


Reticence (Silence)

by Hajinnie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sports, Board Games, Caretaking, Disability, Doctor/Patient, Domestic, Drama, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Melancholy, Muteness, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Sports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-03-20 08:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 98,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13713516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hajinnie/pseuds/Hajinnie
Summary: Kyungsoo and Chanyeol used to be close friends, who adored each other, in high school until lifestyle changes kept them apart.Years later, Chanyeol is living his dream as a professional Go player and Kyungsoo feels settled as a doctor.They are reunited as adults and Kyungsoo discovers that Chanyeol now has selective mutism and has always been alone all these years. Kyungsoo decides to step in and help Chanyeol and restore the relationship they once had.





	1. Silence

**Author's Note:**

> *I used the term "Go" instead of "Baduk" for the sake of the fic. In Korea, it is more known as "Baduk".
> 
> *I also do suggest reading the Wikipedia page on "Go" if you have no idea what that is.
> 
> \--
> 
> Got any questions or just need to contact me? : curiouscat.me/hajinnie  
> Also on Twitter @hajinnie

 

Hanging up his white coat on the hook in his locker, Kyungsoo began to fix the collar on the dress shirt he was wearing while making sure he looked somewhat presentable in the small mirror he hung in the locker.

Kyungsoo picked up his wristwatch from inside the locker and slipped it onto his wrist before securing the latch and checking the time displayed.

It was two in the afternoon and Kyungsoo had just gotten off a 16 hours on-call shift which had started yesterday morning.

Kyungsoo was thankful that there weren’t any critical emergency cases that came in during his shift which needed him to be in charge of. Thanks to that, he had managed to get some decent hours of rest while being on-call.

 

Kyungsoo had personally asked to be on this shift so he could get off in the afternoon and still be in time to watch the semi-finals match of the currently ongoing Samsung Fire Cup for the board game, Go.

Although Kyungsoo was not able to watch the matches live in the arena, he had managed to get some sort of staff pass to observe the game from his old friends at the Go players association.

These days, Kyungsoo preferred being a spectator to the game and playing against himself instead of being on the board himself across from another competitor.

This was better, Kyungsoo thought.

 

It was late spring and although the weather was warm enough to not bring a jacket, Seoul was pretty rainy and Kyungsoo dragged his umbrella along with him as he bade goodbye to his colleagues getting off the same shift as him and exited the hospital.

Kyungsoo walked down the stone pedestrian path near the row of shops and buildings under the gloomy afternoon sky. Kyungsoo was grateful that he never forgot his umbrella because it looked like it might rain.

Kyungsoo was heading down to the subway station to travel one district over so he could watch the Go matches.

 

As Kyungsoo passed by a shop selling grilled meat snacks, Kyungsoo managed to get a whiff of the cooking from the shop and it made his stomach growl.

Kyungsoo sighed innately, knowing that he wouldn’t make it in time if he stopped there to eat. He would just get delivery later on when he got home.

 

Kyungsoo arrived at the subway station which was less packed at this time of the day. One advantage of working shifts was that he got to skip the usual rush hour traffic and crowd.

Like routine, Kyungsoo swiped his fare card and headed onto the platforms but took the orange line today which would be headed to the large hall where the Go match would be held instead of using the green subway line he usually used to the residential district he lived in.

Clutching his umbrella under his arm and making sure his backpack was securely strapped to his shoulders, Kyungsoo waited for the passengers to alight before he got on the subway.

Due to the smaller crowd, there was ample space around and Kyungsoo managed to get a seat with an empty spot beside himself to put his bag and umbrella on.

There were lots of other empty seats around him so Kyungsoo did not worry about taking up spaces that someone else might need more than he did.

 

 

The subway ride would take about twenty minutes with only one stop so Kyungsoo didn’t have to worry about having to change trains.

Kyungsoo leaned his back against the subway’s glass mirror and glanced up at the advertisements plastered onto the walls of the train.

The most prominently displayed advertisement was that of some model in a tank top and holding up a beer bottle.

 

Kyungsoo then started to recall that he hadn’t been out and casually drinking in a social setting for a while now.

He did owe Sehun this time around for getting him some passes to the tournament and Kyungsoo thought of repaying the favor by buying Sehun a few drinks after the match.

 

Lately, Kyungsoo had been all about work and just work. This had lasted for about three or four years now.

Almost every day; Kyungsoo got up, got ready for work, went to work and repeated the cycle.

If he had a day off, he would spend it reading the latest news updates for Go tournaments and be going through the match transcripts of the top players and trying to figure out why the winner won and the loser lost from the records of moves played.

 

Kyungsoo was twenty-nine years old, a junior medical resident who was attached to a medium-sized general hospital and he was aiming to specialize in general surgery once his residency was over in three or four years.

Back when Kyungsoo was a fresh-faced fifteen-year-old high school junior in his black blazer uniform, Kyungsoo had joined the Go club because of the tall boy in his class named Park Chanyeol.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo closed his eyes and tried to get a little bit of rest with his head leaned back on the subway’s mirror as he reminisced the past and how a doctor like him actually got interested in Go.

Being a plump and shy kid in school who knew nobody there, Kyungsoo was quiet and didn’t make many friends initially.

Chanyeol was assigned as his seatmate and thanks to Chanyeol’s boisterousness and take charge attitude, Kyungsoo managed to get by the school year with ease before he finally eased in into high school life.

Kyungsoo went wherever Chanyeol went. They were in the same groups in class, ate together in the cafeteria, played dodge balls against each other in P.E, walked together to the subway station after school every day and of course Kyungsoo ended up joining the Go club because Chanyeol did too.

 

Except, Kyungsoo had no idea how to play Go or how the game even worked. He had only joined it because of Chanyeol.

All he knew was that it some sort of traditional board game sort of like chess but played with black and white pieces that looked like stones and that there were way more pieces than a chess board.

Kyungsoo had seen his grandfather play Go sometimes with friends but merely as a hobby and not competitively, whenever his grandfather had friends over during the holidays.

 

 

After joining the club, Chanyeol volunteered to teach Kyungsoo how to play Go and the two would often stay back after school hours to play in an empty classroom.

First, it was about the game but soon Kyungsoo began staying back more to play Go because of how enamored he became towards Chanyeol.

 

“Listen, black always plays first,” Chanyeol informed, pouring out the white pieces from a small velvet bag before arranging them onto the 19x19 board.

“Alright,” Kyungsoo nodded in understanding.

“I’ll let you play black to give myself a handicap since this is your first time. I’m going to reduce the board size too so we’ll only play within the boundaries I draw out,” Chanyeol added, marking a square on the board with a marker to distinguish the new space to play in. “Just use 40 pieces for now.”

Kyungsoo began counting the pieces and adding the number to a bowl on his side.

“Wait, take four or five pieces more,” Chanyeol pointed out.

“But then we won’t have the same number of pieces?”, Kyungsoo scrunched his nose, looking up at Chanyeol through glasses that were slipping off his face.

“I’m playing at a handicap so you’ll have more pieces to beat me with. It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t give you an advantage,” Chanyeol grinned.

“Oh, I see,” Kyungsoo gaped, nodding and doing as told by Chanyeol.

“I’m honored to be playing with you. I hope it’ll be a good game,” Chanyeol bowed in front of the board.

“You don’t have to. It’s nothing really. I’m no one great,” Kyungsoo tried to brush it off.

“Well then…but you really should bow to your opponent before a match,” Chanyeol smiled.

“I do? I’m so sorry,” Kyungsoo promptly apologized, bowing his head too hard and smacking his forehead against the board.

Chanyeol broke out into laughter, assuring, “Don’t be so nervous. I’m no one great either. It’s not like you’re going against a top player.”

 

 

Kyungsoo lost that first match but he gained an invaluable friend in Chanyeol that day.

Chanyeol walked Kyungsoo home after his first loss and began talking about the strategies of Go. Chanyeol insisted to properly teach Kyungsoo how to play Go until Kyungsoo could at least reach the official amateur player rank.

As they passed down the streets and rows of houses in the late spring weather, Chanyeol went on and on about Go and on how he planned to teach Kyungsoo to play.

Kyungsoo noticed how heavily Chanyeol emphasized his growth and potential in Go. It was all about Go and about Kyungsoo that came out from Chanyeol’s mouth, and there seemed to be a glimmer in Chanyeol’s eye when he was rambling about Go.

Chanyeol really loved Go.

Kyungsoo didn’t understand half the things Chanyeol was talking about but he did know someone who made him feel important and like an equal.

 

 

With Chanyeol’s help; Kyungsoo was enrolled into the Go players association and assigned the “30- geup” rank, the lowest attainable rank for a Go beginner.

Kyungsoo too found out that Chanyeol despite being the same age, already held an amateur 7-dan rank; the highest rank for an amateur and just one below a professional. Chanyeol was the youngest person to hold that rank so far in the country.

Due to having two working parents and to cut costs on daycare, Chanyeol was sent to play Go at the association after schooling hours since preschool where his mother’s friend worked at.

Chanyeol proved to be gifted at Go and from a pastime, it became Chanyeol’s life.

Soon enough, he was beating people old enough to be his parent and gaining traction as the youngest soon to be a professional player in the country.

 

But even during the Go association meetings and the school clubs meetups; where all the attention of the other players was on Chanyeol for being a gifted prodigy, Chanyeol always made Kyungsoo a priority too and never made him feel left out in such a new place.

Kyungsoo felt proud and felt so important to someone, that being Chanyeol. Sure, Kyungsoo’s family treated him well but somehow it felt so good to be treated like he meant something to one more person.

 

 

In the summer break of Kyungsoo’s first year in high school; Chanyeol brought over a board and Go pieces to his house and spent almost every day of the holiday there, teaching Kyungsoo the tactics and strategy of how to play Go, better.

Chanyeol spent so much time over at Kyungsoo’s that his mother even prepared a spare pillow and blanket because Chanyeol often ended up sleeping over.

The only times when Chanyeol did not come over was when he had to attend official matches that would determine his rank promotions.

Chanyeol always texted Kyungsoo after the match and most of the time, he won.

 

Kyungsoo had fond memories of that summer; playing Go under the window in his living room in the humid and sweaty weather, wearing baggy t-shirts and shorts while fanning themselves with a paper fan and the loser having to buy popsicles for the other.

Chanyeol almost always won though but ended up sharing half the popsicle with Kyungsoo later on as they sang along to folk songs in the night summer sky on the way back from the local convenience store.

 

 

 

One winter on the way back from school, Chanyeol was quieter than usual and for once, he wasn’t talking about Go.

Instead, Chanyeol talked about something else he never even touched on.

“Kyungsoo, we’ll be in our second year in less than two months. Have you thought about what you wanted to pursue after high school?” Chanyeol questioned, breath forming mist in the cold air.

“I thought about becoming a doctor. I’ll need good grades for that,” Kyungsoo replied, rubbing his gloved hands together for more warmth.

“That’s a lot of studying isn’t it,” Chanyeol noted.

“Yeah, the third year is going to be one hell of a ride because of university placement exams,” Kyungsoo sighed, pushing up his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

“There’s something I wanted to tell you about. I actually am being sponsored by the Association to move to Japan and train under a master there so I can become a professional player,” Chanyeol expressed, looking towards Kyungsoo as if asking for the confirmation.

“That’s good! Isn’t that what you always wanted?”, Kyungsoo almost leaped in joy on the snow. “I am so happy for you, Chanyeol! I can’t even dream of being in your place.”

“Yeah…” Chanyeol paused, stopping in his tracks, “It is sort of but if I do, that means playing Go is all I will do for the rest of my life. I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do. I never felt like I had a choice. I was just good at it and I just went along with it. I don’t know, Kyungsoo.”

“Hey”, Kyungsoo patted Chanyeol on the back. “I believe in you. As your friend, I will support you in whichever you choose to do. I say, do what you love.”

Pulling up the straps on his backpack, Chanyeol replied cheekily, “But I love being here with you. How about that?”

“I suck at Go though. I think you might deteriorate being around me,” Kyungsoo joked.

 

Chanyeol laughed so hard until he slipped on the snow and landed on his butt, laughing even harder. Kyungsoo had tried helping Chanyeol get up but only ended up falling on Chanyeol on the snow, as they both laughed it off.

This was good indeed and Kyungsoo would have wanted Chanyeol to stay but he knew that the world out there was a better place for someone like Chanyeol.

 

 

 

A month and a half later, Kyungsoo found himself helping pack Chanyeol’s stuff into boxes before the move.

They were mostly packing clothes and personal items that would be needed on a daily basis. Chanyeol decided to leave behind most of his books on Go strategies and guides to Kyungsoo.

“Here, this one is good for you,” Chanyeol grinned, holding up a book in front of Kyungsoo. “You take this one.”

“Beginner’s guide to Go. Suitable for ages five to seven,” Kyungsoo pressed his glasses closer to his face as he read the title. “Chanyeol, I’m sixteen now.”

“Well, just consider yourself a late beginner,” Chanyeol teased, putting the book in Kyungsoo’s hand.

“Fine”, Kyungsoo gave in, taking the book and putting it aside in another box full of belongings that Chanyeol had decided to give him which couldn’t be brought to Japan.

 

As Chanyeol added more things into the box for Kyungsoo to bring home, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but ask, “You’ll be staying there for a few years but it really looks like you’re moving permanently since you’re cleaning up your entire room. Don’t people leave some stuff behind at least?”

Chanyeol was bent over his drawer, cleaning it up, when he heard Kyungsoo question him. Chanyeol’s lips formed a thin smile as he turned around to face Kyungsoo and sit on the floor from him.

“The truth is, I won’t be coming back here again…I think.” Chanyeol revealed.

“Why not?” Kyungsoo questioned, somewhat taken aback. “What’s wrong?”

Chanyeol lowered his head and he really sounded like he was about to cry, “My parents are getting a divorce. My father met another woman and he’s going to marry her once this divorce is finalized. My mother is moving back to her hometown in the village with my elder sister and I won’t be able to play Go there so moving to Japan is my only chance at taking a shot in becoming a professional player.”

Kyungsoo instantly leaped forward and embraced Chanyeol in a hug, “It’s okay. I know you’ll get through it. You’re smarter and braver than me after all.”

“I hope so,” Chanyeol hugged Kyungsoo back. “We’ll stay in contact, won’t we? I might be able to come back for the summer once every two years if my mother can afford the ticket or I’ll row a boat to get back here.”

Kyungsoo chuckled lightly at Chanyeol’s joke. “Be careful though. They might mistake you as a North Korean boat.”

 

Chanyeol left Kyungsoo his prized possession; his Go board and stone pieces on top of all the things that Kyungsoo got from Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo cried at the airport when seeing Chanyeol off. Chanyeol was the one who wiped away Kyungsoo’s tears with his sleeve and told Kyungsoo to always be confident and keep his chin up.

Chanyeol did look like he might cry but for Kyungsoo’s sake, he held back his tears because he didn’t want his best friend to be any sadder than he was.

 

 

After Chanyeol’s move; Kyungsoo kept in touch pretty often, texting on his old flip phone at a time when cellphones plans didn’t come with free texting and international texting still cost a lot.

Personal computers weren’t a thing either in Kyungsoo’s household and he had to save up his weekly allowance to go to an internet café and write an email to Chanyeol.

They talked normal things a teenager would from school to hobbies and activities.

 

Thanks to Chanyeol who helped Kyungsoo make friends in school, Kyungsoo was hardly alone without Chanyeol. He soon found new friends although they were more interested in studying than playing Go.

Kyungsoo dropped out of the Go club because his new friends were in other clubs and he wanted to be there instead.

Soon, Kyungsoo too stopped going to the Go player’s association meeting because it was quite a way’s worth from where he lived and cram classes began taking most of his time.

 

The competition to get into university was tough and getting into medical school was tougher. Kyungsoo knew he had to be not just the best but the best of the best too.

There was no time for Go anymore. He wasn’t good at Go anyway like Chanyeol. He couldn’t make a career out of it like Chanyeol and Go wasn’t going to get him into medical school.

Soon, Go became a thing of the past too and the board gifted to him by Chanyeol continued to lie under his bed collecting dust.

 

 

In his third year, Kyungsoo was promoted to the best class in his school and began taking studying more seriously.

Kyungsoo spent almost every free hour where he was awake to study, attend cram classes and tuition for his entrance exams.

His pocket money was spent on other things like books and extra train fares to get to cram classes and back.

 

From texting and emailing each other almost every day; it dropped to once a week, then a few times a month and soon Kyungsoo found himself replying to Chanyeol once every other month if he remembered to.

Little by little, Kyungsoo began to fall out of contact with Chanyeol.

One night before his big exams, Kyungsoo had stayed up to study when he received a text message notification from Chanyeol.

 

Sighing to himself and muttering, “What does he want now?”, Kyungsoo picked up his old red flip phone and read the message sent to him by Chanyeol.

 

_Chanyeol: Good luck for your exams tomorrow. I know you can do it! Fighting! I have a match tomorrow too for class promotion. Wish me luck :)_

Kyungsoo was more annoyed than happy to receive that message because he felt self-centered in that pressuring moment.

Chanyeol was good at Go. He would probably win anyway. Why did he need to be wished for luck? Chanyeol had it easy, Kyungsoo thought.

If anything, it was Kyungsoo who believed that he needed all the luck he could get. 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo ranked at the top five percent in the nation for his year and managed to get into the first medical school of his choice even though he was the second last pick on the list of students who were accepted into the program.

After entering college; Kyungsoo’s parents too decided to move to a town closer where his elder brother worked at while Kyungsoo himself lived in the dormitories, only returning to his parent’s for the holidays.

Kyungsoo changed phone numbers and with the change of addresses, all contact with Chanyeol was ultimately lost.

 

 

After six years of medical school, Kyungsoo served his two years in the military as a medical officer before being discharged once his conscription period was over and continuing his residency in a civilian hospital.

For Kyungsoo, all the eight years after high school flew by without even hearing a word from Chanyeol.

 

Once Kyungsoo was serving in the civilian hospital he was now attached to, he was acquainted with Sehun; a nurse, whom he found playing Go in the break room.

Kyungsoo pointed out to Sehun that he used to play Go back in high school and for the first time in a long time, Kyungsoo actually thought of Chanyeol.

 

Sehun was a member of the Go player’s association which Kyungsoo used to be a member of too. With Sehun’s encouragement, Kyungsoo got back to the association and back into playing Go.

By then, Chanyeol was already a professional player and his face was plastered on the wall of honorable members of the association. Chanyeol was primarily active in Japan where he trained, although he did attend matches back home in South Korea.

 

 

Kyungsoo fished out the old Go board that Chanyeol had gifted him, which he had kept hidden at the back of his spare closet since moving to his current apartment after completing his military service.

Kyungsoo kept up with the news on Go matches and it was no surprise that Chanyeol appeared in a lot of them especially when he was winning most of his title matches with an almost perfect winning streak.

Everyone in the association talked about Chanyeol and wanted to be successful like Chanyeol. Chanyeol was obviously top of his game. There was no article written on Chanyeol that wasn’t accompanied by praise.

Chanyeol was called a genius, a prodigy, and a star.

 

 

There were a lot of times where Kyungsoo wanted to write a letter to Chanyeol’s address in Japan, which he got from Sehun thanks to him being the nephew of the Go association’s president who had all the players' contact information.

But Kyungsoo didn’t know where to start especially after all these years. Kyungsoo felt bad for the lost of contact, which he believed was his fault.

What would he say? How would Chanyeol react? More importantly, Kyungsoo wondered if Chanyeol even wanted to talk to him after all the years they spent apart.

Kyungsoo was honestly scared of the reaction from Chanyeol.

 

Maybe Chanyeol didn’t care about it anymore, Kyungsoo thought.

Chanyeol was a now rich and successful Go player who was idolized and adored by many people around the world. Chanyeol was a star indeed, like how the news and articles described him to be.

 

Meanwhile, now nearing his thirties, Kyungsoo was starting out again in the bottom rank of Go players where almost all the players in his age bracket were elementary school students.

Kyungsoo was here at the bottom while Chanyeol was the star high up above in the sky and out of reach.

 

But it wasn’t the star that Kyungsoo wanted; Kyungsoo just wanted his old friend back.

Kyungsoo only blamed himself for that.

 

 

 

After some time, Kyungsoo finally told Sehun that he was an old friend of Chanyeol and how bad he wanted to apologize and make amends to Chanyeol.

Now that Chanyeol was scheduled to play in a tournament in Seoul; Sehun made sure to inform Kyungsoo of it, and even invited Kyungsoo along to watch the match as a member of the staff of the association, even though Kyungsoo’s rank was still too low to be elected a Go association’s staff.

 

Kyungsoo was now peering behind the curtain from behind the stage, having arrived at the tournament hall after the train ride from work.

Sehun had taken the few days off to act as a staff member during the match and too joined Kyungsoo, peering from behind the curtains to silently observe the matches currently ongoing.

 “I double checked the match lists and Park Chanyeol is actually going to play tomorrow. He already won his match earlier this morning so he’s advancing to the next stage,” Sehun informed, whispering.

“Is his match in the morning? I’m free in the morning but I’m on call later tomorrow evening,” Kyungsoo whispered back.

“Yeah, it’s in the morning. He’ll be swarmed by the press and the other players who want to talk to him though so I’m not sure if you can get to talk to him.” Sehun further informed.

“That’s alright. I can watch some live matches at least while I’m here. It’s good to see how the professionals play. I can learn a thing or two from that,” Kyungsoo mentioned.

“Sure then. Just show the pass I gave you if anyone asks who you are and why you’re backstage,” Sehun advised.

“I owe you a drink after this. Let me know when you’re free. It’s my treat,” Kyungsoo offered in gratitude, hushing to Sehun just before the latter left to perform his staff duties.

“You’re buying me a drink? Now, that’s new,” Sehun snickered, “Thanks though. I’ll let you know, maybe in a few days once this tournament is over.”

 

Kyungsoo had to make a mental note to make sure he remembered to bring Sehun out for a drink as promised. Kyungsoo didn’t want to forget this time because he felt like he had forgotten Chanyeol all these years.

Kyungsoo didn’t have many friends now because he had spent his years chasing his own goals and career, completely forgetting everyone else. He regretted that now and Kyungsoo didn’t want to repeat the same mistake again.

Kyungsoo knew that he probably could never make it up to Chanyeol for all these years, and thinking that Chanyeol probably didn’t even care for it either.

After all, why would a star like Chanyeol care about someone Kyungsoo?

 

 

 

Kyungsoo left early, even before the matches for the tournaments day were officially over since he was trying to avoid the rush hour crowd. It did not rain after all and Kyungsoo swung his umbrella around as he hummed a tune while walking to the subway station to get a train home.

At a crossroad, Kyungsoo waited for the green pedestrian light before crossing as he continued humming the tune.

Through the passing traffic, Kyungsoo looked up ahead and waiting at the other side of the road for the green light to cross was Chanyeol.

 

Kyungsoo thought his eyes were deceiving him at first. It had been over ten years since he last saw Chanyeol in person.  Chanyeol would surely look different from back then but Kyungsoo recognized Chanyeol from the pictures on the news and hanging on the wall of the association’s building.

There Chanyeol was, wearing a grey suit and holding a briefcase in his hand as he looked puzzled and tried to read out a piece of paper in his hand.

 

When the light for the vehicle traffic turned red, and green for the pedestrians; Chanyeol, who had not noticed Kyungsoo yet instead walked off rather than cross the street.

Kyungsoo quickly ran on the zebra crossing to the other side of the street and chased after Chanyeol with the umbrella tucked under his armpit.

Chanyeol was way ahead of Kyungsoo and then turned to enter a restaurant. Seeing Chanyeol enter the restaurant and assuming he didn’t need to run anymore, Kyungsoo leaned against the wall of a shop as he tried to catch his breath.

So he had finally found Chanyeol. All Kyungsoo had to do was enter the restaurant, find Chanyeol and talk to him.

But what was he going to say to Chanyeol now? How was he going to start the conversation? What if Chanyeol didn’t want to see him after all?

 

 

After a while of self-contemplation, Kyungsoo braved himself to enter the restaurant where a waitress greeted him and offered to take his umbrella.

Kyungsoo was just about to decline her offer when he saw Chanyeol standing at the cashier counter, looking at the takeout menu with his wallet open in his hands.

The girl behind the counter looked puzzled as she tried talking to Chanyeol but he simply kept staring at the menu laid out on the counter.

Now, a man who looked like the manager came out and was trying to talk to Chanyeol but all he did was continue to stare at the menu as they kept asking Chanyeol what he wanted to eat.

 

Chanyeol looked rather blank and lost. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but notice how Chanyeol was trembling.

It didn’t take a genius to know that Chanyeol was scared and uncomfortable.

 

“Maybe he’s deaf? Should we write it down?” Kyungsoo heard a waitress tell the manager.

“Sir, can you hear me?” The manager reiterated, speaking louder and enunciating.

“Is he really alright?” Kyungsoo heard more whispers from the staff.

 

Kyungsoo couldn’t stand the sight of it anymore and walked up to Chanyeol, tapping his hand on the shoulder of his taller friend.

“Chanyeol!” Kyungsoo called out. “It’s me. Do Kyungsoo from high school. Do you remember me? Are you alright? Do you need any help?”

 

Chanyeol jumped when Kyungsoo tapped him on the shoulder, startling everyone in the vicinity.

Still holding the wallet with both of his hands in front of him, Chanyeol turned around to look towards Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol’s mouth hung open but only stuttering sounds came out.

“I think he’s mute,” The manager was overheard telling the girl behind the cashier.

 

“Chanyeol, are you alright?” Kyungsoo began to feel concerned about Chanyeol’s “different” behavior.

Chanyeol closed his mouth and his lips turned upward to form a gentle smile that Kyungsoo missed so much.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol rasped, whispering Kyungsoo’s name.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write :|  
> Let me know if you want me to add links in the summary to some information about Go and the tournaments.


	2. Uncommunicated

 

Kyungsoo noticed a few things that day. One was that Chanyeol really grew into his looks now nearing his thirties. Chanyeol used to have what Kyungsoo would call a “baby face” which was quite gone now. It had been almost fourteen years since then, so that was no surprise to see each other change so much.

Secondly, Chanyeol seemed to have a growth spurt over the years and was now quite significantly taller than Kyungsoo was. Kyungsoo remembered that Chanyeol had always been taller but not this much taller certainly.

Thirdly, Chanyeol didn’t seem to speak or react to other people who tried to converse with him. But when it came to Kyungsoo, Chanyeol spoke normally albeit a bit slower and not as loud or merry as Kyungsoo remembered him to be.

Kyungsoo didn’t rush to conclusions straight away at Chanyeol’s distinct behavior but it did make him wonder.

 

 

At the restaurant, Chanyeol refused to talk to or even look at any of the waiters who were trying to take his order, which had caused quite a considerable fuss among the restaurant staff.

But when Kyungsoo came along, Chanyeol did talk and even asked Kyungsoo how he was doing in perfect Korean, which puzzled everyone else who had thought that he might have been deaf or didn’t speak Korean.

Kyungsoo ended up ordering the food for Chanyeol, while Chanyeol read out what he wanted to eat from the menu. Chanyeol wouldn’t talk to the restaurant staff, just Kyungsoo.

When the waiter asked them questions to confirm the order, Chanyeol would act like he did just now. He wouldn’t even bother to look at them or react.

But when it came to Kyungsoo, Chanyeol would talk. Kyungsoo had to act as Chanyeol’s intermediary the entire time they were eating at the restaurant.

 

 

And Kyungsoo greatly noticed how Chanyeol was quieter, more passive and didn’t talk as much as he used to.

It was like Chanyeol had mellowed down so drastically and the boisterous Chanyeol that Kyungsoo once knew was long gone. Or so as it was too early to tell.

 

 

“I’m happy to see you again, Chanyeol. I’m happy to see you are doing well. I read a lot about you on the news and the association talks about you a lot. I’m glad we ran into each other. How long has it been since you have been living in Japan? How is life there? Do you have a girlfriend? How are your mother and sister?” Kyungsoo eagerly asked, drilling Chanyeol with the questions.

Kyungsoo was just happy to finally meet up with his old friend, Chanyeol, again. For a moment, all the hurt, guilt and distance that had kept them apart was forgotten as they sat together for the first time in a long time as the friends they once were.

Chanyeol was holding up his chopsticks, slurping on his noodles with his head bowed down near the bowl when he looked up and gulped down his noodles.

Chanyeol stared straight into Kyungsoo’s eyes from across the table.

Kyungsoo thought he saw fear in Chanyeol’s eyes before Chanyeol’s expression turned into a soft smile.

“Thirteen years now. Life is good. No girlfriend. My sister is married and my mother lives with her now.” Chanyeol answered.

Kyungsoo was quite underwhelmed by Chanyeol’s answer. Was that it? Didn’t Chanyeol have more to talk about after being apart for so long? Was Chanyeol not excited to see him again?

Was Chanyeol not going to ask him questions too? Maybe Kyungsoo was right that Chanyeol did not care about him anymore after all.

 

“Uh…” Kyungsoo gaped, “Chanyeol, are you alright? Are you on any kind of medication?” Kyungsoo asked, suspecting something from Chanyeol’s behavior but not having enough evidence to back it up with.

Chanyeol simply shook his head.

Kyungsoo paused in thought before continuing, “I get it. You’re mad at me for all these years. You don’t want to talk to me until I apologize. I really am sorry for all that, Chanyeol. How do I make it up to you?”

Chanyeol lifted his head from his bowl of noodles again and stared with blank eyes into Kyungsoo’s, “Nothing is wrong, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo asked in the softest tone he could manage, “Nothing? We haven’t seen each other in thirteen years and talked to each other in eleven years because of me. Are you not mad at this? Are you really alright, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol nodded to that, affirming Kyungsoo’s statement through actions instead of words.

 

Kyungsoo paid for both their meals which he hardly ate at all because of how his mind was racing about Chanyeol’s less than comforting decision.

Chanyeol had opened his wallet and Kyungsoo almost balked at how thick and full it was; not because Chanyeol had a lot of money but because Chanyeol only had Japanese yen and not Korean won in his wallet.

Had Chanyeol been planning to pay for his meal all this time with foreign currency which he didn’t even change when he arrived?

Kyungsoo immediately offered to pay when he saw Chanyeol struggling with his Japanese notes.

 

The waiter at the restaurant had packed Kyungsoo’s hardly touched meal to take away, which was placed on the cashier top while Kyungsoo was making the payment.

“Can I have that?” Chanyeol pointed to the take out on the cashier counter, hovering behind Kyungsoo.

“Yeah sure,” Kyungsoo agreed, seeing Chanyeol pick up the takeout by reaching his hand from around Kyungsoo and standing just a few inches behind Kyungsoo where he remained until Kyungsoo was done making the payment.

 

 

“I heard you have a tournament tomorrow morning so you’ll be in Seoul until the tournament is over. Which hotel are you staying at? I can walk you there.” Kyungsoo questioned, standing on the sidewalk of the restaurant with Chanyeol standing behind him still.

“Oh!” Chanyeol exclaimed, rummaging through his coat pockets for a while before handing Kyungsoo a piece of paper.

“What is this?” Kyungsoo took the paper that Chanyeol handed him and read it.

Scribbled on the paper was an address for a popular hotel somewhere downtown, one which Kyungsoo knew exactly it was located at.

“Did you make a reservation here?” Kyungsoo asked, looking up at Chanyeol who was peering over his shoulders from behind.

“No, the association told me to go there,” Chanyeol replied, softly reading the paper from over Kyungsoo’s shoulders.

 

“Let me guess, you don’t know where it is?”

“No idea,” Chanyeol answered.

“I’ll bring you there then. Follow me. We might have to take a subway though,” Kyungsoo urged, showing Chanyeol the way.

 

Chanyeol walked close behind Kyungsoo, probably too close even because Chanyeol ended up knocking his foot into the back of Kyungsoo’s leg a few times.

Chanyeol’s longer legs and larger strides weren’t helping either.

“Here, walk beside me. Not behind me, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo instructed, pointing to the empty space beside him.

“Oh, okay. Sorry,” Chanyeol muttered, doing as he was told.

 

 

When the green pedestrian light was lit, Kyungsoo stepped off the curb and onto the zebra crossing to cross the road only to realize that Chanyeol was still standing there, looking down at the asphalt road.

“Chanyeol, it’s green. Time to go before the countdown is over,” Kyungsoo noted to the ticking time left for the pedestrians to cross.

Chanyeol looked up and stared ahead when he heard his name being called out.

Kyungsoo sighed, pulling on Chanyeol’s arm and walking him down the zebra crossing to the curb on the other side of the road.

 

Watching Chanyeol act in such a way, Kyungsoo’s theory began to slowly support itself as he was trying to key the pieces in his head on why Chanyeol was like that now.

Because Kyungsoo was sure as hell that Chanyeol wasn’t like this the last time.

Something had happened to him while they were away, which explained why he was like “that” now.

 

 

 

At the subway station, Chanyeol spotted a money exchange booth and tugged onto the sleeve of Kyungsoo’s shirt before pointing at the booth.

Kyungsoo, who was busy reading the timetables displayed on the board, stirred, “Yeah, what is it, Chanyeol?”

Kyungsoo looked to where Chanyeol pointed, “Oh, you want to change your money?”

Chanyeol nodded, pulling out his wallet and handing Kyungsoo a wad of cash and muttering a low, “Please.”

“Sure, let me change it for you,” Kyungsoo was a bit jittery to be holding other people’s money, especially that much.

 

Kyungsoo handed the money to the teller to change it into Korean won while Chanyeol stood behind, watching from over his shoulder.

After counting and confirming the amount, Kyungsoo handed the money back to Chanyeol who arranged it in ascending order in his wallet.

Chanyeol then handed Kyungsoo an amount of money, holding his hand out with the money but not saying anything.

 

“No, Chanyeol, I cannot take this. Keep it,” Kyungsoo instructed. “I can take care of the train fare. It’s not that much anyway and what you’re giving me is too much.”

Despite being like that now, Chanyeol was quite compliant and easily listened to what he was told. Chanyeol slipped the notes back into his wallet, arranging it in order.

 

Kyungsoo paid for both their train fare and bought Chanyeol a ticket. Kyungsoo held Chanyeol’s hand all the way through the evening rush hour crowd, afraid to lose him.

In the train, Kyungsoo had a bit of a trouble reaching the grip handles due to his shorter than average height. He could reach it fine but it would strain his shoulders and arm more than a taller person.

Kyungsoo usually traveled during slow hours due to his shifts and didn’t have to deal with a lack of seats like now very often.

It was harder now especially because he had a grown adult to escort and make sure he didn’t lose.

 

Chanyeol saw Kyungsoo struggling and held onto the handles, instead of tugging onto Kyungsoo’s sleeve while wrapping an arm around Kyungsoo’s waist to keep him steady.

“Thanks?” Kyungsoo uttered, feeling a bit bashed and awkward but he wasn’t going to complain. He wouldn’t lose Chanyeol in the crowd when like this anyway.

 “You’re welcome,” Chanyeol grinned, leaning his head down to look at Kyungsoo.

 

While pressed up close against Chanyeol in the packed subway car, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but feel like he finally had his old friend back after all these years.

Kyungsoo was excited and had so much to talk about to Chanyeol but he was slowly beginning to realize that he might not be able to talk to Chanyeol at all.

Chanyeol was back but not all of him was. There was something significant that was missing in Chanyeol, which left a very large and noticeable gap.

 

 

Kyungsoo led the way again this time, holding Chanyeol by the hand until they arrived in the hotel lobby.

When Kyungsoo held Chanyeol’s hand, Chanyeol gladly accepted the hand that was offered to him without any protests and walked wherever he was led to.

Kyungsoo was worried if Chanyeol was this easily trusting to other people, especially people that could mean harm to Chanyeol.

How did Chanyeol manage before this?

In fact, how was Chanyeol was so good at Go but so bad at just normal daily life?

 

 

Kyungsoo walked up to the hotel’s front desk because he knew that Chanyeol wasn’t going to be speaking to the receptionists anytime soon. It looked like Kyungsoo had to do all the talking now, which prompted him to question further how Chanyeol got through day by day.

Chanyeol stood a few feet further from Kyungsoo now, instead of pressing close behind him with just a few inches to spare.

 

“Chanyeol, can I have your passport? I need to confirm your reservation with them.” Kyungsoo turned around, asking Chanyeol.

Chanyeol paused for a while, eyes darting around before opening his briefcase on the ground and rummaging through his clothes inside it.

“Do you need help?”, Kyungsoo leaned an elbow over the receptionist desk.

Chanyeol shook his head and soon enough found his passport before standing back up again and handing it to Kyungsoo.

 

Chanyeol crouched over on the floor again to stuff his clothes back into the briefcase while Kyungsoo waited as the receptionist looked up Chanyeol’s reservation based on the information on his passport.

“Two night’s reservation for Park Chanyeol in a single bed suite. It was booked and the deposit put down by a “Go player’s Association”. Is this correct?”

Kyungsoo turned to Chanyeol, “Is that what they booked for you?”

Chanyeol nodded his sign of confirmation.

 

After confirming the booking, the receptionist handed Chanyeol a key to his room, together with an elevator access pass.

Chanyeol looked at the card and key in her hand as it was handed to him but refused to take it, tugging on Kyungsoo’s sleeve instead.

If Kyungsoo didn’t know better, he wouldn’t have understood what Chanyeol meant by that tug on his sleeve, but he did even if they had only been reunited for hours and Chanyeol wasn’t the person whom he used to be.

 

There was one thing that didn’t change after all these years of being apart. Now that they were together again, Kyungsoo still felt like he knew Chanyeol and that it was easy to understand him, even though Chanyeol had changed.

 

 

Kyungsoo took the card and key with a smile and thanked the lady behind the reception counter before leading Chanyeol to the elevator and up to his floor.

Kyungsoo found Chanyeol’s room, somewhere in the middle of the hallway on the 24th floor. Chanyeol followed quietly from behind.

 

 

Chanyeol unpacked in silence while Kyungsoo sat in the armchair in the hotel room and wondered what he should do next. He was worried about leaving Chanyeol behind like this and he felt like he needed to know what exactly Chanyeol had now, which cause his change.

There was definitely something for sure.

 

Chanyeol only spoke to tell Kyungsoo that he was going to take a shower.

“Sure, be careful”, Kyungsoo cautioned.

 

Kyungsoo stood up and paced around the room in thought. He could hear the sound of movements and the water running in the shower.

Kyungsoo’s eyes landed upon the grey suits and trousers which were neatly folded up with white dress shirts, laid out near the briefcase.

Near the clothes was a rather worn out book with several colored markers coming out of it, with a picture of a Go board on it and the title on the cover was in Japanese which Kyungsoo couldn’t read.

These all belonged to Chanyeol and it seemed like Chanyeol was going to wear the same suits for the next few days that the tournament was going to last.

 

Kyungsoo always assumed that the top players traveled first-class and extravagantly with a large entourage following them. But when looking back at Chanyeol, it didn’t seem so.

Chanyeol seemed so lost and so alone.

No one could have guessed that he was one of the most successful Go players to be alive if they weren’t familiar with him.

 

 

When Kyungsoo thought about it again; in a year, Chanyeol had to attend several tournaments all over Asia which required extensive traveling. How did Chanyeol manage to do all of that and still win almost all his matches with his condition?

Before Kyungsoo could theorize further, the phone in the hotel room began to ring.

 

Kyungsoo’s head shot up to the direction of the shower to get Chanyeol but quickly changed his mind. He had a gist of what Chanyeol was having now, although he couldn’t confirm it yet. Chanyeol probably wouldn’t pick up the call.

Kyungsoo quickly picked up the phone, answering, “Hello?”

The man on the other end of the phone began rambling and speaking very quickly in Japanese, which Kyungsoo spoke not a single a word of except for the basic phrases.

“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Japanese,” Kyungsoo conversed in his basic conversational English instead.

“Oh. Who is this?” The man began speaking in accented English. “Where is Park Chanyeol?”

“I am Do…I mean, I am Dr. Do Kyungsoo. I am an old friend of Chanyeol. I found him lost and I helped him back to his hotel room.” Kyungsoo replied, almost using up the entire extent of his English vocabulary. “Chanyeol is still in the shower.”

“Please get him now. Important,” The man on the other end replied.

“Uh…sure,” Kyungsoo complied, putting the receiver of the phone down on the wooden table and knocking on the door to the shower. “Chanyeol, someone speaking Japanese wants to talk to you. He says it’s urgent.”

The shower door swung open and Kyungsoo came face to face with a stark naked Chanyeol who was dripping wet from head to toe, while the water from the shower head was still running

Being a doctor, Kyungsoo was hardly bothered by nudity but it was still odd to see someone so voluntarily walked out of the shower naked and still dripping wet, trudging over the carpeted hotel floor.

Chanyeol picked up the phone while Kyungsoo pulled out a towel from the rack and held it out to Chanyeol.

 

Chanyeol took the towel but only held it with one hand, not bothering to wipe himself off as he listened to what was being told to him over the phone.

Chanyeol mainly nodded and made affirming sounds of understanding over the phone. Chanyeol never finished a sentence he spoke and even then, it was just a few words in Japanese which Kyungsoo did not understand.

 

Chanyeol then peeled the receiver of the hotel phone away from his ear and still buck naked, turned to Kyungsoo, “He wants to talk.”

“Who?”

“Takeda-san” Chanyeol murmured, handing Kyungsoo the phone and then walking back into the shower with the unused towel still in his hand.

“Hello?” Kyungsoo spoke in English. To Kyungsoo’s delight; this so-called “Takeda-san”, a different man from just now, spoke very fluent albeit accented Korean.

Takeda sounded younger and youthful compared to the man who had called initially.

 

“Park told me that you are his old friend in Seoul,” Takeda mentioned over the phone.

“Yes, I am,” Kyungsoo affirmed.

“-and you are a doctor too.”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo repeated.

“I am an associate of Park Chanyeol from the Japan Go Association in Tokyo. I usually accompany him to tournaments in Korea but I was unable to come with him this time because a relative of mine had just passed away and I needed to oversee the arrangements. We had no one else who spoke Korean and he left for the tournament in Seoul before we even found someone who did.” Takeda explained, “We were worried about him traveling alone since he doesn’t even have a cell phone but we see he’s in good hands with you. Park never has any friends or talks to anyone so he must trust you to let you be around him like that. Since you are a doctor, I think you will understand his condition better too,”

“Chanyeol wasn’t like this the last time I talked to him. I don’t specialize in psychology but I suspect something is definitely wrong. Should there be something for me to be concerned about?” Kyungsoo began inquiring.

Takeda was heard sighing before replying to Kyungsoo, “Yes, there is. Park was in an automobile accident on the way home from a match about five years ago. He survived but not all of him came out of that accident. He’s not fully there. I think you understand what I mean. The doctors here diagnosed him with selective mutism. He can’t talk and won’t respond to everyone, just us and a few other people.”

“Is he undergoing treatment in Japan for his condition?” Kyungsoo further inquired.

“No. We did try. Therapy only made him distraught and he refused to play Go if we sent him to the doctors. Go is all he lives for now but since the accident; he actually has been tremendously improving the game. He is unbeatable even like that.” Takeda clarified.

“I see” Kyungsoo’s eyes darted to the door of the shower when he saw it opening and Chanyeol emerged from the shower, now with a towel wrapped around his waist.

 

Chanyeol quickly got dried and dressed again after showering as Kyungsoo finished up the phone call with Takeda.

Before hanging up; Takeda asked to speak to Chanyeol again who only nodded and repeated “Yes” less than five times before the line was cut.

“Takeda asked me whether it was possible if I could watch over you until the tournament is over,” Kyungsoo announced.

“He told me too” Chanyeol replied, picking up his Go book from the top of the shelf. “I don’t mind.”

“I will have to call the hospital and see if someone can cover my shift tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” Chanyeol husked, not going above a loud whisper, as he laid down on the single bed and flipped his book open.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo went out to the hotel balcony, sitting on a rattan chair on the balcony as he made the phone call to see if he could take the day off. Kyungsoo was only on-call tomorrow and if not necessary, he didn’t need to show up at all as he had completed his mandatory hours that week.

Kyungsoo was told that there was a high chance he didn’t need to show up at work tomorrow, and even if he did, it would be in the evening so he would have some time to accompany Chanyeol for his matches in the morning.

Takeda and Kyungsoo had exchanged email addresses and soon enough; Kyungsoo was receiving email notifications on his phone from Takeda regarding Chanyeol’s schedule, with information such as match times, venues and his travel information.

 

Everything had happened so fast for Kyungsoo to even process. In a single day; from finally reuniting with Chanyeol after so many years of finding out Chanyeol’s current disability and now being in charge to watch over and take care of Chanyeol.

Takeda had told Kyungsoo a lot over the phone.

But what resonated and rang through Kyungsoo’s head the most was the statement that Chanyeol still actually believed his mother and sister were alive. They had passed away in the same automobile accident which had caused Chanyeol to be the way he is now.

 

It only fueled to make Kyungsoo feel even guiltier for all the years. Chanyeol wasn’t exactly living the “star” life by the sounds of it when Kyungsoo thought he was.

Kyungsoo wondered how he could actually make it up for all the years and if it would ever be enough. Maybe doing this would be a start to making amends.

 

 

 

When Kyungsoo left the balcony and entered back into the hotel room, Chanyeol was asleep with the lights still on and hugging the book he had been reading from earlier.

Despite all that he been through and was going through, Chanyeol looked tranquil and peaceful in his sleep. It was hardly even eight in the evening but Chanyeol was already fast asleep.

 

Kyungsoo scribbled a note and left it near the hotel’s dresser before turning off the lights and leaving Chanyeol’s hotel room.

 

As Kyungsoo walked down the emptier streets at night under the clear sky with the moon and stars; headed to the station to catch another subway ride back home, Kyungsoo swung his umbrella around in his hand and whistled the same tune he used to sing with Chanyeol on the summer nights on the way back from the convenience store.

A lot maybe too much had changed since then.

 

 


	3. Comparatively

 

Three hours before Chanyeol’s semi-final match would start the day, Kyungsoo was already knocking on Chanyeol’s hotel room door at seven in the morning. Kyungsoo had woken up at five in the morning, a normal time he was used to waking at when he was on the morning shift rounds.

Kyungsoo, then, had to take three different subway trains before reaching Chanyeol’s hotel in another district than the one he lived in.

Kyungsoo had managed to take the day off but only in a partial sense because he still had to come to work for a few hours later in the evening, but just for a while to cover half a shift.

 

Until then, Kyungsoo had enough time to be “adult”-sitting Chanyeol. Babysitting felt like a more proper term but when the person you had to watch in question was thirty years old and over 6-feet tall, it seemed a bit odd to be calling them a “baby”.

But, Kyungsoo never would have thought that Chanyeol would end up like this.

 

“Chanyeol, it’s me Kyungsoo. Are you awake?” Kyungsoo knocked on the hotel room door. He had been doing that for a while now but Chanyeol didn’t seem to be responding.

Kyungsoo shifted the strap of the duffel bag on his shoulders, as he stretched his arm out again to knock on the door. Kyungsoo didn’t want to be too loud and wake the other people from how loud he was knocking and calling out for Chanyeol.

Knowing Chanyeol now, Kyungsoo was rather worried about the unresponsiveness. If this lasted any longer, Kyungsoo would have gone down to the hotel receptionist and asked them to call the phone in Chanyeol’s hotel room.

 

To make matters more pressing, Chanyeol didn’t even own a cell phone and Kyungsoo wondered if Chanyeol even knew how to use one anymore.

He wasn’t likely going to call or accept calls but he could text at least, couldn’t he?

 

Moments later, Kyungsoo felt something poking on the toes of his shoes and he looked to the floor to see the hotel key card slid under the door towards him.

Instead of opening the door for Kyungsoo from the inside, Chanyeol had slipped the key card from under the door and Kyungsoo had to bend down to the floor to pick it up and unlock the door from outside.

“Good morning, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo greeted the moment he unlocked the door and swung it open, stepping one foot into Chanyeol’s hotel room.

Chanyeol nodded but did not greet Kyungsoo in return.

Chanyeol was already dressed in his white dress shirt and grey trousers but he still had a towel around his neck and his hair was obviously still very damp, having just gotten out of the shower and changing into his clothes.

“Your match is at ten this morning. I think we’ll just take a taxi there. You might get uncomfortable with the commuter rush at the subway station especially at this time of the day.” Kyungsoo announced, putting his bag down on top of a drawer. “That Takeda guy is coming to Seoul this evening so until then, I have to watch over you.”

Chanyeol nodded again, tugging on the ends of the pink towel hung around his neck.

“Your match today is against uh…” Kyungsoo pulled out his phone and double-checked on the email sent by Takeda, “…some guy named Chou Ming-hsun from Taiwan.”

“Oh”, Chanyeol responded, “I know him.”

“It says here that you’re playing for your best of three matches. You already won yesterday’s match so if you win today, you’ll advance to the finals immediately.” Kyungsoo repeated what was informed to him in the email.

“If he wins, then I need to play another match since we both have one wins each,” Chanyeol informed, pulling the towel off from his neck.

“Yeah, that’s how it is.” Kyungsoo affirmed, “This is all professional stuff I’m not familiar with. I still play one-off matches against middle school students for class promotions,” Kyungsoo chuckled to himself. “It will take me two decades to get to your level if I ever do.”

 

Chanyeol picked up his Go book from a table and stared at the cover for a while, before turning his head to Kyungsoo, “Why are you playing against kids? Aren’t you a bit advanced for that?”

“No, I am not,” Kyungsoo explained, “I actually just rejoined the Go association less than two years ago and as of now, I’m still at the 6-geup rank. I did rise from the beginners 30-geup to my current intermediate amateur rank in that time though.”

“That’s odd. I remember signing you up to join the association when were in high school,” Chanyeol noted, putting the book down on the table. “Did you quit Go?”

 

Out of all the times that Chanyeol chose to talk, now was a rather bad time for Kyungsoo. How was he going to explain to Chanyeol that yes, he did quit Go indeed and had forgotten about it for over ten years until only recently?

It wasn’t about quitting the game that Kyungsoo was worried about. It was that Chanyeol really loved Go and Go was all he lived for now.

Sure, Kyungsoo hadn’t been a good friend by going off contact until now but quitting what used to be an activity they used to spend all their time on, where they formed lots of treasured memories with felt like a betrayal to Chanyeol. 

Hell, if it wasn’t about Go either, Chanyeol wouldn’t even be talking this much like he was doing now.

 

“Yeah, I sort of did,” Kyungsoo admitted. “I got busy with school and then I went to the military so I didn’t have the time for all of that.”

“I’ll just have to teach you again, I guess,” Chanyeol looked towards Kyungsoo, smiling softly.

 

Kyungsoo was worried that Chanyeol would be angry or upset at the revelation but he did not. At least, that was one thing about Chanyeol that did not change.

Kyungsoo began to wonder how much of the Chanyeol he used to know was left inside there. In fact, was it still there or had it all gone away?

 

 

 

Kyungsoo called a taxi to pick them up in front of the hotel. As they were getting ready to leave the hotel room, Chanyeol handed out his black tie to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo stared at the tie for a good minute, confused, before he had an idea of what Chanyeol meant by the gesture. “Do you want me to put your tie on for you?”, Kyungsoo asked.

Chanyeol nodded, “Yeah”.

Kyungsoo hadn’t gotten used to this yet and he had yet to learn the full list of what Chanyeol was capable and incapable of doing by himself yet.

Kyungsoo thought he knew Chanyeol but it didn’t seem like it. Maybe he never got to know Chanyeol or he just had to relearn the entire existence that was Park Chanyeol.

 

“Sure, bend over a little bit,” Kyungsoo requested, turning Chanyeol’s collar upwards and fixing the tie in a Windsor knot around his collar.

Chanyeol did as he was told, bending his neck and head forward and slightly lower so Kyungsoo could easier reach his collar without having to tiptoe to match the height difference.

To have Chanyeol bend his head over like that only made Kyungsoo realize that Chanyeol had not even properly dried off his hair, least to say comb it.

After Kyungsoo finished knotting the tie, Chanyeol had picked up his briefcase and was about to walk to the door when Kyungsoo caught him by the hem of his coat.

“No, not yet,” Kyungsoo halted. “You are a professional Go player going to play in one of the largest tournaments. You can’t go there looking like that.”

“But I look like me,” Chanyeol responded softly, puzzled.

“I wasn’t talking about that.” Kyungsoo shook his head.

 

Pointing it out was useless. Chanyeol wouldn’t understand and even if he did, it would take ages until he did. There was no time for that now. Today’s main event and the important schedule was to make sure Chanyeol arrived at the tournament safely, played his game and returned after the match safely until Takeda arrived.

Kyungsoo rummaged through Chanyeol’s luggage and found a comb, fortunately. Kyungsoo pulled the pink towel off the rack again and sat down on a chair, while Chanyeol sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the chair with his back facing Kyungsoo.

“Does Takeda comb your hair for you?” Kyungsoo inquired, curious at how Chanyeol seemed presentable in the pictures compared to in real life.

“Only before a match. Sometimes it’s Saito-san,” Chanyeol muttered.

“How about your clothes? Who takes care of it for you before a match?”, Kyungsoo further questioned, combing through some tangles in Chanyeol’s moppy and thick black hair.

“I don’t know. The association gives me clothes to wear in the morning before a match,” Chanyeol answered, flatly.

“I think I might have to speak with the people from the Japan Go Association,” Kyungsoo stated.

“Sure”

“Why did you stay back in Japan anyway? I know you went there to train under a master but why didn’t you come back after you were promoted to professional?” Kyungsoo asked the questions he wanted the answer to even if he was unsure whether Chanyeol would be able to give him the answers he was looking for.

“It’s harder to be a professional here in Korea. Only four people are promoted to professional every year. If I didn’t go to Japan, it would take longer for me to become a professional. Besides, my mother and sister are there now. I can’t leave them,” Chanyeol answered.

 

Kyungsoo was quite taken aback by Chanyeol’s answer. Takeda’s words began to ring and echo in his head like a warning alarm. Chanyeol still believed and talked as if they were alive.

Kyungsoo was afraid that he had dug too deep and he didn’t want to frighten Chanyeol just yet by unintentionally inciting unwanted memories, especially considering what Chanyeol was going through and that he had an important match in a few hours.

Kyungsoo quickly changed the topic to Go instead. At least that got Chanyeol talking even if a little.

 

Before the match, Kyungsoo managed to pick up breakfast for himself and Chanyeol at a fast food restaurant on the same street as the hotel.

Chanyeol, of course, only stood behind the shorter Kyungsoo and pointed on the menu to what he wanted instead of relaying it verbally to the lady taking their orders.

If ordering food involved a Go board and the pieces, then Chanyeol probably would be able to talk just a little bit more.

 

 

 

After being dropped off by the taxi on the street in front of the large convention hall in the middle of a business district in Seoul; Kyungsoo was about to reach into his pocket for his staff pass as a member of the South Korean Go player’s association but instantly retracted his hand when he realized he was holding Chanyeol’s hand.

It wasn’t because he didn’t want to let go of Chanyeol’s hand but the fact that he was just about to walk up there into the tournament hall and present himself as a staff member of the South Korean Go association; while accompanying and being in charge over a player from the Japan Go Association.

Then again, Chanyeol was a former member of the South Korean Go association and was well respected and liked by his fellow countrymen, even if he was playing for the other team now.

That seemed like some sort of television drama-like betrayal, even if Kyungsoo wasn’t really a staff member of the tournament for the South Korean Go Association. He had just gotten the pass from Sehun, who was conveniently the association’s president’s nephew.

In reality, Kyungsoo’s rank was too low to be playing in such a tournament and he hadn’t been in the association long enough to be considered as a staff member either.

 

Kyungsoo ditched his intention to use his staff pass and hold Chanyeol’s hand instead, walking him up the stairs and down the hall leading to the venue.

Outside the match hall in the hallway, lines of people were waiting outside against the wall. There were people from all over the world ranging from staff members, players, association committee representatives and even a few journalists and people from the press.

Kyungsoo gulped at the sight of the crowd leading up to the desk for Chanyeol to register his participation in the day’s match.

 

Kyungsoo halted near the glass doors, refusing to take the step inside yet.

Almost everyone here would recognize Chanyeol and try to come up and talk to him. The press would be likely shoving their cameras in Chanyeol’s face and trying to interview him too.

How was this so inconvenient that Kyungsoo was not briefed what to do by Takeda.

Kyungsoo was more uncomfortable at how Chanyeol would handle this than not knowing what to do.

 

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asked, leaning over Kyungsoo’s shoulders.

“I’m good,” Kyungsoo bluffed. “Are you alright, though? There are a lot of people here who want to talk to you.” Kyungsoo sighed, slapping a hand over his forehead, “Why am I asking you this anyway? You’ve been in hundred matches before. You know what to do obviously but I’m worried about you.”

“You are nervous, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol pointed out, tugging on Kyungsoo’s sleeve.

“Yeah, I am,” Kyungsoo admitted, removing the hand from over his forehead. “What do you usually do with so many people around like this?”

“Uh…” Chanyeol gaped, “They ask me questions and I answer them to Takeda. Then, Takeda answers them for me.”

“Okay then, but are you okay with the crowd? Will you be alright?” Kyungsoo asked, concerned.

“Don’t leave me alone, please,” Chanyeol pleaded, tugging harder onto the sleeve of Kyungsoo’s shirt.

“I’ll try. But I can’t follow you when during your match.” Kyungsoo explained to Chanyeol.

“Just stay somewhere where I can see you. Please,” Chanyeol requested, almost whimpering.

“I’ll try but I can’t promise you that I can,” Kyungsoo mentioned.

 

Kyungsoo removed Chanyeol’s hand from his sleeve, choosing to hold his hand instead of letting Chanyeol tug on the sleeve.

Holding onto Chanyeol’s hand; Kyungsoo led the way and braved himself through the crowd to walk up to the registration counter, so he could register and confirm Chanyeol’s attendance for his match that day.

Lucky for Chanyeol and maybe Kyungsoo too, Kyungsoo managed to slip by unnoticed by most of the crowd.

Kyungsoo was unknown by the Go community after all and Chanyeol seemed to be hanging his head low as he held onto Kyungsoo’s hand, following closely from behind. It helped for him to be less recognizable although Chanyeol did stick out with his height.

 

Even those that did notice Chanyeol and recognized him as one of the renowned top players seemed hesitant or did not want to approach him to ask questions.

The journalists also seemed to be busy interviewing another player which gave some leeway for Kyungsoo to slip by them and quickly usher Chanyeol to the registration desk.

 

 

At the registration desk, Chanyeol handed Kyungsoo his player number and pass. Kyungsoo was the one who signed in for Chanyeol and showed the pass to the association staff on duty.

“There you are,” The young man working at the registration desk announced upon seeing Kyungsoo accompanying Chanyeol to the match.

“Me? You mean him?” Kyungsoo pointed to himself, then looking behind at Chanyeol standing nearby.

“Not him. I mean you. You are Park Chanyeol’s assistant, aren’t you? He was here yesterday alone and he looked a bit lost and unsure where to go to sign up. We tried calling the Japan Go association but they said someone would only be coming today to assist Park Chanyeol during his match. All professional players of the top tier need an assistant at least. That’s you, isn’t it?”

“Uh…yeah?” Kyungsoo hesitatingly confirmed. He wasn’t officially Chanyeol’s assistant nor was he a member of the Japan Go association but he was entrusted the duty to him by Takeda. Until then, Kyungsoo had to figuratively “betray” the South Korean Go association.

“I thought they’d send someone Japanese,” Kyungsoo overheard the young man muttering to himself.

 

 

Kyungsoo received another staff pass but this time as a “member” of the Japan Go association and as Chanyeol’s assistant.

Kyungsoo also received Chanyeol’s match schedule from the organizers. Chanyeol’s match was set to just be in an hour from then. His opponent was already decided from yesterday, that being a Taiwanese player by the name of Chou Ming-hsun whom Chanyeol claimed to know.

 

 

While most assistants to professional Go players would often attract the press’ attention by requesting them to interview the player they were accompanying, or even meeting up with the other professional players to have a pre-game discussion; Kyungsoo shied away from the crowd and Chanyeol seemed to like that too.

Kyungsoo was a doctor, not a professional Go player nor was he a proper assistant to one. He had no idea how Takeda did things around Chanyeol, but Kyungsoo did know that Chanyeol preferred the quiet and less attention on him.

 

 

Kyungsoo went out to the gardens outside the convention hall the tournament was being held at. Chanyeol, of course, followed suit and sat together with Kyungsoo on a bench in the gardens under a tree, while waiting for the match check-in time which was fifteen minutes prior to the official start time.

Kyungsoo was replying to texts from Takeda, telling Takeda that he had successfully registered Chanyeol for his match and relaying the match time back to Takeda.

Takeda quickly followed up with a text saying that he would be arriving in Seoul at least before midnight to relieve Kyungsoo off his assistant duties.

 

Kyungsoo still had to go to the hospital around four in the afternoon to cover for half a shift, which would be only four hours long. Kyungsoo had heard of professional Go matches taking more than six hours, some even lasting until the night with hourly breaks.

Kyungsoo hoped Chanyeol’s match wouldn’t last that long that day.

 

Kyungsoo had to be at work by four in the afternoon, which was about five hours after Chanyeol’s match was supposed to begin.

Kyungsoo couldn’t miss work but he couldn’t leave Chanyeol alone there either. That would just be plain cruel for him to do that to someone like Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo would have asked for help from Sehun but unfortunately and inconveniently, Sehun was not on duty at the match that day. He was completing his shift hours at the hospital and would only be on duty again on the day of the final match.

 

Then again, Chanyeol also did not know Sehun yet. Kyungsoo couldn’t just leave Chanyeol even with a trusted friend because Sehun was still a stranger to Chanyeol. And Kyungsoo had seen how Chanyeol reacted around strangers.

Even Takeda mentioned that Chanyeol barely talked to people and even then, those people numbered a few.

Kyungsoo was still surprised that Chanyeol even wanted to talk to him and trusted him even after all these years spent apart. If Kyungsoo was in Chanyeol’s shoes, he’d be mad at himself but then again Chanyeol was different now.

How exactly did Kyungsoo stand as a person in Chanyeol’s point of view?

 

 

 

While Kyungsoo was browsing through his phone on the garden bench, Kyungsoo glanced over at Chanyeol sitting beside him and going through the briefcase for something.

Kyungsoo saw Chanyeol pull out the takeaway from last night out of the briefcase.

Chanyeol set the takeaway box on his lap and was about to open it when Kyungsoo halted him, putting a hand between Chanyeol and the takeout.

“Chanyeol, that was from last night. I don’t think it’s good anymore. If you’re still hungry, I’ll get you something from the vending machine,” Kyungsoo offered.

Chanyeol stared at Kyungsoo then at the takeout in his lap before returning to Kyungsoo.

“Let me take this. Don’t eat this,” Kyungsoo took the takeout from Chanyeol’s lap and disposed of it in a trash can nearby.

 

Kyungsoo then returned to the bench and stretched a hand out to Chanyeol, “Come, let’s get something from the vending machine.”

Chanyeol swiftly and without hesitation took Kyungsoo’s hand into his and picked up his briefcase with his free hand; following Kyungsoo to the vending machine somewhere outside the convention hall and a bit away from the crowd too.

 

“Which one do you want?” Kyungsoo looked up to the side at Chanyeol standing beside him.

Chanyeol was looking intently, observing all the food and drinks displayed within the machine behind the glass display.

Chanyeol pointed to a bag of chips and nodded to Kyungsoo.

“Breaded chips it is?” Kyungsoo asked to confirm with Chanyeol as he tried to use his palm to straighten a crinkled up note that the vending machine kept on rejecting, spitting the note back out.

Chanyeol nodded again and lifted two fingers to Kyungsoo.

“Okay, I’ll get two,” Kyungsoo confirmed, fishing into his wallet for more small change to slot into the machine. Whatever small notes he had seemed to be rejected by the machine and everything else he had were larger denominations which the machine seem to want to accept.

 

Kyungsoo grunted in frustration and restrained himself from wanting to kick the machine. The vending machines at the hospital never gave him this much of a problem before but this particular one seemed to be personally messing with him at this point.

Kyungsoo pulled out a large note he had from his wallet and was about to sprint off and look for someone with change that would be accepted by the machine. After all, there were a lot of people there that day, even if it was quiet near the machine vending machine.

There had to be someone with change that the machine would take. If Kyungsoo was going to do that, he had to be fast too because he couldn’t leave Chanyeol alone for long out in public.

 

Before Kyungsoo had even excused himself for a second; he saw Chanyeol slipping in the notes needed, which the machine accepted.

Chanyeol smiled, turning his head to Kyungsoo. Soon, the bags of chips were ready to be picked up at the dispensing compartment and Chanyeol promptly retrieved it.

“Oh,” Kyungsoo blurted. “I guess that works too. I’ll pay you later.”

 

Kyungsoo had not even thought about borrowing Chanyeol’s money or asking him to exchange the notes with. It did make Kyungsoo realize that he was probably and slightly undermining or overlooking Chanyeol’s capabilities to be independent.

Honestly, Kyungsoo did not know how Chanyeol stood in his eyes either.

 

 

Chanyeol handed Kyungsoo one bag of chip, “For you.”

“Me? Oh, thanks,” Kyungsoo accepted the bag of chips, having thought earlier that Chanyeol wanted to have both of it.

Chanyeol sat on the white tiled floor with his back to a wall near the vending machine. Chanyeol crossed his legs and opened the bag of breaded chips as he crunched on the junk food.

Kyungsoo followed suit, sitting on the floor with his back to the wall like Chanyeol was doing. It took Kyungsoo a few minutes of thought before he finally opened up his bag of breaded chips and began eating.

 

Chanyeol was a full-grown adult who did happen to have a disability which hindered his daily life but he was also one of the world’s best Go players. Chanyeol wouldn’t have managed that if he wasn’t capable enough, even with his condition.

It confused Kyungsoo and even though it hadn’t been long since their reunion; Kyungsoo knew he needed to treat Chanyeol as an adult and not as a child.

It might need some time getting used to and it sounded like a lot of work already.

 

 

Kyungsoo knew of this brand of chips but he never tried it before. Now that he tasted it, it was actually pretty good.

It was quiet in that slightly deserted area, near the vending machine in the convention hall area. There were a few people occasionally passing by but none of them seemed to notice Kyungsoo or Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo could hear the sounds of muttering and people talking in the distance from the tournament hall area but here, it was quiet.

 

Kyungsoo sat aside his bags of chips on the floor, making sure it sat upright and not spilling over near him.

Chanyeol continued eating and quite audibly crunching into his own bag of chips.

“You know,” Kyungsoo began to speak above the muffled silence of chattering in the distance, “I always wondered why someone like you would even want to be friends with me. You were the cool kid in high school and I was that nerdy kid who was only interested in studying.”

Chanyeol finished chewing the chips in his mouth first before swallowing and answering Kyungsoo while looking through his almost finished bag of chips, “It’s because I like you.”

“You do?” Kyungsoo snickered.

“I thought you were interesting and I still think you are,” Chanyeol answered, getting back up and standing in front of Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol held out his hand, offering it to Kyungsoo to help the latter get up. “My match is starting soon. Let’s go.”

 

 

When it came to and concerning Go, only then Chanyeol seemed to talk and seemed more capable and independent. This was what he lived for, after all.

Kyungsoo cleared up the bag of chips and before they left for the tournament hall, Chanyeol bought himself a bottle of tea from the vending machine without even having to ask Kyungsoo to do it for him.

 

 

Along the way to the tournament hall, Chanyeol did not hold Kyungsoo’s hand but followed from behind closely.

Chanyeol seemed alright and even smiled and bowed his head to people who recognized him, although he did not stop to talk to them.

But, Kyungsoo saw the slight distress in Chanyeol’s eye as he bowed to the other people and made his way to the hall where his match would be held very soon.

This obviously made Chanyeol uncomfortable but he was hiding it now, braving through it. Chanyeol was stronger than Kyungsoo thought him to be.

Maybe, his old friend whom he knew from back in high school was still somewhere inside there underneath all this trauma and tragedy.

 

 

While Kyungsoo’s match was taking place, Kyungsoo sat in a row of chairs from a viewing distance away from Chanyeol and his opponent at the match table with the Go board and pieces in front of them.

Sitting beside Kyungsoo were other members and players from the Japan Go association who spoke a few words in Japanese to him and then continued observing the match from where they sat at.

Kyungsoo pretended to nod and acknowledge whatever they were saying to him even if he understood not a single word.

 

A middle-aged man in a suit, the referee, stood by the table where Chanyeol was playing off against his opponent. There was also another person who acted as the timekeeper and kept track of the moves played in the match.

A camera was also recording the game and taking pictures during Chanyeol’s match, as it was considered one of the higher profile matches with both players being top-tier professionals.

A larger view of the match currently ongoing on the board was displayed on a larger screen on the screen, the feed taken from the camera.

Matches of these kinds were usually recorded and then watched again by fellow Go players or enthusiasts as learning material. To them, it was interesting and informative to study a top player’s moves and try to deduce why they chose to do so on the board.

 

 

Kyungsoo was too trying to observe the match as best as he could but he soon lost track of the match. Professionals did play in a world entirely of their own. Their moves were fact, precise and well calculated.

Soon, Kyungsoo was not able to make any sense nor did he understand what was going on with the match anymore. All the arrangements of the Go pieces and how either player knew where to put their piece to capture the other’s all seemed to escape Kyungsoo.

How did they do that? Why did they do that? How did doing them benefit them? Kyungsoo was way out of this league in understanding all these worked.

Somehow, it made Kyungsoo feel quite small in a sense, compared to Chanyeol. Not that physical size had anything to do with how he felt in terms of Go capabilities.

 

Chanyeol looked serious, focused and fully into the game compared to when he was outside of the match.

Outside and away from the board, he just looked lost and confused. Seeing Chanyeol that way, Kyungsoo could not help but want to hold Chanyeol’s hand to lead the way and take care of him.

 

But now; even from afar, Kyungsoo could see and Chanyeol’s skills and professionalism in Go. It didn’t look like anything was in between Chanyeol and the board. Chanyeol was confident and he exuded it.

If Kyungsoo felt anything now, he would say it was awe and reverence for Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo saw firsthand that day, why Chanyeol was a top-tier professional and why he deserved the title.

Chanyeol always had lived for Go.

 

Sometime during the match, Chanyeol looked up and turned to look at Kyungsoo in the spectator’s seat, smiling before nodding and returning his attention to the board.

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile back at his old friend, Chanyeol.

Even during a match, Chanyeol made sure to note that Kyungsoo was there. Kyungsoo remembered how Chanyeol always made him feel important and there was this feeling again, bringing back the nostalgia of when things were a bit simpler.

The feeling only incited Kyungsoo to want to help Chanyeol even further even if he knew that he could not buy wasted time and that he likely wouldn’t be able to get his old friend back either.

 

 

Chanyeol won his match that day in a little over two hours when his opponent decided to concede defeat.

Winning the second match in a best of three sets, Chanyeol was to advance to the finals the day after tomorrow.

After the post-match review, Chanyeol was swarmed by some people asking him questions and wanting to talk to him.

Kyungsoo did his best of redirecting the questions, however. Chanyeol whispered his answer to Kyungsoo’s ear. Kyungsoo would then relay to whoever was asking it.

So far, that seemed to work.

 

 

Kyungsoo had to rush to work right after Chanyeol’s match. Chanyeol’s hotel and Kyungsoo’s apartment were a bit out of the way from the hospital, and Kyungsoo didn’t have the time to drop Chanyeol off at either place.

Kyungsoo didn’t want to let Chanyeol go back alone either. Chanyeol seemed to have forgotten how to travel around Seoul in the fourteen years he had been away.

Furthermore, Kyungsoo still hadn’t fully known or understood what Chanyeol was capable of doing alone and what he wasn’t. Kyungsoo still needed more time around Chanyeol to learn all that.

 

Kyungsoo only had to be at the hospital for four hours that afternoon and decided to bring Chanyeol along with him, thinking that Chanyeol could possibly wait for him at the hospital’s cafeteria for a bit.

 

“Chanyeol, we have to go the hospital now. I don’t have time to send you back so you’ll have to come with me. My shift is only four hours today so you don’t have to wait for long. I’ll lend you my phone so you won’t be too bored waiting for me,” Kyungsoo announced, leading Chanyeol down the pedestrian sidewalk as they headed to the taxi stand to catch a cab.

“Why are we going to the hospital?” Chanyeol asked, his voice low.

“I work there now, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo replied. “I’m a doctor, remember?”

“You are a doctor?”

“Yes, I am,” Kyungsoo affirmed.

“I am happy for you. You achieved your dreams.” Chanyeol expressed, genuinely sounding happy on behalf of Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo started to recall if he ever told Chanyeol about him becoming a doctor. Then, it occurred to Kyungsoo that he hadn’t after all.

“I could say the same about you too,” Kyungsoo added, “You are a top Go player like you always wanted to be.”

Chanyeol chuckled in response, “It’s only because I have nothing outside of Go. I would be useless without it. I can’t lose what my entire existence has been built up around. If I lose it, I might collapse.”

 

Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat at Chanyeol’s words. Chanyeol was self-aware to a degree even in his state but to be aware of something so melancholic did seem a bit cruel when compared to a lot of the other things that Chanyeol was unaware of.

Kyungsoo held on tighter to Chanyeol’s hand in his grasp after hearing that. Kyungsoo didn’t have the heart to let go now.

 

 

Chanyeol’s moves on the Go board weren’t just from professionalism or skills. It was every bit of his living breath and the desire to be the best on what his entire life depended on because without it, he was nothing and empty.

Chanyeol lived for Go and nothing else, after all.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go players are ranked from the lowest 30-kyu (geup in Korean) to the highest 1-kyu. This is the bracket for amateur players.   
> After they move on from the amateur bracket, they are ranked from the lowest 1-dan to the highest 7-dan. This is the advanced amateur rank.  
> The next rank is the professional group which ranges from the lowest 1 professional dan to the highest 9 professional dan.
> 
> Different countries have different promotion systems and requirement. Hence, a players rank may be different (higher or lower) if she moves to a different country.


	4. Articulation

 

“Calling Dr. Do Kyungsoo from General Surgery to the front desk at the reception please.”

 

Kyungsoo was in one of the rooms, going through one of his patient’s charts and results which he recently received from the laboratory technicians when he heard the announcement over the speaker system.

The announcement was repeated thrice before it fell silent again and only the sounds of the whirring of the machines and the lab technician clicking her pen were heard in the room he was in.

Kyungsoo looked up from the results of a biopsy test in his hand, scrunching his nose, “Did I hear that right? Are they looking for me?”

“There is another doctor named Kyungsoo in this hospital but he doesn’t have your surname. I’m pretty sure it’s you,” The lab technician deadpanned, going back to her desk full of charts, clicking her pen away.

“Well then, I’ll be back,” Kyungsoo excused himself, leaving the room and walking out with his hands in the front pockets of his laboratory coat.

 

Kyungsoo’s hands fiddled around with a small notepad and a pen which he stuffed into his lab coat pockets, as he walked down the pristine and well-lit hallways of the general hospital he was assigned to.

Kyungsoo nodded and smiled to the hospital staff who passed by him. Even if he didn’t know them personally, Kyungsoo always made sure to be as approachable as possible.

Kyungsoo didn’t really want to be that scary doctor everyone was afraid of visiting; the one that parents used to talk about to scare kids if they misbehaved and fell ill.

Kyungsoo wanted to be known as the warm and bright doctor whom everyone could talk to easily.

 

 

Kyungsoo opted to use the staircase instead of using the elevator to get to the ground floor, where the front registration desk was located at. It was just at the floor below where he was currently at anyway.

Kyungsoo did not run into anyone in the staircase hall and he sort of found comfort in the familiar sounds of his footsteps echoing off the walls as he stepped down the steps. Kyungsoo liked the familiarity and routine.

Kyungsoo wondered why he had been called down there in the first place. Was a patient personally looking for him? Did the specialist doctor he was under decided to come in out of his working hours and instruct him to assist?

 

Kyungsoo came up with several theories as he was walking down to the front desk, right in front of the waiting area which was lined with people waiting in the row of chairs for their turn to be attended to. This was the non-emergency section of the hospital so nothing was too dire or needed to be attended to immediately.

“I was called for. What may it be?” Kyungsoo inquired, resting an elbow on the front desk.

“Oh Sehun is looking for you. He’s in the emergency section but he said it wasn’t an emergency. He just needs you there,” Kyungsoo was informed by the middle-aged lady with curly hair at the front desk.

“Then why didn’t he just call me?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Ask him, not me. I have work to do,” The curly-haired lady chased away Kyungsoo so she could tend to the next person who came up to the front desk.

 

“Weird,” Kyungsoo told himself, tapping his fingers on the surface of the desk before heading down to the emergency area.

There didn’t seem to be any emergency cases at the moment and the hospital staff were more relaxed and at ease as they went about their normal duties when Kyungsoo arrived.

Kyungsoo was no senior doctor or specialist either so he wasn’t the type to make everyone stand at attention and start taking their work a bit more seriously when he arrived in the area.

The older doctors were notoriously known for being a little strict and nitpicky when it came to work. Kyungsoo found them a bit rigid and personally believed that a little leniency and flexibility would be better.

Maybe it was because of them, Kyungsoo aimed to be that approachable doctor whom people were comfortable to talk to about their health.

 

But it would take Kyungsoo probably a decade or more before he could even become a specialist. Until then, Kyungsoo was laying out the framework for his career path and he believed he almost got it. He was on his way there.

Compared to being in front of a Go board, Kyungsoo had more confidence being here even with a scalpel in his hand in front of an operating table.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo spotted Sehun’s figure from afar and sped up his steps to walk up to his friend, the registered nurse. Sehun was wearing his usual green scrubs and had his back turned and was leaning over a counter, writing something down onto a clipboard when Kyungsoo approached him.

“Yo,” Kyungsoo hollered, “You called me?”

Sehun turned around to face Kyungsoo and stuck the pencil he was writing with, behind his earlobe which he liked to do as a habit, “Yeah, I did. It’s not an emergency though in the medical sense. It’s a Go emergency.”

“A Go emergency? What is that?”

“Come here,” Sehun grabbed Kyungsoo by the hand and led him down past some doors and down the hallway away from the emergency area.

Sehun stopped in front of the door to the nurse’s break room and pushed the door open with his knuckle, “Go in.”

 

Kyungsoo did as he was told and stepped into the room to find Chanyeol sitting on a chair near a table with his briefcase on his lap.

Chanyeol lifted his head, alert and at attention when he saw Kyungsoo walk into the room. If Kyungsoo could put it to words, Chanyeol sort of looked like an excited dog that was happy to see their owner return home.

Chanyeol’s rather pointy ears which stuck out further from his head than most people didn’t help either.

Kyungsoo was rather embarrassed at making that resemblance but Chanyeol wasn’t helping either.

 

“Uh…Chanyeol? Didn’t I leave you in the cafeteria? I told you to wait there for me, didn’t I?”, Kyungsoo questioned, trying to remember if he really left Chanyeol in the cafeteria.

Chanyeol’s mouth hung slightly open like he was going to say something but he didn’t speak. Chanyeol looked rather puzzled to as he went back and forth, looking at Kyungsoo and then at Sehun.

Sehun leaned against a cabinet with his arms folded over his chest, “I found him wandering down the halls here. He was lost and I thought I was dreaming when I saw East Asia’s top Go player roaming around here. I know you said you were friends with him but I didn’t know you were this close!”

“What do you mean by ‘how close’?” Kyungsoo questioned.

“He won’t answer me when I tried asking him if he was lost or if he needed anything. He just kept saying your name over and over again. He wouldn’t talk to anyone else either so I made him wait here until I could find you,” Sehun informed.

“Hey, he’s right here, you know,” Kyungsoo pointed out, patting Chanyeol on the shoulder reassuringly. “He’s just a little quiet.”

“Yeah, I did hear Park Chanyeol was a rather quiet man. He usually talks to people through his assistant so I was surprised to see him here alone and looking for you to boot,” Sehun stated.

“The truth is, I was the one who brought him here. I couldn’t leave him so I made him wait at the cafeteria for a bit but I think he wandered around and got lost,” Kyungsoo clarified, plopping down on the chair across from Chanyeol before turning his attention to his tall friend and asking, “You’re okay, there?”

Chanyeol nodded and his lips formed a thin smile.

“That’s good,” Kyungsoo noted.

“That’s what I want to know,” Sehun expressed, “What is he doing here with you? Where is his assistant, as a matter of fact? Don’t tell me that you kidnapped the top Go player?”

“It’s a long story but I’m his assistant until this evening,” Kyungsoo revealed.

“Wha- How?” Sehun gaped, mouth hanging open at the perplexity of the situation he was in.

Kyungsoo turned to Chanyeol again, “Chanyeol, I'm going to talk with Sehun outside of the room for just a little bit. Can you wait in here for me? It’s going to be just a few minutes.”

Chanyeol nodded again.

 

Kyungsoo took the cue and pulled Sehun by the hand, leading him out of the break room and into the empty hospital hallways outside the room.

“Look, I can’t talk about this in front of him but Chanyeol is a bit ‘special’,” Kyungsoo tried to put in the best words he could.

“Of course he is. Have you seen how many tournaments he won?” Sehun exclaimed.

“Yeah, special in Go but a bit special up in here too,” Kyungsoo pointed to his head.

Sehun paused, before realizing what Kyungsoo actually meant by that and then going, “Oh, I get it.”

“Not many people know it but he’s been that way since a car accident about five years ago. He has selective mutism too so he’s rather anxious around people he’s uncomfortable with. He can’t talk to everyone,” Kyungsoo enlightened.

“That doesn’t explain why you’re his assistant though. What’s up with that? Where are the people he usually travels with?” Sehun further asked. “I thought that he was being accompanied by the people from the association?”

“Something came up and he had to travel to the tournament alone. Someone from Japan is coming to get him this evening though so I’m watching over him for now,” Kyungsoo replied.

“Why you though? You’re not even a staff member of the Go association. Heck, you’re not even a member of the Japan Go association. I mean, I know you said you were Chanyeol’s’ friend from high school but I thought you two were like just in the same class. I didn’t know you were this close,” Sehun’s face suddenly lit up, “You’re lucky though. I can only imagine being in your place. You should have asked him to teach you to play Go.”

“We are- I mean were close back in the days. It seems like Chanyeol is still comfortable being around me and the Japan association didn’t want him to be alone so they decided to trust him with me,” Kyungsoo answered, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms over his chest.

Sehun glanced one more time at the door to the break room with Chanyeol inside before returning to Kyungsoo, “But he wasn’t always like this, isn’t he? No?”

“No,” Kyungsoo shook his head, “It’s only recently.”

“I should have noticed that there wasn’t anyone accompanying him during his tournament yesterday. I was there and everything too,” Sehun tried to recall. “So does that mean you went to this morning’s tournament?”

“I did.”

“Did he win? I can’t get more off time from work until the final match. I already applied for too much leave already. I’m seriously considering quitting this nursing thing and becoming a full-time Go player if I can hit professional,” Sehun revealed, leaning on the wall beside Kyungsoo too.

“Yes, he won. He’ll be at the finals the day after tomorrow. I’m not sure if I can go then though,” Kyungsoo returned to the room to check up on Chanyeol.

Sehun followed Kyungsoo almost instantly.

 

“Are you feeling alright?” Kyungsoo asked gently, resting a hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

Chanyeol, seated on the chair, looked up into Kyungsoo’s eyes behind the pair of prescription glasses the doctor wore and nodded, muttering a low, “Yes.”

Kyungsoo softly smiled, “Alright then. I get off work in about two hours so it won’t be long until then. I’ll send you back to the hotel after that. Takeda is coming to get you so don’t worry.”

Chanyeol’s eyes darted from Kyungsoo’s gaze to Sehun standing a few feet behind Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol’s pupils grew larger and the neutral expression on his face changed as if he was alarmed at something. Immediately, Chanyeol grabbed Kyungsoo’s hand from his shoulder and held onto it like a personal clutch to keep him safe.

Chanyeol looked away from Sehun and pressed his face into Kyungsoo’s hand.

 

Kyungsoo looked over his shoulder and saw Sehun shrugging. Kyungsoo knew what was up with Chanyeol’s behavior.

“Chanyeol, it’s alright,” Kyungsoo rubbed a hand on Chanyeol’s upper back. “This is my friend, Oh Sehun. He’s a nurse here. He plays Go too like you. Don’t worry. He’s a bit silly but he’s a nice guy.” Kyungsoo gently assured Chanyeol.

Chanyeol lifted his face from Kyungsoo’s hand and looked up to Sehun behind Kyungsoo again.

“Uh…hi,” Sehun lifted a hand and slightly bowed his head to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol pulled Kyungsoo down a little closer by the arm to whisper something into Kyungsoo’s ear.

Kyungsoo then relayed what Chanyeol had told him to Sehun, “He says hi too and that it’s nice to meet you.”

Sehun sighed in relief and chuckled, “It’s nice to meet you too, Chanyeol. I’m sorry if I scared you by dragging you here but you seemed lost and I wanted t make sure you were safe.”

“That’s alright,” Chanyeol’s voice croaked but he managed to speak in his own voice and of his own accord even if softly.

 

 

Kyungsoo was quite glad that Chanyeol was able to do that. Kyungsoo really believed in Chanyeol that things could get better and would be alright.

Until then, Kyungsoo would have to relearn the person that was Chanyeol. Things were different now and he had to act differently too.

 

 

Chanyeol waited in the cafeteria for the next two hours. Kyungsoo bought Chanyeol a meal and lent Chanyeol his phone so he could read anything he wanted to on the internet.

Kyungsoo took note that even though Chanyeol did not own a phone for himself, he did know how to use and navigate his way around one.

Kyungsoo reassured Chanyeol that the latter would be alright and he wouldn’t be taking long before his shift ended.

Chanyeol was easily compliant and this time, he did not wander around and waited for Kyungsoo diligently although he spent most of the time slowly chewing his food and looking down at the aluminum tables in the hospital’s cafeteria.

 

 

Kyungsoo often dilly dallied when his shift ended, choosing to stay back at least another extra fifteen minutes to do a bit of extra work before going back to the locker room and then punching out for his shift on the punch clock.

Kyungsoo was usually a little bit later than his co-workers but not today he wasn’t. As soon as the clock hit eight in the evening, Kyungsoo immediately finished up and went to the locker room immediately.

Thankfully, there were no emergencies either and since it was outside of consultation hours, there wasn’t anything to hold him back either.

 

Kyungsoo quickly changed into his casual clothes and punched out of his shift before brisk walking to the cafeteria to fetch Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo sighed in relief innately when he saw Chanyeol still waiting for him there at the table in the cafeteria with his head lowered until Kyungsoo could see the crown of Chanyeol’s head.

Now, Kyungsoo knew what all parents felt like when they picked up their child after a long day at school and they were safe and sound. Except, he was no parent and Chanyeol was way too old to be his child even in that case.

 

Kyungsoo reprimanded himself for even making such a similarity towards Chanyeol. Chanyeol was no child and it was degrading to put him akin to such.

Chanyeol lacked in some areas but he was a capable adult who just needed help in some things, and Kyungsoo made sure to respect the boundaries.

There had to be a clear boundary between taking care of someone and babying them and Kyungsoo didn’t want to fall into the latter.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo hailed a taxi outside the hospital which was conveniently passing by around the time he walked out of the front doors with Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo made sure Chanyeol got in first before he did, joining Chanyeol at the rear passenger seat before telling the driver where they were headed to; which was the hotel Chanyeol was staying at.

Kyungsoo had his phone back now and during the taxi ride, he was replying to texts from Takeda who said he was at the airport now and waiting for his flight to Seoul.

Chanyeol sat in silence by his side, with shoulders hunched over as he stared out the window.

Kyungsoo was busy texting information back and forth to Takeda that he did not realize it instantly when Chanyeol rested a hand on his lap.

 

Kyungsoo only realized it when he felt a weight on his shoulder and he saw that Chanyeol had fallen asleep on left shoulder, snug and breathing loudly, with a hand still rested on Kyungsoo’s lap.

Kyungsoo quickly replied to the text and put his phone away before moving and shifting carefully so he could lean back on the car seat without waking Chanyeol up.

This way, it would be more comfortable for the both of them during the car ride until they arrived at the hotel.

 

 

Go always tired Chanyeol out pretty fast even back when they were in high school.

Although it wasn’t as physically exerting when compared to other sports, a lot of focus and brain power were used in a Go match, which contributed to the fatigue and drowsiness Chanyeol felt especially after a match against someone of a similar level to him.

Chanyeol would always go home after a match and just sleep the rest of the evening away, only to wake up after daybreak the next day.

Chanyeol was an introvert after all and like all introverts, being alone helped him recharge the energy he needed for when he had to go out and be around other people.

Even if Chanyeol did not talk much to others, being outside and away still drain his energy. Chanyeol was beyond glad to be with Kyungsoo because he did not tire him out even if Go did drain him out of all the energy he had that evening.

 

While in the taxi with Chanyeol sleeping on his shoulder, Kyungsoo himself was beginning to be lulled to sleep. He had a long day too, accompanying Chanyeol to the Go tournament and then later having to work even if only for half a shift.

The sound of Chanyeol’s breathing, the comforting weight of Chanyeol’s head on his shoulders and the humming of the car engine certainly did not help at all to keep Kyungsoo awake.

 

Kyungsoo felt his eyelids growing heavier as every second slowly passed by and eventually gave in, thinking that it probably wasn’t much harm to get a little bit of shuteye until he arrived at their destination.

He was tired too, after all.

 

When Kyungsoo closed his eyes, he immediately drifted off to sleep and in that short time, he dreamed an old memory he thought he had forgotten until then.

That was why it felt so comfortingly familiar and almost nostalgic when Chanyeol decided to fall asleep on his shoulders. Chanyeol used to do this too.

 

 

 

Chanyeol would often fall asleep in classes when they were in high school because he had stayed up the entire night before studying and practicing Go instead.

Chanyeol would pull his chair closer to Kyungsoo’s since they were seatmates before plopping his head down on Kyungsoo’s shoulders and falling asleep.

Kyungsoo let Chanyeol sleep as long as he wanted until the teacher caught Chanyeol sleeping that was.

 

The teacher would then ask Chanyeol to go to the office and scold him, reprimanding him for sleeping in class, telling Chanyeol that he should pay attention in class if he wanted to succeed in the future.

Kyungsoo would wait outside the teacher’s office; sitting cross-legged with his back to the wall on the linoleum floor outside, holding and reading from a book in his hand while Chanyeol was being told off inside.

More than often, if not always, Kyungsoo could always hear what the teachers were scolding Chanyeol about.

 

Chanyeol would later emerge from the teacher’s room with red ears and his shirt tucked into his pants as per the school rules, which Chanyeol used to disobey until the teacher doing the scolding would also make him fix it.

“You okay?” Kyungsoo would ask, standing up and tilting his head up, peering from his glasses to look at Chanyeol.

“I'm good. I don’t really care since I’m going to become a professional Go player anyway. I’m not smart like you to rely on my studies anyway,” Chanyeol would always answer, laughing it off and pushing Kyungsoo’s glasses up the bridge of his nose to adjust it.

 

Chanyeol would then hold Kyungsoo’s hand and swung both their arms around as he marched down the school hallway and sang some folk tune all the way until the train station before they went their separate ways to head home.

 

 

Back then, it was always Chanyeol who held his hand and guided him, Kyungsoo realized.

It was the other way around now.

Kyungsoo missed the old Chanyeol very much but maybe it was his fault that things are the way they are today. Kyungsoo regretted ever letting go of that hand, which was why he was going to hold on tight now even if things had been reversed.

 

 

Kyungsoo woke up when the taxi came to a halt in front of the hotel. Gently, Kyungsoo woke Chanyeol up and made the payment to the driver.

Then, Kyungsoo made sure to walk Chanyeol up to the hotel room.

Kyungsoo didn’t leave yet even if it was almost nine in the evening and he should be home. Kyungsoo promised to stay until Takeda arrived, who last texted him saying that his plane was now boarding.

 

Chanyeol undressed in front of Kyungsoo until he was buck naked before stepping into the shower.

Kyungsoo recalled having never seen a naked Chanyeol back in high school. They did sleep over at each other’s place often but always showered separately. The most Kyungsoo saw was a shirtless Chanyeol on the warm summer nights.

It was either that Chanyeol was comfortable being exposed around Kyungsoo now or that he was unaware of the boundaries concerning nudity around other people.

 

Kyungsoo began to worry about that and ended up sitting on the edge of the bed while biting on his thumbnail, stuck in his thought and worry about Chanyeol when he suddenly jumped up and remembered that he had to get dinner for the both of them.

Chanyeol did eat at the hospital cafeteria earlier on but Kyungsoo wanted to make sure that he did not go to bed on an empty stomach. Kyungsoo hadn’t eaten too so he could get food for himself at the same time.

Kyungsoo knocked his left fist on the frosted glass doors of the shower, bellowing so Chanyeol could hear him above the sound of the running shower, “Chanyeol! I’m going down to the restaurant near here. Do you want anything to eat?”

 

The glass doors of the shower slowly swung open and Chanyeol emerged from behind it. There was a rush of cool air which Kyungsoo could feel around him when Chanyeol opened the doors since Chanyeol was using the cold water to shower.

Chanyeol was standing, dripping naked from head to toe but Kyungsoo didn’t mind it the least. He just assumed now that Chanyeol was just very comfortable around him.

It did make Kyungsoo feel a bit special to know that someone like Chanyeol was comfortable and at ease around him.

 

“Uh…I’ll have whatever you’re having but if they have a large serving, get that option for me,” Chanyeol stated, standing behind the frosted glass door.

“Sure, is there anything else you want too?” Kyungsoo asked before he left, making sure.

“Do you know those blue twin popsicles we used to buy from the convenience store?”

“Yeah, I remember those. The ones you can break apart into two separate ones, am I right?” Kyungsoo nodded.

“Is it still being sold?” Chanyeol muttered, “I’m not sure if it is since it’s been years since I last saw it.”

“I’m pretty sure it is. I’ll go check the store too and I’ll get it if I can find it,” Kyungsoo mentioned.

“Okay, you can use my money,” Chanyeol offered before returning to showering.

 

 

Kyungsoo chose to use his own money instead and slipped his shoes back on again before leaving the hotel room with his wallet and the key card to the room.

Kyungsoo stopped at the restaurant down the street first and waited at a table for the takeaway to be prepared. Kyungsoo was given a complimentary drink while waiting but he only stared at it in thought, propping an elbow on the table while resting his cheek on his palm.

 

 

Since Kyungsoo had been apart from Chanyeol, Kyungsoo knew he was never anyone else’s favorite person or best friend but he didn’t really care because he had his nose stuffed in his books and studies almost all the time to bother about his lack of a social life.

 

 

Only now that Kyungsoo was older and hitting his thirties, did he start to care about his relationships with other people.

Humans weren’t solitary beings after all; and Kyungsoo only realized that when he found himself yearning for someone to talk to on the lonely nights when he had no work to do and so much to talk about, but not having anyone, in particular, to tell to.

Kyungsoo had feared that it was too late to salvage anything else when he tried to contact and meet up with Chanyeol again.

Although his fears proved to be untrue, Kyungsoo did not see the sudden change coming in Chanyeol and in their relationship.

But who was Kyungsoo to believe that things would stay the same after so long? Surely, there had to be at least one thing or two that changed.

 

 

After leaving the restaurant with the takeaway boxes, Kyungsoo headed to the convenience store across the street.

In the freezer for the ice cream and frozen food, Kyungsoo found the popsicle Chanyeol had been referring to. Sure enough, it was still manufactured and being sold after all these years although the packaging designs had changed since then.

Back in high school when the two had limited funds and pocket money, this was their favorite junk food to go to because it could be broken into two halves for two people and was still cheaper than buying it individually.

It only served to remind Kyungsoo of the days which had long passed and how he was an adult with his own income now, who no longer needed to be calculative on buying popsicles.

Kyungsoo bought one pair of the popsicle and returned to the hotel room promptly.

 

 

Chanyeol had finished showering by then and changed into his sleeping clothes. Kyungsoo set the takeaway boxes down on the console table and handed Chanyeol the plastic bag with the popsicle in it.

“I think you should eat this before it melts,” Kyungsoo told Chanyeol.

Chanyeol took the plastic bag into his hand and pulled out the popsicle out of it, slowly unwrapping the packaging and tossing the wrapper into the small trash bin in a corner of the room.

Kyungsoo observed that Chanyeol looked gleeful and happy when he found out that the popsicle still looked the same as it did years ago.

 

Even if it was just a popsicle, Kyungsoo felt some relief that there was at least that one thing that hadn’t changed since then.

“Do you remember what the kids used to say about these popsicles back when we were in school?”, Chanyeol spoke clearly in the few instances that he did so.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo recited, “If you share it with someone and each of you grabs on to the stick and break it apart at the same time, whoever has the larger portion likes the other person more than they do.” Kyungsoo then laughed, “I wonder who even came up with that in the first place.”

“Do you want to try it?” Chanyeol walked across the room and stood near Kyungsoo, offering the second stick on the popsicle for Kyungsoo to try and break apart.

“Sure,” Kyungsoo agreed, going along with it.

 

Chanyeol held onto one stick of the still conjoined popsicle while Kyungsoo grabbed on to the other stick.

Kyungsoo counted down from three to one before each of them slowly tried to pull their stick apart from the other half.

It resulted in an almost perfect split down the middle with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo getting equal sides of it.

 

Kyungsoo chuckled, hiding his mouth behind one hand and holding up his evenly split popsicle in the other hand.

“So it’s equal between us. We like each other as much,” Chanyeol gleefully stated with a wide smile on his face.

Kyungsoo continued laughing, amused at the scene and flooded with joyful emotions that he couldn’t quite contain which resulted in the bursting of laughter.

Chanyeol soon joined Kyungsoo and laughed along.

It was splendidly joyous.

 

 

After dinner, Chanyeol brushed his teeth and went to sleep almost immediately while Kyungsoo stayed up and waited for Takeda who last texted saying that his plane had landed and he was on the way to the hotel.

Takeda arrived a little bit after midnight and Kyungsoo met up with him in the quiet hotel café down in the lobby.

Takeda looked to be about Kyungsoo’s age and height, although a bit on the thinner side and looked very studious too. Takeda arrived well-dressed in a black suit and tie.

 

“We have a lot to talk about, Dr. Do,” Takeda mentioned in his accented Korean, greeting and shaking Kyungsoo’s hand.

“Please just call me Kyungsoo,” Kyungsoo shook Takeda’s hand in return with a firm and steady grip. “I do have a lot to talk to you too about Chanyeol.”

Takeda cleared his throat before speaking, “Of course, we do. I am here to inform you that Park Chanyeol will be staying back in Korea for a little bit more before he returns to Japan. The Japan Go association is sponsoring his Japanese permanent residency because he has recently reached the number of years to apply for the status. It will facilitate him in his career which is focused over there but until then, we need to clear and retrieve his papers from his home country, here in South Korea.”

Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to understand and make sense of what Takeda told him before responding, “Do you mean that Chanyeol will be staying in Japan permanently now especially after he gets the permanent residency status?”

“He has spent almost half his life there now. His livelihood and career are all in Japan. So we thought it would be the best for him.” Takeda replied.

“But did you even tell Chanyeol about this? I know he is like that but does he know? What about his military conscription? I don’t think the South Korean government will allow that until he completes the mandatory service.” Kyungsoo asserted.

“Park is exempted from military service. We had him checked up by the military doctors when we received a letter calling for him to be drafted and they deemed him unfit to serve. There is no problem with that,” Takeda informed. “Rest assured that we have informed Park about this and he is aware of our plans. After all, it would be easier for him, don’t you think, if he resided permanently as a resident in Japan? He has no one left here anyway.”

“No,” Kyungsoo firmly corrected, “He has me.”

 

 


	5. Promulgate

 

Kyungsoo leaned back on the edge of the island counter in the resident doctor’s break room during his one hour break in the middle of the morning shift he was working on, from six in the morning to two in the afternoon.

Kyungsoo’s bushy eyebrows were furrowed as he held his phone in one hand, while the other hand rested on the counter behind him.

Kyungsoo’s eyes were trained on the five-inch smartphone screen but he did look up every now and then to nod and smile at his fellow colleagues who came in and out of the break room, mostly to take their food out of the fridge or to make themselves a drink.

 

The break room also functioned as a pantry for the resident doctors. There was a table to sit and gather around at and a couch to relax on but most of the staff still preferred eating out on the rooftop patio.

The weather was good and warm this time of the year too so everyone wanted to take advantage of that until the cold harsh weather settled in.

 

Kyungsoo, on the other hand, would have done the same and brought his packed lunch out to eat on the rooftop but he was occupied with something else today. Kyungsoo had even forgotten to eat because of that.

At the same time, Chanyeol was currently playing his final match against his opponent from China.

It was barely an hour since the beginning of the match and Kyungsoo had been kept updated about the progress of the match from the Go association’s official website which updates in live and real-time, informing the moves and the amounts of pieces still in play.

So far, everything seemed neck and neck. It was hard to see who had the upper hand in this situation.

 

Kyungsoo wanted to be there to watch Chanyeol’s match but he had to work and at least it wasn’t a double shift with on-call throughout the night.

If the match didn’t end by the afternoon, Kyungsoo could still take off and rush to the convention center where the match was being held, and still possibly make it in time.

 

It was exciting to be rooting for and supporting Chanyeol during his match. Kyungsoo never felt more proud of Chanyeol than he ever had. Even if Chanyeol did not end up winning, Kyungsoo would still have been proud of him nonetheless.

Kyungsoo was full of admiration and adoration towards Chanyeol. There was so much in Chanyeol that Kyungsoo just wanted to protect and treasure.

How he wished to be there to see Chanyeol play against his opponent and then look up to steal a glance at Kyungsoo.

That small gesture made Kyungsoo feel very and much connected to Chanyeol.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo’s break ended and the match was not even a quarter done with. Professional games were noteworthy for taking a long time and Kyungsoo sort of was grateful it was that way because it made him more likely to finish his shift and get there to cheer on Chanyeol.

As much as Kyungsoo wanted to be there at the tournament venue or watch the match updates on his phone, Kyungsoo had his work to return to.

His job was as important too. Kyungsoo saved lives as a profession and he took pride in it too but since Chanyeol reappeared in his life, Kyungsoo was beginning to see that there were more important things in one’s life other than work.

 

Sighing innately, Kyungsoo locked his phone’s screen and stuffed it into one of his lab coat’s pockets before hurriedly making himself a malt drink and gulping it down before returning to work. He was hungry but he’d just have to eat later on, Kyungsoo compromised.

 

 

The remaining three or four hours of work flew by faster than Kyungsoo thought it would. Kyungsoo had always been the type to stay back a bit after work but not since Chanyeol came back it wasn’t.

Kyungsoo quickly punched out his shift, got dressed and speed walked to the subway station to hop on the next coming train to get to the convention center.

During the subway ride, Kyungsoo checked his phone and saw that the match was still underway and about halfway through at that point.

 

Despite all the moves and pieces captured listed on the website, Kyungsoo could barely make any sense of it to determine whether Chanyeol was leaning on the winning or losing side.

Then again, a player could have even been on the winning side but can still choose to lose by seceding. Such an occurrence wasn’t rare in the world of professional Go.

Kyungsoo texted Sehun, whom he knew was at the venue of the match, asking Sehun how Chanyeol’s prospects looked like.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t expect a fast reply but Sehun did text him back almost immediately.

Kyungsoo had put his phone away, back into his pocket and had to lift his lower half slightly off the seats on the subway car to pull his phone out from the pockets of his trousers again.

Kyungsoo chuckled at Sehun’s reply which was basically: “I have no idea. They’re too good.”

That was the Chanyeol that Kyungsoo knew, alright.

 

 

Kyungsoo alighted at his stop once the subway arrived at another station, before rushing to catch another subway on a different line to head to the convention center.

If it wasn’t for Chanyeol, Kyungsoo wouldn’t even bother going this far off from where he lived or the hospital.

Kyungsoo was never fond of the hassle of the public commute but he still preferred it over maintaining his own car, which was why he was almost thirty and had yet to own his first car although he did get a driver’s license in college.

 

In the second subway car of the day, Kyungsoo had to stand up this time because it was more packed and there weren’t any seats left available.

It was a bumpy ride and Kyungsoo had to hold on both hands to the railing, which disabled him from constantly checking his phone to be updated with Chanyeol’s match in real-time.

 

Once he reached the next stop, Kyungsoo quickly walked out and pushed through the crowd to get out of the station and outside on the road to walk just a bit more to get to his destination.

This time, Kyungsoo checked his phone and saw that both Chanyeol and his opponent had chosen to “pass”, meaning they had decided that they could not make any more noteworthy moves and chose to end the game.

The score was still being tallied up and the results of who the winner was had yet to be announced.

 

Kyungsoo thought that he could still make it in time and shifted from walking to sprinting to the convention center.

At least, the two years of military training service came in handy this time because Kyungsoo was running faster than he thought he would even manage.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo arrived at the convention center with sweat forming under his armpits and wetting the dress shirt he was wearing with an obvious damp patch.

Kyungsoo did take a whiff and decided that the stench of his sweat was minimal and non-obtrusive, and chose to push his way to the tournament hall.

No one at the front bothered to ask for his pass either as they were all busy and engrossed in the titular match ending and wanting to know who won.

 

The hall was full of people standing behind the line which separated the spectators from the table in the front where the match was played out.

The crowd of people was all standing up, heads stretched up and facing to the front to see who would be declared the winner.

There were flashes going off and the clicking sounds of cameras from the reporters and journalists covering the event.

Kyungsoo had only seen this sight in the news report of Go tournaments. He had yet to experience it himself and it would be quite a while until he could actually participate in such a tournament.

 

 

Kyungsoo couldn’t push his way to the front because of the people but he managed to come a bit closer and peek through the gap between two people’s shoulders.

Kyungsoo could see Chanyeol standing at the corner with Takeda and a few other people he didn’t recognize. Takeda was talking to the other people while Chanyeol only stood still, holding his own hands together and looking at the floor instead.

 

The crackling of a microphone was heard as a well-dressed man in a suit who appeared to be in his fifties went up to the stage with a paper in his hand, announcing that he would now reveal the score and the winner.

The crowd fell silent and Kyungsoo could hear breaths being held in the moment of silence when the announcer unfolded the paper and began to read out the results.

 

Chanyeol’s name was announced as the winner and Kyungsoo felt utterly happy and proud. Kyungsoo clapped and beamed, smiling, together with the rest of the crowd.

The two people in front of Kyungsoo moved away from in front of him when the results were announced, allowing Kyungsoo to push to the front of the line.

“Chanyeol!” Kyungsoo called out, waving in Chanyeol’s direction.

Chanyeol did not notice or hear Kyungsoo calling out to him. It also seemed that more people had decided to walk up to Chanyeol and shake his hand, bowing and congratulating him.

 

Although Takeda stopped most of them before they got to Chanyeol, there were a few who managed to slip up and approach Chanyeol.

Chanyeol turned his head away to the side from the people who had come up to him and his line of sight just happened to fall to where Kyungsoo was.

Chanyeol’s straight and poker face quickly erupted into one of joy and excitement when he saw Kyungsoo, who was simultaneously calling out at him.

 

Chanyeol excused himself by bowing politely and raising a hand before skipping off to meet Kyungsoo.

Takeda’s head turned and his eyes expressed concern when he saw Chanyeol run away from beside him; but upon seeing that Chanyeol was just going to meet Kyungsoo, Takeda smiled to himself and did not stop Chanyeol.

The people whom Chanyeol left behind were instead entertained to with their questions by Takeda. This was Takeda’s job after all.

 

“Chanyeol, congratulations!” Kyungsoo immediately leaped up, hugging Chanyeol from around the neck.

Chanyeol smiled, catching Kyungsoo and hugging him back, “I did it, Kyungsoo.”

“I’m proud of you,” Kyungsoo jovially added, pulling away from the hug.

“It’s thanks to you that I can win this,” Chanyeol declared.

“No, I did nothing. It’s all you. You’re talented and gifted,” Kyungsoo praised.

“You did, Kyungsoo. I won this for you,” Chanyeol stated, smiling wide. “When I’m with you, I feel like I can do anything.”

Kyungsoo snickered, “You would have done it without me too.”

 

The brief conversation was interrupted when Kyungsoo felt someone tapping on his shoulder from behind and seeing Sehun near them.

“You made it,” Sehun commented.

“Yeah, just in time and right before the results were announced,” Kyungsoo replied.

“It was a tough match. I was sweating inside this air-conditioned place even,” Sehun informed, fanning himself before turning to Chanyeol, “Congratulations, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol bowed his head and muttered a low, “Thank you.”

“So, you still owe me that drink. How about we go after the award ceremony and the speech?” Sehun nudged Kyungsoo with his elbow.

“The usual restaurant?” Kyungsoo asked, confirming the location with Sehun.

“Yeah, the usual.”

Chanyeol heard this and lowered his head to whisper into Kyungsoo’s ears, “Can I come?”

Kyungsoo chuckled, “Of course, you can come with us.”

“He’s welcome anytime too,” Sehun mentioned before waving off, “I have some closing duty to do. I’ll see you at the entrance in an hour, alright?”

“Sure,” Kyungsoo nodded.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo waited on a chair from the spectator’s area as the closing speech was presented by the organizers and presidents of the various Go associations.

The awards and prizes were also handed out soon after the speech. Chanyeol went up to the stage to pick up his trophy and prize winnings check but did not stay to give out his speech. It was Takeda who went up to stage to present the speech on Chanyeol’s behalf.

Hardly anyone was surprised at this because to those familiar with the professional Go scene, Chanyeol was always known with his quiet personality and to not give out interviews or speeches; leaving a proxy to do it for him instead.

 

Most people assumed it was because Chanyeol was a private character and that he didn’t like all the attention. Not many people knew why Chanyeol was actually the way he was; the fact was kept well hidden by those around him.

There was more to Chanyeol than his disability, after all, and the people around him wanted the public to acknowledge his skills for his ability and not just because he happened to have a streak of bad luck to end up where he was at.

 

 

 

When the crowd started to leave, Kyungsoo continued waiting on the chair in the hall which was growing emptier by the minute.

Only the staff and organizers remained, putting things away and cleaning up the hall.

Chanyeol left Takeda’s side to sit down beside Kyungsoo, “Let’s go.” Chanyeol too put down his traveling bag on the floor near his feet.

“Oh? Did you tell Takeda you’re going with me yet?” Kyungsoo inquired.

“I did. I also checked out from the hotel today and I told Takeda that I didn’t want him to book me a hotel for the rest of my stay. Can I sleep at your place tonight?”, Chanyeol requested.

“Of course, you can.” Kyungsoo paused, “Wait, what did Takeda tell you?”

“He told me that you were going to take care of me while I’m here until we can retrieve all my documents and papers so we can file my permanent residency in Japan,” Chanyeol answered.

“So I see he told you about it already,” Kyungsoo arched an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Chanyeol nodded. “He told me that you two had a talk and that he trusts leaving you with me. You know, I trust you too, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo smiled, “Thank you. I’m honored that you do.” Kyungsoo then stood up from the chair, “Let’s go then. Sehun is waiting for us. We’re going drinking, aren’t we?”

“Alright,” Chanyeol too stood up, lifting his bag from the ground and fixing the strap on his shoulder.

 

Chanyeol left with Kyungsoo that afternoon, leaving Takeda to mingle around with the press and the other association members on Chanyeol’s behalf.

 

 

Chanyeol was now officially under Kyungsoo’s care and supervision for the next few weeks, until Chanyeol was set to return to Japan again. Kyungsoo hated to think of it that way but it was for the best and Chanyeol could use some company and assistance to get around in a place where he barely knew anyone anymore.

Kyungsoo and Takeda had talked this through and agreed to it. Kyungsoo would be assisting Chanyeol during his stay in South Korea, not at some temporary assisted from the Go association but as his close friend and companion.

Kyungsoo made sure to stress that fact to Takeda. Kyungsoo trusted that the Go association in Japan was acting on Chanyeol’s best interests; so as a friend and someone close to him, Kyungsoo wanted to do more and better than they had.

Kyungsoo had so much to prove and make up for.

 

 

 

“You are a lucky man. You really are,” Sehun rambled on, already tipsy and swinging the beer can in his hand before pouring it into his glass.

“Hardly,” Kyungsoo corrected, shaking his beer can before pulling the lid opener. Kyungsoo liked it best when the beer was frothing and bubbling up when he pulled it open.

“You went to school with Chanyeol here and you two are even the best of friends. How is that not lucky? You should have asked him to teach you how to play Go!,” Sehun burped, before turning to Chanyeol sitting across from him and beside Kyungsoo, “You know, Kyungsoo sort of sucks in Go. Please teach him.”

Chanyeol only smiled and nodded, holding his glass of soda in his hands.

 

“Here, have some beer. You just won so drink to celebrate,” Sehun urged, sliding an unopened can on the table to Chanyeol’s direction.

“No thanks,” Chanyeol lightly muttered, shaking his head and holding a hand out to refuse.

“You’re abstaining from alcohol?” Sehun giggled.

Chanyeol kept shaking his head to turn down the offer.

“I don’t think he drinks,” Kyungsoo intervened, picking up the beer can instead, “Let me have this then.”

“But you’re not even done with that.” Sehun pointed to the can that Kyungsoo was currently drinking from. “Can you even drink that much and still be able to get home tonight?”

“Then, I’ll just bring it home and put it in my fridge,” Kyungsoo concluded, “We paid for it already anyway.”

 

“Oh well,” Sehun shrugged, before returning to catch Chanyeol’s attention, “Hey, how long are you staying here?”

“A few weeks,” Chanyeol murmured, looking up to face Sehun for a moment. Chanyeol quickly shifted on his seat to move as close as possible to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo noticed Chanyeol doing that but paid it no heed. If it made Chanyeol feel more comfortable, then so be it.

 

“I see,” Sehun sounded excited or he was just very tipsy, “Back to visit your family while you’re here before you go back to Japan?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes grew wide and round in horror when Sehun threw the question. That was one sensitive topic that Kyungsoo didn’t dare to bring up or approach Chanyeol with yet; not until he knew enough at least.

Kyungsoo quickly kicked Sehun’s foot from under the table.

Sehun winced, exclaiming “Ow!”

“Be careful. Don’t run your feet into the edges,” Kyungsoo cautioned, sipping his beer nonchalantly, making Sehun believe that it was the latter’s fault and not Kyungsoo’s.

Sehun blinked and eyed his glass of beer, “I guess I’ve had too much drink tonight.”

“It’s good to stop while you’re still ahead,” Kyungsoo advised.

“I guess that’s true,” Sehun agreed. It was not like he had a drinking problem in the first place to worry about.

 

Chanyeol ended up not having to answer Sehun’s question about his family at all. Kyungsoo was good at averting and changing the topic.

Kyungsoo knew that Chanyeol probably wasn’t ready to deal with it yet and he wouldn’t want to put Chanyeol in such an uncomfortable and confusing situation so soon.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo did feel slightly light-headed and tipsy after four cans of beer. He did not end up bringing home the can given to Chanyeol by Sehun because Kyungsoo had finished it in the restaurant before they left.

It was enough alcohol for Kyungsoo to flush red and make his breath smell of beer for the next hour or so.

Sehun took a taxi home and Kyungsoo waited by the roadside with Chanyeol for the next taxi so they could return to Kyungsoo’s apartment for the night.

 

Standing on the sidewalk, Kyungsoo leaned his head against Chanyeol’s shoulder, feeling drowsy as he hummed the folk tune he used to sing along with Chanyeol.

“Remember to wave a taxi if you see one,” Kyungsoo told Chanyeol.

“Okay,” Chanyeol replied, standing up straight and stiff.

Kyungsoo then began to chuckle, “Slap me if I fall asleep. Your shoulder is so comfortable I think I might actually doze off.”

Chanyeol chuckled too, “Is it?”

“Surprisingly it is. You are the one who usually sleeps on my shoulder,” Kyungsoo laughed, pressing his nose into the fabric of the brown coat that Chanyeol was wearing.

“I have to say that your shoulder is comfortable too then,” Chanyeol informed, smiling down at Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo did not end up falling asleep on the sidewalk and was straight enough to tell the taxi driver his apartment address.

In fact, Kyungsoo actually felt more awake and beginning to sober up in the taxi; well enough to be holding small talk and conversations with the taxi driver who talked about the years he had spent as a driver.

Kyungsoo was getting good at diverting attention to himself and not at Chanyeol instead. The driver did ask about Chanyeol and Kyungsoo easily brushed it off, answering on Chanyeol’s behalf instead before moving the topic away to something else instead.

Chanyeol sat quietly in the back of the taxi with Kyungsoo, fidgeting around with his hands and looking at the upholstery in the cab instead.

Even Chanyeol realized that Kyungsoo didn’t use to be like this. It was usually him who did the talking when they were together; especially when Kyungsoo was feeling uncomfortable to have to talk to someone they did not know well.

 

In high school, Kyungsoo had even joked that Chanyeol was his lawyer who did the talking on his behalf.

Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile at the memory, even having to hide his smile with the back of his hand because he didn’t want to explain to Kyungsoo why he had been smiling to himself in the back of the taxi.

Chanyeol had worried that he couldn’t be that friend like he used to be but seeing Kyungsoo now; Chanyeol too couldn’t help but feel proud for his friend at how much he had grown as a person since then.

To Chanyeol, getting to meet Kyungsoo again after all the years was the best thing to happen to him. Go came at a close second.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo stumbled into the elevator and into the open-air hallway on the seventh floor of the apartment where he lived at, with Chanyeol walking behind and helping Kyungsoo up whenever he lost his footing and was about to trip.

On the elevation, they were on and because of the open-air hallway, the view of the city and surrounding neighborhood below them were in clear view from where they stood.

Chanyeol had drifted off, staring in awe at the view of the night scenery around him. It felt a lot like home again, even if Chanyeol never lived in this area of the city.

 

Kyungsoo laughed, looking back at Chanyeol, “My apartment is the second last one from here. I think you might get there before me.”

Kyungsoo saw that Chanyeol was busy looking off the balcony and had not realized Kyungsoo had been calling out for Chanyeol.

This was a part of Chanyeol’s character, to be easily distracted and being engrossed into whatever had captured his attention, up to the point where everything else that was happening around him became shut off and irrelevant.

It sort of came hand in hand with the condition he had now.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it,” Kyungsoo noted, looking out at the view together with Chanyeol.

Chanyeol stirred, “Uh…yeah, it is. A lot has changed in the years I was gone.”

Kyungsoo patted Chanyeol on the back, reassuringly, “Don’t worry. Even if a lot has changed, I’m still here for you.”

“I am thankful for that,” Chanyeol expressed.

 

Kyungsoo unlocked the front door of his apartment and held it wide open, ushering, “Come in, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol stepped through the doorway and into Kyungsoo’s modest and plain one-bedroom apartment.

Kyungsoo turned on the lights and told Chanyeol where to put his bag down, before showing him the shower and toilet

 

Kyungsoo placed his own bag down on the kitchenette counter before pulling out his phone and replying to texts from Takeda.

Chanyeol stood near the sliding glass doors that led to the balcony, looking out at the moonlit view of the city beneath them from inside the apartment. Kyungsoo had left the curtains on the sliding doors- open.

Chanyeol’s attention diverted from the view outside the apartment to the Go board on Kyungsoo’s coffee table just beside him in the living room.

Chanyeol recognized this Go board as the one he had gifted to Kyungsoo a long time ago before he moved away to Japan. Chanyeol had honestly forgotten about it until now.

There was no mistaking it and Chanyeol surely remembered it all again now that he had gotten to see it again.

 

Kyungsoo quickly moved from the counter to the living room which was all connected in the small apartment.

Kyungsoo handed his phone to Chanyeol, “Takeda wants to talk to you.”

“Oh okay,” Chanyeol murmured, taking Kyungsoo’s phone into his own hands and talking to Takeda.

 

While Chanyeol was on the phone with Takeda, Kyungsoo left to go into his room, leaving Chanyeol alone in the living room.

When the phone call ended, Chanyeol held Kyungsoo’s phone in his hand as he decided to follow Kyungsoo whom he saw entering the room earlier on.

The door was left open and Chanyeol only needed to push it open a bit more before stepping aside to hand Kyungsoo’s phone back.

Kyungsoo was laying out a sleeping mat and some pillows on the empty floor beside his bed when Chanyeol walked in.

Chanyeol handed Kyungsoo’s phone back without saying a word, silent as he usually was.

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo mentioned, taking his phone back and putting on the nightstand beside the bed before pointing to the sleeping mat laid out on the floor, “I’ll sleep on the floor tonight. You can have the bed. It’s a bit past your bedtime so you can use the shower first and go to bed after that.”

Chanyeol’s eyes darted from the sleeping mat on the floor and then to the bed, “But I’m the guest. I should be the one sleeping on the floor.”

“It’s the other way around in my place and when you’re my good friend. I can sleep on the floor for a few nights. It’ll be okay,” Kyungsoo assured.

 

“-but I’m going to be here for a few weeks. Takeda said so,” Chanyeol protested, queasily.

“Don’t worry about it. We won’t be sleeping here after tomorrow since we’ll be going back to our hometown on the weekends to gather your papers.” Kyungsoo reminded. “We might be spending a few nights there too.”

“Oh right,” Chanyeol recalled, “How are your parents by the way? Do you think they’d want to see me?”

“My parents don’t live there anymore. They live two towns over now. I did call my mom last night and told her I met you. She really seemed excited to hear from you. She said she missed the days when you seemed to be sleeping over at our place every day until she forgot that you didn’t actually live with us,” Kyungsoo chuckled.

“Yeah, I remember that,” Chanyeol stated, loosening the tie around the collar of his dress shirt before taking off his coat. “We used to sleep together on the mattress on the floor, didn’t we?”

“Yeah we did,” Kyungsoo leaned back on the wall.

“So if you’re sleeping on the floor, then I’m sleeping with you,” Chanyeol droned on, monotonously.

 

Kyungsoo felt heat flushing up to his face and neck, silently thanking the dim lighting in his room because he didn’t want Chanyeol to see how flushed he had become from just a simple statement.

Sure they always shared the same sleeping place as teenagers but they were two fully-grown adults now and it had also been over a decade since then. Not to mention that in between that time, so much had happened in their respective lives and neither was the same person they used to be.

Innately, Kyungsoo was slapping himself for even being embarrassed at such a thing. They were friends and it was perfectly okay for two friends to share a sleeping place.

Kyungsoo began thinking why and what had even caused him to react in such a way. This was a new and foreign feeling for him.

 

Kyungsoo then chuckled, “Fine, but no one is sleeping on the floor then. We’ll both sleep on the bed.”

Chanyeol smiled from across the room, “Alright.”

 

 

Chanyeol showered first like they had agreed and when he was done, it was Kyungsoo’s turn. Kyungsoo’s shower took a bit longer because he decided to wash his hair that night, having to go out of town the following day and not wanting to travel around with greasy hair.

By the time Kyungsoo was done showering, dried off and had changed into the clothes he put on a chair near the entrance to the shower; Chanyeol was already asleep on his bed with the door to the room still ajar.

Kyungsoo then realized that he really had to sleep in the same bed with Chanyeol and he was wondering why he still felt embarrassed about the whole thing.

It was just two friends sharing a sleeping place. There was no harm in such a thing, Kyungsoo made sure to remind himself.

 

 

After plugging his phone into the charging port near the bedside table, Kyungsoo set his alarm for a bit later than the usual time he woke up at on working days.

Kyungsoo had the weekends off this week and he was going to use it to spend with Chanyeol and help his friend around in whatever they needed to do.

 

Before Kyungsoo climbed into bed, he drew the curtains shut, leaving just an inch or two of a gap to let some light in from outside into the room so it wouldn’t be too dark in there.

The moon was full and bright outside, shining in the right direction too so there was considerable illumination in the room; bright enough to navigate around but not bright enough to disturb one’s sleep either.

It was late June but the temperature was just nice and cool that night so Kyungsoo didn’t have to turn the air-conditioning on. His air-conditioning unit was notorious for being loud and Kyungsoo didn’t want to be disturbed in his sleep by the sounds either.

 

 

Kyungsoo crept into bed into his side of the bed that wasn’t occupied by Chanyeol, trying to move as little as possible so as to not dip the mattress too much and wake Chanyeol up.

Chanyeol had a long day and he deserved the rest, indeed.

Beside Kyungsoo, Chanyeol was asleep on his side, back facing Kyungsoo. It was quiet enough for Kyungsoo to hear Chanyeol’s heavy breathing; the rise and fall of his shoulders and chest let Kyungsoo know that Chanyeol was alright and sound asleep.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo took off his glasses and placed it on the nightstand just beside his phone, before fixing the blankets over himself.

Kyungsoo had taken the spare blanket off from the sleeping mat he laid out and intended to use it, while Chanyeol was hogging most of the blanket that had been laid out on the bed.

Using separate blankets even when sharing the same bed was a good idea.

 

Kyungsoo laid down on his back and closed his eyes, with his arms resting on his stomach, as he tried to sleep. He still felt a bit drowsy from drinking earlier and he was falling asleep faster than usual.

Kyungsoo was just about to fall asleep when he felt the mattress dip significantly and a weight pressing down on his arm and side.

Kyungsoo opened his eyes, groggily, to see that Chanyeol had shifted and moved closer to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol was now resting his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulders, tucking it beneath Kyungsoo’s.

 

Kyungsoo was still contemplating on whether to just go to sleep like that or try to move away without waking Chanyeol up. The former seemed a bit easier to do but probably less comfortable and giving Kyungsoo neck pains the next morning.

Kyungsoo laid his hand that wasn’t being pressed down- onto Chanyeol’s shoulder, opting to instead try to wake Chanyeol up and ask him to move a bit.

 

Chanyeol did wake up easily from having his shoulder lightly shaken by Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol groaned, lifting his head and looking up at Kyungsoo.

“Sorry, but could you move a bit over to the side?” Kyungsoo requested.

Chanyeol lifted himself up so he was sitting up on the bed. Kyungsoo thought he was finally going to move back to his own side but instead, Chanyeol climbed over Kyungsoo until he was straddling Kyungsoo’s thighs.

Kyungsoo was frozen, shocked and confused. He had no idea what and why this was happening.

While on top of Kyungsoo, Chanyeol pulled onto the collar of Kyungsoo’s shirt and despite the illumination of the night sky and artificial lights that came from outside, Kyungsoo was unable to see well without his glasses.

Kyungsoo was also too perplexed to even think of reaching for his glasses on the nightstand so he could see.

 

But Kyungsoo didn’t need to see to feel the wetness dripping onto his cheeks from above. It was tears that were spilling from Chanyeol. Chanyeol was fisting and clenching his collar and also crying.

“Tell me, Kyungsoo, why does it hurt?” Chanyeol sobbed, “People hurt you but I don’t have anyone then why does it still hurt? They’re gone, Kyungsoo. They’re gone. I don’t have anyone.”

Chanyeol released Kyungsoo’s collar from his hold before getting off Kyungsoo and rolling over back to his side of the bed, facing his back to Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t dare to move and it took him a while before he dared himself to look at Chanyeol sleeping beside him.

How much did Chanyeol actually know, was aware of and understood about his condition? Kyungsoo guessed that it was probably way more than anyone, including himself, thought it to be as proven by what had just happened.

It took Kyungsoo a while to go back to sleep after that despite how tired and sleepy he felt earlier on. It really worried him a lot.

 

 


	6. Disquietude

 

When Kyungsoo woke up on that Saturday morning, he awoke to find Chanyeol already awake and the side of his bed left empty.

Kyungsoo quickly got up, snatched his glasses from the nightstand before hastily putting them on and unplugging his phone from the charger; then rushing out the living room and was utterly relieved to see Chanyeol sitting down on the floor in front of the coffee table, cross-legged and studying the Go board Kyungsoo had laid out on the table.

 

 

Kyungsoo had been playing a match against himself for a few weeks now, usually for a few hours on his off days and he still had no idea on how to end the game because he didn’t want either side to lose.

Until either player decided to pass and end the game or one player concedes defeat, a game of Go might go on for a long time.

 

Chanyeol was studying the board and the arrangements of the black and white pieces currently in play.

“You focus too much on beating the white pieces on the lower left side,” Chanyeol noted, pointing to the Go board.

Kyungsoo hummed in thought, folding his arms over his chest as he stood up and observed the Go board he had left in play, “How do you think I can actually finish this?”

Chanyeol chuckled, “First, you have to pick a side which you want to win on. You can play against yourself and see which side wins but it’ll be hard. If you give yourself an advantage on one side, it’ll make things easier for yourself.”

“As said by the professional himself,” Kyungsoo smiled, padding off to the kitchen and asking Chanyeol if he wanted coffee or tea.

Chanyeol just wanted plain water.

 

 

Kyungsoo fried a few eggs and made cup noodles for breakfast; as those were the only things he had in his kitchen. Kyungsoo hardly ever ate at home and his meals mostly consisted of takeaway, deliveries and the hospital cafeteria’s food.

Kyungsoo ate with Chanyeol on the small dining table only enough for three people at most. Kyungsoo’s apartment wasn’t exactly “guest-friendly” and mostly made to suit his own needs.

He hardly, if ever, had people over at his place anyway.

 

Chanyeol was quiet during breakfast and hardly spoke but that was expected of him.

Kyungsoo was actually worried about what happened last night when he was trying to go to sleep. Did Chanyeol even remember what he said or did last night that bothered Kyungsoo?

Kyungsoo knew that Chanyeol wasn’t going to talk about it or even bring the topic up, knowing his condition so it was up to Kyungsoo to bring it up if he ever wanted to discuss it.

But considering the sensitivity of the topic and the emotional turmoil that surrounded it, Kyungsoo felt it was wiser and safe to be quiet for it now.

 

But for how long should he continue to keep silent about it, Kyungsoo wondered?

It seemed like everyone around Chanyeol had been sweeping things under the carpet and ignoring all those questions because it seemed like the best option but was it?

Eventually, it would come back to haunt Chanyeol and maybe it already did.

Kyungsoo believed that for someone who lived in the emotional reticence and silence like Chanyeol, Kyungsoo had to be Chanyeol’s voice that could help him get through all this turmoil.

 

 

After breakfast, Chanyeol helped clear up by wiping the table and putting the chairs away while Kyungsoo washed the dishes.

Kyungsoo did not ask for the help and Chanyeol was the one who insisted he wanted to help.

 

After all that was done, Chanyeol stood in front of his wide open travel bag and stared for a long time at it, looking at his clothes and essentials that had been packed up for him by the assistants at the Japan Go association.

If not for them, Chanyeol would have probably just traveled with only his wallet, passport and the clothes on his back.

Go was the only one thing that Chanyeol could remain fully functional at these days. For almost everything else, he required assistance with.

 

Kyungsoo walked into the room and saw Chanyeol looking over at his travel bag and not knowing what to do.

“You don’t have to bring much. It’s only a few days and we’re going out of town anyway,” Kyungsoo advised, picking out a few shirts and trousers for Chanyeol. “These are good. It’s warm anyway because it’s almost July so you can dress light. You can put the rest away in my drawer so you don’t have to carry around so much. Don’t forget your pajamas, towels, and undergarments.”

“Oh,” Chanyeol gaped before he nodded, “I will do that then.”

“Well then, do you want to shower first? I still have to make some phone calls first,” Kyungsoo suggested.

“Ok, I will,” Chanyeol muttered lowly, agreeing to be the one to shower first.

Kyungsoo made sure to call his colleague, the lab technician from the hospital, whose spare car he was renting for the weekend to drive out of town with.

After confirming the time the car would be delivered in front of his apartment block, Kyungsoo also packed his clothes and things he would need for the weekend away from home and his hometown.

Kyungsoo didn’t question yet whether it sounded like a good idea at the time and if it was alright to be bringing Chanyeol back to a place he hadn’t been to in over a decade, and when things were very different than they were now.

 

 

When they were both ready and packed to go, Kyungsoo double-checked to make sure he didn’t leave anything on and running, besides the fridge.

“We’re not using the train. I mean, we could use it to get there but I would like for us to travel around easier back in our hometown. You know hard it was to even catch a bus there,” Kyungsoo told Chanyeol as they were walking down the apartment’s open-air hallway and headed to the elevator.

“So, how are we getting there?” Chanyeol asked, walking behind Kyungsoo, carrying his bag in front of him.

“I’m driving,” Kyungsoo answered, pressing the elevator buttons and waiting for it to reach their floor.

Chanyeol looked at Kyungsoo confusedly, and Kyungsoo noticed how puzzled Chanyeol looked.

“What? I can drive, you know. I got my license in the army because they made me drive around those jeeps on the base.” Kyungsoo spoke up.

“But you don’t have a car,” Chanyeol commented, stepping into the elevator following behind Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo pressed the button for the ground floor, turning his head to Chanyeol, “It’s too much of a hassle to maintain one. I don’t have time for it but I’m renting a car from my co-worker.”

 

Once the elevator reached the ground floor in the apartment lobby, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo both alighted from the elevator with Chanyeol following from behind, always letting Kyungsoo walk first.

Kyungsoo, then, instructed Chanyeol to wait there in the lobby while he went out the building to talk to his co-worker and take the keys to the car he was renting.

Kyungsoo did this so because he didn’t want to make Chanyeol uncomfortable if his co-worker tried talking to him too even if it was just as a polite and friendly gesture.

Casual conversations with strangers were something that was outside of Chanyeol’s capability for now.

 

 

 

Once the co-worker had departed and Kyungsoo had the keys to the car, Kyungsoo went back to the lobby to get Chanyeol and show him the way to the car.

Kyungsoo took Chanyeol’s bag and placed it on the rear seat together with his own.

Chanyeol tried getting in and sitting behind but Kyungsoo made sure to stop him and ask him to sit in front in the passenger seat beside him.

 

“Alright, I’ll just need to fill up a bit more gas before we can hit the highway. We’ll be there in just a bit over an hour. Do you want to eat something along the way?” Kyungsoo asked warmly, buckling Chanyeol’s seatbelt and putting it in place before doing the same for his side.

“I am a bit hungry,” Chanyeol responded, voice low as usual.

“We’ll stop at a drive through then after the gas station,” Kyungsoo suggested, taking his phone out and putting it on his lap before beginning the drive.

 

 

The drive to their hometown too was quiet as expected. Chanyeol ate the food from the fast food drive through and then fell asleep with his head leaning against the window.

Chanyeol slept for most of the drive and Kyungsoo wondered if it was because he didn’t get enough sleep the prior night, especially after what had happened and that revelation that sunk Kyungsoo’s heart.

Kyungsoo could almost feel Chanyeol’s pain.

 

 

Kyungsoo woke Chanyeol up once he drove past the signboard which displayed a welcome message to the medium-sized town they used to live in.

Chanyeol stirred awake and looked around through the car windows at the rows of shops and the town center that was now unfamiliar and seemed so foreign to him.

“I went here three years ago with my family on a road trip. It has changed a bit since then,” Kyungsoo informed, driving slower so he could properly read the signs and note the landscape.

 

Chanyeol didn’t feel like he knew this place anymore, not even in the slightest bit.

Kyungsoo drove past their high school and excitedly pointed it out to Chanyeol, saying, “Look, the building hasn’t changed since then but I see they made an extension to the building since I last came here. The baseball field still does look bad though even in the summer. I swear the school never takes care of it.”

Then, they drove by the town’s community center where Chanyeol used to play Go at with the older and retired folk. Kyungsoo also made sure to happily point it out to Chanyeol.

“Do you remember that place? We used to go there every day,” Kyungsoo joyfully mentioned.

“Oh, that’s my old home. We sold it about ten years ago!” Kyungsoo eagerly told Chanyeol about.

Chanyeol only nodded, affirming whatever it was Kyungsoo said but not adding anything to the conversation.

 

Chanyeol wanted to know where they were headed to and what their destination was but he was actually afraid of an answer and chose to remain silent instead, especially in a place where he knew no one and anything else anymore.

Kyungsoo continued driving further down the two-lane road, past the shop lots and modern homes. Further down; the road was only with one-lanes on either flow of traffic, there were hardly any more shops in sight and the houses were older and sparsely separated from each other with more rice fields in the view.

Now, this was familiar to Chanyeol. It was slowly coming back to him but before he could even form a sentence and rehearse what he wanted to say to Kyungsoo, the car came to a halt in front of a family-run convenience store just in front of the house of the people who ran it.

 

“I need to ask the people in the store for the directions. I can’t believe I forgot where the guest house is even though my family stayed there the last time we were here. Wait for me, okay?” Kyungsoo exclaimed before taking off his seatbelt and putting his phone down the seat and then exiting the car, leaving Chanyeol alone in the car with the engine still running.

 

 

Chanyeol remembered this store very much. It was where he used to drop by with Kyungsoo every day after school.

Sometimes, the store owner would even give them free dumplings if they dropped by near closing time, usually after spending the entire weekend night fooling away by playing Go and old console games instead of doing homework.

Chanyeol also remembered the few people in this town he actually knew, still. Although he knew no one else anymore, he could never forget these two men who still lived in the same town and Chanyeol wasn’t actually keen on seeing them again.

 

In fact, Chanyeol had been silently worrying and stressing if he should run into them again because he wouldn’t know what to do and say, except cower in fear and possibly make a fool of himself but he felt slightly assured to have Kyungsoo by his side.

Chanyeol looked to his side, at the driver’s seat and saw that it was empty.

Chanyeol was frantic and panicking when he realized that he was there, waiting in the car alone without Kyungsoo.

 

But Kyungsoo arrived just in time, waving off to the store owner and jogging back to the car. If Kyungsoo hadn’t arrived just at the right time he did, Chanyeol would have run out of the car in bewilderment and anxiousness to search for Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo was like his personal clutch that made him feel safe and secure. Maybe, Chanyeol was beginning to depend on Kyungsoo too much.

 

“I got the directions already; it’s just down this road. We’ll be staying at a guest house that opened a few years ago. The owners aren’t from here so they don’t know you so I don’t think they’ll ask you too many questions. Are you okay with that?” Kyungsoo questioned, making sure Chanyeol was comfortable with the arrangements.

Chanyeol nodded, tugging on his seatbelt like a clutch to make himself feel secure and at ease. Chanyeol didn’t want Kyungsoo to know of the slight and sudden panic attack he had to realize that he was alone in such a scary and foreign place.

Because that was what their hometown is now to Chanyeol.

 

 

Kyungsoo continued the drive down the one-lane road, flanked by fields and greenery, before making a turn at a fork into the road to drive up to a rather large wooden house designed in a traditional style with two floors and a wide gated compound inside.

Kyungsoo parked at one of the guest designated spots as specified by a sign near the parking area.

“We’re here,” Kyungsoo announced, unbuckling his seatbelt before helping with Chanyeol’s.

Doing that, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but be reminded of the in-flight safety demonstration video that was aired before every flight and conducted by flight attendants; whereby adults traveling with children were told to put on and unfasten seatbelt for the children.

But Chanyeol was no child, Kyungsoo made sure to stress to remind himself. He was with literally Asia’s best Go player who was unbeatable on the board. There was more to Chanyeol than just his disability and to be sympathized with.

That being the reason why the Go association tried their best to hide Chanyeol’s condition and go out of their way to assist his daily life.

 

 

“I’ll get our bags,” Kyungsoo offered, exiting the car and walking around the car to open the door for Chanyeol.

“Thanks”, Chanyeol muttered under his breath, getting out of the car.

“Be careful not to knock your head,” Kyungsoo warned, seeing how close Chanyeol was to hitting his head on the way out of the car. Kyungsoo had to put a hand on Chanyeol’s head to stop him from knocking it.

“I’m okay,” Chanyeol assured, fixing his white polo shirt.

“That’s good.” Kyungsoo proceeded to take both their bags from the back seat before locking up the car. “Now, we have to register ourselves at the front desk.”

 

Chanyeol followed behind Kyungsoo and stood a few feet behind, looking at the decorations on the wall instead of attracting attention towards himself while Kyungsoo was talking to the receptionist at the front desk to check-in at the guest house.

The guest house was rather new and recently built but designed in a traditional style and layout. All the floors and walls were made of dark colored wood and the entryway; a common feature in Asian homes served as the guest reception and front desk area.

“I have a reservation under Do Kyungsoo for a room with two singles,” Kyungsoo told the young lady wearing pink, who was working behind the front desk with the name tag “Joohee”.

Joohee confirmed Kyungsoo’s reservation, then looking up at Chanyeol standing far behind Kyungsoo and closer to the entrance.

Before she could ask or talk to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo quickly interjected, “He’s my friend who is traveling with me. That’s why I asked for double singles.” Kyungsoo then quickly came up with a lie that technically wasn’t entirely false either, “He grew up in Japan so his Korean is bad. He only understands it but he can’t speak it very well.”

 

That lie did work because it deterred Joohee from trying to talk to Chanyeol but she did smile and bowed courteously to him.

Chanyeol pretended to not see her and look away instead, pretending to be engrossed in the view instead.

 

 

Joohee offered to get someone to bring up their bags and show them to the room but Kyungsoo quickly declined, assuring that he could carry up the bags himself and only asked for directions to their room instead.

Once Joohee had told him to go up to the second floor and turn left until they found the door with their room number plaque on it, Chanyeol quickly followed behind Kyungsoo’s steps, this time walking close.

 

“Are you alright?” Kyungsoo made sure to ask as they walked down the hallway looking for their room number.

“I’m ok,” Chanyeol replied but he wasn’t sure.

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, alright? Don’t be afraid to tell me,” Kyungsoo informed, before going, “Aha!”, when he found the room they would be staying at.

 

 

Kyungsoo unlocked the room and ushered for Chanyeol to enter first before getting in himself and putting their bags away.

The room was small and befitting of the traditional style of the guest house; whereby they had to sleep on futons on the floor instead of on beds. The shower was also small and just enough for one person to be in at a time.

It was rather humid in the room, understandable for the South Korean summer climate but at least there was also an air-conditioning unit in the room.

There was a small television set for entertainment and the room opened up to a balcony with a view of the garden.

 

“Well, it’s small and bit cramped but it’s just for one night,” Kyungsoo dropped the room keys into a basket on the shelf before striding across the room to open the sliding glass doors leading to the balcony, and letting some fresh air in.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Chanyeol asked, looking at Kyungsoo outside on the balcony while he stood by the sliding glass doors as a breeze blew the sheer white curtains that draped over the door to the balcony.

Kyungsoo looked at the time on his phone before stretching his arms above his head from the stiffness of driving, “The town’s council office is still open for another four more hours. I called them earlier and they said they have records of your proof of residency here. That’s all the papers we need for you.”

“Is that all?” Chanyeol inquired, holding the curtains together in his hand so it wouldn’t fly around from being blown by the breeze.

“Yeah, I think so. That’s why I had us stay overnight in case there’s something else we need and don’t have time in one day to get it. You need to go to the town’s council too because you need to be present and sign the papers before they hand it over to you.” Kyungsoo informed Chanyeol beforehand.

“Oh,” Chanyeol trailed off, staring at the wooden floor while his hands still held the curtains in place. “I’m scared to talk to them. Can you do it for me?”

Kyungsoo answered, “I wish I could tell them what I told the girl downstairs; about you not being able to speak Korean but the people who work at the town council still do remember you, Chanyeol. In fact, when I called them to tell them about needing your papers, they were excited about seeing you again so I don’t think my bluff isn’t going to work.”

“Okay then,” Chanyeol hung his head low, looking quite troubled and worried, “I’m not sure if I can do it though but will you come with me?”

“Of course. I’m not leaving you behind,” Kyungsoo affirmed, patting Chanyeol on the shoulder.

“Yeah, I wish you never have to leave me too,” Chanyeol smiled softly, partially hiding his face behind the curtain.

“In an ideal world, we’d always be together,” Kyungsoo theorized, smiling too in return.

 

 

Deciding to take care of their business for being back at their hometown that day, Kyungsoo drove himself and Chanyeol back to the town center and to the town council’s office which was open also on Saturdays.

Chanyeol was hesitant about entering the small one-story office building and insisted to Kyungsoo that he waited outside until it was only necessary for him to come in.

Kyungsoo was worried about the afternoon heat and Chanyeol staying under the sun for too long if he left Chanyeol outside.

Acting for in the best interests for Chanyeol and not because he wanted to put his best friend an uncomfortable position, Kyungsoo had to drag Chanyeol into the air-conditioned building.

Kyungsoo did most of the talking and held Chanyeol’s hand under the table where they were seated in front of, while the middle-aged lady who had been working there for twenty years now seemed excited and talked a lot to the both of them.

Kyungsoo mimicked what he learned from watching Takeda; Kyungsoo quickly answered questions on Chanyeol’s behalf and made sure to divert the attention towards himself instead.

 

Chanyeol avoided eye-contact as much as possible, choosing to look at the table or on the floor or at the wall behind whoever was talking to him like he was told to do to make his condition less obvious.

When Chanyeol had to talk, it was merely simple “yes” or “no” and he imagined that he was replying to Kyungsoo instead.

Chanyeol squeezed Kyungsoo’s hand hard under the table because it made him feel more comfortable and at ease. It did help him with the jittering and obvious trembling he felt when he was in these kinds of situations.

Chanyeol was lucky that Kyungsoo had grown up into a good talker who could carry almost any conversation easily.

That certainly relieved him and Chanyeol always had the best PR from the Go association to follow him around anyway.

But it would be tons and leaps better if Kyungsoo was the one by his side, and not someone that was just assigned to him to make sure he abided and fell within the associations’ guidelines and standards.

 

Chanyeol certainly didn’t think that the people at the Go association were taking advantage of him but he always felt distant and too “professional” with them. They took care of him and did things for him that he couldn’t otherwise do for himself; but they were strict, abided the time and rules too much with no room for leisure and made sure everything went perfectly.

Maybe perhaps too perfect even.

Chanyeol preferred someone whom he could be close to, someone who was much more lenient, someone he could laugh along with and someone not too caught up with the professionalism of Go.

And that perfect person was Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol hated how his time with Kyungsoo was so limited. Why couldn’t it be like back in high school when they were together most of the time, practically stuck together at the hip.

 

 

Chanyeol signed the papers for his proof of residency in the town before it was officially handed it to him. Chanyeol bowed and left without saying anything else, while Kyungsoo made sure to do the talking for both of them even if it meant he had to talk twice as much.

Even before they reached the car parked outside the council office, Chanyeol had handed Kyungsoo the manila folder holding the documents.

“I can hold it for you but remember to take it back with you or else I might forget to give it back to you and you might be back in Japan by then,” Kyungsoo cautioned, casually.

“Sure,” Chanyeol softly murmured, watching Kyungsoo’s hands brush against his as Kyungsoo reached out to take the folder from his hands.

Despite the light mood, Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel the heavyset atmosphere around him like an ominous dread that was following him everywhere he went.

Chanyeol was dreadful of having to be apart from Kyungsoo again because he knew he had to when the time came for him to return to Japan.

 

It was not that Chanyeol hated being in Japan. He had built his entire adult life around his Go career based in Japan and he honestly couldn’t see himself doing anything else but Go, and he was fine with that.

But living there was like a monochrome canvas or a flavorless dish that always felt like it lacked something.

Only now, Chanyeol realized that splash of color or the taste he needed in his life was Kyungsoo. Chanyeol was reluctant to leave now. There was one thing he had left here for him and that was Kyungsoo.

 

 

 

Before returning to the guest house, Kyungsoo stopped by a restaurant whose owner still remembered Kyungsoo from years back.

When asked, Kyungsoo revealed that he was there with a friend but did not specify that the friend was Chanyeol, who happened to be waiting in the car as they spoke.

The restaurant owner, the old Mr. Jang, still remembered Chanyeol and knew that he had become a professional Go player. Mr. Jang was also well aware of the car accident that killed Chanyeol’s mother and sister, as Chanyeol’s late mother happened to be good friends with Mr. Jang.

Nonetheless, the topic would be a hard one and Mr. Jang would be bound to bring it up to Chanyeol who was obviously uncomfortable and confused about it.

To avoid this unpleasant situation, Kyungsoo had personally called up the lady working at the council office and request that she not bring up the passing of Chanyeol’s family, but for how long could he hide and shelter Chanyeol from it?

 

So, Kyungsoo only bought takeaway for two from the restaurant so they could it back at the guest house and eat there.

 

 

 

Back at the guest house, the pair ate the takeaway and spent the rest of the afternoon watching television and reading the books and magazines left in the room for the guests to read.

“We should have brought your Go board,” Chanyeol bemoaned, bored, in the rare instance that he was expressive and saying how he felt.

“Yeah, why didn’t I think of that? Sehun would have killed to be with you for an entire day. I can just imagine him pestering to ask you to teach him Go strategies,” Kyungsoo mentioned, leaning his head against his palm on his arm perched on the coffee table, as he sat on the floor.

“Let’s walk down to the store and go to that old observation tower on the hill,” Chanyeol suggested, sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table in the middle of their room.

“You mean that tower on the hill in front of the rice fields?” Kyungsoo asked, “What do you want to get at the store?”

“Do they still sell the meat dumplings?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo replied, “I saw it on sale on still when I walked in to ask for directions earlier on.

“Let’s go then?”

“Sure,” Kyungsoo easily grabbed, standing up from the table and grabbing his wallet and phone.

 

 

Chanyeol changed from his white polo shirt to a black hoodie before they left, walking down the small road flanked by rice fields and greenery on either side.

It was around six in the evening when they went out and it was still bright outside in the summer around that time. The sun was lower in the sky and it wasn’t too hot or scorching to go outside unlike earlier on in the afternoon.

It was just the perfect time to go for a walk but judging on how humid it was still at this time, they were in for a hot and humid night too which might be uncomfortable and unfavorable to fall sleep in.

 

 

When they lived here, they didn’t come down this road often except when classes ended late and they were hungry so they decided to grab food from the store before going home.

Chanyeol actually lived in the next town but his family went to school and worked here. So, Chanyeol had to take the train to school and Kyungsoo didn’t have to, but they would always walk back from school together and parted at the train station.

That being one of the reasons why Chanyeol liked staying over at Kyungsoo's house instead because it was closer to school and so he could hang out with Kyungsoo and his family who were very open and nice to him.

 

 

Chanyeol pulled up the hood on his black hoodie and waited outside the store, trying to be as discreet and going unnoticed as much as he could.

A few children passing by the road on their bicycles did give Chanyeol a few weird stares because try as he could, being over 6 feet tall in a medium-sized town certainly did make him stand out more than usual.

God forbid if anyone who followed Go news found him there because Chanyeol could not deal with that not by himself.

 

Fortunately, Kyungsoo did not take very long and Chanyeol hadn’t gotten too uncomfortable with waiting outside alone although he was close to that.

“They still have your favorite meat filling,” Kyungsoo was pleased to announce, dangling the plastic bag with the piping hot dumpling in front of Chanyeol.

“Thanks,” Chanyeol’s lips formed a thin smile as he took the plastic bag from Kyungsoo.

 

 

Kyungsoo ate from his own plastic bag, eating the shrimp dumplings he liked better as they walked down the road and made a turn onto a short stone road to reach the hill overlooking the rice fields.

The climb up the hill was aided with steps that had been built into the side of the hill. The hill was more wide than high.

On top of the short hill, a concrete observation tower was constructed for leisure purposes. It couldn’t hold many people anyway in it at the same time, probably a group of four or five due to space constraints.

From the top of the tower which was about equal to that of a three-story building, one could mostly see only rice fields, forested area, and a few houses. The commercial town center was further and unobservable from the tower so there wasn’t much to climb it for even for a tourist.

No one who lived there knew why it was built anyway. To them, it was like it had always been there.

 

 

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol rarely came up to the observation tower even when they lived there and probably only have ever climbed it once before that, and that was also probably as some inquisitive kids before they even met each other in high school.

The tower was as they both remembered it to be; old but still sturdy.

Chanyeol was silent as he placed his hands on the guard railings on the observation deck, looking out at the rather plain but lush scenery.

Kyungsoo took a few pictures of the scenery with his phone from different angles before suggesting something to Chanyeol.

 

 

“Do you remember that the seniors in high school used to come up here and shout their wishes from here because it was believed that yelling out your wish from a high place was like a way for it to come true?” Kyungsoo tried to remind Chanyeol.

“I remember that,” Chanyeol recalled, “I never tried it though because I moved away in the second year of high school and it was more like a senior tradition. How about you?”

“I didn’t do it either even when I was a senior here. Some of my classmates did it though, mostly shouting that they hoped their crush returned their feelings or for them to ace their exams,” Kyungsoo informed.

“Let me guess. You were too busy studying to have crushes and you believed in studying hard more than just shouting it out to get good grades,” Chanyeol hinted, with an added and rare moment of snark.

“You nailed it there,” Kyungsoo admitted with a grin. “So, do you want to try it now? Since the both of us never got to do it.”

“I don’t think I can do it. You go first,” Chanyeol encouraged.

“Alright then,” Kyungsoo took a deep breath before yelling at the top of his voice out from the edge of the observation deck, “Chanyeol! I want you to be happy always!”

 

“You wasted that one on me,” Chanyeol lightly chuckled.

“Well, I just want something for you. I couldn’t think of anything for myself, to be honest,” Kyungsoo confessed. “It’s your turn now.”

Chanyeol shook his head, tugging on the hem of his hoodie, “I don’t think I can do it.”

“No problem. I can do it for you then. What is it do you want for me to shout out?”, Kyungsoo joyously offered.

Chanyeol leaned in to whisper near Kyungsoo’s ear, telling Kyungsoo what it is he wanted to say.

Kyungsoo heard it then turned his head to look up at Chanyeol, smiling, “That would be great, wouldn’t it but sure let me do it for you.”

 

Kyungsoo cleared his throat and yelled again this time, “I wish we didn’t have to be apart!”

 

 

 

On the way down from the observation deck, a few children around elementary school age were at the bottom of the tower on the top of the hill, waiting to go up.

They surely heard Kyungsoo yelling and although it was a common tradition in that area, it was peculiar to see grown adults doing it.

Kyungsoo had to leave awkwardly together with Chanyeol, but they later ended up laughing about it further down the road on the way back to the guest house.

 

 

At the entryway lobby of the guest house, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were treated by Joohee who bowed and welcome them in.

Chanyeol froze when he saw and recognized the man sitting on the chairs in the lobby and reception area.

Kyungsoo had seen the man sitting there but he had paid the man no heed because Kyungsoo did not know who it was.

 

The man, who looked to be closer to that of Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s age, immediately rose from his seat and approached Chanyeol.

He greeted and stretched an arm towards Chanyeol; but Chanyeol only moved backward and away from the man, hiding behind Kyungsoo, pressing his forehead to the back of Kyungsoo’s head.

 

“Chanyeol, are you alright?” Kyungsoo was concerned for Chanyeol.

“Chanyeol, it’s me. Do you remember me?” The man gestured to Chanyeol.

“I’m sorry but it seems like he’s uncomfortable,” Kyungsoo held a hand out between himself and the man to stop him from approaching Chanyeol, who was glued to his back.

“It’s me. I’m Kim Junmyeon. I was married to Chanyeol’s sister.” The man who introduced himself as Junmyeon introduced. “I heard Chanyeol was in town so I came here to visit. I haven’t seen him in years since the-.”

Kyungsoo immediately leaped forward and covered Junmyeon’s mouth, “No. Don’t say that.” Kyungsoo cautioned.

 

 


	7. Sanguineness

 

“Uh…okay?” Junmyeon stood, confused at Kyungsoo abruptly jumping on him and not allowing him to speak. “-and you are?” Junmyeon arched an eyebrow as he posed the question to Kyungsoo while glancing up at Chanyeol very visibly hiding behind Kyungsoo.

“Do Kyungsoo. I went to high school with Chanyeol. I used to live here too but my family moved out about ten years ago.” Kyungsoo replied, picking up Junmyeon’s hand to shake it, even without Junmyeon offering it to him first.

“I see,” Junmyeon acknowledged before staring at Chanyeol who was lowering his head to hide behind the shorter Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo saw Junmyeon looking at them, questionable. Kyungsoo understood that questions were bound to arise when people saw Chanyeol in the state he was, especially if they were used to his old cheerful and boisterous personality.

“I’ll talk to you in a bit. Can you wait here,” Kyungsoo told Junmyeon before grabbing Chanyeol’s hand and leading him up the stairs up to the second floor to where their rooms were.

 

 

Kyungsoo unlocked the room and hurriedly told Chanyeol to get in, following behind Chanyeol before locking the door and setting the chain lock in place.

Kyungsoo handed Chanyeol the key to the room and placed it in Chanyeol’s larger hand, closing Chanyeol’s fingers around the key in his palm.

“I’m going downstairs now to talk to Junmyeon. Can you wait for me here? I won’t be long, I promise. I will be back.” Kyungsoo told Chanyeol, rubbing the side of Chanyeol’s arm reassuringly.

“Wait,” Chanyeol halted, grabbing back onto Kyungsoo’s arms and looking worried.

“What’s wrong?” Kyungsoo questioned, looking up into Chanyeol’s dark brown eyes. “Is there something wrong?”

 

Chanyeol was silent as he scrambled for an answer, darting from looking at the floor to the wall behind Kyungsoo to Kyungsoo’s face himself. Chanyeol did not actually have an exact and clear reason to why he didn’t want Kyungsoo to go down to talk to Junmyeon.

Chanyeol just felt restless and uncomfortable but there was no reason to not let Kyungsoo either. Then, Chanyeol realized that he maybe was just anxious at the thought of being left alone without anyone to pay attention to him.

Knowing that was no good excuse either, Chanyeol shook his head and looked away, releasing his hands from Kyungsoo’s arm.

“Nothing,” Chanyeol brushed it off, “I’ll wait for you here. Go talk to him.”

“Okay then. Lock the door if that makes you feel safe. I will be back,” Kyungsoo smiled before leaving and reminding Chanyeol to lock the door one more time.

Chanyeol did as he was told; promptly locking the door and setting the chain lock back in place when Kyungsoo left.

Chanyeol then scurried to the end of the room and locked the sliding glass doors leading out the balcony too, pulling the curtains to cover the glass doors.

Chanyeol sat on the cushions on the floor, near the coffee table and stared at the wall clock on the opposite wall as he waited for Kyungsoo to return.

 

 

Kyungsoo went down to the stairs back to the first floor of the lodging house where he saw Junmyeon waiting on one of the chairs in the guest reception area while reading a newspaper.

Junmyeon saw Kyungsoo coming from the corner of his eye and promptly folded the newspaper, putting it neatly back on the shelf holding the reading material.

 

“Hi there,” Kyungsoo greeted first, consciously reminding himself to not slip his hands into the pockets of his trousers which he often did as a habit, especially while at work but with the pockets of his lab coat.

“Hello. Do Kyungsoo was it?” Junmyeon stood up from his seat to also greet Kyungsoo. “You know, I think I know you. Your father is the Mr. Do who used to work as the manager of the power plant in this town if I recall correctly?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo affirmed. “That is him but he is retired now and my mother was a nurse at the old folk’s home before we moved away.”

“My family runs the car dealership in this town. I think you are familiar with us too,” Junmyeon informed, before inviting Kyungsoo to sit on the seat across from him.

 

Kyungsoo accepted the offer, straightening his shirt before sitting down on the chair opposite from Junmyeon.

Junmyeon too sat back down.

“I think I am,” Kyungsoo pondered, “I know of the shop your family owns but I’m not familiar with any of you, I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright. It’s not a big town anyway so we’re bound to at least know of each other,” Junmyeon added.

“I didn’t know you were married to Chanyeol’s sister though,” Kyungsoo jumped straight to the topic of why he was talking to Junmyeon for but also managed to be tactful, “I heard of her passing. I am sorry for your loss.”

Junmyeon smiled thinly, looking quite melancholic as he replied, “Thank you. It wasn’t easy but I’m moving on and continuing on with my life.”

“It has been five years since then, hasn’t it?” Kyungsoo asked, cautious to not incite any painful memories. “I haven’t actually asked Chanyeol about it because it looked like he still isn’t dealing with it very well.”

“It has,” Junmyeon nodded, affirming, “She and her mother were visiting Chanyeol in Japan when the three of them were involved in a car accident. Their car ran over a cliff and only Chanyeol survived. I knew something was wrong with Chanyeol then because he was screaming at us to not cremate them at their funeral. He said they were still alive and something like that. We thought he was still in shock and denial but it didn’t turn out to be the case,” Junmyeon revealed, looking behind Kyungsoo to see if there was anyone overhearing their conversation because it wasn’t just something that could be easily spoken about.

“I see,” Kyungsoo nodded, “So you are aware of his condition?”

“A little bit,” Junmyeon answered, “I tried to work with Chanyeol’s estranged father to bring him back to Korea after the accident so he could stay with us here but he refused and the Go association backed Chanyeol up to let him stay in Japan.”

“Go is important to him, after all. I can imagine,” Kyungsoo slightly shifted in his seat.

“No. Chanyeol didn’t stay just for Go,” Junmyeon informed.

 

Kyungsoo was alerted by the new information he had just heard and grown more attentive to the conversation even if he wasn’t already, “What do you mean?”

“My wife and her mother were cremated in Japan and the ashes were split up. We scattered some of the ashes here in their hometown and the rest in the sea in Japan, where they died. Chanyeol didn’t want to leave Japan because he said it was because they were there. I don’t know what he means by that but I think it has something to do with that,” Junmyeon replied.

“You know-“Kyungsoo clicked his tongue, before continuing, “I am not actually sure myself about Chanyeol’s real condition but it does seem like he constantly slips in between being aware of their deaths and not being aware of it. I just can’t tell and I’m too afraid to confront him and ask about it.”

“That’s understandable,” Junmyeon responded, leaning an arm against the armrest of the chair he was sitting on. “It would be hard to get him to even answer because the doctors said something about selective muteness and he doesn’t talk to everyone.”

“I was surprised he wanted to talk to me too, to be honest. I ran into him by accident when he was in Seoul for his tournament,” Kyungsoo admitted.

“I’d say you are a very special person to him then if he trusts you that much,” Junmyeon pointed out, staring straight ahead at Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo flustered, “You give me too much credit. Chanyeol and I were close in high school but we lost contact after that. I’m just trying to help him now.”

 

 

 

After a bit of persuasion and encouragement, Kyungsoo managed to get Chanyeol to go down to meet Junmyeon.

Chanyeol had his head lowered the entire time, refusing to take his hoodie off and clung to Kyungsoo’s arm like a latch.

Junmyeon talked and asked questions while Chanyeol answered it through Kyungsoo, whispering his response to Kyungsoo would reply on his behalf to Junmyeon.

Junmyeon was visibly very happy and pleased to see Chanyeol again. Kyungsoo could see the genuine joy and relief in Junmyeon’s eyes and it occurred to Kyungsoo that Junmyeon really cared about Chanyeol.

Junmyeon seemed like a very nice person too and he was gentle in the way he talked, being thoughtful to treat Chanyeol like a normal person and not bring up the sensitive and heavy topics.

 

 

Junmyeon invited Chanyeol and Kyungsoo out for dinner that night since they would already be leaving the next morning.

Kyungsoo was the one who tried to turn Junmyeon’s offer down but it was Chanyeol who made Kyungsoo accept the offer.

For Chanyeol’s sake, Kyungsoo accepted the offer. Kyungsoo was actually a bit happy to see that Chanyeol was responsive to nice gestures from other people even if he needed an intermediary to accept those offers.

 

Chanyeol was quiet still during the dinner and talked to others through Kyungsoo but there was a smile on his face and he looked happy for once.

Seeing that, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but just want to desire and protect Chanyeol. Kyungsoo knew he could not shelter Chanyeol forever from the hurt because Chanyeol had to learn how to deal with it eventually but it would have to come one small step at a time.

It sounded like a lot of work already but Kyungsoo became a doctor to help people, even if what Chanyeol had was a bit outside of his skills and specialty.

Now, Kyungsoo would be damned if he wasn’t able to at least try and help Chanyeol, his best friend and the person whom he believed had shaped and influenced him into the adult he was now.

 

 

Junmyeon dropped Kyungsoo and Chanyeol off back at the guest house before bidding their goodbyes, Chanyeol doing it silently of course.

Junmyeon exchanged phone numbers with Kyungsoo before they returned to the guest house and back into their room.

 

 

Kyungsoo set aside the bag with bottles of soju down on the table; a gift from Junmyeon who boasted that they should at least bring back the town’s special brewery products home with them as a souvenir.

Chanyeol had also got one as a gift from Junmyeon.

Kyungsoo was only a social drinker and if he was invited to do so by others, so he had not much use for it. Kyungsoo decided to give it to his parents since he was going to visit them tomorrow, anyway.

Kyungsoo was sure that his parents would at least enjoy it, especially one that came from their hometown.

 

“I have to use the toilet. Excuse me,” Kyungsoo grabbed his phone and dashed off to the toilet, feeling the call of nature. Kyungsoo knew that he was one to take long toilet breaks and brought his phone along with him like almost every adult in the current age did.

Kyungsoo laughed at random posts on his social media feed and even came across a news article covering Chanyeol’s recent victory at the Go tournament.

Kyungsoo was about to yell out for Chanyeol to show off the article on his phone, only to realize that he was in the middle of his business and should probably just wait until after he was done to do it.

 

 

Kyungsoo took the opportunity to call his mother and confirm to her that he would be visiting the next day with Chanyeol. Kyungsoo had informed his parents about it yesterday and they were more than ecstatic to see Chanyeol again.

Kyungsoo had pouted while over the phone and teased his parents about being more excited to see Chanyeol and not him.

Kyungsoo’s father later reasoned it was because they got to see Kyungsoo every month and every holiday but it had been over a decade since they last saw Chanyeol. That was fair enough and Kyungsoo shrugged it off.

Kyungsoo also made sure to inform his parents beforehand about the change in Chanyeol and how Chanyeol was not exactly the same man he was from years ago. Important details such as the car accident and the passing of Chanyeol’s mother and sister were also not left out, especially concerning the important fact and condition whereby Chanyeol might not want or be able to talk to them at all.

Despite hearing that, Kyungsoo’s parents were still more than welcome and excited to see Chanyeol again.

 

 

Kyungsoo left the toilet after putting his phone aside and washing his hands, drying them off with some papers towels that he later flushed down in the toilet bowl.

Kyungsoo stepped back into the room from the toilet and saw Chanyeol sitting on the small stepping ledge that separated the balcony from the room area.

The sliding glass doors were left wide open and the curtains pushed aside to reveal the clear night sky outside, partially illuminated by the stars and artificial lighting on the streets outside.

 

Chanyeol was sitting with his back turned towards Kyungsoo, looking up at the sky above him. Chanyeol was quiet, as was his nature and Kyungsoo didn’t feel like disturbing him. But Kyungsoo didn’t want to ignore or leave Chanyeol to wallow in his silence alone either.

Kyungsoo plopped himself down on the empty space on the small ledge near Chanyeol, even if sitting there proved to be a tight squeeze.

 

Chanyeol acknowledged Kyungsoo’s presence, nodding at him before lifting his bottle of soju and pressing it to his mouth, taking a sip down before setting it aside on the floor of the balcony again.

Kyungsoo’s eyes followed Chanyeol’s movements and he finally spoke up when Chanyeol had put the green glass bottle aside, “I didn’t know you drink?”

Chanyeol shrugged his shoulders, staring straight ahead at the view of the yard and garden outside of the guest house, “Occasionally.”

 

Kyungsoo peered over Chanyeol to look at the soju bottle and saw that it was already halfway finished. In fact, now that Kyungsoo noticed it, Chanyeol was starting to sweat and smell like alcohol too.

“Sorry, I just asked because you didn’t want to drink when Sehun offered it to you when we had dinner together. I just assumed you didn’t drink at all,” Kyungsoo speculated.

Chanyeol lightly chuckled, hiding his mouth behind the back of his hand, “Of course you wouldn’t know about my drinking habits because the last time we were around each other this much, we were basically still kids.”

“I guess so since so much time has passed since then,” Kyungsoo snickered, sitting with his knees raised and wrapping his arms around his legs as he rocked back and forth on the cool concrete floor, which served a nice temperature contrast compared to the humidity that night.

“What did you and Junmyeon talk about earlier on downstairs?” Chanyeol asked, still looking ahead out of the balcony through the gaps in the railings.

 

Kyungsoo was caught off guard by the question and he wouldn’t be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit clueless at how to proceed from thereon.

Before Kyungsoo could come up with an answer, Chanyeol already spoke up first, “He talked about me, didn’t he? I mean, what else would you two talk about if it wasn’t about me? I am the only thing you have in common.”

“Yeah” Kyungsoo admitted, “It was about you.”

Chanyeol sighed lightly, “Is he still trying to convince to make me stay here in Korea?”

Kyungsoo shook his head, “No. He talked about that but he didn’t’ seem like that was his motive. He just told me to take care of you.”

Chanyeol sat back, leaning himself on his hands, “You know, I’d like to stay here so I can be with you but I have to return to Japan too eventually. My life is there now.”

“I understand that,” Kyungsoo chimed in, “I wish I could follow you back to Japan too but my life is here too now.”

Chanyeol laughed, “Being an adult sucks, isn’t it? Why can’t we be fifteen and in high school again?”

“I wish we could too,” Kyungsoo agreed, chuckling lightly together with Chanyeol.

 

Kyungsoo was pleased to see Chanyeol chatty and talkative for a change of pace, even being the first one to bring up a topic so they could talk about it.

Otherwise, Chanyeol only talked or replied back- if he did, when it was someone else who initiated a conversation.

Kyungsoo attributed it to the alcohol and because Chanyeol was feeling buzzed as the reason to why he was being extra talkative that night for once.

Chanyeol did finish an entire regular sized bottle that night, which was probably not enough for someone his size and weight to be shitfaced drunk but enough to make him seem very excited and spirited.

 

Not that Kyungsoo was condoning excessive and regular drinking but it did seem to help Chanyeol a bit in letting his guard down to actually open up and talk about what mattered, which was masked and hidden behind the person that Chanyeol was today.

For once in a long time, Kyungsoo almost felt like he had the old Chanyeol back even if for a short while.

Minus the fact that they were two grown adults, Kyungsoo actually felt like they were fifteen and back in high school again when they used to spend the humid summer nights together under the window with the full view of the night sky.

 

Chanyeol swung an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder to pull him into a side hug while they were sitting on the ledge between the balcony and the room still.

Chanyeol was smiling wide, as he turned his face to the side to look at Kyungsoo until their eyes met under the lighting of the room and the faint lights outside.

Kyungsoo had to playfully turn Chanyeol’s chin away, commenting that he smelled of alcohol. By then, Chanyeol had downed the entire bottle.

Chanyeol removed the hand from around Kyungsoo’s shoulder so he could move it back between their bodies. Chanyeol wrapped his hand around Kyungsoo’s, intertwining their fingers together.

 

Holding hands was a normal thing between them but Kyungsoo couldn’t help to feel and notice how small his hands looked within Chanyeol’s now.

Chanyeol had always been larger than him but Kyungsoo didn’t remember it to be by this much.

The gap between them only served to remind Kyungsoo how so much time had passed since they were last together and Kyungsoo felt the melancholy spreading to him too. He had wasted so much time and now that he was with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo only felt bad for all that lost time.

 

“Arirang, arirang, arirayo,” Chanyeol began singing softly near Kyungsoo’s ear. “Do you remember the song?”

“I do,” Kyungsoo quietly whispered back, looking down at their hands in each other's before he continued the song, singing, “-you are going over Arirang hill.”

Kyungsoo dreaded the next verse but Chanyeol sang his turn, “My love, you are leaving me.”

 

 

Kyungsoo had to fight back his tears when it was his turn to sing, going back and forth until the song was completed.

It was the folk song they always sang which was said to originate in the province they came from. It was popular and almost, if not all, Korean people learned of it in school or from their older relatives. Even people from other countries knew of and recognized the song.

It was something so common but only now; Kyungsoo felt the true meaning of something he never paid much thought to.

 

In the end, Kyungsoo laughed, “Which version of Arirang was that anyway?”

“I don’t know, to be honest,” Chanyeol admitted, laughing too.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo later had to persuade Chanyeol to shower to get rid of the smell of alcohol, even pushing a reluctant Chanyeol into the shower.

“Come shower with me. You’ve seen me naked anyway,” Chanyeol joked, at the height of his tipsiness.

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and shut the door to the shower, locking Chanyeol in there until he washed off.

 

Kyungsoo did laugh about it to himself later on even if he knew he would mourn tonight very much. The Chanyeol who would wake up the next morning wouldn’t probably be like this.

Kyungsoo wondered to himself if it was selfish of him to want the old Chanyeol back.

 

 

Kyungsoo thought he would have slept easily later that night because of the long day he had but he was mistaken.

While Chanyeol slept soundly on the futon beside him; Kyungsoo lay awake on top of the bed sheets, unable to sleep, with the blankets thrown aside because of the heat even with the air-conditioning turned on.

Chanyeol seemed to have fallen asleep easily though and Kyungsoo was glad that Chanyeol was sleeping soundly, without a repeat of what happened the previous night happening.

 

Thinking that a shower would help calm his nerves and cool off his body a bit, Kyungsoo got up to shower with the door left unlocked.

Kyungsoo had just finished stripping himself of his clothing and was about to step into the cool stream of the shower when the door was swung open and Chanyeol stepped in, yawning and sporting a bed head.

Chanyeol sleepily grunted a greeting, nodding his head slightly at a bewildered Kyungsoo, before pulling down his boxers to his ankles and lifting the toilet seat up so he could take a leak.

 

Kyungsoo sighed, “Whatever,” before just going ahead and showering with Chanyeol in the same space with him.

Chanyeol wasn’t even bothered the least bit either nor was he aware of boundaries, yawning a “good night” after wiping off and putting the toilet seat down again.

Chanyeol went back to sleep and Kyungsoo knew it would take him some more time until he got used to that.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo checked the both of them out from the guest house the next morning after they had breakfast, which consisted of cup noodles and bottled water.

Before they left the town, Kyungsoo stopped to refill the car at the gas station and asked if Chanyeol wanted to get anything before they left and went back to the city where Kyungsoo’s parents now lived at.

Chanyeol, back to his usual quiet self, shook his head and muttered a low “no”.

 

Chanyeol did not sleep in the car this time and the roads leading back to the city were packed with cars compared to when they had left, causing their travel time to take slightly longer than before.

Heavy traffic leading back to Seoul was a normal thing on Sundays and on the last day of the holidays.

 

Chanyeol was quiet during the drive and spent most of the time looking out the window, staring blankly.

Kyungsoo didn’t have much to talk about either and he was getting slightly irritated at the traffic so there wasn’t anything to talk about unless he wanted to complain and whine about the traffic.

 

But despite the silence between them, it wasn’t awkward or out of place the least bit.

Chanyeol liked that he could be just sitting around in quiet with Kyungsoo without the pressure to keep a conversation going. This was just one of the many reasons why Chanyeol really liked and enjoyed Kyungsoo’s company so much.

While attempting to switch gears without looking down at the stick, Kyungsoo accidentally grabbed Chanyeol’s thigh instead.

Kyungsoo was jolted and surprised when his hand hit what felt to be a leg instead of the gear stick.

“Sorry. I’m not used to this car’s setting,” Kyungsoo apologized, quickly changing the gear.

Chanyeol chuckled lightly, leaning his head against the mirror, “It’s okay. I have long legs and I was spreading them too much.” Chanyeol instantly closed his legs together close to each other.

 

Kyungsoo was slightly embarrassed about it so he did not bring it up but from the corner of his eye, he could see Chanyeol trying to hide his face as he laughed about it.

 

 

 

 

After almost two hours in a drive which would have taken just a bit over an hour if not for the traffic, Kyungsoo finally pulled up in the driveway of his parent’s house; a modest house with two floors and three bedrooms in a housing area in a residential district a bit away from the metropolitan center of Seoul.

Kyungsoo parked the car and got out of the car where his mother was seen opening the door and waving to him.

Kyungsoo waved back to her as he helped take his and Chanyeol’s bags out from the rear seat of the rented car.

 

Chanyeol asked to carry his own bag and walked behind Kyungsoo, where they were greeted by Kyungsoo’s mother at the door.

“Come in,” Kyungsoo’s mother ushered, her usual cheerful and warm self.

Kyungsoo bowed and was the first to step inside the house after taking off his shoes and picking them up.

Chanyeol followed from behind and bowed to Kyungsoo’s mother when he arrived at the door.

“You’ve grown so much,” Kyungsoo’s mother beamed, ruffling the top of Chanyeol’s head when he bent over to bow at her. “I am so happy to see you, Chanyeol. Come in.”

Chanyeol nodded, smiling thinly but avoiding eye contact as he too stepped into the house.

 

 

Chanyeol took one look around the house which he wasn’t familiar with at all. Kyungsoo’s house was like his second house then, back when Kyungsoo still lived in that town but this house was unfamiliar to Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo was talking to his mother while Chanyeol stood rooted in the living room, observing the interior and the layout of the house he felt rather strange in; despite knowing the people in it, even though the interior was basic and normal. Nothing stood out too much and it was rather typical.

 

Chanyeol only stirred from his semi-trance when he heard Kyungsoo call out for him.

Kyungsoo whistled as he stood at the bottom rung of the staircase, “Chanyeol, up here.”

Chanyeol quickly nodded and tightened the grip on his suitcase as he followed Kyungsoo who led him up the stairs.

 

“My brother is out of town for work. He still lives with my parents but he won’t be home until next week. I’ll be using his room so you can use the spare room,” Kyungsoo mentioned.

Kyungsoo showed Chanyeol to the spare room, painted in a light yellow color and with the basic amenities such as a desk, closet, and a mirror. The queen-sized bed in the room was covered with plaid pattern bed sheets that still smelled like fabric softener; having just been cleaned and freshly laid out when Kyungsoo’s mother heard that Chanyeol was staying over.

“Will you be okay?” Kyungsoo asked, making sure.

Chanyeol nodded, softly replying, “Yeah.”

“Okay then,” Kyungsoo smiled, “I’ll be in the next room if you need anything.”

 

 

Kyungsoo’s father came home not long later with the groceries he was sent out to buy by Kyungsoo’s mother.

Kyungsoo helped his mother prepare the lunch in the kitchen while Chanyeol sat in the living room teaching Kyungsoo’s about professional Go strategies and tactics.

Kyungsoo’s father had always been a fan of Go, even though he only played casually and in friendly matches against the people at work.

Kyungsoo’s parents had been told and informed of Chanyeol’s condition and they sounded a bit sad over the phone when Kyungsoo had told them about it. They too sympathized with Chanyeol’s situation and were devastated to hear the news at first.

But nonetheless, they were accepting and still happy to see Chanyeol again even if they had to be sensitive and a bit different from him this time.

 

 

Chanyeol was comfortable enough to be around Kyungsoo’s parents alone even without Kyungsoo by his side. Chanyeol was quiet and passive around them, however. He would only talk when asked a question he couldn’t reply with a head shake or nod.

When teaching Kyungsoo’s father about Go, Chanyeol did speak even though his sentences were short and he would not maintain eye-contact while talking.

Kyungsoo occasionally popped his head from the kitchen to check up on Chanyeol in the living room, and he was pleased to see that Chanyeol was doing well in Chanyeol standards.

 

 

After lunch, Chanyeol helped clear up the dishes and table when Kyungsoo’s father burped loudly and asked Kyungsoo to run an errand for him.

“Kyungsoo, could you go to the store and get me a pack of cigarettes?” Kyungsoo’s father requested

“Dad,” Kyungsoo whined, “Didn’t I tell you to quit smoking?”

“Oh come on, I only smoke one pack a month. I’m working towards quitting but using the reduction method my doctor told me to,” Kyungsoo’s father tried to justify.

“I am a doctor too and I think you should stop smoking,” Kyungsoo addressed.

“Come on, Kyungsoo. Please?” Kyungsoo’s father pleaded, rubbing his protruding belly.

“I can go then,” Chanyeol politely interjected, offering to help.

 

Chanyeol spoke quite low and if everyone there hadn’t stopped talking for a moment when he did, Chanyeol would have gone unheard over the chatter.

“Good,” Kyungsoo’s father beamed, pulling out some money from his pocket to hand to Chanyeol.

“Dad!” Kyungsoo exclaimed, “Chanyeol doesn’t know where the store is around the area.”

“Then you go with him so you can show Chanyeol the way. You two can keep the change,” Kyungsoo’s father tried to persuade.

 

Like he was a fifteen year-old again, Kyungsoo fell for the bait and gave in to his father’s request. Although this time, his main reason for doing so was not extra pocket money but so Chanyeol wouldn’t get lost down to the store.

Chanyeol had already offered to go, which Kyungsoo saw as a bold move and he didn’t want to stop Chanyeol from doing that now.

Now, Kyungsoo only wanted to encourage, support and make sure Chanyeol was alright when taking that step forward in being comfortable in unfamiliar surroundings.

 

 

Since the store was not far away and easier to access through the paths behind the houses, instead of walking on the side of the main roads, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol went there by foot.

While walking the way back on the small path between the houses; the duo passed by the small bridge over a small stream that ran behind some houses, which was actually a large drain converted to look more natural.

 

A shady tree grew on the side of the bridge; its leaves and branches stretching out and providing cover on the bridge on the side it was on.

In the height of summer, the tree was lush and green. The last time Kyungsoo visited his parents in the winter, the tree was bare and frozen.

 

While passing under the tree, Kyungsoo felt Chanyeol pull on his hand and telling him to stop.

 

“What is it?” Kyungsoo turned around to ask, facing and looking up at Chanyeol.

Chanyeol opened his mouth to speak but was unable to form the sentence as he held onto Kyungsoo’s hand, looking rather distraught.

“Are you alright?” Kyungsoo asked, concerned.

Chanyeol nodded, “Yes. I-“

“It’s okay if you can’t say it now. Anytime is fine. Don’t force yourself,” Kyungsoo assured, smiling back.

 

A cool summer breeze blew through from behind Kyungsoo and in front of Chanyeol, ruffling their hairs and blowing their clothes as they stood under the swaying and rustling tree branches.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol pushed himself to say, “Will you come back to Japan with me?”

Kyungsoo tilted his head slightly, checking to see if he heard it right but there was no doubt about what Chanyeol had just told him.

 

* * *

 

Arirang, Arirang, Arariyo,

You are going over Arirang hill.

My love, you are leaving me,

Your feet will be sore before you go ten _li._

Just as there are many stars in the clear sky,

There are also many dreams in our heart.

There, over there, that mountain is Baekdu Mountain,

Where, even in the middle of winter days, flowers bloom.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arirang is a Korean folk song and is the song Chanyeol and Kyungsoo used to sing a lot. Above are the English translation lyrics for the song. There are many versions but I chose the "standard" version.


	8. Contentment

 

Early on a Monday morning in July; so as to make sure he wouldn’t be caught up with the rush-hour crowd, Kyungsoo arrived in front of the district’s office for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs together with a folder containing all the documents he would need.

Kyungsoo had spent the weekend prior to today, preparing all the documents such as his ID, birth certificate and filling out the form so he could process his passport application today.

 

Kyungsoo had to go in to work this afternoon and decided to get everything done in the morning so he could still make it in time for his shift a bit later on.

 

 

Kyungsoo stepped through the sliding glass doors of the large government office building and registered his name and ID at the front counter before he was given a number and told to wait for his turn.

Kyungsoo chose a seat in the row of chairs set out for people to wait at, in front of the numerous counters where various other people were getting their matters done such as applying or renewing for their passports.

 

Kyungsoo was dressed smartly in a black suit and tie because his picture would be taken later on for the passport application.

In his bag, he did keep a spare change of lighter and more casual clothes. It would get hotter in the afternoon and the July heat was extra humid and not to be taken lightly.

Furthermore, Kyungsoo didn’t want to be rushing to and fro around the hospital later on with his suit and tie underneath his laboratory coat.  Kyungsoo had learned better from his internship days experience when a patient threw up over an expensive shirt he was wearing under the laboratory coat.

 

 

In all of Kyungsoo’s twenty-nine years of life, he had yet to travel outside his home country of South Korea and he had never aspired to do so either.

Kyungsoo wasn’t a travel bug and he never felt that wanderlust people often talked about when desiring to travel and leave the home.

Kyungsoo was a fan of the comfort of routine and familiarity, so traveling was not something he even considered about; except to visit his parents who lived just about forty minutes away and still technically in the same city with him.

 

Growing up, Kyungsoo’s family was rather frugal too and they only took vacations to the village to visit relatives around the holidays. Sometimes, Kyungsoo’s parents would bring him and his brother to the beach and that was it.

The furthest Kyungsoo ever been to was to Jeju Island on a middle school trip, and that was because the school had already paid for his fare and made it compulsory for all the students to go on the trip.

 

 

Because of that, Kyungsoo never thought that he’d actually be one day making his passport so he could travel to another country.

Not until two weeks ago when Chanyeol suddenly asked Kyungsoo to follow him back to Japan.

Kyungsoo was caught off guard and out of the blue by the question because he had not been expecting it at all.

 

Chanyeol popped the question on a Sunday afternoon and his flight back to Japan was already set to leave on Monday evening, the next day.

Kyungsoo knew that Chanyeol had to return to Japan eventually and that the one week he had with Chanyeol would surely come to an end sooner or later.

Kyungsoo wasn’t actually looking forward to being away from Chanyeol again but he knew that was rational because they were both now adults with different lives, responsibilities, and careers of their own.

 

 

 

It was only two Sundays ago that Chanyeol was holding Kyungsoo’s hand on the windy bridge under the swaying tree, asking Kyungsoo to come to Japan with him.

“-but I have to work,” Kyungsoo replied, that being the first thing on his mind when Chanyeol posed the question.

Chanyeol paused in thought, noticeably breathing heavily before he continued, “One month. You can take a month of unpaid leave, can you? Then will you come to Japan with me?”

“I can do that but I have to think about that first. There’s a lot for me to do if I want to do that. I need to apply for the leave, book tickets, get accommodations and I don’t even have a passport so I have to take care of that too,” Kyungsoo flustered, feeling quite agitated at the thought of having so much to do until then.

“I’ll pay you to be with me. Just let me know how much all of that costs and I’ll take care of it,” Chanyeol offered, holding on tighter to Kyungsoo’s hands.

“No, I can’t do that, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo tried to refuse, “I said I’ll think about it but if I do, I’ll do it out of my own accord. I don’t want to impose on you.”

“Please,” Chanyeol pleaded, “Let me help you too. Since I am the one asking you to be with me, then at least let me take care of the costs. I earn a lot of money when I win Go tournaments so you don’t have to worry about that.”

At that moment, Kyungsoo very much realized that he too wanted to be with Chanyeol and began to chuckle out of being embarrassed at the thought, “You really can talk when it comes to Go and what you really want, don’t you?”

Chanyeol nodded with a smile on his face, cheeks red under the heat and hair blown around by the breeze.

 

 

 

Chanyeol left for Japan the next day but as promised, Kyungsoo would be making the arrangements to visit him in Japan very soon.

Chanyeol did not own a phone but he did have a computer back in his home in Japan which he used to email Kyungsoo back and forth to make the arrangements for Kyungsoo’s visit.

This time, Kyungsoo made sure that despite how busy or stressed he was, he would always try to remember and reply to Chanyeol’s emails.

Kyungsoo still felt somewhat guilty for how they had fallen out of contact and he was slowly making up for all the lost years in all the ways he could.

 

 

Kyungsoo’s first step was to apply for his passport which was why he found himself in the government office doing things he never imagined he would in almost the thirty years he had been alive.

Kyungsoo heard his number being called out by the automatic system and quickly rushed up to the counter to present his documents and had his picture taken.

 

Kyungsoo spent an hour there so the workers at the passport office could take information such as his thumbprint and measure his height and weight for the passport.

In the end, Kyungsoo was given a slip of paper and told to come back to pick his passport in two weeks time.

 

 

Before Kyungsoo’s shift started that afternoon, he made sure to reply to Chanyeol’s email and inform the latter about his passport currently in processing.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, was preparing for the Japan’s National Go tournament and was currently in the middle of playing preliminary matches so he could advance to the final stages.

There were several matches Chanyeol had to play until then but he was already expected to surely reach the final match.

But even then, it was pretty even chances on whether he would win or lose the title match.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo stood in front of the staff roster board with his hands on his hips under the white laboratory coat he was wearing.

Sehun sneaked up from behind, his usual pair of sneakers making squeaking noises on the linoleum floor.

 

“What are you looking at?” Sehun asked, looking at the board from over Kyungsoo’s shoulders.

“I’m waiting to see if my leave has been approved or not,” Kyungsoo replied, placing a hand on his neck.

“You applied for an unpaid month off, didn’t you? You’re going to Japan to visit Chanyeol,” Sehun whistled, “-what a lucky man. Are you going to ask him to teach you how to play Go while you are there? You don’t even show up to the Go federation’s meeting here.”

“I’ve been busy,” Kyungsoo lowered his hand to scratch on his nose.

“Go has never been your thing, hasn’t it? I can tell,” Sehun added.

“Truthfully, yes. I only got into Go for Chanyeol and I did try out of my own accord but I can’t even get past amateur level even at my age,” Kyungsoo admitted, “It’s just not for me.”

“I wish I was a professional Go player instead of becoming a nurse,” Sehun chuckled to himself, “So did your leave get approved?”

Kyungsoo turned back to the board and grinned to Sehun before pointing to his name on the board on the staff leave category, “It sure did. I got the entire month of August off.”

Sehun scowled, playfully, “Can’t I sneak in your luggage so you can bring me to Japan too? I could use a holiday.”

“Well, I got something for you I think you can do,” Kyungsoo continued smiling at Sehun.

“What is it?” Sehun asked, curious to know.

“I can let you stay in my apartment for a month for free as long as you agree to house sit for me,” Kyungsoo suggested.

Sehun hummed, “Hmm…I’ll think about that. I have wanted to get out from uncle’s place for a while now too. I like him but I do want to be alone occasionally too.”

“Well then, take your time to think about it,” Kyungsoo waved off, going back to work at the section of the hospital he was tasked with for the day.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo later informed Chanyeol that he had managed to get the leave and told Chanyeol of the dates when he would be off.

Two evenings later, Kyungsoo found an attachment together with the email that Chanyeol had sent him.

In the attachment was the electronic ticket for Kyungsoo’s flight to Japan which was set for three weeks from then, on the first day of the one month leave that Kyungsoo had managed to get.

Kyungsoo had wanted to buy his own ticket but Chanyeol had adamantly offered to pay for it. With some help from someone at the Go association to book the ticket, Chanyeol bought and paid for Kyungsoo’s travel.

The accommodation was also taken care of when Chanyeol offered to let Kyungsoo stay in his house.

 

 

Kyungsoo never felt more excited when he printed out the ticket from the email and held the piece of paper in his hands, noticing that he was slightly trembling out of joy.

Kyungsoo was even happier when he went to pick his passport up a week later, even though his picture on the passport came out a bit less satisfactory than what he had expected. Kyungsoo frowned in one photo and he hoped so hard the passport staff wouldn’t be using that picture but they did anyway.

 

Kyungsoo never thought he would actually be happy at things like these. He always saw and relied on his happiness being in concepts; such as getting good grades, good peer reviews or excellent tests scores and not in other people.

Kyungsoo believed that he himself was responsible for his own happiness and not anyone else. Due to that way of thinking, Kyungsoo found himself pretty much a loner as an adult because he had isolated pretty much everyone else over the years.

But upon realizing that, Kyungsoo did make sure to fix and make up for whatever he had lost over the years.

Helping Chanyeol and reconnecting with his old friend was part of that.

 

Never did Kyungsoo thought that getting to spend time with someone he had forgotten about for a decade and only met again until recently would bring him joy, excitement and something to look forward to.

Although Kyungsoo still firmly believed that finding his happiness was his responsibility alone, he did begin to think that maybe happiness could also be found in other people.

 

 

 

There was a lot to do indeed on top of working long hours; but the thought of getting to spend at least a month with the person he wanted to be with and getting the long holiday he never got, was rewarding enough for Kyungsoo as he slowly counted the days until he got to meet Chanyeol again.

The week before Kyungsoo’s flight, he made sure to make sure that everything was prepared and ready for his departure.

Kyungsoo made sure his rent and utility bills were paid in advance, and that everything in his apartment was up and running for Sehun who would be staying over for the month.

 

Kyungsoo had informed his family earlier on about his trip so they would know the details of his trip, and Kyungsoo had even called to tell Junmyeon about meeting Chanyeol in Japan.

 

 

 

Everything was set and Kyungsoo took a bus to the airport early in the morning on the first day of his month-long leave.

Kyungsoo hardly ever traveled and had initially packed too much because he was afraid of not having enough clothes during the stay. The last time Kyungsoo actually had to travel was when he was in the military and had been posted to another base away after finishing from training camp.

In the end, Kyungsoo ended up putting back half the clothes he had intended to bring along with him and traveled rather light instead.

 

Kyungsoo could say that he finally checked off a thing that he has done in his life, which was to travel abroad even if it was just to a neighboring country one sea away.

And he was excited about it.

 

 

 

After a short flight of just a bit over two hours, Kyungsoo landed in Japan and made his way past immigration to get his brand-new passport checked before claiming his luggage and exiting the arrival hall where Chanyeol was waving at him from the crowd with a baseball team cap in his hand.

It was easy to spot Chanyeol because of his height and in high school, Kyungsoo had once joked about Chanyeol being like a lamp post that was easy to spot from afar.

 

Kyungsoo waved back, pulling his luggage behind him and approached Chanyeol. Now up close, Kyungsoo spotted the shorter Takeda standing beside Chanyeol with arms folded over his chest.

Chanyeol was dressed rather casually but Takeda was wearing the stiff suit and tie he always seemed to be wearing. On the contrary, Chanyeol looked rather happy and Takeda was stern as usual.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol squealed, excited and quickly pulling Kyungsoo into a hug.

Kyungsoo did not see the sudden hug coming and chuckled at being surprised by it, “Hi there, Chanyeol.”

“Welcome to Japan,” Takeda greeted, monotonously.

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo replied back to Takeda, squished under Chanyeol’s strong hug.

 

Chanyeol patted Kyungsoo’s back, running his fingers up and down Kyungsoo’s spine during the hug.

Kyungsoo didn’t expect Chanyeol to be that touchy either and he felt tingles running up his body when he felt the brush and weight of Chanyeol’s hand and fingers on his back.

“I’m happy to see you,” Chanyeol declared.

“I happy to see you too,” Kyungsoo replied, hugging Chanyeol back.

“I’m so glad that you’re here now,” Chanyeol expressed, smiling as he broke away from the hug.

 

Kyungsoo could only smile back at Chanyeol, feeling rather warm and fuzzy because of his feelings and not because of the humid summer heat.

This was what happiness probably felt like too, Kyungsoo began to think.

 

 

Chanyeol helped carry Kyungsoo’s luggage and stuff into the trunk of a parked silver-colored sedan car that belonged to Takeda, parked somewhere outside the airport.

Chanyeol did not own a car nor did he drive, so he had enlisted Takeda’s help to pick Kyungsoo up from the airport because it was quite far away from where he lived.

Furthermore, Kyungsoo did not know his way around Japan and Chanyeol did not want Kyungsoo to end up lost in a foreign country where he didn’t speak the language either.

 

Kyungsoo sat in the rear seat of the car and Chanyeol chose to join him in the back seat, although he often sat in front with Takeda.

“Where are we off to?” Takeda asked, starting up the car’s engine, “Do you want to take Kyungsoo anywhere?”

“You can send us back to my home straight away,” Chanyeol replied, fixing the baseball cap back onto his head, “Since you’re busy today, I can just show Kyungsoo around where I live. We can go sightseeing tomorrow.” Chanyeol then turned to Kyungsoo, asking, “Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah, it’s alright. I’m not in a rush anyway,” Kyungsoo affirmed, putting his seat belt on and then doing the same for Chanyeol sitting beside him.

“Okay then,” Takeda muttered, pulling out from the parking lot, “We’ll send the both of you home then.”

 

 

Sightseeing and a holiday abroad wasn’t Kyungsoo’s concern or his main priority for coming to Japan. It was just icing on top of the cake; where the cake just happened to be Chanyeol himself.

Kyungsoo was here for Chanyeol and he certainly didn’t look forward to the one month ending, despite fully knowing well enough that it too like all things would come eventually.

 

 

During the drive back to Chanyeol’s residence, Kyungsoo was busy looking out the car window at the view of the new place he was in.

It wasn’t much different than in South Korea, except that houses and buildings seemed to be closer to each other with smaller gaps in between and he had no idea how to read the writing on all the signs and billboards.

 

Kyungsoo was rather enthralled at the destination he had recently arrived at when he realized that the car had been maybe too quiet.

“So…uh, where do you live?” Kyungsoo quickly asked, hoping he could break the silence when surrounded by two men; one who was quiet by nature and the other not by choice.

“Oh, Takeda lives in a condominium in the-“Chanyeol answered but was cut off by Takeda in the driver’s seat.

“He’s asking about you,” Takeda pointed out, speaking in Japanese and glaring at Chanyeol from the rearview mirror.

 

Kyungsoo only nodded, pressing his lips together because he had no idea what was being conversed between Chanyeol and Takeda.

“I live in the Chiyoda ward in Tokyo because it’s where the Go association’s headquarters is too. There’s a lot of tourist areas there where you can go to. I’ll show you around,” Chanyeol happily mentioned.

“I see,” Kyungsoo nodded in understanding, “Thank you.”

“I hope you’ll like it here,” Chanyeol sounded excited and eager, being genuinely happy down inside.

 

Being with Kyungsoo was already good enough but getting to show Kyungsoo the place he lived in and sharing with Kyungsoo a brief glimpse of his life was the best part for Chanyeol. 

If it was possible, Chanyeol never wanted these halcyon days to end.

 

 

 

After an hour and a half of driving from the airport, Takeda stopped the car in front of a tall wooden gate surrounded by high concrete walls that Kyungsoo couldn’t see through at what was behind the walls and gates.

It was safe to assume that there was likely a house, building or any sort of property behind these walls.

 

Takeda cleared his throat and as if it was a cue to do something, Chanyeol pulled out a small remote from the back pocket of his jeans and clicked a button on it, pointing it at the gate in front of the car.

“Thank you,” Takeda softly muttered, driving through the gates that slowly opened.

 

Takeda drove up the driveway, revealing the large compound and house behind the walls and gates.

The front yard was wide and expansive, filled with neatly-trimmed trees and green grass. To top it off, Kyungsoo spotted the pond and a small bridge over it in the yard.

The house itself was a large two-story residence in a traditional Japanese style and looked to be rather different compared to the houses that Kyungsoo had seen in the area when during the drive.

 

When the car stopped at the porch in front of the exquisite home, Takeda exited the car to help get Kyungsoo’s luggage out from the trunk of the car.

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol followed shortly after where Chanyeol offered to take Kyungsoo’s bags and spoke about something to Takeda in Japanese, which Kyungsoo couldn’t quite follow up with.

 

“I hope you enjoy your stay in Japan. You still have my number and contact so if there’s anything you need help with, please don’t hesitate to ask,” Takeda bowed his head and excused himself, driving off in his car.

Chanyeol pulled out a ring of keys from his pocket and unlocked the front door, sliding the doors open to reveal an entryway probably as large as Kyungsoo’s entire living room in his apartment.

In the entryway was a wooden bench beside the shoe racks and on the wall, hung a rather traditional and large painting of lotuses.

 

“You weren’t joking about having a lot of money, weren’t you?” Kyungsoo snickered.

Chanyeol was sliding the doors back in place and locking it up from inside when he turned around to face Kyungsoo and took the baseball cap off his head.

“I got this house from my Go master. He was the one I went to Japan to train under,” Chanyeol explained, holding onto Kyungsoo’s shoulder for balance as he stood on one foot to take off his sneakers.

“Oh,” Kyungsoo gaped, mouth forming the expression.

“Come, let me show you to your room,” Chanyeol helped picked up Kyungsoo’s luggage bag and pulled it behind him, leading the way.

Kyungsoo hurriedly and quickly took off his shoes and socks, stuffing it into the shoe rack.

 

Kyungsoo followed Chanyeol around the first floor of the house which was very traditional in fashion.

The floors in the rooms on the first floor were made of the famed woven rice straw mats or more known as tatami, while the walls and partitions between spaces were the sliding papers doors that could be removed to make more room and were also a fixture in traditional Korean houses.

“So, where is this master of yours now?” Kyungsoo asked as Chanyeol was showing him through the house.

“He passed away from colon cancer over a year ago but I have already been living here alone before that, because he decided to live in another town with his wife when he retired from playing Go,” Chanyeol answered.

“I see, so he left this house to you?” Kyungsoo inquired.

“He had no children and his wife didn’t want to live here either. I’ve been living here since I was sixteen anyway, so it was decided that I would inherit this house,” Chanyeol explained.

 

 

Chanyeol led Kyungsoo up the stairs to the second floor of the house where it looked more contemporary and modern compared to the first floor of the house.

Here, the floors were made of hardwood and there were actual walls made of concrete with sturdy swinging wooden doors that were fixed into the frame.

 

Chanyeol opened the door to a room and showed Kyungsoo inside to a room that was easily twice or thrice larger than his own back in Seoul.

It seemed that every room in the house came attached with a personal bathroom so sharing was unnecessary in such a place.

Even the bed was a four-poster one and Kyungsoo had never even seen one outside of furniture showrooms and movies.

The floor in the room was carpeted and it felt nice to the touch when Kyungsoo walked over it with his bare feet.

 

“If you don’t want to sleep here, let me know. There are other rooms or you can sleep with me if you want,” Chanyeol suggested.

Kyungsoo’s eyes grew wide at the suggestion, knowing clearly that Chanyeol was dead serious and not joking with that offer.

Although Kyungsoo had no problems sharing a sleeping space or even a bed with Chanyeol since they had already done that during Chanyeol’s visit in Seoul over a month ago anyway; Kyungsoo was actually embarrassed at accepting such an offer.

In fact, thinking about it at that moment was enough to give Kyungsoo some second-hand embarrassment and he flustered, trying to brush it off, “It’s okay. I’ll be here for a while anyway and I haven’t even slept here yet so if I don’t like it, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay then,” Chanyeol grinned warmly, “We’ll go out to get something to eat in a bit. I know a place just around here so just let me know when you’re done unpacking. Let me know if you need any help too.”

 

 

Not wanting to impose on Chanyeol any further, Kyungsoo told Chanyeol that he could unpack by himself without any help.

Chanyeol left Kyungsoo alone in the room after that; leaving Kyungsoo to unpack his clothes and set out the items he would need during his stay.

Sometime during unpacking and arranging his stuff around the room, Kyungsoo found himself looking out the window where he could see the view of the pond, garden, and yard from above.

 

Chanyeol was outside there, appearing to be feeding the koi fishes in the pond before disappearing from Kyungsoo’s view, presumably returning back inside the house.

The house was so large and so wide but Kyungsoo couldn’t help to feel that it was so empty and sorrowful with Chanyeol’s silent anguish.

If Kyungsoo were to go by what Chanyeol had just said; Chanyeol had been living here alone for a while now and it was very obvious that due to Chanyeol’s condition, he would barely have any friends or people coming over to visit him.

 

But that was what Kyungsoo was there for anyway.

Instead of beating himself up for feeling guilty and bad about cutting off contact with Chanyeol, Kyungsoo was taking steps to fixing to help Chanyeol as much as he could and at the same time probably to find his own happiness, which he thought to lie somewhere in Chanyeol.

It was amazing what emotions could do to someone at times.

 

 

Once Kyungsoo was done unpacking, he found Chanyeol roaming around the same floor to tell the latter that he was ready to go out.

With a boisterous expression, Chanyeol excused himself to get his wallet.

 

On the way out of the house, Chanyeol reached for an umbrella in the holder at the entryway before they left, saying that he was going to bring it in case it rained.

Kyungsoo didn’t think that it was going to rain though.

Chanyeol pointed out the way to Kyungsoo as they walked on the side path beside the road, down to the restaurant about less than minutes by foot from the house.

 

 

Kyungsoo noticed how Chanyeol was significantly more comfortable here and assertive than he was back in Seoul over a month ago.

Here, Chanyeol was actually the one to talk first and suggest things without having to be asked for his opinion first.

While Kyungsoo had been the one to hold Chanyeol’s hand and lead him around the place while in their home country, it was a bit of the other way around here.

 

Chanyeol held the umbrella in one hand and with the other, he held Kyungsoo’s as he led the way for the both of them down the sidewalk, heading out of the residential area and into the commercial area where taller buildings and shops became more prevalent in sight.

As they were passing by a small narrow house in between two shop buildings, Chanyeol suddenly stepped out from his path and moved Kyungsoo out of the way to walk on the side near the road instead, while Chanyeol himself was walking on the side with the house.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t question why this was until a rather large and fierce looking black dog came running from the house’s yard and tried to climb over the fence but was unable to do so because the dog was leashed.

The dog still attempted to bark and growl at them even behind the fence and leashed.

 

“They didn’t use to leash the dog until the neighbors complained,” Chanyeol informed, chuckling lightly at the recollection, “I learned the hard way when they first got the dog a few years ago.”

Chanyeol turned around and looked over his shoulder to find Kyungsoo clinging to the back of Chanyeol’s shirt, fisting his hand in the fabric as if he was holding onto it like his dear life.

Kyungsoo was startled by the dog and knew now why Chanyeol had put him out of the way. Kyungsoo was so jumped by the incident that he already had one foot on the road, off the sidewalk to run away, only to find out that the dog was leashed and could not reach to them.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol concernedly asked.

“Yeah, I’m alright. Let’s just go,” Kyungsoo urged, pulling onto Chanyeol’s shirt, wanting to get away from the growling dog as soon as possible.

 

 

 

It didn’t take much more walking until they arrived at the restaurant on the first floor of a shop building, not very far from the house with the fierce dog either.

Kyungsoo noticed how much quieter and reserved Chanyeol became, now around more and other people.

But it also did seem that Chanyeol was used to this kind of lifestyle and he had somehow adjusted himself to living with his condition; noticeably more comfortable here than in Seoul.

 

Chanyeol read out the menu and translated it for Kyungsoo, explaining what the various dishes were so Kyungsoo could decide what he wanted to eat there.

Kyungsoo also found out why Chanyeol said he ate here very often too. It wasn’t because of the close distance to Chanyeol’s house but also because Chanyeol didn’t have to talk to people to make his order.

In the restaurant, Chanyeol only needed to write the order down on a piece of paper and handed it to a waiter who would take care of it, even if he hung his head low and could not look at the restaurant staff in the eye when he did so.

The staff still did smile and bowed to him, however, being used to Chanyeol and his character.

 

 

After the meal and just as they were about to leave the restaurant, it coincidentally began raining.

Seeing that, Chanyeol pulled out the umbrella he had brought along from the umbrella holder near the restaurant’s entrance.

“How did you know it was going to rain?” Kyungsoo pondered, asking Chanyeol as they stood near the doors of the restaurant, ready to leave.

“I’ve lived here for fourteen years. Summer is typhoon season and this is nothing yet,” Chanyeol replied, opening his umbrella outside the door of the restaurant and standing under it with an arm stretched to Kyungsoo, “Let’s go.”

 

 

The umbrella was large but probably not large enough for two. Not wanting to feel like he was troubling Chanyeol; Kyungsoo walked a bit more to the side so Chanyeol could have more space for himself under the umbrella, even if meant that Kyungsoo’s shoulder was sticking out away from the umbrella’s shade where he got hit by the rain.

Chanyeol did not notice this. Kyungsoo had always been the more observant one out of the two, except maybe when it came to analyzing the pieces in play on a Go board.

 

Now that it was raining, the dog was nowhere to be seen in the yard too.

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo walked faster to get out of the rain and reached the house in a shorter time than they had taken previously.

 

 

By the time they reached the shade under the porch and into the entryway from the front door of Chanyeol’s house, Kyungsoo was drenched dripping wet only on one side of his shoulder. Both sides of his shoes were wet, however.

Chanyeol only noticed this now and profusely apologized for not noticing it sooner.

“It’s alright,” Kyungsoo assured, brushing it off.

“Wait, let me get a towel,” Chanyeol mentioned, putting the umbrella back and quickly taking off his shoes to fetch a towel.

“Okay then,” Kyungsoo sat on the bench in the entryway, taking his time to take his wet shoes and socks off.

 

Kyungsoo put aside his shoes and socks on the cement floor for it to dry, not wanting to put it on the shoe rack yet.

Chanyeol appeared shortly later with a pale yellow towel in his hand that he passed to Kyungsoo.

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo muttered, standing up and accepting the towel to dry off his arms and neck, reaching under his shirt to wipe away at his wet skin.

Kyungsoo also made sure to wipe his feet so he wouldn’t have to leave wet footprints behind him.

 

While Kyungsoo was standing in the entryway wiping himself off, Chanyeol saw how Kyungsoo’s glasses had fogged up from condensation now that they were inside the house and out of the cooler temperature outside due to the rain.

Chanyeol gently took off Kyungsoo’s glasses and wiped it using the fabric of his own dry shirt, seeing that Kyungsoo’s shirt was wet.

As gentle as earlier, Chanyeol put back Kyungsoo’s glasses onto the bridge of the nose of his near-sighted friend.

 

“Is that alright?” Chanyeol smiled softly, asking Kyungsoo.

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo confirmed, pushing back his glasses with a finger to adjust it, “I think I have dried off enough. I should go change my clothes,” Kyungsoo suggested, bending down to roll up the hem of his wet trousers.

While doing that, Kyungsoo was jumped and startled again by Chanyeol for the second time that day when he felt the touch of a finger on the back of his neck.

 

Surprised, Kyungsoo had lurched forward and grabbed the back of his neck where Chanyeol had run his finger against.

“It’s still wet there. Let me dry it for you,” Chanyeol commented, picking up the towel from the floor that Kyungsoo had accidentally dropped out of surprise.

“Uh…sure?” Kyungsoo complied, bending his head down to let Chanyeol wipe the back of his neck with the towel.

 

The touch and feel of the towel against his skin were rough and warm, compared to Chanyeol’s cold but soft finger. Kyungsoo could notice that contrast very well.

When Chanyeol was done helping Kyungsoo dry off the back of his neck, Kyungsoo turned around and took the towel from Chanyeol’s hand where their hands met and ran over each other.

Kyungsoo also noticed how Chanyeol was slightly trembling and how cold Chanyeol’s hands were as he held the hands larger than his, eyes darting up to meet Chanyeol’s to ask, “Are you alright? You feel very cold.”

“I’m okay. I just get cold on rainy days,” Chanyeol assured before confessing, “I have a match the day after tomorrow. Maybe I’m a bit nervous about that too. I have to win that match and the one after that if I want to make it to the finals a few weeks from now.”

“I don’t play Go very well but I know that I do believe in you,” Kyungsoo confidently stated, grasping tighter onto Chanyeol’s hand.

“I know,” Chanyeol hung his head low, looking down at their hands within each other’s, “I have to win so I can get to see them and say that I won. I haven’t seen them in five years and they’re waiting for me, Kyungsoo.”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t have to ask anymore because he knew well enough who the “them” that Chanyeol had talked about was referring to.

Chanyeol was resolved to win the title match and Kyungsoo was resolved that by the end of his stay in Japan, he would finally be able to tell Chanyeol that his mother and sister weren’t there anymore.

Kyungsoo didn’t want to hurt Chanyeol or be cruel to his old friend but he couldn’t enable the lie either.

It was hard but they had to start somewhere.

 

With a reassuring smile on his face; Kyungsoo draped the towel over Chanyeol’s shoulders and pulled Chanyeol into a hug, having put the towel there to avoid Chanyeol getting soaked from his wet clothes.

Chanyeol returned the hug, resting his head against Kyungsoo’s as they remained in silence against the sound of the pounding rain on the ground and on the rooftops and against the flowing water heard running down the waterspout just outside the window.

Kyungsoo could feel Chanyeol’s light trembling slowly coming to a stop in the embrace and how his breathing slowed and calmed down.

 

“I missed you,” Chanyeol breathily admitted close to Kyungsoo’s ear, with his arms wrapped around Kyungsoo while his hands were firm and protective on Kyungsoo’s back.

“I missed you too,” Kyungsoo’s voice hitched as the feeling of relief washed over him when he realized that they were once again in each other’s arms.

Chanyeol’s happiness felt a bit like this too.

 

 


	9. Afeared

 

Kyungsoo woke up a bit later than usual the next morning and he was sure that was the case because the time on his phone on the nightstand beside the four-poster bed he slept on, read at almost ten in the morning.

Even if Kyungsoo had an afternoon shift or if it was his day off, he would still be waking up earlier than that. Kyungsoo was just used to early mornings and long nights as a dare he might say,  probably an overworked resident doctor.

Being a junior doctor and overworking seemed to go hand in hand in such a culture, even though Kyungsoo never complained and only recently realized how badly it impacted his non-existent social life.

If it weren’t for Chanyeol, Kyungsoo would never even dream of taking days off from work, least to say an entire month-long trip overseas in another country.

                               

But Kyungsoo was on vacation now and he gave himself a bit of leeway at waking up at any hour he chose to, wanting to be lazy for a bit since he never was anyway.

It wasn’t every day that he got to be on vacation, after all.

Kyungsoo had spent almost the entire of yesterday traveling and getting familiarized with a new place, which tired him out since it was something he was not used to yet; so he chose to lie back down on the bed and stare through the posters of his bed at the off-white plaster ceiling above him.

 

 

From the lying position on the bed, Kyungsoo could see rays of sunlight peeking in from the fabric of the curtains above the bed. Kyungsoo had drawn the curtains shut right before going to bed but there was sunlight streaming in through a small slit between the partitions.

Kyungsoo slept with the air-conditioning on so it was still cool in the room, although Kyungsoo could guess that it was already hot and humid outside especially with it being in the middle of August.

Kyungsoo could hear birds chirping outside his window, presumably from the birds perched on the tree just outside the window that overlooked the garden and front yard outside.

 

Kyungsoo wasn’t tired anymore and he couldn’t go back to sleep even if he tried; but he wanted to be lazy for a bit, so he continued lying on the bed with an arm draped over and covering his eyes.

Kyungsoo was brought back to the memory of yesterday evening where he found himself and Chanyeol in a tight embrace with the pounding rain outside.

Kyungsoo hadn’t actually been touched or held in a friendly and welcoming gesture in a long time. Sure, there were obligatory handshakes and occasionally brushing or touching a co-worker’s hand while in the line of duty but that was it.

But those instances were never anything personal and they never felt so comforting unlike being in Chanyeol’s touch and having Chanyeol in his own touch.

Even in a different country where he didn’t speak the language or know much of and had just arrived in hours prior, Kyungsoo felt so welcomed and so at home already in Chanyeol’s arms. It felt like Kyungsoo had been here all along and that he and Chanyeol never separated.

Kyungsoo wouldn’t be lying if he said that he wished they could just stay like that forever, burying his face in Chanyeol’s shoulder and holding each other as they faced against the world together.

Kyungsoo couldn’t exactly put a name to his feelings towards Chanyeol yet but it felt warm, fond and gentle.

It was like warm sun on one’s skin for the first time after a cold season, Kyungsoo akin it to.

Kyungsoo hoped that by the end of his trip and before he left again, he would be able to discover and explore his feelings more and in-depth; hoping he had an answer and a decision to make for it.

 

 

Once Kyungsoo thought that he was done procrastinating by lazing around in bed doing nothing but thinking of his feelings and of what had happened in the short span of his trip so far, Kyungsoo got up from bed and padded across the room on the furry-textured carpeted floor where he reached for the door and pushed the handle down to exit into the hallway.

Kyungsoo walked pass by Chanyeol’s room, where he found the door ajar and half open but with no Chanyeol in sight.

Kyungsoo then walked down the wooden stairs, down to the first floor of the house which looked older and more traditional than the second floor where the rooms were at.

 

 

Upon arriving on the first floor, Kyungsoo found that the sliding glass doors on one wall had been slide open, revealing the garden outside whereby Kyungsoo could just step out to but decided against because he was bare feet and still wearing his pajamas.

Kyungsoo was right about it being warm and humid already outside. He could feel it just by standing near the glass doors that had been slid open, even if he hadn’t technically stepped outside of the house.

From where he stood; Kyungsoo could see the lush greenery of plants and trees outside in the garden and he could also hear the sounds of the water pump in the koi pond trickling and running, creating a calming and cooling atmosphere to the already tranquil feeling that Kyungsoo already felt from just being there.

There was also a nice breeze that blew from outside and circulating cooler air around inside the house where Kyungsoo still stood at.

 

The breeze continued blowing and Kyungsoo closed his eyes, believing that it would enable him to feel the air better on his face.

The breeze rustled around Kyungsoo’s hair and the t-shirt he was wearing. It was nice and cool; an interesting contrast to the warm weather outside.

Kyungsoo stretched an arm up to brush away his bangs from his forehead that had noticeably grown longer than he noticed and had been slightly messed up by the blowing breeze. Maybe, Kyungsoo considered getting a haircut when he was back home in a month’s time.

The ruffled bangs were also long enough to brush and prickle against the eyelids, so before Kyungsoo could reach a hand to push his bangs aside and open his eyes, he felt another larger and warm hand gently caressing his forehead to push the hair out of the way.

 

 

“There, I got it for you,” Chanyeol gleefully announced, retracting back his arm while standing in front of Kyungsoo near the doors that led out to the garden; the view of the garden outside in full view from where they were stood at.

“Thank you, I didn’t see you coming,” Kyungsoo returned, feeling quite embarrassed and hoping he wasn’t flushing too obviously. Kyungsoo wondered why he was even feeling that way to someone he had known for so many years.

 

Chanyeol was an old friend but all these feelings and emotions he felt were certainly new and Kyungsoo had yet to explore the real meaning behind what he was feeling for Chanyeol now.

Chanyeol was there standing in front of him, eyes creased as he smiled wide while the breeze continued blowing and messed up both their hairs.

“Well, there goes all my hard work,” Chanyeol joked, laughing, looking genuinely happy for the first time in a while.

 

Kyungsoo’s heart almost skipped a beat and he could say he was awe-stricken when Chanyeol looked at him the way he did that day.

Chanyeol wasn’t like this to everyone and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but feel somewhat exclusive at getting to witness such an amazing sight that moved him so much.

Again, Kyungsoo felt like the old Chanyeol was there in front of him again even if it was a small glimpse at what could have and should be.

 

 

“Good morning,” Chanyeol greeted, “Are you hungry? There are some food and coffee in the kitchen. You can make yourself something if you’re hungry because I already ate.”

“Not really,” Kyungsoo answered, placing a hand behind his neck and lightly chuckling, “I was sleeping in so it’s my fault for missing breakfast anyway.”

“That’s totally fine. You’re on vacation and you’re free to do whatever you want. My home is yours too now,” Chanyeol was pleased to say as he pulled on the front of the brown t-shirt he was wearing.

“So, what’s up today?” Kyungsoo asked, folding his arms across his chest. Although he genuinely wanted to know what was up with Chanyeol, he did also want to change the topic a bit to be less about him because of how shy he was feeling around someone so familiar to him.

“I have to go to association’s headquarters this afternoon so in about less than two hours from now. My match is tomorrow but I have a meeting and discussion session with the association members today. It won’t take long though. I’ll be there for a few hours only and then when I come back, I’ll bring you out to eat and we’ll walk down the river,” Chanyeol happily mentioned, eagerly and looking excited as he felt it inside.

“That sounds great,” Kyungsoo responded, and he could already imagine in his head how much fun it would be and how he anticipated spending time with Chanyeol to be the thing he looked forward to the most.

“So, do you want to eat anything before I go? I can make something for you,” Chanyeol offered, walking across the room from where they stood and sliding open more doors inside the house to reveal another traditional looking room with a low coffee table on the tatami mat floor.

“I think I’m good. I’ll make something later on but I’m not hungry now,” Kyungsoo responded, tapping his stomach.

“Sure, let me know if you change your mind. I’m going to practice a bit of Go now if you don’t mind,” Chanyeol bowed his head slightly, moving into the next room which was opened from behind the sliding doors.

“Of course. Go ahead,” Kyungsoo encouraged.

 

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes and head followed as Chanyeol moved into the next room and left the door open; where he sat down cross-legged on the mat on a pillow and played a match against himself on the Go board, perched on top of the low coffee table.

Besides the Go board on the table was a book that Kyungsoo presumed to be that of Go strategies because of the Go board illustration on the cover.

Chanyeol opened the book and occasionally referred to the book and then the go board in front of him, as he skillfully moved pieces in and out from the board.

 

Only the sounds of the pages turning and of the leaves on the trees rustling in the wind were heard in such a large house.

Chanyeol was even quieter by nature and Kyungsoo too fell into the surrounding silence as he observed his best friend from outside the room.

 

It was a windy day and the breeze continued blowing in from outside, through the yard and garden into the house where it sometimes blew the pages from where Chanyeol was reading at on the book.

Every time the pages were blown away from where Chanyeol was reading, he would turn the pages and return it back to where he last stopped at; doing it repeatedly without getting frustrated or even visibly irritated at having to do over again even for so many times.

Chanyeol had visibly so much patience and perseverance. He didn’t even seem to be bothered or lost his concentration the least bit from the minor nuisance by the breeze blowing from outside. His expression remained placid and neutral the entire time.

Not even once did Chanyeol lift his eyes from the Go board or the book, darting back and forth between the two.

 

Kyungsoo felt a bit intrusive and like he could potentially be a distraction, and he would hate to break Chanyeol’s focus and determination especially when Chanyeol was practicing for such an important match.

Until then, Kyungsoo decided to return to his room upstairs and maybe spend some time on his phone to wait until Chanyeol was less occupied by Go.

Kyungsoo took one step forward to leave but unknowingly stepped onto a floorboard that creaked quite loudly under some weight.

The house was old and it was quite explainable when that happened but Kyungsoo had only arrived here the other day and he surely hadn’t gotten to know which floorboard made the most noise and whatnot.

 

Kyungsoo cringed and silently hoped that Chanyeol was not distracted by that sound, instantly whipping his head to the side to check and look into the room Chanyeol was in.

Kyungsoo heaved a sigh of relief to see that Chanyeol was indeed not even aware or even roused by the obvious sound he had just made.

 

When Chanyeol was focused into Go, it was like the world and everyone else around him didn’t seem to exist at all. It was just him and the Go board in front of him.

Chanyeol successfully shut himself out from everything but the things most important to him. In fact, he had been doing this for years now but Kyungsoo was slowly creeping into that spectrum of what was important and mattered to him.

 

Kyungsoo was about to walk off with the intention to return to his room; feeling considerably pleased with himself for managing to get away from his blunder when he saw Chanyeol’s looking up at him from the book and the Go board while smiling ever so fondly.

Even if not a single word was uttered or exchanged between the both of them at that time, Kyungsoo knew that the smile and of Chanyeol noticing him was already worth a thousand words.

There was also a beauty in silence that Kyungsoo never even though existed, which he found with Chanyeol.

 

 

 

Chanyeol was punctual and even before the wall clock in the discussion room of the Japan Go Association’s building hit twelve in the afternoon, Chanyeol was already there waiting with a Go board in front of him on the table.

There were a few other tables in the room for members of the association to practice playing Go with others. One table was occupied by two retirees who were playing a practice match against each other.

There was a chair on the table opposite from Chanyeol but it was empty; no one was playing against him and that was almost always the case. Only a few people from the association among the hundreds who came and go every now and then actually dared to play against Chanyeol even if for practice purposes.

Chanyeol being one of the top players and his professional status did serve to intimidate others from going up against him. Furthermore, his quiet disposition and refusal to talk or even look at almost everyone did turn people off from approaching him.

Although almost everyone who had been there for more than five years knew of the tragic accident that Chanyeol was involved in; only the members of the Go association who held administrative and staff positions knew why Chanyeol was the way he was today.

Most people who were unaware of the condition only assumed that the accident had greatly shaken him up and robbed him of the cheerful and outgoing person he used to be.

 

 

The room was painted a pale yellow with numerous charts and posters about Go hung on the wall. There was even a small shelf with a water cooler and plastic cups available for anyone who wanted a drink.

Takeda came into the room shortly later, sliding the doors open and placing a box about the size of a regular shoe box onto the table.

 

Chanyeol did not look up from his book or the Go board for even a split second when Takeda walked in. Chanyeol was always like this and Takeda was used to it by now.

“I picked this up from the postal box at the post office. These were addressed to you,” Takeda informed, picking up a white envelope with the address scribbled in blue ink on the front, “-the usual fan mail and people writing to you about how they want to play Go because of you.”

“I haven’t done anything noteworthy for that honor,” Chanyeol muttered without losing concentration from the board, genuinely believing that despite all the title matches he had won in the years of his professional Go career.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Takeda sighed, taking the seat opposite from Chanyeol and pushing the box away, aside to the edge of the table, “We don’t have enough storage left for this so you’ll have to bring this back too. You can just stuff it in your storeroom or something.”

 

Takeda knew full well that even though Chanyeol might read the letters, he probably wouldn’t write and reply back to the sender because he feared communication to someone he barely knew even through written form.

Although Chanyeol didn’t get as many letters as a popular actor or celebrity would, it was still a whole lot more compared to what a regular person would get.

Takeda read almost every letter on behalf of Chanyeol who allowed him to do so. As Chanyeol’s assistant, it was Takeda’s job to do that anyway like all the other top Go players who had other people manage their public relations and communications.

Sometimes, Takeda might come across a letter that deserved to be replied to like in one letter sent by the daughter on behalf of her father, a recently deceased elderly man who spent all his life playing Go and was delighted to see younger people like Chanyeol still playing it in a modern era.

Takeda would write back, thank them for reaching and sharing their story and promised to let Chanyeol know about their thoughts that they had wished to convey.

Even if Chanyeol did not read that letter, Takeda would read it out to him but one could never tell Chanyeol felt from his constantly blank and lost expression.

 

 

This time, there wasn’t anything “noteworthy” in the letter that needed to be addressed so Takeda had put it aside and offered to play against Chanyeol in the practice match for his actual one the next day.

Takeda himself was a professional Go player who was actually younger than Chanyeol was by a few years, although he was more interested in doing the administrative work within the association and teaching others how to play Go in his hometown that he went back to at least every few months.

So instead of participating in the tournaments himself, Takeda attended it to accompany and manage Chanyeol while the latter was the one competing.

The Go association president himself came into the room around that time too and saw Chanyeol playing the practice match against Takeda.

 

The association president; an energetic and talkative man in his sixties, was about to talk loudly and say something when Takeda hushed at him to keep silent, pointing at Chanyeol opposite from him who was totally and fully into the game.

Even though it wasn’t the real match, Chanyeol took his practices seriously.

Although most Go teachers and professional players sometimes deliberately lost in a practice match against a weaker opponent as a way of going easy on them, Chanyeol was the type to go all out and treat it like a real tournament.

 

The association, of course, learned the hard way when they were organizing the annual summer camp for those who wanted to learn to play Go, and they had asked Chanyeol to play in a match against a nine year-old girl with the intention to show the students at the camp how a professional player would do.

The young girl who happened to be a big fan of Chanyeol only ended up crying, and Chanyeol leaving the match to go home and sleep after winning without saying a single word or even looking up from the board.

It was easy and pretty normal for people to perceive Chanyeol wrongly and misjudge him from the type of personality he expressed.

That was why Chanyeol had Takeda to help him when it concerned Go. For everything else, Takeda had mentally sort of left the responsibility to Kyungsoo now.

 

 

The practice match with Takeda ended and Chanyeol was the clear winner of the two, a fact obvious even from the beginning of the game.

After listening to what Takeda and the association’s president had to brief him about his opponent and the match the next day, Chanyeol quickly got up to leave before it started raining again; knowing that it would surely rain because of the coming typhoon season.

Before Chanyeol walked out from the door in the room, without turning to look back or at whom he directed it to, Chanyeol quite audibly muttered, “That was a good game, Takeda. Thank you for playing with me today.”

 

Once Chanyeol had left, Takeda and the association’s president looked at each other in silence and shrugged off.

“That was the first time I’ve heard him say that in five years without any of us telling him that he has to every time he finishes a match,” Takeda stated.

“I did not expect that at all,” The association’s president replied, clearing the pieces off the Go board so he could play another match against Takeda.

“I think Kyungsoo might be good for him,” Takeda mentioned, grinning to himself as he made the first move on the Go board against the association’s president.

 

 

 

Chanyeol ran, not walked back home from the Go association’s building because the skies were turning grey, the wind was already blowing and lifting the dry leaves from the ground and the temperature had already dipped like it was a cool summer night instead of a humid afternoon.

Chanyeol wanted to make it home before it rained because he had a promise to keep; having promised to take Kyungsoo out sightseeing around the district of Tokyo he lived in. If it rained, he wouldn’t have been able to do that.

 

Chanyeol felt the first few raindrops on his face and on the back of his neck where it ran down on his back inside his clothes.

Chanyeol placed his bag on top of his head to shield himself from the torrent of raindrops that began to fall heavier before he reached in front of his house’s gate and clicked on the remote control to open the gates and ran in until he reached shade.

Kyungsoo was leaning by the window in his room upstairs, scrolling through messages on his phone when he saw Chanyeol running outside on the driveway and into the house.

 

It was already raining very heavily by then; anyone would be drenched even if they stood in the rain for only a few seconds.

Seeing that it had started to rain again, Kyungsoo had closed all the windows and doors earlier on to stop the rain from blowing into and wetting inside the house.

Kyungsoo placed his currently charging phone down onto the table just beside the window before walking out his room and going down the stairs as fast as it was safe to do so.

Kyungsoo almost ran to the door when he reached the bottom rung of the stairs and the landing on the first floor, knowing that Chanyeol had not brought the house keys with him because there was someone home.

 

 

Kyungsoo quickly unlocked the front door and swung it open to come face to face with a drenched Chanyeol with fallen leaves stuck in his hair and collar of his coat. Chanyeol was not just wet but his hair was also a mess, blown and messed up by the wind.

The wind was still blowing and felt outside even though it was dry under the porch attached to the main door.

It was a rather comical sight for Kyungsoo but his main concern was to pull Chanyeol inside the house into the entryway, ignoring that the latter was drenched and had mud on his shoes. They could always clean up later, after all.

 

Kyungsoo took Chanyeol’s bag and placed it down on the bench in the entryway before raising his concerns, “You should take a warm shower. It’s easy to get sick after walking in the rain now that we’re older. I’ll make you something warm to drink in the meantime.”

Chanyeol leaned forward to grab onto Kyungsoo’s hand, not allowing him to leave even to get a towel for Chanyeol to dry off.

Chanyeol hung his head low and shook his head while holding onto Kyungsoo’s hand, whereby Kyungsoo could feel how cold Chanyeol had gotten from the rain and sudden dip in temperature. Chanyeol was rather sensitive to the temperature and weather changes around him.

 

Kyungsoo looked up at the rain-drenched and messed up Chanyeol; where he caught a bead of raindrop running from Chanyeol’s hairline and down onto his face, passing by his eye and finally dropping off from the chin onto the coat Chanyeol was wearing.

If Kyungsoo didn’t know any better, he would have thought that it was a tear and assumed that Chanyeol was crying because of how distraught and dejected Chanyeol looked at the moment.

 

“Why? What’s wrong?” Kyungsoo was instantly worried seeing the sudden change in Chanyeol’s expression. His mind began to race around the negative thoughts and possibilities that might have put Chanyeol into such a damper.

“It’s raining,” Chanyeol muttered, his voice shaking and hitching. His body was also trembling and Kyungsoo could feel that in their joined hands, “-we can’t go out if it’s raining. I already promised to bring you sightseeing around here and I feel bad for breaking promises. I mean, you came all the way here and I don’t want to let you down.”

Kyungsoo softly gasped in surprise but he was sort of comforted that it wasn’t anything bad or major.

 

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo assured, putting on a smile to be the mood maker among the two in that situation, placing his other hand on top of Chanyeol’s, “We can go out any other time. I’m here for another twenty-eight days and the rainy season will be gone within a few weeks, right?”

Chanyeol nodded, lightly nipping on his lower lip, “Yeah, it’ll be over.”

“See, its fine. It’s not your fault, you can’t control the weather and it’s not something within your control. Besides, there’s no harm in spending the night indoors. We can play Go or watch some movies,” Kyungsoo suggested, comforting and trying to lift his best friend’s spirits up.

Chanyeol paused in thought, still dripping rainwater from head to toe before cackling and breaking out into a soft laugh, “That sounds good too but do you really want to play Go? You always seemed to complain about losing whenever we played Go.”

Kyungsoo too couldn’t help but laugh along, habitually covering his mouth with the back of his hand, “Well, that’s because you never go easy on people even when playing with a handicap and it’s not a real match.”

Chanyeol grinned toothily and mischievously, knowing he was guilty of what Kyungsoo had said about him but it was a positive change from his earlier expression, “Go is everything to me and I hate losing but if you want to, I can go easy on you tonight.”

Kyungsoo scrunched his nose as he decided, “I still think I will lose against you but okay. I am honored to be playing a match against you.”

“Okay then, I’ll go have a shower,” Chanyeol agreed, smiling and leaving all the worries from earlier on behind thanks to Kyungsoo.

 

 

Kyungsoo felt how Chanyeol’s hand in his warmed up, how Chanyeol began smiling and looking him in the eye again.

Kyungsoo was happy if Chanyeol was happy, and it was good that way. It was a bit far from ideal but Kyungsoo was satisfied.

 

That night, the pair played Go against each other and Kyungsoo lost three consecutive matches that didn’t even last thirty minutes each at most.

Kyungsoo was still persistent about playing the two more matches after losing the first one very badly. Kyungsoo was genuinely interested in playing and getting to understand Go better because it was something that Chanyeol greatly loved.

 

Even Chanyeol began to feel bad about Kyungsoo losing and offered to stop the game but Kyungsoo pressed it on to continue.

Understanding Go would probably allow Kyungsoo to better understand Chanyeol’s thoughts and feelings even better, he believed.

Kyungsoo obviously didn’t love Go as much as Chanyeol did, but Kyungsoo was willing to learn the way of the black and white board and pieces.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, who was unable to see anything but the Go board in front of him in a match, did manage to see Kyungsoo through it all.

 

Because how Chanyeol felt about Go, and how Kyungsoo felt about studying intently; was the same way Chanyeol and Kyungsoo felt for each other.

 

 

 

Chanyeol left for his match early the next morning and Kyungsoo saw him off that day to wish him the best, fixing Chanyeol’s crooked tie with a smile before he left.

By afternoon, Kyungsoo refreshed the web page on his phone and saw the news that Chanyeol had won and would advance on to the finals.

 

The final tournament would be held about a week and a half from then and it would be played in a “best of five” match that would take place over the span of a few days in a resort hotel out of town.

The opponent was Chanyeol’s famed rival from the Kansai Go Association, another Japanese Go association but in the Kansai region in the south of Japan.

So far, Chanyeol was about neck and neck with his rival and against each other; they won and lost matches at about an even rate so everything was very fifty-fifty.

 

 

Chanyeol came home and lifted Kyungsoo by the waist out of excitement, spinning around as much as his arms could manage to lift up another adult man.

 “I won and I had Takeda make a reservation for you at the resort too so you can attend my match and be there,” Chanyeol happily announced, “I’m so happy I could kiss you.”

Kyungsoo laughed at what he assumed to be a joke, hiding his face in Chanyeol’s shoulder as he was being carried by his tall friend and then gently set back down on the floor on his feet.

“I know, I heard about your win on the internet. Congratulations,” Kyungsoo congratulated, genuinely happy for Chanyeol but also feeling something amiss amidst the post-victory pleasure.

 

Kyungsoo wanted the best for Chanyeol and his win, of course. But Kyungsoo was also reminded of the promise he had made to himself and that was to slowly reveal to Chanyeol about the hard truth that Chanyeol had been avoiding himself from for too long now.

Kyungsoo felt like backing out now and mentally scolding himself for thinking that if Chanyeol lost, he wouldn’t have to keep that silent promise he made to himself.

Kyungsoo still wanted Chanyeol to win. It would probably hurt Chanyeol and Kyungsoo didn’t want to be evil but he felt like he had to do it sooner or later, and that was best while he could still be around Chanyeol on a daily basis like now.

 

 


	10. Reticence

 

The days following Chanyeol’s win at the semi-finals were dry, sunny and with a cloud in view in the sky. It seemed like the rainy season that came with the summer had just passed and made its due, waiting to reemerge another time at a different date.

Kyungsoo started to appreciate the rain more now that it was gone because the summer in Japan was hot, humid and it made him uncomfortably sweat through his clothing despite dressing light and suitable for the weather.

Just in case it would rain again, Kyungsoo had brought a foldable umbrella with him and made sure that Chanyeol did too.

 

The resort hotel who had offered to sponsor and host the Go tournament that would take over the course of several days was located in the town of Hakone, in a prefecture outside of Tokyo about two hours by train, mostly known for the mountainous resorts.

Although Chanyeol insisted that he wanted to hire a taxi to drive him and Kyungsoo to Hakone, Takeda insisted that they take the train because of the heavy traffic during the school summer holidays.

 

 

Takeda usually traveled with Chanyeol but this time, he had to travel with the Go association’s president who decided that he wanted to be there at the tournament to represent Chanyeol in front of the press and during interviews; since Chanyeol would not be doing it himself.

Since Kyungsoo was around, Takeda just made Kyungsoo accompany Chanyeol to Hakone by train. Chanyeol preferred it that way anyway.

 

 

The association’s president, Mr. Fujiwara, had high hopes for Chanyeol to win, as well as everyone from the association.

Even the food caterer who delivered fresh food to the association’s office every day had expressed his desire and yearn for Chanyeol to win the match against his opponent.

There was a noticeably immense and tremendous amount of pressure on Chanyeol to win the match. Everyone he knew supported, wanted the best and rooted for him but Chanyeol only feared to disappoint them and crushing their expectations.

Furthermore, there was Kyungsoo around this time too. Chanyeol would hate to fail Kyungsoo by losing the tournament and failing to retain his victory from last year even if Kyungsoo never pressured him to win or whatnot.

 

Chanyeol, not being the type to argue, complied with Takeda to travel by train and bought the train tickets together with Kyungsoo on the day before they were supposed to leave.

Chanyeol’s match officially began on a Thursday but they had to be at the tournament’s venue latest on Wednesday afternoon, so they would be in time to attend the opening and officiating dinner.

The match would be played as a best of three and take place and cross over into the weekends, with one day reserved for each match.

 

 

Kyungsoo groaned at the heat the moment he stepped off the train and into the open train station at Hakone.

The summer in South Korea was pretty similar but Kyungsoo often spent his days inside the coolly air-conditioned hospital, and only stepped outside in the early mornings or late evenings when his shift ended, so he was blissfully unaware to know how bad the extent of the summer heat actually was.

The air was humid and felt suffocating if Kyungsoo were to put it into simple terms. He was a doctor and not a weatherman or meteorologist, after all. But he knew the air felt heavy and stuffy for him at least, and he wondered if it was just him who felt the way because the other tourists in the train station didn’t look at least visibly bothered by it.

 

Meanwhile, Chanyeol, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be visibly affected much by the heat and walked behind Kyungsoo with a straight face and calm demeanor, while carrying his knapsack on his back.

Chanyeol followed Kyungsoo quietly and diligently throughout the crowded train station and down outside to the taxi stands by the street.

If Kyungsoo stopped walking to read a sign, Chanyeol also stopped moving and when Kyungsoo was walking down the wrong way because he misread the signs despite it being in English which he understood, Chanyeol did not speak up to correct him either even though he knew they were going down the wrong way.

Kyungsoo glanced over his shoulder to ask Chanyeol if he was bothered by the heat and Chanyeol only shook his head. Seeing how everyone around him seemed to be fine and functional under the heat, Kyungsoo began to think that it was just him with a low heat tolerance.

 

 

Kyungsoo wore a straw hat he bought the day earlier to keep the sun’s rays out of his face but it didn’t do much for the heat. Kyungsoo regretted stepping out into the heat once more when he left the air-conditioned interior of the train station to go outside to the taxi stands by the street.

Kyungsoo quickly entered a taxi parked outside, getting into the rear seat where Chanyeol followed him.

Once inside the coolly air-conditioned taxi, Kyungsoo sighed in relief and took off the straw hat from his head to fan himself before nudging for Chanyeol to tell the taxi driver in Japanese to drive to the hotel resort they were staying in.

 

Like he was breaking out of a trance, Chanyeol slightly jolted when Kyungsoo motioned for him to tell the driver where they were headed.

Chanyeol slightly stammered and was for a bit, unable to come with coherent words to tell the driver. It wasn’t that Kyungsoo wanted to put Chanyeol in an uncomfortable position; he just didn’t know how to instruct the driver who didn’t seem to speak English either.

Kyungsoo grabbed Chanyeol’s hand at his side, resting on the car seat, gripping on tight and firm to reassure Chanyeol that he was still there and that there was nothing to fear.

It worked almost instantly because Chanyeol began to still and was able to form a short sentence to tell the driver where to bring them, which the driver was able to understand too.

Chanyeol returned the gesture and laced his fingers with Kyungsoo’s, holding onto the hand belonging the person who most dear to him.

 

During the short drive to the hotel, Chanyeol whispered a low thank you to Kyungsoo sitting beside him.

Kyungsoo was looking out the window while still trying to fan himself with his hat to cool down faster, but he could still hear Chanyeol’s soft expression gratitude and although Kyungsoo didn’t say anything back, he smiled upon hearing the words.

 

 

When they had first arrived, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo saw a large banner was hung outside the building.

The bold and large words printed on the banner were mostly in Japanese that Kyungsoo couldn’t read, but he did understand the smaller English fonts and subscript that read to announce the hotel as the venue for Japan’s national Go tournament.

Inside the hotel’s modern designed lobby were more standing banners displayed throughout the lobby near the reception area, to advertise and announce the Go tournament that would be taking place beginning the next morning.

 

 

Chanyeol saw the numerous banners that were around and only felt even smaller and that he probably wasn’t deserving of his title as one of the best professional Go players alive.

Chanyeol saw not just his face but the stern glare of his opponent on one of the banners and was hit by the realization that there were just two options for him now onwards; to win or to lose, because even if Chanyeol chose to withdraw from the match, he would still be declared the loser for official terms even if a match was not played.

Chanyeol knew deep down that he couldn’t afford to lose. His life depended on Go and there was nothing else for him beyond the black and white board, Chanyeol greatly believed.

For Chanyeol did not fear the loss as much as he feared to lose his identity, pride and the very thing he had built his life around. It would kill him to lose it now.

Chanyeol knew he had to win because Go was his life and he feared to die while still being alive and breathing.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had separate but adjacent rooms to each other in the hotel on the second floor, with both their rooms overlooking the scenic river and green forests outside.

Chanyeol left his room after putting his bags down to go to Kyungsoo’s room and spend his time there, reading and scribbling some notes down on a notebook about Go, waiting until Takeda arrived with the association’s president in a few hours.

 

Kyungsoo sat on a chair by the glass window overlooking the river outside his room, admiring the scenery and surroundings from inside the cool room and not outside in the heat.

Kyungsoo did plan to go sightseeing around Hakone but maybe later in the evening when it was cooler, he hoped.

 

Kyungsoo looked to his side where he saw Chanyeol, sitting cross-legged on his bed with the book in his lap.

Chanyeol was quiet and had not said more than three words since they had checked into the hotel and their rooms.

As usual, Chanyeol looked very focused and immersed into the notes he had written into his notebook; that contained statistics and records of common moves, turns, and strategies that were often played by his opponent for the final match.

 

 

Chanyeol’s opponent was a member of the Kansai Go association that was based in Osaka, a long-standing rival to the Japan Go association that was based in Tokyo.

Although both associations played Go and the similar type of it and were both based in Japan, albeit, in different regions of the archipelago country, the longtime sportsmanship rivalry had existed since the founding of both associations.

Chanyeol’s opponent in question was a man slightly older than Chanyeol, who was popularly and mononymously known by his surname, Maruyama.

 

Chanyeol had played several matches against Maruyama in inter-association competitions in the past; and year after year for the past five years or so, Maruyama always reached the finals of the Japan national Go tournament to represent his association to play against Chanyeol.

Chanyeol was impartial to most people but he always felt something off and displeasing about Maruyama.

Maybe it was because Maruyama always looked too stern and glared too hard at Chanyeol from across the Go board.

Chanyeol felt uncomfortable when that happened and he felt restless too at times.

 

Despite that, whenever he and Maruyama played against each other, the win and loss ratio was about equal between the both of them.

Chanyeol knew it was that way because it meant that he and Maruyama were about at the similar and same skill level, their alike ranks as a 9-dan professional player to reflect it; that being the highest attainable rank for a Go player.

Chanyeol also knew that unless one of them begun to improve and grow as a player more than the other, they would be stuck with the same win and loss ratio and to always go neck on neck against each other with just luck deciding the rest of the outcome.

 

Chanyeol hated to know that because of his and Maruyama’s similar skill levels, the winner was almost decided by whoever was luckier and had the odds in his favor during the tournament; both of the factors being things that were out of a human’s control.

It made Chanyeol feel lesser, incapable and like he wasn’t putting his full potential and capability into the game, no matter how hard he tried and how much he trained for it.

After such a game, Chanyeol always felt unsatisfied and displeased with himself. He began to think how he could do better and what moves he could have made instead, even days after the game was over and even if he had won against Maruyama.

Every day, Chanyeol strived to be a better Go player than he was yesterday and he had yet to feel satisfied and that it was enough.

 

While Kyungsoo couldn’t tell of the storm brewing in Chanyeol’s heart and in the skies a distance away, Kyungsoo could tell that Chanyeol was very determined to win and improve himself this time around.

Kyungsoo was about to say something to Chanyeol and maybe ask him if he wanted to do something while they waited for Takeda and the association’s president, Mr. Fujiwara to arrive, but decided against it when he saw how focused and attentive Chanyeol was to his Go revision.

Kyungsoo would hate to break Chanyeol’s concentration now and pulled out his phone while waiting for the envoy from the Go association to arrive at the hotel resort.

 

 

After Takeda arrived together with Mr. Fujiwara and another person from the association to help with the tournament, Chanyeol was quickly asked to shower and change into a black suit that had been pressed and readied for Chanyeol, brought all the way from Tokyo to Hakone by Takeda.

Kyungsoo was also asked to change into his formal clothes so he could attend the opening ceremony of the tournament that would take place in the hotel’s ballroom.

Kyungsoo was notified by Takeda, beforehand of the dress code, and Kyungsoo had quickly gone shopping the previous day and bought a dress shirt and pair of black trousers from a store near where Chanyeol’s house was at.

 

Chanyeol showered and got dressed and ready in Kyungsoo’s room, instead of his own. Kyungsoo considered taking a shower before the opening ceremony in Chanyeol’s room, since Chanyeol was using his, but decided to wait until after Chanyeol was done showering in his room to take his turn to shower.

 

By the time Kyungsoo was done showering and had dried off inside the shower, because he was slightly abashed and a bit shy to parade himself around naked around unlike Chanyeol, who didn’t care about that at all; Chanyeol was already fully dressed in his suit and tie, sitting at the edge of Kyungsoo’s bed while reading and flipping through his notebook.

Kyungsoo had also gotten dressed in the shower and only needed to comb his hair and help Chanyeol too with the latter’s hair

 

Before they left the hotel room and moved down to the hotel’s ballroom on the ground floor, Chanyeol handed Kyungsoo a dark blue silk tie with a pattern of white stripes.

Kyungsoo looked up from the tie in Chanyeol’s hand and averted his gaze to the one that Chanyeol was wearing around his neck, and he noticed how it was the exact same one that Chanyeol was wearing too.

With a smile, Kyungsoo accepted the tie that Chanyeol had given him and unfolded his collar to tie and knot it around his neck.

Chanyeol smiled too as he looked upon at Kyungsoo and then walked down together into the hotel’s ballroom for the opening ceremony for that year’s national Go tournament.

 

 

Kyungsoo sat at a table at the back of the ballroom while the function was ongoing, helping himself to the complimentary food and refreshments.

Kyungsoo didn’t understand a word that was being said as the representatives of the respective Go associations, organizers, judges, and the players themselves came up to the podium on the stage to make a speech and announcement.

Chanyeol sat at a table near the front with some members of the association he came from, temporarily separated from Kyungsoo for a while. Chanyeol did not make the speech himself and always had someone else to represent himself.

Kyungsoo was seated at the table together with the members of the press and Go fans who had flocked to the hotel to witness the national title match in person, that being the only table with a seat available for Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo was certainly the odd one out there, especially when he had no clue of what was going on, but he didn’t feel quite so. Kyungsoo was more fixated on feeling confused and that he didn’t understand anything that was happening.

 

Kyungsoo did try to engage himself deeper into Go, to better understand Chanyeol and to revisit his youth, but he never clicked with the game and he could never feel like he could move further with it.

When the speeches and formalities were over and those involved in tomorrow’s tournament opened up for the attendees to interview them and ask questions, the press and the people seated at Kyungsoo’s table all got up at once and rushed to towards the front of the ballroom.

Kyungsoo nodded and chuckled to himself as he continued scrolling down some news feed on his phone while munching on some fish crackers that had been served as a snack.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t notice Chanyeol slipping from the crowd by walking near the walls and then plopping himself down on the chair beside Kyungsoo.

When Kyungsoo did notice Chanyeol, he was met with a smile on his taller friend’s face. Kyungsoo too smiled in return and they sat there finishing the food on the table until Takeda noticed that Chanyeol was missing and then finding him at the back table with Kyungsoo.

 

 

 

The next morning, on the first day of the match, Kyungsoo wanted to wait in the spectator’s room where he could watch a live stream and feed of the match in the tournament room.

Chanyeol, however, gave him some money and told him to go sightseeing around, explaining that it was because he didn’t want to bore Kyungsoo with the long match and because Kyungsoo should go around town as a tourist. Furthermore, there would be at least two or even three matches and it wouldn’t hurt Kyungsoo to miss one.

That was true but Chanyeol was also greatly scared of losing and disappointing not just everyone supporting him but also Kyungsoo, whom he held so close to his heart. Yes, Chanyeol was trying to chase Kyungsoo away that day but only because he believed that he was helping protect Kyungsoo from being disappointed if he lost that day.

Chanyeol only wanted to show that he was capable and make Kyungsoo proud of him, but little did he know that Kyungsoo already was and unconditionally too.

 

 

Kyungsoo tried to return the money that Chanyeol had given him and at first refused to go out around Hakone but ended up going out anyway to please Chanyeol, because he wouldn’t understand watching a Go match for hours and because his parents in Seoul had requested him to bring back souvenirs for them.

So, Kyungsoo purchased a day tour trip from the hotel and went on the tour with some fellow Korean tourists who talked very loud and Kyungsoo was left not being able to hear much of what the tour guide was telling the group, over the voices of the middle-aged women who travelled in a group and kept asking Kyungsoo what he worked as and if he had a girlfriend, so they could introduce their daughters to him.

Kyungsoo politely declined and simply stated that he never planned for such and was more focused on himself and his career ahead of anything else.

While that may have been true, Kyungsoo also now saw an importance in Chanyeol and making his best friend a focus and priority in his life.

Kyungsoo couldn’t exactly put a word to name and label his feelings but he knew that Chanyeol was important to him, and Kyungsoo greatly cared about Chanyeol, even if he was yet to properly sort out his feelings.

 

 

Kyungsoo stuck mostly to himself during the tour, walking around the locations but not really paying attention to it because he was more occupied in his thoughts about how to properly confront Chanyeol about his mother and sister’s death.

Only halfway through the tour, when they were visiting a shrine atop a hill that had been built hundreds of years ago, then Kyungsoo realized he had been spacing out and simply just following the crowd aimlessly and blankly.

 

When the tour group stopped at an open-air mall in a tourist shopping district in Hakone so the people in the group could go shopping in the various stores there, Kyungsoo sat down on a stone bench in front of a souvenir shop as he looked on his phone for the latest updates about the match taking place at the hotel.

It was around two in the afternoon and the match had resumed an hour ago after a lunch break, and so far, there was yet to be a winner in sight.

The tournament limited the match to end the latest at six in the evening or earlier if one player decided to concede their defeat; although concedes were rare in the earlier rounds of a prestigious title match.

Kyungsoo even received a text from Sehun who mentioned that he was texting from the toilets because he was still on his shift at the hospital, but still managing to keep updated about the match by pretending that he needed a toilet break and checking his phone then.

Kyungsoo lightly chuckled to himself and then spent about half an hour buying key chains and little trinket souvenirs to be brought back for his colleagues and family when he returned to Korea.

 

 

The tour ended at around five in the evening and the tour bus was slowly dropping off the tourists at the hotel or lodgings they were staying in. Kyungsoo’s hotel was one of the last places the bus stopped at and by the time he arrived, the first round of the match was almost over because of the time limit.

Knowing so, Kyungsoo rushed to his hotel room and threw all the shopping bags onto the bed before running back down to the venue hall; where he saw Takeda waiting outside the door, leaning against the wall with his arms folded over his chest and smiling thinly at him.

Kyungsoo didn’t know yet who won or lost but he didn’t have to guess to know when he saw Chanyeol still seated in front of the Go board on the table, hanging his head and looking down at the board.

Meanwhile, Maruyama was standing up and talking to the press and representatives, looking quite proud and pleased with himself. He did probably deserve that for winning the first round of the tournament.

 

Chanyeol got up a while later to talk to the association’s president, bowed his head and then walked off out of the room the match was held in.

Kyungsoo tried to catch Chanyeol by the door but Chanyeol only brushed past him at the shoulder as Chanyeol continued walking away and down the hall, ignoring and shutting out Kyungsoo calling out to him.

Chanyeol didn’t see nor hear Kyungsoo there, having isolated everything that wasn’t Go so he could concentrate fully the match and losing the match only made him isolate everything around him even greater.

 

Kyungsoo was about to chase after Chanyeol down the hallway but Takeda caught onto his arm and shook his head.

No words were exchanged between Kyungsoo and Takeda, with the distracting sounds of the chatter and talking from inside the tournament room drowning the area, but Kyungsoo could tell what Takeda meant even in the silence between them.

 

 

Kyungsoo spent the rest of the evening sitting in the hotel's café together with Takeda and only a cup of black coffee to last them the entire evening and most of the night.

They spoke a few words and sentences but it was mostly nodding, shaking their heads or softly grunting and shrugging their shoulders to answer each other.

Even Mr. Fujiwara who joined them shortly later was quiet and spoke lesser than his usual talkative and cheerful self.

From the expression on Takeda and Mr. Fujiwara’s faces and from their composure, Kyungsoo could assume that it probably wasn’t the first time this had happened.

 

 

 

Chanyeol did lose the first round of the match but there was still a chance for him to still win the title and the entire tournament, but only and only if he won tomorrow's tournament.

If Chanyeol lost again and Maruyama won again, the tournament would end on the second day.

Because the first player to hit two wins would be declared the winner of the entire tournament; since the winner was determined in a best of three matches.

If Chanyeol did win the next day’s match, he would be tied with Maruyama with one win each and they would have to play the third and final match to determine the tournament's champion.

As for now, Chanyeol was still behind Maruyama and he could almost feel defeat knocking on his door, despite the odds being quite even and at an equal chance for either Chanyeol and Maruyama.

 

Later at night, about half-past to midnight; Takeda went up to the second floor of the hotel together with Kyungsoo to check up on and try to talk to Chanyeol, after having left Chanyeol to himself and giving him some space following his devastating feeling of defeat.

Chanyeol was squatting on the floor, crouching his back and hunching his shoulders over the low coffee table with the Go board on top of it.

Chanyeol was desperately trying to re-enact the game he had just lost and trying to figure out how he could have won instead and what he could have done differently to defeat Maruyama.

Chanyeol had been at it for hours now and he had only briefly stopped to take a sip of plain water every now and then.

 

The more Chanyeol tried to review his match, the more stressed and incapable he felt.

The mistakes he made and the moves he made that resulted in him his defeat were now plainly obvious and Chanyeol began to resent himself for making such blatant mistakes and moves that left him vulnerable on the board.

Then again, hindsight was 20/20 and while Chanyeol did know that, and it wasn't his first time losing in a big tournament either; Chanyeol had so much to lose this time around.

Because this time, it was different. This time, Chanyeol could feel himself carrying the weight of everyone's and his own expectations on his two shoulders.

And while Chanyeol felt more hopeful and prospective initially, now he felt like he wasn't capable or good enough to shoulder all the hopes, expectations and his own goal too.

 

 

Chanyeol was too engrossed into the simulated match that he was trying to replay on his own Go board in his hotel room; too much to hear the initial knocks on his door.

Chanyeol did eventually hear Takeda calling out for him from behind the door but Chanyeol paid no heed or mind to it; continuing to analyze, study and move the pieces on the Go board in front of him to figure out how he could do enough to win tomorrow and the day after the next.

Chanyeol paused for a moment and considered getting up to answer the door but decided against it and returned to the board in front of him.

Chanyeol believed he wasn’t doing enough or putting enough effort so he couldn’t waste the time and break his concentration and focus if he got up to answer the door. Chanyeol had to beat Maruyama even if it killed him because this was his life in figurative form at stake.

 

When Chanyeol did not answer the door, Kyungsoo tried calling out for Chanyeol too on the suggestion of Takeda that maybe Chanyeol would come to the door if it was Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol heard Kyungsoo’s voice this time too and while still unwilling, he dragged himself up and to the door where he opened it only slightly and was asked questions such as if he ate, drank water and took a shower.

Chanyeol nodded to all questions, even when Takeda and Kyungsoo asked if he was alright and shook his head when asked if he needed any help.

The only time Chanyeol spoke was when he said that he wanted to return to playing Go and excused himself for the night, meanwhile, Takeda was loudly telling him to not stay up too late and get enough rest for the next day’s match.

Kyungsoo tried initiating a conversation with Chanyeol before he closed the door again; asking Chanyeol if he wanted to spend the rest of the night with him, thinking that Chanyeol might want the company and reassurance but Kyungsoo was only turned down.

 

 

Kyungsoo respected Chanyeol’s decision and returned to his own room, falling asleep fast in another warm and humid summer night.

Chanyeol fell asleep on his bed with the Go board beside him and the scattered black and white pieces on the unoccupied space scattered beside him on the bed.

When Chanyeol woke up the next morning, lying on his side, the Go board and the scattered pieces everywhere on his mattress were the first things he saw when he opened his eyes.

While Go was still important to him, Chanyeol had a moment of realization when he saw the board and pieces first thing in the morning, where he thought that there could be other things in life than just playing Go. 

Chanyeol felt slightly more confident now because he knew he had to push himself to be the best at the only one thing he was good at and that was Go.

 

 

It was a windy morning much to Kyungsoo’s pleasure because the wind brought a rush of circulating cool air and brought away the stuffy and humid feeling when it was hot.

Kyungsoo woke up early and by the time Chanyeol was still getting dressed, he was already waiting in the spectator’s room designated for Chanyeol’s assistants and staff members, seated on the tatami mat on the floor near a low coffee table beside the glass doors that led to the hotel’s gardens.

The skies were a light grey and gradually darkening as the day progressed. The skies were also cloudy and the sun was obscured behind the cloud for most of the time.

 

Kyungsoo was seated in the waiting room with the association’s president, a few staff members of the association who were keeping track of the match for official record purposes, which would later be filed and stored for the association to study on the players.

It was a common practice to do so and keep records on players even from different Go organizations and different countries. Somewhere in another room, the Kansai Go association was already doing the same.

Go was really competitive and taken very seriously among the player community, and while Kyungsoo couldn’t understand why it was that way; he respected their passion and dedication towards something important to them.

And he would greatly support Chanyeol through win or loss, even through the rain and shine, despite not understanding the appeal of Go or how much it truly meant to Chanyeol.

 

 

Chanyeol wore his favorite grey suit for that day’s match. It was his favorite suit which he dubbed as his “lucky suit” because he usually won when he wore it or so he believed.

Takeda was the one who went up to Chanyeol’s room to help him get ready that morning, and then get breakfast for Chanyeol in the hotel’s cafeteria because he wouldn’t be able to eat again until the match adjourned for a lunch break.

Players were allowed to bring drinks and snacks to eat and drink during the match but full meals and cooked dishes weren’t allowed, and Chanyeol had the tendency to skip breakfast before an important match.

There was a time when Chanyeol only drank coffee and nothing else before a morning match and ended up with severe acid reflux during the match where he refused to leave even in a small tournament. Chanyeol pulled through that match and won the tournament but did get quite an earful from Takeda after that.

 

 

After the breakfast and briefing of that day’s match by the referees and organizers, Chanyeol was escorted by Takeda down the hallways in a wing of the hotel that was designed in a traditional style.

The rooms down the hallway, leading towards the tournament room were filled with people inside; the people seated around a low coffee table and the sliding papers doors slid open for everyone to see Chanyeol walking down with his head up and his shoulders straight

There was silence and an atmosphere of reverence in the air when all the heads of the people in the rooms down the hallway turned to look towards the door when Chanyeol walked past their rooms.

Chanyeol felt surer of himself that day, felt like he could actually win and that he was in control of everything.

 

Chanyeol walked past a particular room and stopped in front of the doorway to see Kyungsoo who was standing near the sliding doors that were left slid open.

Chanyeol looked over Kyungsoo’s shoulder and saw all the familiar faces in the room and then back to Kyungsoo who held out a hand to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol took Kyungsoo’s hand into his and firmly shook it, just when Mr. Fujiwara decided to open the glass doors in the room that led to the gardens outside.

 

“Good luck. I believe in you and no matter what the results may be, I will continue believing and rooting for you, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo expressed from the bottom of his heart.

Chanyeol smiled and spoke to Kyungsoo for the first time since yesterday, “Thank you. I’m sorry that I thought that Go was more important than you but it is not. You are as important and I will do my best so you can be proud of me.”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile too. It had only been a day but he missed Chanyeol’s voice already. Kyungsoo revealed, “-but Chanyeol, I am already proud of you no matter what.”

 

The tall bamboo plants in the gardens just outside the room swayed and the leaves rustled loudly in the wind that was slowly growing stronger by the minute, the skies turning greyer and darker in the middle of the day, signifying that the rain would come and pour soon.

Kyungsoo continued to smile and hold Chanyeol’s hand in front of him, who had not pulled his hand away either after the handshake.

The wind rushed into the room from outside and blew around everything inside, where even both Kyungsoo and Chanyeol’s hair and matching tie were tossed and danced around in the wind.

 

Mr. Fujiwara was told off the staff member of the association for letting the door open before he promptly apologized and slide the glass doors- closed.

When the air in the room was still again, Chanyeol had to readjust and fix his tie that was blown over his shoulder before letting Kyungsoo’s hand go and bowing in respect to everyone in the room.

 

Kyungsoo watched from the doorway as Chanyeol was escorted by Takeda to the room at the end of the hall, where the match would be taking place.

Chanyeol shot Kyungsoo a glance one last time before the doors to the room were slide shut and Chanyeol disappeared from Kyungsoo’s view.

 

“He’ll be alright. Trust me,” Mr. Fujiwara mentioned to Kyungsoo from across the room.

“I know, I believe in him,” Kyungsoo replied, sighing lightly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was mostly narrated and the brief dialogues were only left at the end because I wanted the portray and display the quality of silence and reticence that both our main characters seem to have to a degree of their own.


	11. Discomfiture

 

Overcast and grey skies with a torrent of downpour bringing rainfall fell upon the vacation town of Hakone, where Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and the lot were in for the Japan National Go Tournament.

The tournament took place every year in the summer month, where the best player from each of the two Go associations in Japan was sent in to represent their respective associations and compete in a best of three matches for the title of Japan’s National player for the year.

Over the past few years, the two contestants who ended up being pitted against each other in the finals had been none other than Chanyeol and his long-standing rival, Maruyama.

 

But over the years that they had been seeing each other every final tournament, Chanyeol always felt like he had improved and became a better Go player than he was the previous year; but despite feeling that way, Chanyeol never felt like it was ever enough.

It was never enough and Chanyeol was never satisfied, not until he could sit comfortably behind the Go board and be confident that he could actually defeat someone of his caliber, namely Maruyama in this case.

Maybe Chanyeol was wrong about thinking that he had improved or that he had become better because he always found himself in the same dilemma and heated match, year after year.

 

No matter how hard Chanyeol tried, the seasons would always come and go, and summer would inevitably also come around, year after year bringing the same rain and shine that came along with it.

Time waited for no man after all and time was supposed to be a medium of change but Chanyeol felt like an utter failure, felt as if all the hard work he had put into training and practicing were never enough.

When would it ever be enough, Chanyeol though? At this point, he was starting to believe but not wanting to admit that maybe this was the limit of his capabilities and of his talent because he may have been considered a formidable player in Go by many but at the end of the day…even mountains crumble.

 

 

 

The wind that the storms brought blew hard, sending branches of trees tapping and knocking into the glass windows, rattling the rooftops and spraying raindrops onto the walls and glass panes.

The sounds of the thunder, rain, and wind all combined together to create a loud surrounding atmosphere that drowned out almost and even the smallest of noises from maybe the flipping of a paper to maybe a person anxiously clicking their pen open and close to a person rattling their feet in anticipation.

For that was the atmosphere experienced by almost everyone waiting in that traditional Japanese styled room, all seated cross-legged surrounding a low wooden coffee table on tatami mats as they eagerly and tried to be patient in waiting for the match between Murayama and Chanyeol to come to a conclusion several rooms away.

 

 

It was four in the afternoon and both players were still going against each other neck to neck, ferociously and passion-driven with no clear winner in sight despite the match lasting for hours now.

There were two hours left before the end of the match when the timekeeper would bring it to an end and the referee would begin scoring the two participants.

There was also the option to end the match sooner if both opponents decide to call a “pass” and have their scores calculated even before the scheduled finish time, but in such a tense and high ranked match, neither side would ever want to give up until they were made to by official rules.

There was also, of course, the option to concede a defeat that Chanyeol never had to use in his entire professional Go career and one that he hoped he would never have to.

And today was not a time for conceding either, Chanyeol trusted.

 

 

 

In the spectator and staff room, Kyungsoo sat in front of a flat-panel television screen that was displaying the live feed of the board view currently in play.

Kyungsoo barely had a gist of what was going on in the board and how the piece placements and how they were moved around meant, but he could guess when Takeda and Mr. Fujiwara sitting beside him started to gasp or nod whenever a move was made.

 

Kyungsoo hardly knew anything about Go as he had quit playing the game twice now but he did know about the unwavering and unconditional support and care he had for Chanyeol.

It didn’t matter even if tomorrow Chanyeol became the lowest ranked Go player to ever exist because Kyungsoo would still believe and support him no matter what.

 

 

Kyungsoo glanced over Takeda’s shoulder to see him scribbling some characters in Japanese on a piece of paper with grid boxes.

An assistant from the association that looked almost like a high schooler, whose name Kyungsoo did not know yet was also doing the same thing.

Meanwhile, Mr. Fujiwara had his chin perched on his palm and was paying full attention and focus on the match’s live feed being televised on the screen mounted on the wall.

 

Everyone was busy doing their own thing and Kyungsoo still felt lost and clueless about what he was even doing there.

How was he, a Korean doctor in a room full of Japanese people currently observing a traditional Chinese board game?

The answer was because of Chanyeol, of course. That was Kyungsoo’s one and only reason.

 

But had it not be for Chanyeol, Kyungsoo doubt that he would have ever even broken out of his shell as a quiet antisocial recluse who preferred books over people.

Kyungsoo felt like he owed Chanyeol a lot and sometimes he even felt like he wasn’t doing enough to help Chanyeol either.

Kyungsoo did try and could only hope that it was enough at the end of the day.

 

 

 

The day did come to an inevitable end and when the clock hit six in the evening, and the timekeeper called the match to an end so the judge could begin the scoring.

Everyone in the room Kyungsoo was in began standing, arising from their seated positions and crowded the television screen as the camera was now focused on the referee counting and scoring from the pieces that were on the board and from the number of pieces that had been captured and were no longer in play.

 

Chanyeol and Maruyama were seated quietly on their respective sides of the board in silence.

Towards the final minutes of their match, neither party felt like they had the upper hand and neither felt like conceding either because they believed that they would be able to overturn the situation on the board and actually make a leap bound progress to win by a far margin.

But of course, that didn’t happen either.

 

 

The referee totaled up the scores and passed the paper around to the judges and match observers who all nodded and agreed on the results before it was formally announced.

The reporters and cameramen allowed in the match room were all also armed and ready, awaiting the news and beginning their post-match coverage.

There was total silence in not just the room Kyungsoo was in but also the room across from them that housed Maruyama’s camp, but also in the match room itself and everyone also watching the match who cared the least bit regarding Go.

 

 

 

Then, the results were announced by the referee in loud voice with a clear intonation that was perfectly articulated, announcing that the winner of the match was Maruyama of the Kansai Go association.

Maruyama pumped a fist in the air and smiled wide from ear to ear once he heard his name being announced as the winner.

Chanyeol hung his head low and balled his fists up, clutching onto the material of his trousers as he looked down upon the board in front of him that had determined him as the loser.

 

The previously quiet atmosphere was instantaneously broken by roars of cheer and joy from the room that house Maruyama’s supporters and staff.

The flashing lights of the cameras and the clicking sounds of the camera shutters all began to go off all at once in a spectacular and blinding dazzle, all of them focused upon Maruyama, the winner, while Chanyeol only sat in silence in the literal shadows.

Reporters all began approaching and huddling up near Maruyama, throwing questions at him, eager to be the one to listen to and record his post-victory statement.

 

Chanyeol remained with his head hung low, gazing upon the board and the moves that had cost him his defeat.

Chanyeol did not even want to try finding out which move had led him to his streak of defeat, or how he could have played his pieces differently because it wouldn’t change the fact that he had lost.

Chanyeol had his question answered, however, at least. His defeat had proved that maybe all his effort and practice still weren’t enough.

Takeda and Mr. Fujiwara came into the match room bustling with reporters shortly later to deal with the post-match process and to pick Chanyeol up.

Takeda helped Chanyeol to stand up, the latter having quite numb and sore feet after sitting cross-legged on the floor for hours during the match.

 

 

 

“You did well. It’s alright,” Takeda mentioned to Chanyeol over the commotion in the match room, holding Chanyeol by the arm.

Chanyeol did not say anything in return but he didn’t nod or shake his head either, allowing Takeda to lead him out of the room.

Takeda assisted Chanyeol out of the room where Kyungsoo was waiting patiently and quite anxiously by the door.

 

With a simple affirming nod and through a brief glance of the eye, Takeda didn’t have to say a single word to know that he and Kyungsoo had already come to a silent understanding and moment of solidarity.

Takeda “handed” over a stoic Chanyeol to Kyungsoo and quickly, Kyungsoo pulled Chanyeol out of the room and down the hallway where everyone passed them by either stopping for a second to look or just carrying about their business.

One news reporter present there, who was more interested in interviewing and questioning the defeated player of the match, that being Chanyeol, had attempted to run and chase after Chanyeol as he was leaving with Kyungsoo but ultimately failed to do so.

 

Kyungsoo held onto Chanyeol’s forearm, holding onto the forearm belonging to his best friend that was significantly larger than his own, holding it close to his own body as if in a reassuring and protective way to silently tell Chanyeol even without words that he was okay and that everything was alright.

 

 

 

In somber and silence, Kyungsoo walked Chanyeol back up to the latter’s hotel room, successfully avoiding any questions or anyone that wasn’t on the association’s board of staff members on the way there.

It was luck that everyone else seemed too busy or preoccupied with their own matters to notice Chanyeol, a top Go player, walking past them.

 

Chanyeol would have usually stayed behind for the post-match review even if he had lost but not after a defeat in such a large and major title match like this one.

Everyone who knew Chanyeol couldn’t believe or would be convinced that he would be able to handle the immense pressure of facing the press, contest committee or his opponent after such an unwanted defeat.

If Chanyeol was any other player, the Go association might have been persuaded but not when Chanyeol was Chanyeol.

He just wasn’t that well “equipped” unlike the regular person, but it was nothing that the association didn’t know to handle.

 

 

Mr. Fujiwara stayed behind to talk to the press on behalf of Chanyeol and their Go association to give out their messages and statements. Takeda, on the other hand, stayed behind to run a post-match review of the game together with Chanyeol’s opponent, Maruyama, on behalf of Chanyeol.

After the match had also been wrapped up, a closing ceremony dinner and official prize awarding ceremony would be held in the hotel venue before everyone left the next morning and the year’s title match was officially brought to a close.

Even in the years and times when Chanyeol had won, he would usually forego the post-match dinner to go home immediately.

Having lost this time, it was no exception and Chanyeol didn’t plan on staying another extra night in Hakone either just to listen to people tell him what he already knew and couldn’t change yet; the fact that he had lost.

Chanyeol just wanted to go home now, wherever that was.

 

 

Things were okay and alright in almost every sense but Chanyeol. The world would still live to see another day and the sun would set in a few hours in the West just like surely would every single time, day upon day.

Nothing about that would change but for Chanyeol, it almost felt like it didn’t.

In its simplest form, it was just one more loss and there were many more tournaments to come, especially for a professional player where defeat and victory were an integral part of the competitive career in Go.

And tomorrow, a new day would always come to no matter who won or lost that year’s title match. And inevitably so, the days would turn into weeks that would turn into months and soon enough, it would have been a full year and another title match would be played again here in this same venue.

Time was either man’s biggest ally or his enemy and Chanyeol could only look up to the grey pouring skies above his heard that evening, believing that he had been done for and been given the short end of the stick in the battle between man and time.

 

But for someone like Chanyeol who had put so much into winning, he could not afford to lose. But yet his biggest fear already happened and now he was left to deal with its aftermath.

 

 

Both Chanyeol and his opponent, Maruyama, were given a year to prepare for this match. They were given the same number of days and a similar amount of hours in those days.

Not one of them got more and not one of them got less.

It was all fair and square and they were both equal but that belief only led Chanyeol to think that because of it, he could actually pour in more effort and strength to finally emerge the victor of the two.

But today, Chanyeol’s effort and hard work had proven to be fruitless and he still felt like he hadn’t moved anywhere further than he had the previous year.

Chanyeol started to believe that he only thought that he could do it when the reality didn’t live up to the same level as his expectations.

 

 

 

Chanyeol may not have known a lot of things not pertaining to Go but he did know very much how much he struggled, suffered and how much effort he had put into his training and improving himself to hopefully emerge the victor of the tournament this year.

Chanyeol no longer thought of the board and the pieces, and about how he wished he could have played his pieces and moves differently.

Chanyeol only thought of himself now.

 

Was the effort he was putting into actually not enough? Had he overestimated his own capabilities by believing that he could actually do it? Was Maruyama too good of a player to even be beaten? 

Had Chanyeol finally reached the limit of his talents and skills where room for further improvement just wasn’t possible for him anymore?

 

 

Chanyeol mulled over the possibilities even if the silent thoughts in his head that only he could hear was killing him.

Chanyeol dropped to his knees, crouching upon the wet stone floor as the rain continued to drench him through his clothes and all the way to his skin, and the winds made him shiver down to his spine and bones.

Chanyeol was outside in the rain, in the hotel gardens outside his room, standing and then now crouching between some tall bamboo trees and stalks that were hardly if anything to provide him cover from the rain.

But cover and shade from the rain was not his purpose of being out there in the first place. 

 

Chanyeol watched as the leaves and the branches swayed in the wind and heard the sounds they made as they rustled and brushed against each other when blown.

It was still raining heavily outside and the wind still strong. It wasn’t a thunderstorm at least because even Chanyeol know how dangerous it would have been for him being out there in that case.

Chanyeol just felt sorrowful and like the rain was relating to his mood and feelings, even if he knew that not even the seasonal summer typhoon could even wash away the awful feeling he had about himself.

 

The rain and wind were too loud for Chanyeol to hear a light sigh from someone and the sliding glass doors from his hotel room to the gardens outside being slide open.

Chanyeol hugged himself as he maintained crouching upon the ground, looking down at the flow of draining water on the stone pathway in the middle of the garden between the swaying bamboo trees and shoots.

 

Although Chanyeol could still feel the wind on his skin and the chill of the air permeating his senses, Chanyeol could also feel how the rain hitting him from above, the rain that fell pass through the canopy of the leaves from the trees he was under suddenly stopped and seemed to dispersed.

Chanyeol looked up and behind his shoulder to see Kyungsoo standing close behind him. Kyungsoo was holding up an umbrella to cover himself and the crouching Chanyeol on the stone pathway in the middle of the garden.

With the umbrella, Kyungsoo shielded himself and Chanyeol temporarily from the rain.

 

 

“Do you want to come in now?” Kyungsoo asked gently and softly as he could without yelling but also being able to be heard above the sound of the rain and the wind. With equally gentle eyes, Kyungsoo gazed down upon Chanyeol’s crouching figure near his feet.

Chanyeol continued sulking and shook his head in refusal, looking back ahead at the scenery of the traditional Japanese garden in the rain in front of him.

“Well, I can’t let you soak in the rain either. You’ll get sick. You don’t want to get sick do you?”, Kyungsoo added, trying to convince Chanyeol to come back in.

Chanyeol shook his head to that again, adamantly refusing to listen to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo sighed innately before continuing and not relenting, “Well, you do want to go home as soon as possible, don’t you? Takeda already bought us two train tickets back to Tokyo. We leave tonight before the last train and we’ll be back at your home by midnight if you cooperate with me and start packing up now.”

 

Chanyeol took a few moments after listening to Kyungsoo before slowly getting up on his feet and towering in vertical height over Kyungsoo when he did, causing Kyungsoo to raise the umbrella several inches higher to accommodate Chanyeol’s now standing height underneath the umbrella.

Now that Kyungsoo had a good look at Chanyeol’s face up close, Kyungsoo could very well see that Chanyeol was not just literally wet from the rain but also looking very lost and distraught.

The face Chanyeol had displayed on his face looked even more lost and distraught than when he first saw Chanyeol walking alone being lost and clueless around the streets of Seoul, from a few months ago.

 

On top of that expression of lost and distraught in Chanyeol was also something else very evident, clear and bright as day, even in the late evening under the gloomy grey skies of the pouring rain.

And that was anger.

Kyungsoo would be lying if he said that he wasn’t scared of looking at Chanyeol in that state because Kyungsoo could see the silent, unexpressed and pent-up anger in Chanyeol’s face.

 

It was the fear of the unknown that Kyungsoo felt in that moment because the Chanyeol he was looking at right now seemed like a total and complete stranger to him.

Kyungsoo had just gotten used to this “new” Chanyeol, where he basically had to unlearn everything he thought he knew about the old Chanyeol who used to be his good friend in high school to get to know this adult who played Go professionally for a living.

To Kyungsoo, at that moment, it felt like there was whole another Chanyeol unlike any he had known of in front of him.

 

Chanyeol’s eyes displayed how stern he felt, he was obviously gritting through his teeth and Chanyeol was just staring off into space at the garden angrily at something unseen and unfelt by Kyungsoo.

Again, Kyungsoo felt even more like the stranger he already was in this world of professional and competitive Go.

Kyungsoo didn’t dare to speak up or say anything further as he too suddenly felt frozen up and glued to the spot on the stone pathway he stood on, feeling the hem of his pants absorbing water and getting wetter and the socks in his shoes getting moist from the splash of water.

Kyungsoo felt frozen in time, only being able to look and not blinking at a furious but silent Chanyeol, all while holding the umbrella up above their heads to keep their heads and shoulders dry.

Everything seemed to pass them by; the wind and the rain too and Chanyeol and Kyungsoo simply felt static standing there.

 

It was Chanyeol who finally broke the heavy silence between them. Chanyeol turned his head towards Kyungsoo and his expression softened up considerably but not entirely.

Chanyeol’s deep baritone voice spoke over the sound of the rain pattering off the material of the umbrella they were under, “Let’s get going. I want to be out of here as soon I can. I don’t see a purpose in staying behind further.”

Kyungsoo nodded and seemed to comply with Chanyeol, even if it was him who suggested that they should leave in the first place.

 

 

 

The rest of the evening went by quiet and was uneventful; very quiet even. Chanyeol wasn’t the type to speak much and even Kyungsoo was rendered silent as a result too.

Then again, not much words or conservation was needed because Kyungsoo and Chanyeol seemed to communicate well with each other in the silence in their own way effectively.

 

Chanyeol dried off and changed into dry clothes before he and Kyungsoo individually packed up their luggage and belongings before checking out from the hotel.

Chanyeol wanted to stop to tell someone from the Go association that he was departing to leave but couldn’t manage to find anyone who wasn’t busy and preoccupied with the post-match procedures and dinner that was taking place in the hotel.

Assuming they knew that he was leaving anyway, Chanyeol got into the taxi waiting for him outside the hotel and left for the train station together with Kyungsoo.

 

At the train station while waiting for their train back to Tokyo that would be the second last trip for the train route for the day; Kyungsoo held Chanyeol by the hand on the station’s platform while Chanyeol held a folded newspaper in one hand and read in silence.

The platform they were waiting on was rather packed due to the bad weather outside and people rushing to return to Tokyo before the weekend was over.

Despite the number of the people there rushing to and fro, the crowd was never a bother to neither Kyungsoo nor Chanyeol.

For a moment, Kyungsoo subconsciously let Chanyeol’s hand go to pick up his phone from his pocket to scroll through his messages and reply to some texts from his family and friends back in South Korea.

Chanyeol too hardly noticed that Kyungsoo had let go of his hand and subconsciously placed his hand into the front pocket of the beige coat he was wearing, while his other hand continued holding up the newspaper he was reading.

 

When Chanyeol did eventually notice it, he lifted up his head from the newspaper but instead ended up looking across at the empty train tracks awaiting the train to arrive; from where Chanyeol could see the heavy rain outside hitting the glass walls of the train station and scattering over the glass, dripping and sliding down the panes.

It was such a strange feeling for Chanyeol. It made him feel so dissociated from the world and made him feel like a singularity and an oddity among the physical crowd of people he was standing in.

 

There weren’t many professional Go players in the world in the first place. To count those at Chanyeol’s level, the number would get even lesser.

Even with those few people included, how many of them had actually been through experiences and gone through similar incidents that Chanyeol had?

The more Chanyeol pondered about it, the more he began to believe that there probably wasn’t anyone out there who would actually truly understand how it felt like to be him.

And maybe Chanyeol was right about himself feeling like the lone odd one out person who was detached and estranged from the world despite still living and being a part of it.

 

 

 

Chanyeol slept throughout the entire of just a little bit over two hours train journey back to Tokyo. He was tired, physically and mentally even more.

After two straight days of tough competition and fierce matches, Chanyeol’s mental state was wearied down even more than his body because Go was a game that required extensive thinking, planning, and usage of the mind and intellect.

 

Chanyeol took the window seat in the train, sleeping with his head pressed to the large window panes as the train sped through the tracks in the night in the rain that continued to pour relentlessly.

Chanyeol had lost and even though he had his little world shattered when he did, the rest of the world continued and moved on regardless.

Chanyeol knew this but he never wanted to be the one to carry the burden of defeat when it came around.

 

 

 

 

The following morning, back in Chanyeol’s house in Tokyo, Kyungsoo woke up early and hoped he was the earlier one of that two that morning.

When they had arrived in Tokyo the previous night, the weather was fair and clear albeit slightly cloudy. It wasn’t raining unlike in Hakone and Chanyeol had immediately gone back to sleep again once they arrived home from the train station.

Kyungsoo only stayed up a bit more before going to sleep himself. While he wasn’t as tired as Chanyeol was, Kyungsoo too was exhausted from everything that had happened too.

 

 

Kyungsoo wanted to be the one who woke up earlier that morning because he wanted to make sure that he could be watchful over Chanyeol throughout the day and while he was recuperating from his blowing loss.

During the train ride, while Chanyeol was fast asleep beside him, Takeda had called Kyungsoo to warn him to be careful and be wary over Chanyeol especially in the coming days after Chanyeol’s defeat at the tournament match.

Chanyeol was said to not be able to “take it well” and Kyungsoo was just about to experience Chanyeol’s first defeat with him alongside.

 

 

Kyungsoo’s wish didn’t quite come through because when he woke up and walked down to the living room on the first floor, he found Chanyeol already sitting there on the floor behind a table and focusing on none other than a Go board laid upon on the table.

For some reason, the sight unsettled Kyungsoo. Even if Go was supposed to be something as natural as breathing when it came to Chanyeol.

Maybe Kyungsoo was associating Go as something that had recently hurt and damper Chanyeol’s spirit, and Kyungsoo was feeling uneasy at how fast and eager Chanyeol was already diving himself back into the game in light of what had recently happened.

 

Kyungsoo approached Chanyeol in the living room, walking towards Chanyeol quietly and trying to be the least imposing he could.

“You’re up early today,” Kyungsoo commented, sitting cross-legged near the low table across from where Chanyeol was sweated.

“I can’t waste any more time. I have another match in September and that it just a few more weeks away. I have to train now,” Chanyeol answered without moving his face or head up from the Go board on the table in front of him, his hands moving fast and skillfully on the pieces.

“You do look tired. You should rest too so you can practice more effectively,” Kyungsoo tried suggesting with the intention of just wanting the best there was for Chanyeol.

“No! I can’t do that. Every moment I waste resting and doing something meaningless is an extra moment my opponent is using to be better than me,” Chanyeol stubbornly tried to reason with his own point of view. Chanyeol added, under his breath as he moved a Go piece over on the board, “I already lost so I can’t afford all that luxury.”

Kyungsoo sighed, momentarily closing his eyes, “At least get something to eat or drink. Do you want me to get anything for you?”

“You don’t have to get anything for me. I don’t need to eat or drink. That won’t help me win,” Chanyeol mentioned callously, almost disenchantingly.

“You do need to eat or at least drink you know that?” Kyungsoo stated out the obvious, feeling rather dumbfounded at how Chanyeol was composing himself.

“It’s not like you’d understand, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol seemingly confidently replied.

 

Kyungsoo had to take a deep breath and pace himself for a moment lest he too lost his patience and grew irritated at Chanyeol’s current behavior.

Kyungsoo had been patient, understanding and very accommodating towards Chanyeol’s disability and condition but this time it was none of the above.

Chanyeol was just being disillusioned and stubborn, stuck in an endless spiral of negative emotions that he himself was encouraging unto himself.

 

 

It was true that Kyungsoo could not understand or possibly fathom how Chanyeol felt, but Kyungsoo was still empathetic and tried his best to make it easier on Chanyeol in an already tough time.

Sighing, Kyungsoo got up from to the table and headed to the kitchen where he prepared a drink and heated up some food.

Kyungsoo brought out the food and drink, placing it on a tray on the table where Chanyeol was seated at.

 

“If you’re hungry, please eat or take a sip of water. Let me know if you need anything,” Kyungsoo warmly offered, sounding a bit distraught at Chanyeol’s behavior himself.

Chanyeol did not respond to that or even mutter anything of a “thanks” to Kyungsoo. Instead, Chanyeol continued practicing and studying Go with the books and the board in front of him.

Kyungsoo excused himself for a while to go back up to his room and get his phone or a book to bring back down, so he had something to do while accompanying Chanyeol practicing.

Just when Kyungsoo was returning to the living room, walking there slowly and carefully, Kyungsoo had to immediately break out in a sprint and run the rest of the way there when he heard the smashing of glass coming from where Chanyeol was.

Kyungsoo rushed into the living room, pushed through the half-opened sliding doors, where he was met with the sight of a half-eaten plate of food on the tray and broken glass and spilled water running on the table top, wetting the books upon it.

 

Kyungsoo’s wide round eyes darted up from the mess on the table to Chanyeol, who was now standing and clutching his right fist with his left hand.

It didn’t take long for Kyungsoo to notice that Chanyeol’s right fist was not just wet from the spilled water but also bleeding.

 

Kyungsoo basically skipped the rest of the distance to approach Chanyeol and try to inspect the wound on the latter’s hand.

“Let me see it,” Kyungsoo demanded.

“There’s no use,” Chanyeol retracted his hand back, refusing to let Kyungsoo, a qualified medical doctor, to do so.

“What do you mean there’s no use?” Kyungsoo pressed on, “There is a use! You need your hand to play Go don’t you?”

“I can’t do this anymore. I was the one who purposely smashed the glass open with my fist. It’s not an accident, Kyungsoo. I failed. I can’t see my family if I lose and I don’t know if I can play Go anymore. I don’t have a purpose in my life anymore,” Chanyeol sobbed dry tears.

“You do have a purpose,” Kyungsoo firmly insisted, wrestling with Chanyeol to inspect the latter’s injured hand, “Don’t you want to still win and see your family one day?”

“No,” Chanyeol muttered, giving in and letting Kyungsoo take his hand. “They’re dead, Kyungsoo. I can never see them again even if I win tens of thousands of matches. Why did no one including you tell me that they were dead and this all was pointless?”

 

Kyungsoo could only stand still in pure shock while holding Chanyeol’s bloody hand in his own, letting Chanyeol’s warm blood stain his palm and permeate the air with its metallic scent.

Chanyeol trembled and his voice croaked, “If I can’t play Go, then what do I actually have to live for now? Tell me please, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo was still silent, wondering how was he even going to respond to that.

 

 


	12. Eventuate

 

Sighing, Chanyeol pulled his bloody hand away from Kyungsoo’s grasp and walked away, headed to some drawers against a wall where he began rummaging through it for some bandages he was sure he had to wipe and wrap his bloodied hand with.

Chanyeol only blamed himself for everything that happened in his life; he believed to be due to his short-sightedness and incompetence. But maybe, Chanyeol was being too harsh and strict upon himself.

While Chanyeol could accept the shortcomings of others, he could not say the same for himself. Chanyeol held himself at a higher standard than he did for others and perhaps, Chanyeol himself was not even up to par with the standards he had subconsciously set for himself.

 

                                         

Chanyeol sat cross-legged on the wooden board floorings in front of the drawer where he messily wrapped the bandages around his injured hand, a result of him smashing the glass cup, lashing out due to frustration and anger from his recent loss.

The odds of losing were as high as that of winning, and someone had to lose so the other could win. Chanyeol knew this fact very well and although he tried very hard to not lose, he knew that he would inevitably have to end up as the loser at least once again. That was the nature of competition after all.

 

Kyungsoo too sighed and walked across the gap between them to where Chanyeol was seated on the floor near the drawers.

Kyungsoo joined Chanyeol on the floor, sitting cross-legged on the wooden floorboard as he looked upon Chanyeol who was clumsily and quite ineffectively trying to wrap the cut wounds on his hand.

 

“You know,” Kyungsoo spoke up and hinting towards Chanyeol, “I can do that for you. I didn’t go to medical school for nothing.”

Chanyeol sighed exasperatedly and let his hands full of bandages and sloppy dressings of it fall to his lap. Chanyeol shot Kyungsoo a look that the latter read to be that of a man who had given in and admitted his defeat.

Kyungsoo took the cue and took over from Chanyeol. Kyungsoo undid all the bandage dressings that Chanyeol had attempted to and made quite an incompetent job of. Then again, this wasn’t Chanyeol’s expertise. It was Kyungsoo’s.

 

Kyungsoo made Chanyeol get up to his feet and made Chanyeol walk over to the kitchen sink where Kyungsoo ran the water from the tap to clean out Chanyeol’s wound, making sure there were no more bits of small glass shards embedded in the wound. Chanyeol did smash his fist down upon a glass cup after all.

Kyungsoo considered Chanyeol to be lucky enough that there weren’t any deep cuts or anything major enough to need stitching. Kyungsoo had far worse experiences being on duty in the emergency room when it came to glass cuts.

Considering how dangerous that could have been, Kyungsoo did feel like telling off Chanyeol for doing such a reckless thing but Kyungsoo could sort of understand why Chanyeol did such a thing.

Kyungsoo could never fathom or imagine being in Chanyeol’s shoes but Kyungsoo generally had a gist of how much pain and confusion that Chanyeol was going through. Even though Kyungsoo was a bystander to Chanyeol’s struggle, it still did hurt him from that distance especially because he greatly cared for Chanyeol.

It was frustrating at times when Kyungsoo felt helpless to do something about Chanyeol’s pain, but if Kyungsoo could do the least, it was to be patient and understanding towards his good old friend. And Kyungsoo was very much so.

 

 

 

Chanyeol hissed from the sting of the cool running water on his wounded hand, flinching and instinctively trying to retract his arm away from the water. Kyungsoo, however, held a firm grip and made sure Chanyeol’s hand stayed under the water until Kyungsoo was satisfied enough that it was clean. That would have to do considering that there weren’t any saline solution for cleaning wounds available at that time.

Then, Kyungsoo skilfully and carefully dried away the wound with swabs of cotton before dressing up the wound while he and Chanyeol were seated on chairs surrounding the dining room not very far away from the kitchen.

 

“Thank you,” Chanyeol mumbled, pulling his hand back to his person once Kyungsoo announced he was done dressing up the wound.

“You’re welcome. I’ll clean up the wound again after you take a shower and before you go to bed. Try to not get it wet until then.” Kyungsoo informed, pushing the used bandages and blood-stained cotton balls onto a side of the table for disposal later on.

 

Chanyeol hung his head low, looking towards his bare feet as he rested his injured hand upon his lap, where he could feel the wound under all the bandage wrappings starting to feel sore and throbbing.

Chanyeol was trying to muster up his voice to speak as he thought of a sentence and mentally rehearsed what he wanted to say to Kyungsoo, who was sitting on the chair across from him, occupied with clearing up the first aid equipment and items.

Kyungsoo didn’t notice it at that time but if Kyungsoo had, he could surely tell just from the confused and slightly struggling expression on Chanyeol’s face, that Chanyeol wanted to and was trying to say something but just couldn’t do so.

 

Chanyeol often felt like that, whereby there were things that he wished to say but finding himself unable to speak. The words were formed in his head and thought out but somehow, Chanyeol felt as if the words he wanted to say were figuratively lodged somewhere in his throat, unable to be articulated and voiced out no matter how hard he tried or wanted to.

Even in a situation where Chanyeol was expected to speak or say something, he was unable to do so because of this.  

First, it was the unwilling silence and next, came the fear of approaching people Chanyeol wasn’t uncomfortable with because he feared they wouldn’t react well to his condition. Then, it was the excessive worrying about his behavior that he couldn’t control and onward came the preference of isolation and seclusion because it was easier that way.

And eventually, the doctors classified it with selective mutism.

 

For a while, Go was the only thing that kept Chanyeol moving on and living on. Chanyeol himself didn’t know the exact reason why he kept getting out of bed every morning to put on his suit to attend a match and play Go.

Somewhere down the road, Chanyeol realized that he wasn’t actually in love with the game. Sure, he had a passion and interest but it wasn’t driven by his love for the game. He was just good at it and decided to pursue it and ended up building his entire life around it.

So much that when Chanyeol’s name was mentioned, the first word that would come to someone’s mind was “Go”.

The foundation of what made Chanyeol the man he is was entirely built on his ability to play Go and at that time, Chanyeol felt like one of the figurative pillars that held up the person he is had been removed. Everything felt shaky and unstable now.

 

 

Kyungsoo eventually noticed from the corner of his eye, how Chanyeol looked like he was internally struggling with himself to try and say something.

Kyungsoo was bagging up the waste into a bag for disposal when he decided to initiate, to ease Chanyeol and give the latter a bit of a boost.

“Is there anything?”, Kyungsoo directed to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol nodded, fidgeting around in his seat and still looking towards his feet and the floor.

Kyungsoo continued, “Sure, what is it?”.

Chanyeol opened his mouth to speak and managed to produce a sound of the first vowel of the first word of the first sentence he had intended to say along. It was a small step but for Chanyeol it already felt like a massive leap.

Kyungsoo was fortunately, patient and understanding and that was everything all Chanyeol ever needed in a person.

“It’s ok, take your time,” Kyungsoo assured, with a soft smile to match his honest intentions.

 

Chanyeol shook his head and attempted to ball up the fist of his injured hand, then to be reminded of the pain that he couldn’t do that because of the recovering wound. Chanyeol’s head shot up and he came face to face with Kyungsoo sitting on the chair across from him.

“Kyungsoo!”, Chanyeol managed to voice out; his best friend’s name being the most probably the easiest thing to say.

“Yeah?”, Kyungsoo responded, waiting still for Chanyeol.

“I...I”, Chanyeol hesitated and looked away to the wall momentarily before averting his gaze and continuing to try and speak up.

“It’s alright,” Kyungsoo continued to assure, “Take it easy.”

 “I need to go to the association this afternoon. Can you come with me?”, Chanyeol slowly spoke, feeling very relieved once all had been said.

“Of course, when do you want to leave?” Kyungsoo was happy to comply with yet another warm smile.

Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile too and although he mumbled the rest of his answer, everything seemed less of doom and gloom already, even it was for a bit and for a while. Because Chanyeol and Kyungsoo both knew that the real storm brewing in the midst had yet to come.

 

 

Takeda called the house phone shortly later and Chanyeol answered the phone but quickly passed the receiver on to Kyungsoo who was conveniently standing nearby.

Kyungsoo spoke to Takeda over the phone on Chanyeol’s behalf, who was concerned about Chanyeol’s welfare and his personal condition due to losing the match that was just yesterday. In retrospective, it did feel like quite a while ago because of how much that had happened in between them.

From Takeda, Kyungsoo was informed that Chanyeol had to go to the association headquarters that afternoon, just like Chanyeol had mentioned that he had to earlier on. It was routine after every match for the player to have a meeting with the association president and a few other people on the association’s board.

For a Go player, a loss didn’t mean work was over yet. There was still lots more things to do for the many years to come in a professional Go player’s career.

Of all the people, Chanyeol would know that fact very well, but he couldn’t help but feel like his entire life had come crashing down in front of his eyes yesterday when he saw the pieces on the Go board that had cost him his defeat. How Chanyeol wished that he had played the pieces differently but hindsight was always 20/20.

 

 

 

Like promised, Kyungsoo walked with Chanyeol down to the association’s building and avoided the path with the fierce dog in the yard. Kyungsoo knew better now.

It was sweltering and humid that mid-August afternoon. The rain had let up overnight and although summer was supposed to be the rainy season in Japan, there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky that afternoon.

There were only clear blue skies, the stiffness of the humid air and the sounds of the familiar summer cicadas that only came out during the hottest hours, creaking somewhere in the yard.

Kyungsoo was sitting in a large traditional looking room complete with bamboo mats and sliding doors. The room was neatly arranged with many Go boards but no one was there and playing that time. Kyungsoo was told to wait there and found a small table fan which he turned on to keep himself cool. To ease some of the humidity in the room, Kyungsoo had slide the doors open, which led to a verandah and the view of the courtyard below.

 

 

 

Chanyeol was having the meeting in another room with the association’s president, Takeda and a few other people whom Kyungsoo barely recognized but he assumed to be of importance in the Go association because of how they dressed and how refined they looked.

Almost everyone in the Go association dressed smartly and impeccably well, even in the heat of the summer. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, would rather be caught dead than wearing a tie in such weather.

Seniority was often determined by age and experience, and it wasn’t a surprise that almost everyone who holds a position of such regard in the Go association was middle-aged and had greying hair.

Kyungsoo felt that it wasn’t very much different than when he was serving his mandatory two years in the military. It was always the older men who sent out the younger men out to perform duties on behalf of everyone else. Sometimes, even to their deaths.

 

 

It did hit Kyungsoo at that moment, under the dripping sweat on his forehead and the stale hot air, that Go may not be warfare or the military but it was about the same thing.

All these men and women gave their precious time and in a lot of cases even their entire lives to the game, that they continued to fight for until the day came when they weren’t able to do so anymore.

The only circumstances that made a Go player retire were extreme health issues or old age, that was inevitable and bound to happen to every living being.

The other circumstance, the most painful and feared one, was being unable to progress further in Go. That was the figurative death of a Go player while still being very much alive. Often, a Go player would be faced with a wall that was the limits of their ability to play the game, and if they were unable to pass that wall to progress, they were as good as dead.

The honorable option was to retire while still being at their best and sometimes, there were those who kept pushing forward but only ended up slipping further down due to the competitive nature of the game.

 

Chanyeol feared that he might have hit his wall when it was the hardest to overcome. In the previous years when Chanyeol was at a lower level than he was today, the wall itself was lower and easier to overcome.

Now, being one of the very top of Go players, the wall set for himself was extremely high and Chanyeol wasn’t sure if he could pass it through this time.

Chanyeol had been so confident and sure of himself, that the fall would only hit him harder if it happened.

 

 

Once the meeting was adjourned and Chanyeol was allowed to leave, Chanyeol politely bowed and excused himself from the room. Chanyeol then proceeded to walk down the hallways of the Go association’s building to meet up with Kyungsoo whom he knew was waiting in the room used for training and playing Go.

Chanyeol had walked down these halls many times, more than he could even count or imagine. He knew every floorboard that would creak under weight and which one was notoriously slippery. Chanyeol could memorize the number of steps and how long it would take him to move from the meeting room to the training room.

But that day, the walk felt long and heavy even if it was no different than all the other times Chanyeol had come the same way.

 

The victory trophies and medals were lined up in glass shelves along the wall, along with the framed pictures of the previous victors, looking proud and happy at their moment were all plastered and lined up along the length of the hallway.

Some of the trophies and pictures belonged to Chanyeol but then, it only served to weigh him down even more.

Chanyeol could only question himself why he was unable to repeat his success when it was proven in the past that he was fully capable of it.

It only hurt because Chanyeol had tried very hard and done his best, but yet his efforts weren’t translated in the way he wanted to.

 

 

Without realizing it, Chanyeol had stopped in front of a shelf that held the trophies and framed pictures of his now deceased mentor, the person whom Chanyeol aspired to be and looked up to.

When Chanyeol unknowingly gazed upon the previous achievements, did Chanyeol feel like a complete and utter failure at the only thing he thought he was good at. Chanyeol had felt that he too failed at being the player he wanted to be, despite thinking that he was so close to it.

Above all, Chanyeol was very scared of losing the only thing he had build his entire life around.

 

Chanyeol’s tears fell unwillingly, even when he tried to hold it back. Chanyeol hung his head and he could see from behind his blurry eyes, how the tears stained the front of his beige dress shirt. It felt near tragic.

Upon realizing that Kyungsoo had probably been waiting for him for a while now, Chanyeol quickly wiped up his tears with the back of his hand and the collar of his shirt. Chanyeol also made a quick detour to the men’s washroom to make sure his eyes weren’t too red or sore from all the crying.

The last thing Chanyeol would want to do now was to make Kyungsoo even more worried about him than he already was. Chanyeol didn’t want to be a trouble or bother to Kyungsoo, whom he was very thankful beyond any words for how accommodating Kyungsoo had been towards him.

Kyungsoo was one of the last things or people that Chanyeol felt he had and he wasn’t set on losing Kyungsoo, even when he felt his career running like loose sand between his fingers.

 

 

Chanyeol stepped into the spacious and now airy room that Kyungsoo was waiting in, thanks to Kyungsoo opening the doors to the courtyard and the fan that the latter had blowing around.

Kyungsoo was sitting on a pillow on the floor near the verandah, occasionally going through his phone and looking towards outside when Chanyeol entered.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo greeted, nodding towards Chanyeol.

Chanyeol pressed his lips together to form a thin smile before walking towards Chanyeol and sitting on the empty pillow beside Kyungsoo, his back against the wall.

Chanyeol crossed his legs together and habitually, he would look towards the floor or ground instead of looking ahead or towards the other person.

 

“Is everything alright?” Kyungsoo inquired, turning his head slightly towards Chanyeol sitting to his left.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol answered lowly, still choosing to look at the floor instead.

Kyungsoo noticed it and although he hesitated to bring it up, he thought that it would be better to talk about it than leaving it be, “You were crying, weren’t you?”

Chanyeol lightly nodded, affirming Kyungsoo’s observation.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Kyungsoo offered Chanyeol the chance to speak in a safe and non-judgemental environment.

 

Upon hearing the comforting and welcoming words from Kyungsoo, it felt like a dam had broken and was now spilling out from within.

There was no feeling of something stuck in his throat that prevented him from talking nor was there the feeling of the fear of his feelings being invalidated.

“I failed, Kyungsoo. I tried so hard but I still failed. I’m so frustrated when I put so much into it. I thought I was good and that I could it but it was all wrong,” Chanyeol managed between his sobs, pressing his hands to his face and effectively smearing his tears all over his complexion.

Kyungsoo kept quiet and let Chanyeol pour his heart out, giving Chanyeol the opportunity to speak especially considering how little Chanyeol often spoke.

Instead, Kyungsoo placed an arm around Chanyeol’s shoulder, holding Chanyeol close so he wouldn’t feel too adrift and lost.

“Why can’t I do it? I tried and did everything that I was supposed to but I still failed. Why am I unable to do what others can? I am so tired, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol continued to pour his heart out, his words flowing without hesitation, only slightly hitching because of the sobbing and tears.

 

Kyungsoo only let go of Chanyeol to reach in his pocket for his small packet of tissue paper, which he opened up and handed over to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol did not refuse and used his uninjured hand to pull out a piece of tissue to wipe his eyes with.

“It’s alright, take as much as you need,” Kyungsoo continued to assure.

“Thank you very much,” Chanyeol expressed his voice clearer and smooth now as he pulled out more pieces of tissue paper from the blue plastic packaging.

 

Kyungsoo returned his arm to wrap around Chanyeol’s shoulder, holding his best friend firmly and close to remind Chanyeol that he was always there, even if not through verbal means.

Chanyeol began laughing, an expression that he thought had completely left him since the accident years ago. Chanyeol also began feeling the same envious feeling he used to harbor towards Kyungsoo for being smarter and better in school than him, one he would always joke with Kyungsoo about.

It was so sad that Chanyeol began to feel comical about it. How was this even possible and how had he ended up in it, Chanyeol wondered.

 

“I wish I was as smart and well learned as you, then maybe I wouldn’t be going through this,” Chanyeol confided in between his laughter and tears. “I always wanted to be smart like you.”

“-and I always wanted to be as confident and outgoing like you,” Kyungsoo commented, staring outside towards the courtyard covered in green, realizing his own flaws too.

Chanyeol continued laughing, drowning the loud sounds of the summer cicadas creaking outside with his voice, “I guess we can’t have everything, can we?”

“I guess not,” Kyungsoo replied, monotonously, knowing he was not perfect and free of flaws either, knowing he could have very well been in Chanyeol’s shoes albeit in different circumstances.

 

Chanyeol’s hand dropped limp to his sides and Kyungsoo too dropped his arm from around Chanyeol’s shoulder.

There was a short moment and pause of silence, where both Kyungsoo and Chanyeol looked away from each other in opposite directions. Even the sounds of the fan motor spinning and the ever loud cicadas outside could not drown out the silence that was between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol.

 

“You know, I failed once at something I thought I was good at too,” Kyungsoo admitted, breaking the silence.

Chanyeol turned his head slightly towards Kyungsoo who was still looking away, towards the view outside.

Kyungsoo continued, staring outside blankly, “It was in the first year of medical school. I was struggling in one particular foundation unit that would be crucial for the rest of my studies. I was doing so bad at it that I even considered switching majors to make things easier for me, even if it meant forsaking my dream to become a doctor. I thought to myself that if I couldn’t do a basic foundation course, how was I going to survive through the following years and more specialized studies?”

Kyungsoo sighed, turning his head to the side to look at Chanyeol with an equally tired expression on his eyes that matched that of Chanyeol. It was the look of two men who had been through a lot and somehow survived to tell the tale today.

“Do you want to know how bad it was?” Kyungsoo asked before immediately answering himself, “It was so bad that I needed to score 230% more than my current marks to pass the class…and here you are telling me I’m smart,” Kyungsoo chuckled to himself at the recollection.

“-so, how did you do it?” Chanyeol asked, his voice low.

Kyungsoo sighed and answered, “I figured that I must have been doing something wrong because no matter how hard I tried, I kept getting further from what I wanted. So, I decided to start with the basics. I was even reading through middle school textbooks and slowly went up from there. Somehow, I managed to pass through the skin of my teeth but it taught me a good lesson. I too was very confident in my abilities like you but I still failed. You have to learn to walk first before you can run after all.” Kyungsoo then gazed off further into the distance.

 

Chanyeol was quiet as he tried to process what Kyungsoo had just told him. It was easy for Chanyeol to believe his best friend’s words but it was hard for Chanyeol to accept that if Kyungsoo was right, it meant that Chanyeol was doing something wrong.

Admitting one’s fault was one of the hardest things to do and although it bruised Chanyeol’s ego to admit that even a top professional player like him was still making mistakes, he would never overcome that wall unless he took the first step to admit his faults.

 

“What do you think I should do then?” Chanyeol asked Kyungsoo.

“Well, I don’t know much about Go so I can’t tell you exactly where to start but you can try like how you started,” Kyungsoo suggested.

Chanyeol recalled, “I started Go by playing against people older and better than me. Then I taught the people around me, like you, to play Go because teaching others also helped me learn and improve.”

“We’ll start from there then.” Kyungsoo grinned, giving the Chanyeol the boost of confidence to start somewhere.

“I have to have a goal too, right?” Chanyeol questioned, slightly bending nearer to Kyungsoo sitting at his side where their clothed shoulders began to brush against each other.

“That helps,” Kyungsoo responded.

“I don’t necessarily want to be the best player out there but I do want to be a better player than I was,” Chanyeol confided.

“That’s something you can look forward to then,” Kyungsoo stated, chins up and now facing Chanyeol to his left. “Do you want to do anything now?”

“I’ll go talk to Takeda before we leave. I want to talk to him about coaching for the summer camp later this week. I think that would be good for me and I want to borrow some books from the library here before we go too,” Chanyeol replied, getting up to his feet from the pillow he was sitting on.

“Do you want me to talk to Takeda for you?” Kyungsoo offered, still seated on the floor and looking up at Chanyeol.

“No, it’s alright. I can do it myself,” Chanyeol stated.

 

Chanyeol walked off, temporarily leaving Kyungsoo alone in that room again. But the fact that Chanyeol could do it alone made Kyungsoo happy nonetheless, leaving him beaming and smiling alone in the room.

It was a small step forward that Chanyeol himself probably didn’t realize he was making. There were still some things to be handled that had been put temporarily put aside, including that of how Chanyeol was going to fully accept his mother and sister’s death now that he seemingly knew they were gone.

 

For the first time that day, Kyungsoo felt a cool breeze blow pass by at the verandah, after the air being so hot and stagnant the entire day.

Kyungsoo enjoyed the wind on his face and noticed how he felt rather fulfilled for Chanyeol but yet empty for himself at the same time.

Right then and there, Kyungsoo realized that unlike Chanyeol who had Go to live and look forward to, Kyungsoo didn’t have anything similar to that in his life.

Kyungsoo didn’t particularly love his job as a doctor. He only felt settled at it because he thought that was what he wanted, only because he had spent many years and countless effort pursuing it. And along the way, Kyungsoo had lost so much, especially in terms of his relationship with others; a mistake that Kyungsoo was still trying to undo today.

 

It wasn’t till Kyungsoo met Chanyeol again did he realize that he wasn’t exactly living his best life either. Kyungsoo only thought he was.

 

Kyungsoo never “lost” the old Chanyeol he used to know. His old friend was always there with him. It was Kyungsoo who had lost himself somewhere along the lines.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t realize what it was he really wanted, not until he was with Chanyeol again.

It sounded slightly farfetched but it felt like Kyungsoo’s place was right there, beside Chanyeol.

 

 

 


	13. Abstraction

 

Kyungsoo stood in front of a tall shelf that in turn was between rows of similar shelves, almost twice his height, with his back slightly hunched forward, never being the one to always have good posture anyway.

Kyungsoo had his nose inside a book, flipping through the crusty white pages and skimming through the printed words.

Kyungsoo noticed someone walking towards him, presumably to browse through the book selections too, as he was in a bookshop after all. Kyungsoo straightened his back, standing up straight and pretended to not look too bored, as the newcomer stood directly behind Kyungsoo to find a book.

 

Kyungsoo was there to accompany Chanyeol, who had gone off on his own in another part of the bookshop to look for the books he needed.

Chanyeol had taken up Kyungsoo’s suggestion to start from the basics again and Chanyeol had wanted to buy a beginner book on Go, believing that the newer books would probably have new strategies and tactics that Chanyeol might have known of.

Kyungsoo had no idea if that was true or not, but he was more than glad to go along with Chanyeol.

 

 

 

The bookshop itself was located in another district in Tokyo, not far from where Chanyeol lived but far enough that they had to take a train to get there. It was just a six minutes subway ride at most anyway.

Kyungsoo was a bit anxious at first to venture through metropolitan Tokyo in the peak of tourist season together with Chanyeol. This was because Kyungsoo spoke no Japanese and had no clue on how to navigate the Tokyo streets.

Kyungsoo was scared of getting lost and ending up not knowing how to talk to the people there. While Kyungsoo wasn’t scared of that because of himself, he was scared of feeling like he couldn’t protect or help Chanyeol if the situation happened to them.

But Kyungsoo did admit that he was probably worrying too much or underestimating how much Chanyeol had improved since then.

Sure, Chanyeol was probably too quiet, but he was by no means incapable.

 

 

In fact, Kyungsoo was pleased to find that he was proven wrong that day.

It was hot like it was almost everyday that Kyungsoo had been there. It was shady, at least, when they walked on the path between the buildings in the shopping district they had arrived in. The sun was obscured behind the skyscrapers that made up the city’s skyline and Kyungsoo still felt surreal to be around so many people at one place.

Kyungsoo swore he hadn’t seen so many people all at once until he visited Tokyo’s famed Asakusa shopping district, especially on a summer break holiday. Despite the crowd, everyone walked mannerly, minding about their business and not posing trouble to others, as was the local culture’s etiquette.

Apart from the excitement and surrealism of being in a new place that only existed on the internet or television, Kyungsoo was hit by the sudden fear that he was “helpless” should there be anything to happen to him or Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo couldn’t read the Japanese signs and he had no idea where they were headed to. Chanyeol only said that they would be going to a bookshop, and then there was the suffocating humidity in the air that set off all the triggers to make Kyungsoo feel uncomfortable and restless.

 

 

Kyungsoo stopped in his tracks, his feet figuratively frozen to the ground in the middle of a busy pedestrian intersection between tall shopping buildings plastered with massive billboards, with literally hundreds of people walking to and from their destination.

Kyungsoo gasped and stopped to catch his breath but he wasn’t able to do so either because he immediately felt a big, warm and familiar hand wrapped in bandages, grabbing his own hand and holding him strong and securely.

Kyungsoo looked up and saw Chanyeol, standing tall among the moving crowd. Chanyeol smiled and led Kyungsoo through, “It’s ok, I got you. Follow me.”

This was the old Chanyeol that Kyungsoo always knew. That Chanyeol never left, he was always there hidden under the sadness and silence, just waiting to be pulled back.

 

Kyungsoo felt like he had been swept off his feet at that moment. Kyungsoo felt slightly secured and less afraid that he would be helplessly lost in the concrete jungle because Chanyeol was and always had been there for him.

Kyungsoo felt that he was maybe wrong to underestimate Chanyeol, but Kyungsoo also felt that he was maybe right to say that he was falling in love.

 

 

Kyungsoo sighed to himself as he pretended to be interested in the book that was in his hand as he stood in front of that tall bookshelf in the bookshop, whilst waiting for Chanyeol.

At least it was air-conditioned inside the bookshop and that relieved Kyungsoo a little bit from the heat outside. Although the sun barely reached from behind the buildings, the heat radiating off the asphalt was a different story and Kyungsoo had been walking enough that day to know.

Despite that, Kyungsoo still somewhat felt flushed especially in the face and neck, be it either from the heat or realizing that he was slowly falling for his best friend.

Kyungsoo felt embarrassed even if towards himself, and upon knowing that fact, Kyungsoo also realized that he didn’t even understand what was written on the book in his hands.

Kyungsoo had mindlessly picked the book up without even knowing what it was about, simply because he felt like he needed to do so because of how restless his thoughts made him feel. Kyungsoo wasn’t even sure what exactly he was feeling, but he knew it felt quite thrilling and scary all at the same time.

The red hardcover book that Kyungsoo had picked up was written in Japanese characters. The cover was plain and only presumably read the title and the author’s name, Kyungsoo deduced from his non-existent Japanese reading skills.

 

Realizing that too was rather embarrassing of him, Kyungsoo returned the book properly on its spot back on the shelf before walking away to the section of the bookstore, where he thought Chanyeol would be at.

Sure enough, Kyungsoo found Chanyeol towards the back of the bookstore with walls that were painted a pristine white, making the place look brighter under the lighting.

Chanyeol was squatting on the floor as he was sifting through a stack of books that were placed on the floor.

“Found the book you wanted?” Kyungsoo gestured towards Chanyeol.

“Yeah, I think I almost got it,” Chanyeol answered, his concentration on looking for the book, unbroken.

“Sure, take your time,” Kyungsoo turned to the side to look at some stack of books, giving time for Chanyeol to go about his book search.

 

Kyungsoo’s attention was immediately grabbed by one particular book with a glossy and illustrated cover that came in bold highlighting colors.

The title of the book was noticeably in English, something that Kyungsoo actually understood, not much but a tons better than his Japanese at least.

“Learn Japanese” Kyungsoo read out the title of the book under his breath as Chanyeol continued flipping through the pages of the book to find the right one he wanted.

 

It was either a very lucky coincidence or the universe just wanted to scream onto Kyungsoo’s face about out what was running in his mind at that moment.

Feelings for Chanyeol aside, there was another major thing that Kyungsoo couldn’t stop thinking about. Like his feelings, it was something new and potentially exciting but also scary at the same time. For now, Kyungsoo chose to suppress those thoughts and carry on as usual.

 

 

There was a rather long line at the bookshop’s cashier counter and while waiting in the line, Kyungsoo saw how Chanyeol began to act more disoriented and avoidant, lowering his head from other people and keeping his distance from everyone but Kyungsoo.

If it wasn’t enough evidence that Chanyeol was getting uncomfortable and anxious by the minute, Chanyeol was now gripping onto Kyungsoo’s hand very tight like his life depended on it.

It felt different this time. It didn’t feel like the hand that was leading him earlier on and like when they were still teenagers. It felt like the hand that Kyungsoo had to lead around this time.

Kyungsoo had a hard time adjusting to this fact a few months ago but he too was also happy that he could be of help to Chanyeol now, in the same way that Chanyeol had been helpful to him.

They were both equal, Kyungsoo truly believed as he held Chanyeol’s hand back, with a reassuring, “Don’t worry. I got you.”

 

 

 

Later in the afternoon, Chanyeol left for the Go association’s headquarters to help Takeda manage the annual summer camp, whereby people would sign up for the month-long program to learn and practice how to play Go with seasoned professionals and veterans.

Kyungsoo had wanted to accompany Chanyeol at first, despite knowing that he wouldn’t be the slightest bit helpful in helping run a summer camp for Go players.

Kyungsoo only wanted to do so because he was unsettled at leaving Chanyeol alone, but then, Kyungsoo realized that was yet again underestimating Chanyeol’s capabilities. Sure, Chanyeol needed more help than the average adult did, but Chanyeol still managed to get by all these years if that meant anything.

This was pertaining to Go, after all, and it was something Chanyeol was very good at.

Kyungsoo chose to stay home and he knew it was because that he trusted Chanyeol.

 

 

The Go summer camp took place every year in the month of August and would be attended by people of all ages from all around Japan and sometimes even from abroad.

The Kansai Go Association, based in Osaka, also held their summer camp around this time and like the two association’s long healthy rivalry, they also competed in getting more people to join their summer camp rather than the other.

 

While Takeda was the camp counselor almost every year, Chanyeol stopped attending to help manage the camp around four years ago after the tragic car accident. The Japan titular Go match was also held in the summer every year, and even when Chanyeol used to come by to help with the camp, he could only periodically drop by every now and then because he was mostly busy practicing and training for the match.

This year, Chanyeol had lost to Maruyama. The previous year, Chanyeol had won against Maruyama. It was almost like a vicious cycle, year after year, mimicking life.

 

 

Even in the peak of summer, Takeda was still dressed in his stiff collared shirt and tie, although he had ditched the suit aside this time.

Takeda was seated near two teenagers who were attending the camp, teaching the two teenagers who were in a mock match against each other, on how to properly advance their pieces and strategize.

Everyone in the room sat on the bamboo mat covered floor on the provided seat pillows, with the Go table low on the floor in front of them. On the walls in the Go training room, traditional ink paintings with calligraphy were hung with motivational phrases to remind the players that they were there to grow and nurture.

Go, especially in the higher competitive levels, could be rather stressful even for someone who truly loved the game. The competition was tough and a player would have to continuously improve themselves with no room to ever feel comfortable and settled with their standings.

But despite that, the association heavily emphasized on positive and welcoming growth to not only further hone a player’s ability but to also grow their individual character as a person. Personal character was equally as important as skills and a successful Go player would need both.

That was mainly one of the reasons why Chanyeol was able to stay within the association and continue playing Go for as long as he did, despite the setbacks that had happened to him.

But somehow, Chanyeol still felt like he was just missing one more thing before he could say that he had achieved the idealization of a successful Go player.

 

 

 

Apart from Takeda and the two teenagers he was teaching, there were a few other advanced Go players there, also teaching Go to the other camp attendees.

The air-conditioner was turned on in the room, the motors whirring and blowing cold air. The air-conditioner was rarely ever turned on unless there was large gathering in the Go training room. The association’s president, Mr. Fujiwara, was rather stringent with the electricity bills and everyone in the association knew that fact very well.

 

Despite the twenty or so people in the training room, the room was rather quiet. Above the sounds of the air-conditioner continuously pumping cold air into the room; there were the sounds of the Go pieces clinking and sliding on the board, the sounds of light murmurs from the instructor’s teaching, the sounds of someone shifting on their seat pillow and then there was the sound of the door being slid open.

Takeda looked up from the Go board he was observing to see Chanyeol by the door with some books under his arm. Chanyeol’s eyes scanned the room until he found Takeda sitting somewhere in the middle of the room. Chanyeol then silently stared at Takeda from afar, and Takeda knew that it was his cue to get up and go to Chanyeol.

 

“Excuse me. You two go on without me. I’ll be back,” Takeda excused himself, getting up from the floor and striding across the room to meet Chanyeol, standing by the door.

Takeda reached the other end of the room and stood by Chanyeol, being towered over by Chanyeol by a good six inches or so. Takeda stepped outside from the room, his socked feet moving from floors covered with bamboo mats to smooth polished wooden floorboards.

Takeda slowly slid the door shut again into its frame, quiet and gentle.

 

“Is there anything? I don’t recall that you have to come in today or am I mistaken?” Takeda questioned, standing in the hallway outside the training room with Chanyeol.

“I just-“ Chanyeol paused, pressing his lips together and looking over Takeda’s shoulder instead of facing Takeda directly.

Takeda inhaled and waited. Like Kyungsoo, they were both very patient when it came to Chanyeol. In fact, Takeda could begin to see how many personal similarities he had with Kyungsoo, and it made him easier understand why Chanyeol seemed to gravitate to the both of them.

Takeda had always reminded Chanyeol of Kyungsoo in all the years they had been apart.

“I just came to by to say that I want to help with the summer camp,” Chanyeol managed to convey, albeit slowly and with slight interruptions.

“What?” Takeda was almost surprised.

“I want to help with the camp,” Chanyeol reiterated, thinking that Takeda’s reaction was because his message did not come across.

“No, I heard you the first time. I’m sorry, I was just startled that you said you would want to help with the camp. Aren’t you busy training for the intra-tournament three weeks from now?” Takeda tried to understand.

“I was training by myself but I decided that I want to try something new to help me prepare for the tournament. So, I wanted to try teaching because I know that I can learn from that too,” Chanyeol explained, supporting the books under his arm with his other hand too.

“I see,” Takeda pondered on the thought, tapping a finger on his chin.

Chanyeol waited eagerly for an answer from Takeda, feeling a little bit excited at the prospect.

“Actually, we have enough help for today and for the next two weeks especially because the student players are on their summer break and can help with the camp. I don’t think I can fit you in but I know a place that could use your help,” Takeda grinned, feeling somewhat victorious.

“Sure, what is it that I can help with?” Chanyeol quickly asked this time, finding the words coming to his mouth easier this time.

“If you recall, I return to my hometown every year to help manage a Go event,” Takeda hinted.

“Yes, I do remember, because you go away for a while and Mr. Fujiwara makes Nakagawa fill in for you during the time. I remember because Nakagawa always forgets that I don’t like wearing the black suit for my matches, but he always sends that for me to wear anyway,” Chanyeol answered.

Takeda nodded, “Well, I will be returning to my hometown next week and you can come with me this year since your match won’t be until after I’m supposed to return anyway. It’s a bit like the summer camp too but we do things slightly different since it’s a community event. I’m sure the townsfolk would like to have you around.”

“Do I get to teach if I go?” Chanyeol asked.

“Of course, you get to do more than that too,” Takeda affirmed, “-oh and you can bring Kyungsoo too if he wants to come.”

 

That was enough for Chanyeol to decide and to seal the deal that he would most certainly be coming with Takeda to the latter’s hometown, which he had no idea where it was, even after knowing Takeda for almost a decade now.

If Kyungsoo felt like he had lost so much in the past fourteen years, Chanyeol surely felt that he had gained nothing at all.

And like Kyungsoo, Chanyeol was trying to make up for all those years too, even if he was starting at a later point.

 

 

 

Back in Chanyeol’s house, Kyungsoo was sitting in the traditional living room while he waited for Chanyeol to return. The house that Chanyeol inherited from his deceased mentor was large enough to have a traditional-styled living room as well as a modern one with couches and a television.

Kyungsoo chose to sit in the traditional living room because he could slide open the doors that led outside to the garden and the koi pond, that was trickling with water from the automated circulation system.

It was cooler like this too because there was an occasional wind that blew just over the water in the pond, cooling the air when it reached Kyungsoo in the living room.

Kyungsoo had just gotten off the phone after checking up on Sehun, who was housesitting Kyungsoo’s apartment until the end of the next week.

 

The past three weeks had gone by too fast and now it was only a week left before Kyungsoo’s month-long holiday was over, and he was due to return to South Korea and resume his duties as a doctor.

That was supposedly the life path that Kyungsoo had wanted and worked so hard for. Despite achieving all that, Kyungsoo couldn’t stop feeling too reluctant to part with Chanyeol again, him being to leave this time.

 

 

But being there with Chanyeol in a foreign land also made Kyungsoo realize that he wanted something else instead. Being with Chanyeol was high up there on the list.

For now, Kyungsoo was still deciding whether it was just a whim of the moment kind of thing, or if what he felt was really what he wanted all along.

Kyungsoo’s excitement at the prospect of something new in his life was quickly buried by the dreadful feeling of having one week left in Japan, which also meant one more week left with Chanyeol.

This time, Kyungsoo wasn’t sure when he could see Chanyeol again. Sure, he could call and email Chanyeol but it wasn’t the same thing especially when he had fourteen years of separation to make up for.

 

Instead, Kyungsoo chose to distract himself from the feeling by being occupied with the book he had bought from the bookstore earlier that day. Kyungsoo sat with his back to a wall near the open sliding doors, with a pen in his right hand and the book in his left hand.

It was a beginner’s book to learn the basics of the Japanese language with and Kyungsoo knew now why he had a strong feeling to pick up and buy the book.

If he wanted to be with Chanyeol in Japan, he would have to learn the language to assimilate. In buying the book, Kyungsoo felt like he was making a step towards achieving his want, albeit a small one.

It wasn’t just a book, it was a manifestation of Kyungsoo’s subconscious desire that he was still deciding whether he truly wanted or otherwise.

 

 

Kyungsoo repeated the pronunciation of the vowels to himself as he practiced writing the basic hiragana characters, drawing along the lines that had been prepared for in the book.

Kyungsoo had only learned writing and partially memorized about six characters when he saw a glimpse of Chanyeol approaching him from the distance.

The sliding doors that led to the garden from the traditional living room were an alternative entrance to the house, that required one to pass through the garden instead of walking directly on the driveway to the front door.

 

“Welcome back,” Kyungsoo greeted once Chanyeol was close enough and within earshot.

“I’m home,” Chanyeol replied and bent down to place his books onto the elevated floorboards of the house before sitting himself down on the wooden floor beside Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo noticed that Chanyeol was no longer wearing bandages or a bandaid on his injured hand, although he had been earlier this morning.

Kyungsoo could see that the cuts had covered up since then and the wound had formed a protective scab over the skin, that was yet to crust and peel off.

“How’s your hand?” Kyungsoo noted, putting the book down to his lap

“It’s okay. It only hurts if I touch it,” Chanyeol responded, lifting his hand and looking at it too.

“As a doctor, I can tell you to not touch it then,” Kyungsoo chuckled, joking around with Chanyeol.

Chanyeol lightly chuckled in return too, observing his hand, “My nails are getting longer though. I like to have short nails for better grip on the Go pieces.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Kyungsoo agreed, “I have to have short clean nails all the time too for surgeries and medical procedures too.”

“I can’t cut the nails on my other hand because I need to use the injured hand for that,” Chanyeol pointed out, viewing the fingernails on his hand.

“I can help you,” Kyungsoo almost immediately offered, “I can do it now. Do you have a nail clipper?”

“Yes, I’ll go get it,” Chanyeol answered, lifting himself up from the floor and walking away, going further into the house.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo crossed his legs together and looked outside to the garden as he waited for Chanyeol to come back.

 

 

Chanyeol went over to the long corridor that led up to the staircase to the second floor. There, was a tall stack of drawers that had been there even before he moved in. The drawers had been used to store almost all of the odd bits and pieces of items around the house that did not seem like it fit elsewhere.

It was habit and trait that Chanyeol had picked up from his former mentor.

There was almost everything from paper fans to old remote controls stashed away in the drawer. Chanyeol was sure that he had stuffed the nail clipper somewhere in there from the last time he was using it.

Chanyeol did manage to find the nail clipper in the second drawer he looked into. However, he also found something else he thought he had forgotten about, or rather intentionally wanted to forget about.

Chanyeol picked up the rectangular object that he had stored away towards the back of the drawer compartment. Chanyeol probably had seen and held it in the past five years but chosen to ignore it.

The object felt heavy in his hand and Chanyeol didn’t remember it to weigh this much, or maybe that was just a feeling he had because the memory sure did sit heavy in his heart.

 

Nonetheless, Chanyeol placed the object onto the top of the drawer, making sure it stood straight and upright. Chanyeol did not want to hide it anymore. It deserved to be out there.

Chanyeol barely understood himself and why he was like “that”. There wasn’t anything that he could do now to change the fact and maybe one day, he would at least be brave enough to sit down and talk about it to someone else.

 

 

Chanyeol promptly returned to Kyungsoo with the nail clippers, after making the trip down memory lane at the stack of drawers.

Kyungsoo made Chanyeol rest his hand on the latter’s lap so Kyungsoo was able to cut the nails on Chanyeol’s fingers. Although Kyungsoo only needed to help with Chanyeol’s opposite hand, he decided that he might as well help Chanyeol trim the fingernails on all ten digits.

 

Kyungsoo was bent over his own cross-legged lap with his glasses sliding down his nose so he could look closer at Chanyeol’s nails and carefully trim the nails.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, could only sit down and stay put to make Kyungsoo’s job easier. With nothing to do, Chanyeol’s eyes began to wander and he did spot the “Learn Japanese” book that Kyungsoo had put aside.

“Oh, you are learning Japanese,” Chanyeol noted.

“Yeah, it’s easy so far but I’m only at a toddler’s level so there’s that,” Kyungsoo commented, continuing to carefully clip away Chanyeol’s nails.

“You’ll learn fast in an environment where people speak it and when you need it to get by. It practically forces you to learn the language. That’s how I started learning it too when I came here. My former mentor did not speak any other language. It was a tough time but I survived somehow,” Chanyeol recalled.

“So you are saying that if I live here, I’ll be good at it,” Kyungsoo deduced.

“Yup,” Chanyeol replied, leaning his back slightly backward to give Kyungsoo more room.

“It’s funny that you say that because I-“ Kyungsoo was interrupted by Chanyeol, however, and did not manage to complete his sentence.

Chanyeol interjected, “-Kyungsoo, do you want to come with me to Takeda’s hometown? We’ll leave the day after tomorrow. Since you’re going back next week and haven’t been around much because I’ve been busy, I thought that it would be good if you got to see another place before you went home.”

“Where is it?” Kyungsoo looked up to face Chanyeol, momentarily pausing at what he was doing.

“It’s a small city called Matsumoto in the Nagano prefecture. Takeda said that it would be about three hours by train from here. I’m going there to help Takeda with a Go thing. We can stay there until the day before your flight,” Chanyeol mentioned.

“That sounds nice. I would like to go there but I don’t think I can be of any help to you or Takeda,” Kyungsoo worried.

“You don’t have to,” Chanyeol assured, “You being here with me is already a big help.”

“Well, if you put it that way then,” Kyungsoo smiled, returning to his task.

“Oh, what was it that you were saying just now? I’m sorry I cut you off. I almost forgot about the whole thing so I had to tell you fast,” Chanyeol explained.

“It’s nothing,” Kyungsoo brushed it off, burying the thought and desire deeper within the recess of his mind. It didn’t have to matter now, at least.

Chanyeol smiled and patted Kyungsoo on the head, since Kyungsoo was rather bent over at the waist while cutting Chanyeol’s nails, exposing the crown of his head.

 

 

Later that day, Kyungsoo was passing by the tall stack of drawers in the corridor on the way to the staircase, when he spotted the object that Chanyeol had placed on top of the drawer.

The object stood at Kyungsoo’s eye level and it was hard to not miss it now.

On top of the drawer was the framed picture of Chanyeol together with his mother and sister, with what appeared to be the sea and beach in the background.

Chanyeol looked happy and he was smiling very warmly and brightly in the picture. Kyungsoo had not seen Chanyeol that happy, not since they were fifteen.

Upon realizing that fact, Kyungsoo felt hit by another wave of nostalgia of the old halcyon days that would never come back to him nor Chanyeol.

Time was indeed cruel.

 

Kyungsoo sighed silently, heaving his shoulders, and walked up the staircase to the second floor of Chanyeol’s house.

Now, Kyungsoo only had one week left here and it was beginning to feel awful to know that the time he had with Chanyeol was limited.

Kyungsoo did not hold many expectations but he was determined to at least be able to decide on at least one thing by the end of the week.

 

 


	14. Adoration

 

On Monday, Kyungsoo boarded a train with Chanyeol and left Tokyo for Matsumoto, a city in the Nagano prefecture about three hours away by railway from where Chanyeol lived.

 

The city of Matsumoto was Takeda’s hometown and every year in the summer, Takeda would return to his hometown to run a Go summer festival of some sorts. This year, Chanyeol had decided to come along with Kyungsoo in tow.

Kyungsoo still knew jack about Go but he enjoyed the overseas vacation and getting to be around Chanyeol, whom he didn’t get to see very often anymore. Especially because it was already Monday and Kyungsoo’s flight back home to Seoul was on Saturday. There were about four to five days in between, depending on how one would count it, and Kyungsoo dreaded the day to come.

Sure, Kyungsoo had a few friends and family back in his country, but he was still deciding on what the meaning of “home” really meant. Kyungsoo found his “home” in Chanyeol, but Chanyeol wasn’t there in the literal home that Kyungsoo always thought to be his.

 

Come the next Monday, Kyungsoo would be back at work and he wasn’t sure whether that was what he wanted after all. Kyungsoo had tried and worked so hard to be where he was at today, but he was left feeling incomplete and empty now.

Kyungsoo always believed that if he worked hard and persevered, he would be successful and thus happy. Kyungsoo did all of that but at almost thirty years old, Kyungsoo started to realize that he was much happier here with Chanyeol, even in a foreign land where he didn’t speak nor understand the language.

Despite the alienness of everything that was currently around and surrounding him, Kyungsoo felt very much at home and he didn’t want to leave.

 

 

 

The annual Go festival took place in the Matsumoto city hall, situated in the heart of the small city. Among the features of the festival was Go matches between the participants, exhibition booths, educational talks on Go and the appearance of renowned Go players.

Takeda helped organize the festival for the past few years on behalf of his city’s municipal council, as he was one of the few professional Go players who came from Matsumoto too.

This year, for the first time since Takeda had become Chanyeol’s assistant, Chanyeol followed Takeda back to Matsumoto to help him organize and run the Go festival.

Takeda didn’t question it but it was certainly unlike of Chanyeol to suddenly come up and offer his assistance. Chanyeol hadn’t been like that, not since the accident five years ago. Takeda only suspected that Kyungsoo’s influence might have a part to do in it.

 

 

On the first day of the festival, the locals who decided to take part would play in Go matches against each other while a professional player would come to their tables and advise them on their moves and strategies.

Those who didn’t want to take part in matches could attend lectures by another Go professional. In the afternoon, the professional and advanced Go players would set up booths and those willing to challenge them could come up and take part in a match against the more seasoned player.

 

The multi-purpose hall within the city hall building that was used for various events such as weddings to sports matches was now converted for the Go festival. The hall was a common feature like every other one in the country with high ceilings, very bright lighting, various entrances, squeaky linoleum floors and a stage up front.

Individual booths with a chair and table were set up in the hall with about eight advanced to professional level Go players for the attendees to try a match against. There was a moderately sized crowd in the hall who were gathered around each booth to wait their turn and watch the ongoing match versus the professional player.

Due to the number of people that wished to challenge a professional Go player, the match would be timed with a game clock and each participant would only receive ten seconds during their turn. Due to the fast pace, it was also known as fast Go that was only played in the festival or non-formal casual settings.

 

There were also Go players from overseas and some from the rival Kansai Go association there, who was there in the spirit of sports to volunteer at the festival. Personally, some of the members of both associations are also friends with each other.

Takeda’s booth was the last one in the row and located towards the end of the hall near the main entrance, while Chanyeol’s booth was just beside him. But beside Chanyeol’s booth was his longtime and number one rival who had defeated and claimed the national Go title from him- Maruyama.

The players sat on a foldable steel chair near a table with a Go board and a game clock on it. A name card was printed and hung on the table to identify which one of the Go players it was.

Although the booths were decently spaced apart, it was still close enough for the players sitting there to talk to each other.

 

 

Most of the crowd in the hall were focused on one particular booth in the hall, which was that of a young Go player who was his in early twenties and had recently won some lower professional tournament, who was also somewhat popular for his good looks.

A local man had challenged the player to a match and was doing decently well against the professional, effectively gathering a large crowd to surround and watch the match. The other booths were sparsely populated but most of the professional Go players present there were engaged in a friendly match.

Takeda had been bored waiting for someone to come up and challenge him before the lunch break. When no one else came up, Takeda was about to start some small talk with Chanyeol in the booth beside him when a polite young girl of about schooling age came up with a friend to challenge Takeda.

Takeda apologized for having to cut short his conversation with Chanyeol, who smiled back and said that it was no problem.

Seeing that Takeda was occupied and that he had nothing to do yet, Chanyeol turned to his other side and saw Maruyama looking back at him with his cheek resting on his palm with his arm perched on the table top.

Chanyeol’s eyes met Maruyama by accident and he honestly did not know what to do from there, especially considering how Maruyama was fully focused on him. It felt a bit like their previous match where Maruyama wouldn’t stop glaring at Chanyeol from the opposite side of the board.

Chanyeol faked a soft smile and was about to look to the floor when Maruyama spoke up.

 

 

“I haven’t seen you since the last tournament. You just left and didn’t stay for the reception or post-match review afterward too. So, you do this every year?” Maruyama asked, initiating the conversation.

“Not really,” Chanyeol replied, lightly shaking his head.

“I see. It’s my first time volunteering too,” Maruyama continued, pulling his chair just a bit closer, “So what are you doing here?”

“I’m here with Takeda,” Chanyeol answered, pointing to Takeda at the booth on his other side.

“Oh right. I forgot that he’s your assistant too,” Maruyama nodded in acknowledgment, folding his arms over his chest at the same time.

Chanyeol nodded back but it came off more like a bow.

“So, you must have heard about it by now have you?” Maruyama hinted, now sitting sideways on his chair to fully face Chanyeol.

“-heard about what?” Chanyeol inquired, not having a clue at what Maruyama was talking about.

Maruyama dryly chuckled before resting his arm back on the booth’s table, “Didn’t you hear that I lost the senior professionals match last week against the top Go player in the country? I thought that you would have known or someone in the association would’ve told you since they’re very diligent about tracking player’s records. After all, I did defeat you the last time.”

“I see,” Chanyeol responded, “I know the match was going to take place shortly after our tournament but I wasn’t following it because I was busy preparing for another tournament.”

“Why haven’t you tried competing in the senior professionals' match yet?” Maruyama questioned, “How old are you anyway?”

“I’ll turn thirty this November. I’m not confident enough yet to play Go against people who are almost twice as old as me. With their age also comes their massive experience. It says a lot that the top Go player is usually always middle-aged. I don’t think I’m at that level yet,” Chanyeol honestly answered, lowering his head and gaze. 

Maruyama chuckled, “You really are humble, aren’t you? I told myself that if I could beat you, then I would be able to win the senior professionals match too. It turns out that I was wrong. I lost in the quarter-finals. I thought I would be able to do better than that and be a finalist, to be honest.”

“You win some, you lose some. It’s how Go is,” Chanyeol added.

“I guess so,” Maruyama muttered, “That’s why I’m here, actually. I was aiming too high than what I was capable of.  I thought that I should learn a thing or two from that.”

“Good for you. Thanks for your honesty,” Chanyeol returned before getting up from his seat, leaving his booth and walking over to Maruyama’s booth.

 

Chanyeol sat himself down on the chair opposite from Maruyama at the table, with the table and the Go board on it in between them. Maruyama’s mouth was slightly open as he saw Chanyeol move to near him, not knowing what Chanyeol’s intention was.

Chanyeol bowed his head and the upper half of his body politely, “Since we’re not doing anything now, will you play a fast Go match against me? I believe that we can both greatly learn from each other if we do.”

Maruyama laughed, trying to stifle his laughter, “Sure. I just didn’t think that you would ever want to.”

 

It didn’t take long before Maruyama and Chanyeol’s match attracted most of the crowd who were previously occupied with the young good looking junior professional's match, who couldn’t say he was disappointed by it either because he looked up to Maruyama and Chanyeol too as players.

After all, anyone who cared the least bit about Go, wouldn’t miss the opportunity to watch two famous professional play a match against each other even in a casual non-competitive setting.

Takeda did sigh and shake his head, even though it defeated the purpose of the whole exhibition of having regular people play versus professionals, and certainly not two professionals against each other.

 

 

When Chanyeol had lost against Maruyama in the title match previously, Chanyeol had begun to see Maruyama as a formidable mountain that was much higher than him and one that he wasn’t able to cross over yet.

Chanyeol grew determined to overcome that mountain and hopefully win the next time he was pitted against Maruyama. Since then, Chanyeol had been training, practicing and learning in how to better himself but failed to realize that even mountains crumble.

For once, Chanyeol found himself relating to the feelings and experiences of his opponent who had triumphed against him.

While it may have been vague before, it was all clear to Chanyeol now, that the best thing he should be doing is to be better than he was previously, and not trying to be better than someone else.

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Kyungsoo was on a guided city tour trip that Chanyeol had made Takeda arrange for him because Chanyeol did not want to bore Kyungsoo by just sitting around all day and waiting for him when the festival was on.

The tour was conducted in English and Kyungsoo could fairly understand what the tour guide was trying to say, although he wouldn’t be too confident in speaking it.

Currently, the tour group was visiting the historical Matsumoto castle, one of Japan’s famous premier historical castle. While most of the people in Kyungsoo’s tour group were busy exploring the castle’s interior and the museum inside it, Kyungsoo was hanging out on the bridge that connected the castle through the moat.

It was significantly cloudy but still hot that day. If it was the least bit sunny, Kyungsoo knew that he would’ve chosen to tour the interior of the castle too. While summers in Korea were as equally hot and humid, Kyungsoo wasn’t used to the ideas of typhoons that came every year to Japan with rains heavier and winds stronger than he had ever seen. Luckily, that year’s typhoon season had been short.

The bridge built over the castle moat’s lake was in open space and hence, windy. Kyungsoo leaned forward, resting his arms over the antique wooden railings that had been painted a vibrant red color, as he waited for the next calm wind to blow and cool down the air around him even if momentarily.

Kyungsoo was hardly in the mood to be sightseeing, which he would have been if it weren’t for the fact that he had to leave Chanyeol again very soon.

Kyungsoo was conflicted about his emotions and his heart was very much unsettled when he thought that he was very much settled and satisfied with his life. The gut feeling of wanting change came out of nowhere and Kyungsoo didn’t know what to do about it yet. This feeling was very new and foreign to him.

From the bridge over the moat’s lake, Kyungsoo could see the view of the park that had been built near the banks of the water and subsequently the hill behind it in the distance.

It was a simple sight that was common throughout Japan, but it was beautiful to Kyungsoo and he couldn’t stop wishing how he desired to live here with Chanyeol.

But Kyungsoo also knew that it wasn’t going to be that simple either. There were a lot of things to consider if he was going to uproot his entire life that he had built in South Korea to move to a completely foreign land to be with the man he loved.

It sounded romantic and daring if he were to do it but logic wise, it did seem rather farfetched.

 

Kyungsoo had a job, a duty and responsibilities waiting for him back in Seoul, which he couldn’t just leave and abandon. There were so many things to consider and Kyungsoo began to think that it was just too cruel when all he wanted was to feel like he was home with the person he loved.

Kyungsoo felt his tears welling up out of self-pity but he never ended up crying. Kyungsoo soon saw the tour guide walking around and rounding up the tour group to gather and move on to the next destination.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath before turning on the camera function on his phone to take a selfie of himself on the bridge with the castle’s keep in the background because he knew that his parents would definitely want to see his vacation pictures when he returned.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo’s tour ended after five in the evening and he was dropped off by the tour bus in the city center station, which was just a few minutes walk from the city hall where Chanyeol and Takeda were at.

Kyungsoo didn’t know the area but map software applications on his phone and the English translations on the signboards helped him a lot in getting around.

The festival had ended for the day about half an hour earlier and Takeda had texted Kyungsoo to meet them in a restaurant just a few blocks down from the city hall.

Kyungsoo easily found the restaurant because of the large sign hanging outside the establishment, that Takeda had also sent a picture of for Kyungsoo to recognize.

 

Kyungsoo entered the restaurant and saw that it was a self-grill restaurant. The tables were separated in booths with a built-in grill in the middle of the table. Once Kyungsoo stepped inside, he could smell the aroma of food being grilled wafting through the air, and hear the sound of the sizzling and clanking of utensils on the grill top.

Kyungsoo was greeted by an employee in an apron who bowed to him and spoke something in Japanese. Kyungsoo bowed back but only smiled and waved her off before he spotted Takeda waving to him from a table near the center of the restaurant’s dining area.

Kyungsoo walked over to the table where Chanyeol and Takeda were seated at, choosing to sit beside Chanyeol on the long bench that made up the booth.

To Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and Takeda looked more like office workers who had just gotten off work and decided to meet up for dinner, especially with the way they rolled up the sleeves of their dress shirts and their ties that were either messy or hung very loosely now.

If Kyungsoo didn’t know better, he probably would have never guessed that they were both very talented and professional Go players. They weren’t very much different than the average person and Kyungsoo felt like the world of professional board gaming was basically a hidden gem that coexisted within the function of normal society. One either knew about it or they didn’t know about it at all.

Kyungsoo had to opportunity to observe and somehow partake in this world despite not being a part of it, all thanks to Chanyeol.

 

 

While Takeda was busy grilling and seasoning the food, Chanyeol patiently read out and translated the menu to Kyungsoo, taking the time to explain and give his personal recommendations.

Kyungsoo didn’t really know what to eat despite the choices that were laid out in front of him. He hadn’t had much of an appetite in the previous days, which he suspected due to his constant worry of the impending day that he would have to part with Chanyeol again. Kyungsoo was only eating because it was a necessity for survival.

In the end, Chanyeol and Takeda ordered more of the fresh meat, eggs, and vegetables that they had ordered earlier on so it would be enough for three people, considering that Kyungsoo didn’t want to eat anything in particular.

The only thing Kyungsoo ordered for himself was fresh green tea, which he wanted to drink as much as he could since he was in the country most famous for it.

 

 

Kyungsoo’s cup of green tea was served while Takeda was cooking a mixture on the grill top to make some okonomiyaki, a Japanese savory pancake.

Kyungsoo raised the ceramic cup of green tea with his hands and looked down at it to see a few tea stalks floating upright and bobbing in the water in his cup.

Chanyeol noticed that Kyungsoo was rather aptly observing the cup, so much that Kyungsoo’s glasses were beginning to slide off his nose.

Chanyeol peered a look into Kyungsoo’s cup and looked back up at Takeda, seeing that Takeda was still busy grilling the food.

Chanyeol leaned in closer to Kyungsoo sitting at his side and whispered in Kyungsoo’s ear, “It’s a sign of good luck if the stalks float upright, but you’re not supposed to tell anyone about it if you want the auspiciousness.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo muttered, still looking down at his cup.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Takeda,” Chanyeol spoke very softly and smiled before returning to help Takeda with their dinner.

Kyungsoo smiled to himself and hoped for once, that traditional superstition would be true because it sure felt like he needed some absolute luck if he wanted to remain to be with Chanyeol.

 

 

 

Whether Kyungsoo liked it or not, time inevitably came to pass and soon enough it was already Friday and Kyungsoo’s last day in Matsumoto. On Saturday afternoon, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol would leave Matsumoto by train. Except, Chanyeol would be returning back to his home in the Chiyoda ward while Kyungsoo would be headed off back to Seoul.

Friday was also the last day for the Go festival. It had begun raining quite heavily in the afternoon with very dark overcast clouds in the sky. But by evening and just a few hours before sunset, the rain had subsided and the skies had cleared up.

After the festival, Takeda had stayed behind in the city hall to have a drink and catch up with the people he knew in the city before he left.

In the meantime, before it got dark, Chanyeol brought Kyungsoo to visit one last place before they would leave Matsumoto the next day. Chanyeol himself didn’t know about this place initially but upon receiving suggestions from Takeda, he had chosen to bring Kyungsoo there on their second last day together.

 

 

Kyungsoo followed Chanyeol and together they boarded a city bus to head to their destination. Chanyeol paid for the bus fare for himself and Kyungsoo and said something to the bus driver who nodded and smiled back to them.

There weren’t many other people in the bus and Kyungsoo looked out the window through the rest of journey, trying to remember and cherish every passing sight he saw because he didn’t know the next time he could be there again.

 

 

The bus ride didn’t take very long. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were dropped off at what appeared to be the foot of a mountain with a wide path leading up of it. Kyungsoo saw this same mountain in the distance during his visit to the castle. It was just behind the main Matsumoto city center.

Chanyeol told Kyungsoo about someplace he wanted to show Kyungsoo at the top of the mountain. Chanyeol also assured Kyungsoo that the mountain wasn’t that high and it would take them less than an hour to get to the top even if they walked slowly along the designated path.

During the journey, Kyungsoo saw the lush green trees that surrounded the path and the string of pink and red unlit lanterns that were hung along the path. Apart from the both of them, there was just one other couple ahead of them who were walking up the mountain path.

 

 

It was less than an hour before sunset and the sun was visibly low in the horizon with a clear view the higher Chanyeol and Kyungsoo walked up the mountain path.

The sky before sunset was a glowing and glistening orange, painting the sky and the city of Matsumoto below with its colors. The air was still but it was cool and there was a dewy feeling to it, especially after the rain.

The grass on the ground was still wet and the smell of damp earth was lingering around the air. Some of the leaves on the tree branches were still dripping down droplets of water beneath its canopy.

 

 

Kyungsoo kept silent for the most part of the journey up the mountain path while Chanyeol occasionally talked about Go or about something interesting that he was reminded of.

Kyungsoo smiled and nodded, listening to what Chanyeol had to say while also being engrossed in his own thoughts that mainly revolved around the dreadful parting they would have to face.

 

 

The pair reached the top of the mountain just minutes before sunset. The top of the mountain was mostly bare, save for the grass and the trees at a lower elevation than the peak.

There was a small group of four or five people already there at the peak, standing and viewing the city of Matsumoto beneath them and the mountain range of the Japanese Alps in the further distance.

The sun was close to slipping beneath the horizon, now splashing the skies and clouds with a streak of glistening orange and dark blue. The lanterns that hung along the mountain path and between the trees were now lit up, giving off its glowy and idyllic light.

Slowly, the twinkling lights in the city below were also becoming more visible as it grew darker.

 

Chanyeol stood straight and tall in his full height with his hands clasped behind his back. Kyungsoo stood slightly hunched by Chanyeol’s side, also witnessing the view from the mountain peak. They were standing close enough to each other for their clothed shoulders to touch against each other.

The still air was disrupted by a mild breeze that blew in their direction, which made the leaves on the trees rustle, the sound of it filling the atmosphere.

 

 

Right at that moment, Kyungsoo didn’t know why he felt so overwhelmed by his emotions. He was feeling everything at once; sadness, happiness, awe, fear, hope, and love.

There he was standing in a very beautiful place, feeling very much like he belonged there while being with the person he loved very most. He was so happy and felt so much at home, but still feeling like he was in disbelief.

Kyungsoo didn’t notice it at first, that he had started laughing and crying at the same time while the breeze roaring in his ears and the rustling leaves drowned out the vocalizations of his emotions.

Kyungsoo hadn’t cried in years, not since he was sixteen and Chanyeol was the one to leave at that time. This was so unlike him and Kyungsoo had no idea why.

 

“Kyungsoo, what’s wrong. Are you okay?” Chanyeol reacted, placing a hand on Kyungsoo’s back, feeling concerned and clueless at what was going on to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo nodded and assured Chanyeol that he was alright, despite the contradictions when he couldn’t stop laughing and crying all at once.

“Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol asked again, his worry very obviously expressed in his voice.

“I’m okay. I am. I don’t know what’s going on with me,” Kyungsoo admitted, clutching his head in his hands, “I’m very happy. You make me very happy,” Kyungsoo lifted his head to look into Chanyeol’s worried eyes before continuing, “-but I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t want to leave, Chanyeol. I want to be here with you.” Kyungsoo confessed while tugging onto the front of Chanyeol’s shirt.

“Me too,” Chanyeol replied, his voice and breath hitching as he placed both arms around Kyungsoo on the latter’s back. “I very much want to be with you. It made me very sad to know that we have to leave each other tomorrow. I wish we could stay like this for a bit longer, which is why I brought you here. I didn’t want you to be sad before you go.”

“I’m so sorry, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo apologized, holding back a torrent of tears that would have fallen otherwise, “I’m so sorry for all these years. I was selfish and self-centered. I had no idea what you were going through and everything. I wish I could have been there for you.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Chanyeol insisted, feeling like he might cry anytime too, “I believe that it has shaped us into the men we are today, and I am fine with it. I couldn’t have asked for it to be any different.”

Kyungsoo shook his head, “I don’t want to leave tomorrow but I have to. I many too much responsibilities I need to take care of.”

Chanyeol moved his hands from around Kyungsoo to cup the latter’s face with both hands, “We’re adults now, Kyungsoo. We weren’t as helpless as we were back then. We’ll find a way and work on it. We’ll be together again.”

Kyungsoo rested his hands on Chanyeol’s arms that were stretched towards him.

The sun had set by then and they were alone on the mountain peak under the darkening sky in dusk and illuminated by the lanterns that hung between the trees and along the path.

Above them, the sky was a gradient of dark blue to black and the brightest of stars had begun to show in the cloudless night.

“I love you, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol declared.

“I love you too,” Kyungsoo returned, smiling back with his tear-stained face.

 

Holding each other close and tight, neither was the first one to intiate it because Kyungsoo and Chanyeol both leaned in towards each other at the same time to fall into their first kiss, on that mountain peak illuminated with glowing lanterns under the starry night sky and the twinkling city lights beneath them.

It took them almost half their lives and another country to realize it but they did indeed love each other.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Arirang, Arirang, Arariyo,

You are going over Arirang hill.

My love, you are leaving me,

Your feet will be sore before you go ten  _li._

Just as there are many stars in the clear sky,

There are also many dreams in our heart...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song at the end is Arirang, which is the same one featured in chapter 7 and the song that Chansoo used to sing as teenagers. It's exactly seven chapters since Chapter 7 too and I thought that the song fits here too. The song in this chapter is missing the last verse on purpose ;)


	15. Abode

 

That year’s summer had been special because Kyungsoo got to spend it with Chanyeol and because Kyungsoo finally answered the question that had been bugging him all his life. But summer eventually came to an end like it always has year after year, bringing in the temperate weather and falling leaves of autumn. Men could not control time after all.

Back in Seoul away from Chanyeol again, Kyungsoo’s routine returned to waking up early in the morning or in the afternoon, whenever his shift designated him to be at work.

Without fail, Kyungsoo would shower right after he woke up and then eat whatever food he could find in his kitchen which would almost always be instant noodles or food cart sandwich from the previous day. Kyungsoo did not eat to feel full, he only ate so he wouldn’t feel sick later on in the day because of hunger. Hospital food was cheap, healthy and he got an employee discount too, so he preferred to eat there.

Kyungsoo would always leave on time and lock his apartment up carefully, carrying his rucksack on his shoulders with a foldable umbrella tucked inside. Then, he would walk down the sidewalks and pathways that lined up against the tall apartment blocks he lived in, all the way down to the nearest subway station and board the same subway on the same line day after day.

 

 

Life quickly returned to square one for Kyungsoo, but he was now constantly feeling empty and a sense of longing for a different life other than this; preferably one with Chanyeol in it.

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure that that was what he wanted at first, thinking that it was just a whim of the moment or some early midlife crisis he was going through now that he was nearing his thirties.

Kyungsoo always thought that he was happy and settled with this life he led, but all of that was proven wrong in the summer when he realized where his home and heart really belonged at, and that was with Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo understood now what it meant to be in love and for someone to own his heart, despite thinking that he would never have a need for a relationship to feel fulfilled and content with his life. In fact, Kyungsoo could say that he never even considered that not until he was reunited with Chanyeol again.

 

 

Kyungsoo sighed to himself and leaned against the glass windows in the subway car he was riding in, which was moderately full at that time in the morning, with people who were commuting to work or school much like Kyungsoo also was.

When there were more people, Kyungsoo always chose to stand near the windows and nearer to the doors so he could alight and board the subway with ease.

It was raining outside and although the sun was already up at that time in the morning, it almost seemed like evening time with the thick grey rain clouds in the sky above, obscuring the sun. It only began raining when Kyungsoo had already arrived at the subway station but he had no problem with that because he always had an umbrella with him anyway.

In the usual daily commute that grey rainy morning, with his head leaning against the wide reinforced glass windows, Kyungsoo’s eyes followed the trail of the raindrops that splattered and fell onto the windows of the subway car as it trailed along the exterior of the windows and eventually dissipated and disappeared from view as the subway car continued speeding along the tracks.

But in his head, Kyungsoo was thinking of far-off thoughts and plans that he wasn’t sure whether he should pursue yet. Kyungsoo heard too much of people who dropped everything to be with the one they loved, only to end up tragically disappointed or having the relationship not working out and then losing everything in the process.

Kyungsoo trusted Chanyeol but he didn’t quite trust fate.

 

Kyungsoo would ponder that thought day after day, on every commute back and forth from work with his head leaned and pressed up against the glass window in the subway car. From raindrops and scattered leaves in the autumn to eventually the snow and sleet in winter that ran along the moving subway car, Kyungsoo never stopped thinking that he should have been somewhere else instead.

At the point, it had evolved from being a fleeting thought or a whim of the moment to an ambition and another goal to be decided whether it was worth pursuing or otherwise. It was normal to be scared of new and unknown things and concepts, after all. Especially when it involved uprooting his routine and stable life that he had spent so hard and so long to build, only to realize that it wasn’t what he wanted after all.

But at least, Kyungsoo couldn’t say that he wasted all that time for nothing because he could now put his foot down and clearly decide what it was that he wanted and what it was that he didn’t want. Kyungsoo wanted a life with Chanyeol and he knew that.

 

 

 

It was now some time in early December. Three months and a season had passed between the present and when Kyungsoo was last with Chanyeol.

Chanyeol’s thirtieth birthday was about a week ago and Kyungsoo was more disappointed about the birthday gift package he had mailed to Japan not arriving on time than he was at not being able to be there for a milestone in the life of someone he loved.

Chanyeol had bought a cell phone since then so it was easier for them to contact each other. Before this, Chanyeol only had a computer and a house phone that was only really useful if Chanyeol was home, which he usually wasn’t.

 

 

It was about ten at night and Kyungsoo was on another long night shift that would not end until the next morning. It was a slow night, however, and slow nights in a hospital was actually a good sign.

As a medical resident and with nothing that needed his urgent attention, nights like these were usually spent finishing away paperwork. Kyungsoo had been working on the paperwork for the attending surgeon he worked under but stopped halfway through for a short break when he found it hard to further concentrate.

 

While taking a break, Kyungsoo moved to the employee’s lounge on the upper floor. The lounge on the upper floors was deserted at this time of the night so Kyungsoo had all the benches and the tables all to himself.

There were multiple vending machines in the lounge, all lined up against the wall with flashing lights and blinking symbols to advertise whatever it was that was being sold in the machine, which could be anything from hot coffee to instant noodles and packed food. In the lounge, there was also a fridge, a sink, a water dispenser and a shelf with a microwave for the employees’ convenience.

Kyungsoo bought a can of iced coffee from the vending machine despite the cold weather outside, because he thought that it be faster for the iced coffee to rise to room temperature than to buy a hot coffee and wait for it to cool down. He was staying indoors anyway so it didn’t really matter.

 

 

Kyungsoo sat himself down on a chair near a small round coffee table in the employee’s lounge, that was against the wall with the window to the balcony courtyard view outside.

The door that led outside to the courtyard was somewhere near the stairwell but it was closed after office hours for security purposes because a former employee had attempted to jump off the building from the courtyard.

Kyungsoo didn’t know the employee in question because he was new at that time, having just finished his military conscription at that time. All he knew was that the employee resigned after and got the help they needed.

Kyungsoo barely remembered the incident unless someone brought it up, but it did make him realize how oblivious he had been in the previous years to other people’s feelings and experiences. Everyone is different and faced different things. Kyungsoo knew that now on top of the fact that work alone could not make him happy, even if he knew a few people at work who swore by the fact that work satisfaction was the definition of true happiness.

 

Kyungsoo sipped an amount of coffee from the can before placing it down on the table and then checking his phone for notifications. Chanyeol had a match that night and from the looks of it, he wasn’t done with it yet because he had yet to reply to Kyungsoo’s texts.

Kyungsoo put his phone away and straightened his back to look outside towards the courtyard. It was lightly snowing outside and Kyungsoo sat watching the snow fall under the glow of the orange garden lights in the dark of the night, blanketing the ground in powdery white and muffling all the background noise everywhere.

It was always quiet when it snowed and Kyungsoo liked that. There was a beauty in silence, after all. The silence reminded him of Chanyeol too.

Despite the natural effect of snow muffling sounds, it was already quiet, to begin with. There was no one else but him in the lounge. The only sounds that Kyungsoo could hear were the occasional whirring and clicking noise that came from the vending machines and the fridges that served to remind him where he was and what he was there for.

Had it not been for that, Kyungsoo might have lost himself in his thoughts because there was sure a lot of things going on in his head lately.

 

 

Kyungsoo’s brief moment of tranquility and silence was disrupted by a rather loud “Hey!” and the sound of someone pushing the door to the lounge open before making their way in.

Kyungsoo whipped his head towards the source of the sound and saw a joyful looking Sehun walking towards the table he was seated at before taking the chair opposite from Kyungsoo.

 

“I didn’t know you were on the night shift tonight but then I saw your name on the board and I asked around and someone saw you go up here so I thought that I should come here to see you,” Sehun notified, leaning back on his chair and straightening out the front of the nurse’s scrubs that he was wearing.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Kyungsoo lazily asked, feeling quite tired for the day already.

“Nothing really. I’m on break so I thought I’d come to see you since we haven’t talked in a while. You really look lost in your thoughts lately, like you’re always daydreaming and your mind is somewhere else but here,” Sehun revealed, “Are you alright, Kyungsoo?”

“I’m fine,” Kyungsoo paused before continuing, “You notice that, huh?” Kyungsoo replied, resting his elbow on the table and pressing half of his face to his raised hand.

“I sure do,” Sehun confidently affirmed, “You sure you’re okay? I’ve never seen you like this in the past three years that we’ve been working together.”

“I’m fine really,” Kyungsoo insisted, “I just have a lot to think about.”

“If you say so then,” Sehun shrugged before offering, “If there’s anything, you can let me know. I’ll listen.”

Kyungsoo quickly changed the topic instead, asking, “So, how’s it going too? Any class promotions for Go in sight?”

“I’m good,” Sehun answered before visibly slouching his shoulders and dryly chuckling, “The year is almost over and I don’t think I can win enough matches to be promoted to professional this year either with the three weeks left. Give me another one or two years stuck at this rank and I think I might just retire from Go.”

“I see,” Kyungsoo nodded, encouraging Sehun, “I hope you do your best. Don’t give up yet.”

“Thanks. What about you? You haven’t been coming to play Go either since you came back from Japan.” Sehun asked.

Kyungsoo admitted, “After one month in Japan with Chanyeol, I have come to the terms that Go is too difficult for me to comprehend and totally not meant for me. It really isn’t my thing.”

“Oh,” Sehun exclaimed, “That’s a shame though when you know someone so good at it to teach you how to play.”

“Maybe,” Kyungsoo glossed over, “This is the second time I’ve picked up Go and quit it in just a few months. I’m really not going to try a third time.”

Sehun smiled, “You sure do make up your mind fast.”

“Not fast enough though,” Kyungsoo corrected Sehun’s statement.

“Why not?” Sehun wondered.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath before sighing and answering Sehun’s question, “I want to move to Japan and live with Chanyeol. I’ve been considering it but for now, it’s just a thought that’s on my mind.” Kyungsoo then admitted, “-but I can’t say that I didn’t try learning Japanese or researching immigration laws to figure out how I can move there.”

“That sounds like a lot of work. I don’t know much about moving abroad either but well, if that’s what you want, then why not?” Sehun advised.

“I don’t know, Sehun. I really don’t know yet,” Kyungsoo followed up, “It’s hard for me to just leave everything behind here too but I think I would be happier over there.”

“Well, being happy is the important part, right?” Sehun suggested.

“I guess so,” Kyungsoo answered, clicking his tongue.

 

Kyungsoo wished that he knew the answer to that same question too. Sure, achieving his true happiness would be ideal but sometimes, the means to achieving ideal isn’t practical and Kyungsoo was too much of a pragmatic realist to be the one to chase after an idea that was still very much abstract at this point.

Sometimes, at times like these, Kyungsoo wished he was more like Chanyeol. Kyungsoo knew that if Chanyeol were in his shoes, the latter would just jump at the next available opportunity and make the step forward even if the path ahead had not been laid out in concrete yet.

Even now, Kyungsoo still looked up to and greatly adored Chanyeol for that. Kyungsoo knew that he couldn’t be as brave and daring that Chanyeol had been in an effort to chase and finally attain his dream to become one of the top Go players in the world.

 

 

After his extended night shift, Kyungsoo had the entire of the next day off and at evening time towards the night, Kyungsoo finally managed to talk to Chanyeol again on the phone.

Kyungsoo talked about his day, asked Chanyeol about his match and whether the package had even arrived in Chanyeol’s home in Japan. But all those were just fillers to keep the conversation going because what Kyungsoo wanted the most was to hear Chanyeol’s soft yet deep voice over the phone, because even when they were apart and even in the roughest of storms, Chanyeol’s voice never failed to make him feel at home and placidly calm.

This was what love felt like to Kyungsoo.

 

 

 

 

For Chanyeol on the other hand, winter was the season for the intra-tournament within the Go association for class promotions and rankings. Beginning every winter, several matches would be played against players from the association of the same rank and ratings.

Players who managed to score enough number of wins would be promoted to the next rank in the coming spring. Meanwhile, the players who did not manage to score enough wins would remain within their rank and the bottom few would be demoted.

Chanyeol had achieved the highest possible professional 9-dan rank many winters ago. Even when there was literally no higher rank for him to achieve, he still had to participate yearly to maintain his rank and prevent himself from being demoted.

Year-end tournaments for rank promotions were arguably more stressful than tournaments for title matches. One could lose a tournament and still maintain their rank but the same could not be said for rank promotion matches.

Go was a sport where the players had to constantly improve even when they were considered the best and at the top of the game. While it would be easier for a lower ranked player to be demoted and return, a higher ranked player would often take the cue to retire should they face demotion.

 

Chanyeol could still confidently say that he was comfortable with where he was at, but he didn’t know if he could say the same in the years or decades to come.

The average age of the professional players was within their mid-forties and some of them held other jobs alongside their Go careers. Chanyeol was one of the younger professional players and one of the fewer ones who were skilled enough to just be good at Go and live a comfortable living off of their winnings. In a single year, Chanyeol would play over a hundred matches in various tournaments all around Japan and Asia.

Every year, there would be newer and better players coming and rising through the ranks, proving themselves to be more capable than those who came before them. Chanyeol knew because, at one time, he had been one of those “new” players too.

Chanyeol knew his time would to come to an end one day but until then, Chanyeol was determined to do his best in the sport he dearly loved and poured his soul out for.

 

 

Snow started falling early that year in late November in Tokyo. Snow was usually unseen of until December where Chanyeol lived. By the time class promotion matches began in December, the snow fell almost every day and enough to blanket and cover the ground.

The matches for higher ranked Go players were usually held towards the end of the day in the late afternoon to evening. Morning and afternoon matches were held for lower ranked players.

Chanyeol left his house to attend his match of the day in the evening, at a time most people would be coming home from work. Unlike other people, Chanyeol’s day had just started.

 

It was snowing again that evening when Chanyeol left his house. Chanyeol donned a black trench coat on top of his usual matching grey suit, trousers, and tie.

Chanyeol, however, didn’t even think of bringing his umbrella and coursed through with the snow falling heavily on him. Then again, Chanyeol had always been like that, which was why he needed the help of an assistant around him.

Chanyeol trodded on the snow cover on the sidewalks which he took every day on his way to the Go association’s headquarters. This time, everything was painted white from the snow that continues to fall.

Chanyeol’s reticent character was reflected by the quiet and snowy atmosphere. There was hardly anyone in sight because of the snow too. Unlike them, Chanyeol had some place to be.

 

A chilling wind blew from the westward direction. It was cold enough to sting exposed skin but Chanyeol ignored it and continued coursing through, walking on pathways that had been covered by snow under the illumination of the streetlights and the buildings nearby.

There was nothing that could stop Chanyeol now from getting to his match and his determination to win it despite whom he was paired up against and whatever that transpired.

 

 

By the time Chanyeol arrived within the Go association’s headquarters compound, Chanyeol was covered from head to toe in snow, forming a stark contrast between the white of the snow and the darkness of his hair and coat.

Chanyeol had a straight face on as he walked in long strides towards his destination.

Takeda who was waiting in the lobby for Chanyeol to arrive witnessed Chanyeol approaching the building and almost jumped up in horror.

 

“Why didn’t you bring your umbrella?” Takeda immediately asked the moment Chanyeol stepped through the automatic sliding glass doors in the lobby.

Chanyeol was standing on the mat with the “Welcome” sign printed on it near the entrance, staring back wildly and confused with wide round eyes at Takeda, “I didn’t bring my what?”

“Nevermind that. It doesn’t matter now. Stay here and don’t move. I’ll get something for you to wipe off with. If you come in here with all that snow, Mr. Fujiwara is going to have a hell of a time with me,” Takeda instructed, excusing himself for a moment to retrieve some tissue papers.

Within the heated and warm building, the snow on Chanyeol’s hair and clothes were now melting and dripping water. To Chanyeol, it was nothing and he still wondered perplexedly why Takeda made a big fuss about it.

Nevertheless, Chanyeol complied and waited for Takeda to return with some tissue papers, even bending down when told to so Takeda could wipe the top of his head.

When winning a match was the top thing on Chanyeol’s mind, the rest of the world was shut out and not even the forces of a hurricane could come between him and his goal.

 

 

In Chanyeol’s match that evening, he was pitted up against another member of the association who was two dan lower than him and slightly older by just a few years. According to the Elo system ranking that the association employed to calculate the relative skill of players, despite the rank difference, Chanyeol only had an additional 20% chance of winning compared to his opponent’s odds at beating him.

Due to the rank difference, Chanyeol had to play a two stones handicap but even though the odds favored Chanyeol, it was still too close to comfort. Being the higher ranked player, Chanyeol had more to lose in the event of a defeat.

Over the winter, Chanyeol had to play at least eight matches for the yearly class promotion matches. This was only Chanyeol’s second match so far.

 

Nakagawa, Chanyeol’s occasional assistant when Takeda wasn’t around, acted as the judge and observer for that evening’s match.

In the evenings, there were fewer matches being held and hence also fewer people around. The Go association’s headquarters was more packed with people during the day when most of the matches were held. After all, like almost any sport there were always a more number of lower ranked players than higher ranked players.  

Hence, with fewer people around, it was also much quieter and deserted at this time of the day. The matches were played in a large room on the second floor of the building.  Low tables were arranged on the floors with each having a Go board on it.

All matches were played while sitting on the floor on pillows, keeping in style with the thousand years tradition of Go. Players sat opposite from each other at the table and a third person who acted as the judge and observer, would sit between the players and keep track of the match.

 

The only other match than Chanyeol’s that was also taking place in tournament room, finished just right after Chanyeol’s match began.

Soon enough, it was just Chanyeol, his opponent, and Nakagawa in the entire tournament room.

The sliding paper doors that led out to the balcony that Kyungsoo once sat on in the summer, were left open to reveal a view of outside and the falling snow. The insulative glass mirrors were in place to keep the room heated and warm.

Snow fell in the background as Chanyeol played his match, diligently and carefully moving his pieces across the board to capture his opponent’s pieces as well as prevent his own from being captured. Considering all these factors, there were so much to think about all at the same time in a Go match.

But for someone like Chanyeol, it came easy because this was his life. It was safe to say that Go was all he lived for, but now Chanyeol also had something else to look forward to and that was Kyungsoo.

 

Chanyeol concentrated better in the quiet and everything was the way he liked it to be during the match. The only sounds heard were that of an occasional breath or two by his opponent, the sounds of the stone pieces being moved and slid around on the board and the sounds of someone shifting on the pillows they sat on as the match went along.

Under the backdrop of the snow falling silently outside under the night sky, Chanyeol reigned victory when his opponent bowed and muttered the words to concede their defeat. Nakagawa took a few minutes of scribbling something on paper and observing the board before confirming Chanyeol’s victory.

Chanyeol bowed in return and thanked his opponent for the match before beginning the post-match review. While Chanyeol was still unable to look at this opponent in the eye while reviewing their match, Chanyeol found it easier for the words to come out as he taught his defeated opponent regarding the mistakes in the moves that they had committed and resulted in their defeat.

At this rate, Chanyeol was setting himself on a victory streak that he was intent on maintaining until the end of the winter.

 

Chanyeol stayed behind for a little while after the match to talk to Takeda and Mr. Fujiwara who later lent Chanyeol an umbrella to walk home with.

While Chanyeol would usually go home straight away without talking to anyone after his match was over, he began staying back even if for just a while and he was even talking about things not pertaining to Go.

Shortly after Chanyeol left, Takeda and Mr. Fujiwara stared at each other, wondering what had just happened there when Chanyeol was actually asking about them their plans for the coming New Year holidays.

 

 

The first things that Chanyeol did once he arrived home was to put the borrowed umbrella aside, take off his shoes in the entryway and also his coat which he draped over his arm.

Even though Chanyeol finally bought himself a cellphone after not using one for years, he often left it at home and Takeda would always complain that if Chanyeol did so, it was no better than a house phone.

Kyungsoo, on the other hand, just didn’t want to complain because it wasn’t like it was unlike of Chanyeol to do so.

 

Chanyeol moved to the console table in the corridor where he placed his phone on before leaving the house. Chanyeol saw on the screen that there were a few message notifications from Kyungsoo. Chanyeol took some time to type out a short reply of two sentences long before hitting the “send” button and waiting for the “sent” indicator to appear.

Kyungsoo replied almost instantly because he happened to be on his phone at the same time since it was his off day and he had nothing else better to do, other than admit that he had indeed been waiting for Chanyeol to reply to his texts all evening.

Kyungsoo asked if he could call Chanyeol and when Chanyeol texted back a “yes”, Kyungsoo immediately hit the call icon on his screen to phone Chanyeol.

International calls were way much easier now compared to fourteen years ago when they were both still broke high-schoolers running on limited allowances trying to keep in touch with each other. Maybe, that being one of the challenges that had hindered Kyungsoo and how he initially gave up on trying to be friends with Chanyeol which led to the long years apart.

 

“Chanyeol! Did you get the package that I mailed to you yet?” Kyungsoo asked the moment the call was connected through.

“Yeah, I got it in the mail this afternoon,” Chanyeol answered, remembering the package that he had picked up from the mailbox and put aside on the table in his room.  

“It finally arrived, took them long enough,” Kyungsoo grunted but also feeling relieved and excited. “So did you open it yet?”

Chanyeol leaned his back against the wall behind him, resting a hand on the console table beside him with his other arm holding up the phone to his ear, “Yeah, I did. Thank you for the gift, Kyungsoo. I liked it.”

Kyungsoo who was sitting on his couch in front of the television in his living room almost jumped up at Chanyeol’s approval, “I remember how you said that you wanted to relearn the basics of Go so I thought I’d send you that. Some of the books are only published in Korean so because you can’t find it in Japan, I thought that you’d want to read those books too.”

“Of course. I didn’t know you still kept the old books I gave you too. I didn’t expect that you would send me that too. It really brings me back when I see it,” Chanyeol mentioned, staring up at the beams on the ceiling.

Kyungsoo chuckled, “Well, I’ve been holding on to it for years and I did use it to teach myself Go but I think this whole thing with me and Go is not going to work out. So I thought you’d need it more than I do.”

Chanyeol smiled to himself, “I appreciate that.”

“So, how did your match go?” Kyungsoo proceeded to ask.

“It was good. I won. I only have one more match next week and then the association is on a one-week holiday break for New Year’s. We’ll resume with the rest of the matches in January,” Chanyeol replied, shifting his weight onto one foot.

“Oh, that sounds nice,” Kyungsoo noted, “What do you plan to do then?”

“I usually stay home and practice. The guys from the association who couldn’t go back to their families usually invite me for a drink but I don’t always go because I want to practice,” Chanyeol replied to Kyungsoo’s question.

“I see. That really does sound like something you’d do,” Kyungsoo continued, lying back down on his couch, “I’ll spend the New Year’s at my family every year but I have to work just the next day. I need to cover shifts for those who went on holiday.”

“That sounds fair. You did take an entire month off to see me,” Chanyeol chuckled over the phone.

Kyungsoo too chuckled in unison, confessing, “That was the best month of my life though.”

“Me too,” Chanyeol simultaneously agreed, “Do you want to come to visit my family with me the next time we see each other?”

Kyungsoo choked immediately upon hearing those words that reminded him of something he almost forgot about. Kyungsoo’s heartbeat started picking up even while relaxed and lying still on his couch, and he wasn’t sure how to respond to that question but confronting that fact to Chanyeol over the phone and hundreds of miles away didn’t seem like a good idea too.

“Yeah, sure. Whatever you want,” Kyungsoo replied, hoping to shelve the topic for later on.

Thankfully for Kyungsoo, Chanyeol also seemed satisfied with his answer and it wasn’t talked about further.

But when the phone call came to an end, Chanyeol was still left feeling unsatisfied and that things could be more than just that. There was certainly more than that which he could do, Chanyeol truly felt.

 

 

Kyungsoo worked through the Christmas holidays and actually felt somewhat good at being able to cover the shifts of his co-workers so they could have the time off for their families. Kyungsoo enjoyed the feeling of being helpful to others. He did become a doctor to save lives, after all.

In return, Kyungsoo would get about two days off at the end of the year, although he had to return to work right after New Year’s day. The holiday season seemed to be most notorious for accidents and emergencies.

 

 

On New Year’s Eve, Kyungsoo was already at his parent’s house, that was also located in Seoul but in a different district which housed mainly residential areas. His brother and a visiting unmarried uncle from his father’s side was there too to celebrate the New Year.

In the late afternoon, not long before the sunset during the short daylights of winter, Kyungsoo began helping his mother to prepare a New Year’s dinner with several dishes and condiments. Meanwhile, Kyungsoo’s brother, father, and uncle were sent on errands to get alcohol and snacks which they would have during the family’s yearly tradition of watching year-end countdown shows on TV.

Being the second best cook in the family after his mother, Kyungsoo always stayed behind to help his mother with the dinner because he simply didn’t trust his father and brother’s cooking.

 

 

Because of the heavier than usual snowfall that evening, it got dark faster than expected. Kyungsoo and his mother had finished cooking the dinner but the trio sent out on errands had yet to return by then.

Still wearing his apron on top of a wool sweater, Kyungsoo stood near the windows that faced out to the driveway, pulling the curtain open to look outside. The snow did not stop and it was already dark enough for the automatic streetlights to come on outside.

The road that ran in front of the house in between the row of houses on either side of the street was deserted and empty, with snow continuing to pile on the icy asphalt.

Kyungsoo sighed, hearing his mother walking around behind him, “They’re not home yet.”

“Oh, you know your dad. I bet he convinced them to stop somewhere so he can buy some tickets for the year-end lotto,” Kyungsoo’s mother reasoned.

“Yeah, I think you’re right. I forgot that he does that every year,” Kyungsoo agreed, continuing to stand by the window.

 

It had only been a few minutes since then and Kyungsoo was just deciding to go back to his room and check his phone when the familiar city taxi drove up and stopped in front of the driveway.

Thinking that it was his father, brother, and uncle, Kyungsoo instantly moved from the window to unlock the front door for them only to remember that they had actually left in their own car and not a taxi.

Kyungsoo canceled his trip to the door and returned to peer through the window to see two men emerging from the taxi, dressed in black coats under the fluttering snow. One of the men was considerably taller than the other and Kyungsoo immediately recognized the shorter men who saw Kyungsoo at the window and waved back to him.

It was Takeda and Kyungsoo didn’t need another second to think twice or question why, where, how and whom before he made a mad dash to the door while still wearing his apron and only house slippers.

 

Kyungsoo ran out to the driveway and towards the compound entrance of his parent’s house, despite the freezing weather and how inadequately dressed he was for the weather.

Kyungsoo was lost for words and even forgot how to breathe for a moment there as he stood face to face with the love of his life, Chanyeol, under all the snow falling on them in the evening winter sky.

“I’m home,” Chanyeol proudly declared with a smile.

 

Like the snow day on which they parted fourteen years ago, they were brought together again.

 

* * *

 

 

There, over there, that mountain is Baekdu Mountain,

Where, even in the middle of winter days, flowers bloom.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's the last verse of the Arirang poem :D ...cause they are together again.


	16. Withstand

 

Once the reality had sunk in that Chanyeol and Takeda were indeed there, standing in front of his parent’s house under the snow, Kyungsoo quickly rushed the both of his guests into the house away from the cold outside.

It was almost too good to believe at first. Kyungsoo even thought that he might have eaten something funny and that he was hallucinating because Kyungsoo was pretty sure of waking up that morning and that all of this wasn’t a dream.

Chanyeol never said anything about coming back to South Korea or visiting. The end of the year was not a time for international title tournaments because all the individual organizations were busy with their own inter-matches so Chanyeol wouldn’t need to be traveling during that time either.

Chanyeol mentioned how he was going to probably spend the New Year’s practicing Go alone by himself and Kyungsoo believed that.

But yet, Chanyeol was here, smiling and still covered from head to snow in now melting snow.

 

 

Chanyeol and Takeda each brought a travel bag with them that looked too small and too empty, making it obvious that they wouldn’t be staying for long or that they didn’t have enough time to pack before boarding a plane to Seoul.

Kyungsoo hadn’t even gotten to ask why they were there and why was all of this unannounced or whether he just didn’t get the memo of them coming over when his mother came into the living room and almost shrieked to see another two men in her house.

Kyungsoo’s mother was initially surprised but she immediately recognized Chanyeol and she began to smile, saying that she was happy that Chanyeol was visiting them. Kyungsoo’s mother began to worry about how she was going to house so many people in her three-bedroom house now.

Takeda, on the other hand, introduced himself in his accented Korean as Chanyeol’s assistant and mentioned how they were there to visit and that they would be staying in a hotel so she didn’t need to worry.

 

 

As usual, Takeda did most if not all of the talking on behalf of Chanyeol. From Takeda’s conversation with Kyungsoo’s mother, Kyungsoo learned that the decision to travel to Seoul was a last minute decision that Chanyeol insisted on going for personal reasons.

Kyungsoo helped put away Takeda and Chanyeol’s bag aside while they got settled in the living room and Kyungsoo’s mother hurriedly rearranged the dishes and cups on the dinner table to fit another two more people.

“We haven’t told my father that you are here. He’d be happy to see you here too,” Kyungsoo announced, returning to the living room with a warm face towel each for Takeda and Chanyeol to wipe off the melting snow from their hair.

“Sorry about that, it was a rather last minute plan and I couldn’t just let Chanyeol go by himself. I’m sorry for intruding on your family occasion,” Takeda apologized, politely accepting the warm face towel from Kyungsoo with Chanyeol sitting beside him on the couch.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about. My parents don’t mind either. They love guests,” Kyungsoo assured, handing over a warm face towel to Chanyeol too before sitting on the couch opposite from the two newcomers.

“I could have gone by myself,” Chanyeol mumbled under his breath, slowly.

“No you can’t,” Takeda insisted, “You only think you can but you’re going to get lost or freeze up at airport immigration for sure.”

Chanyeol huffed in defeat and ignored Takeda, continuing to wipe his neck with the face towel that was handed to him.

Kyungsoo chuckled at Takeda and Chanyeol’s antics as he looked towards the door every now and then in anticipation for his father, brother and uncle’s return from the trip to the store.

 

“So you’ve been cooking, huh?” Takeda asked Kyungsoo in an effort to make small talk, especially after dropping in unannounced.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo flustered, instantly removing the apron he had been wearing, not realizing that he had it on all this time, “-I was helping my mother with the New Year’s dinner. I hope you two can stay over for the dinner. My mom is laying out the dishes for you two too.”

“I’ll stay,” Chanyeol immediately piped up.

“Sure then,” Takeda agreed in unison, “-we might as well.”

“So, how are the year-end matches going on for you two?” Kyungsoo asked, continuing the conversation as he folded the apron in his hands.

“It’s good,” Takeda answered, “I might actually be promoted to professional 6-dan in the spring if I keep winning in the remaining matches. I don’t want to be stuck at 5-dan for the third year in a row now.”

“I see,” Kyungsoo nodded before remembering something else, “Oh, what about that professional tournament in September that the both of you were supposed to join in? I forgot about that and Chanyeol didn’t bring it up too over the phone. How did it go?”

 

In a split second after Kyungsoo finished asking his question, the living room that was filled by the sound of conversation fell silent. The silence was immediate and very much obvious especially when the sound of Kyungsoo’s mother clinking around pots and pans in the kitchen became the loudest sound there was.

“Uh...” Takeda gaped, balling up his fist with the towel in his grasp.

“We lost,” Chanyeol smiled, looking too happy about it. “I made it to the finals but I lost so I came in second place in the tournament. Takeda lost in the knockout rounds.”

Takeda looked like he had the life drained from himself, especially with his shoulders slouched as he muttered, “That was terrible, I made so many mistakes. Don’t remind me.”

Chanyeol added, “I was so confident in winning and I lost too. Coming in second place is a worse feeling, trust me.”

“That’s true,” Takeda recited, seemingly talking to himself, “It’s better to lose earlier on and that to know that you never had the chance, instead of thinking that you could have won it and going so far but to lose at the final.”

 

 

If Kyungsoo could curl up in a ball and hide or turn back time to take back what he said, he would surely do the above now. Kyungsoo didn’t know that they would react in that way by bringing up the tournament in September.

While Kyungsoo knew that Chanyeol didn’t exactly receive bad news too well, he wasn’t expecting Takeda to string along too. Kyungsoo was afraid that he had opened a can of worms and that the situation was now spiraling out of his control.

Kyungsoo felt rather remorseful, especially when he couldn’t fathom to understand how it felt to lose when your life depended on playing and winning a sport. Kyungsoo tried to be patient and accepting but he would never achieve that level of understanding to know how they really felt.

The world Chanyeol lived in was a completely different one than the one Kyungsoo lived in. And just maybe, Kyungsoo was beginning to feel like he was inadequate for Chanyeol.

 

“-but that’s alright,” Chanyeol faced Kyungsoo and kept smiling, looking very warm and welcoming despite how cold it was outside. As if Chanyeol could read Kyungsoo’s mind, he continued, “Don’t worry about me. Everything is fine. I was even able to laugh about losing that tournament. In fact, we even went out for a drink with the other guys too.”

A smile came to Kyungsoo’s face naturally, “I am glad to hear that. I believe in you.”

“Thank you for believing in me,” Chanyeol expressed, continuing to smile, “I’ll try to do better next time.”

 

While Chanyeol was genuinely smiling, he couldn’t help but begin to feel that maybe he was just a disappointment and a letdown to the others around him, especially to the one he loved the most, Kyungsoo.

Everyone cheered him on and supported him unconditionally, and Chanyeol knew that all he could do in return to prove to them was by winning and by being a better person than he was previously. But despite the number of trophies that lined the cabinets with his name on the plaque, Chanyeol felt like he wasn’t doing enough yet.

 

 

 

The trio consisting of Kyungsoo’s father, brother, and uncle returned shortly later. They were too happy to see Chanyeol there and pleased to be introduced to Takeda.

Kyungsoo’s brother and uncle who had not seen Chanyeol last summer when the latter was there to visit, still remembered him as “Kyungsoo’s friend that plays Go well”.

There was a lot of talking over dinner and Chanyeol was good at avoiding the conversations while everyone else didn’t seem to notice, a skill he had learned over the past few years.

 

Later in the night when the drinking and loud singing along to the year-end music festival shows on TV began, Kyungsoo retired to his room in his parent’s house.

Kyungsoo refused to drink because he had to go to work the first thing next morning. It would be considered a breach of procedures for the medical resident to be treating patients while hungover or even worse- still drunk from last night.

Kyungsoo’s mother had gone out to visit her friend at another party while the rest of his family and Takeda included were drinking and having an impromptu karaoke in the living room downstairs.

Wanting to spend the last hour of the year doing something else quieter, Kyungsoo left and went back to his room, especially when he began to notice that Chanyeol was not there either.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo entered his room and closed the door behind him. It was dark but Kyungsoo had left the sheer curtains on the sliding glass door to the small balcony in his room- drawn open. From there, Kyungsoo had some amount of light shining in from outside, mostly from the opposite neighbor’s house. The light in the neighbor’s house was turned on but it didn’t seem like anyone was home.

Kyungsoo padded his socked feet on the wooden floorboard surface to the desk in his room. Kyungsoo picked his phone up from the surface of the desk and checked it for notifications. There were a few messages from Kyungsoo’s co-workers, Sehun and the work chat group that consisted mostly of “Happy New Year” greetings.

Kyungsoo decided that he would reply to all those obligatory messages later on because there was something else at the top of his mind that he wanted to do now.

 

Kyungsoo placed his phone back down on the desk and looked up, towards the small balcony in his room that could be viewed from inside through the sliding glass doors.

Kyungsoo always had this room for himself but by the time his parents had moved to the house they currently lived in, Kyungsoo was already away at college and later in the military before getting his own apartment. Thus, Kyungsoo only ever stayed there during the holidays.

 

Under the dim lighting from outside that poured through the windows and glass door, Kyungsoo could see Chanyeol’s back from where he stood.

Chanyeol was on the balcony, leaning forward against the metal railings with his head looking up towards the snowy sky above and his warm breath forming mist in the cold air. Chanyeol was fully dressed in his black coat for the weather.

Chanyeol looked rather absorbed into the surroundings and did not notice that Kyungsoo had come into the room. Kyungsoo’s room was small enough for one standing outside on the balcony to hear someone coming into the room.

Kyungsoo picked up a jacket hanging from a hook on the wall before bracing himself to move from the warmth of his room to the cold outside to join Chanyeol on the balcony.

 

 

Chanyeol only realized that Kyungsoo was there when he heard the sliding doors being pushed open. Chanyeol looked over his shoulder and greeted, “Hey.”

“What are you up to?”, Kyungsoo asked, sliding the doors back in place as he joined Chanyeol on the balcony that was facing the neighbor’s yard and house.

“Nothing, just thinking,” Chanyeol answered, looking at Kyungsoo and then back at the night sky adorned with falling snow.

“What are you thinking about?” Kyungsoo had to ask, despite feeling a bit nosy after that. This was the first time in four months that they were alone together, after all.

Chanyeol took a while before replying, leaning his head in closer and lower to match Kyungsoo’s, “I’m just here for a few days. I’m going back to Japan in three days but I have a few things I need to do here before that which is why I decided to come.”

Kyungsoo slightly chuckled, joking, “What is it then? I thought you had come to visit me for once.”

Chanyeol smiled, “Of course I came here to see you too. It’s just that something else came along so I thought that I could visit you and do all those at the same time too.”

“Oh, is it about Go?” Kyungsoo suggested, thinking that Chanyeol would certainly ever go out of his way only for Go.

“Only partially,” Chanyeol revealed, “Do you remember that I told you about going to visit my family?”

“Yes, I do,” Kyungsoo recalled but dreaded what would come next in the conversation.

“I thought of going to visit my father while I’m here. I haven’t seen him in years and I would like to do that.” Chanyeol informed.

“When are you going?” Kyungsoo inquired while starting to feel that the cold was beginning to get to him and that he wouldn’t be able to stand out there much longer in just a jacket for insulation.

“I’m going tomorrow. Takeda got some train tickets and we’ll go to where he lives now. Do you want to come with me?” Chanyeol offered.

“I’m sorry, I can’t come with you. My shift starts at six in the morning tomorrow but it’s only a regular eight hours shift. I wouldn’t even be up this late if it weren’t for the New Year,” Kyungsoo had to decline, “I wish that I could have gone with you though.”

Chanyeol had a straight face on and his eyes that were fixed on Kyungsoo now began to wander as he spoke, “That’s fine then. It’s faster by train to our hometown and I’m not staying over. I’ll be back here in the evening.”

“Oh…okay then,” Kyungsoo trailed off, “-but I won’t be here after today. I’ll be back at my own place.”

“I’ll see you there then,” Chanyeol clarified, “Can you text me the address? I don’t remember the way there.”

“Sure, I’ll do that. I get off my shift at two in the afternoon so you can come after that time.” Kyungsoo notified Chanyeol.

 

Just then, a firework went off in the distance, lighting up the snowy night sky for a few seconds with its display of flashing and exploding colors before the boom sound was heard shortly later.

Both Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had turned to look out from the balcony at the firework rising and then going off. The house was in a dense residential area so it was common for one person in the area to start a firework that would lead to other people also letting off their fireworks.

“Looks like the fireworks have started,” Kyungsoo commented, “-it’s probably almost midnight now. The snow is lighter now so I think they decided to start now.”

“It was snowing like this too when we last saw each other before I moved away,” Chanyeol pointed out.

“You remember that,” Kyungsoo noted.

“Out of all the things that don’t have to do with Go, yeah,” Chanyeol affirmed.

 

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol did not catch another firework going off- until the sudden flash of light of the firework reaching the apex of its ascent into the sky- brightened up the sky and the surroundings around them, which was then followed by the familiar loud boom sound.

Both of them turned their heads to look at the few seconds of light display, brightly contrasting nicely against the black night sky.

“This reminds me of the summer festivals in Japan. I’m sorry I didn’t manage to bring you to any of the festivals this year,” Chanyeol apologized, his voice soft, “I’ll bring you the next time though.”

Kyungsoo grinned, “Does that mean I’ll have to book a ticket to Tokyo for next summer?”

“How about a one-way ticket to Tokyo with no return instead,” Chanyeol proposed.

“That would be nice wouldn’t it?”, Kyungsoo could imagine.

“I’m sure it would be as nice as this,” Chanyeol expressed, leaning in closer and nearer towards Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo stood still and unmoved with his head slightly tilted upwards to look at Chanyeol in the eye due to the height difference between them.

As the clock neared midnight, the snowfall came to a stop as the air grew chillier and the fireworks going off in the sky increased by the minute. Soon enough, the night sky was constantly lit by the numerous arrays of the fireworks display in an array of colors and sizes. There was also a noticeable growing smell of sulfur in the air, a usual accompaniment with fireworks.

All that was ignored when Kyungsoo and Chanyeol both leaned into each other at the same time to join themselves in a deep and passionate kiss under the glimmer of the fireworks in the sky.

Chanyeol held Kyungsoo’s face within his hands and Kyungsoo had his hands around Chanyeol’s waist. It was cold everywhere else except between them.

This love was a wonderful thing especially when it was two good friends in love with each other.

 

 

 

At five o’clock the following morning on New Year’s Day after only three and a half hours of sleep, Kyungsoo left for work feeling tired and wanting to do nothing but sleep when he got home later in the afternoon, even though he was expecting Chanyeol over later in the day.

Chanyeol woke up in his hotel room at six in the morning and left an hour later to visit his father in their hometown, which he didn’t manage to do when he was there last year in the spring with Kyungsoo.

 

 

Takeda guided himself and Chanyeol to the train station, not far from their hotel, and found the platform and specific train that would bring them back to Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s hometown. It was a public holiday so the train station was rather packed and busy that day with people bustling to and from their destinations.

 

Chanyeol dressed in all black, blending in with the crowd as he let Takeda lead him through. Chanyeol disliked standing out and found it uncomfortable to be the center of attention, despite his profession that basically pushed himself to attention very often.

Out of all people, Chanyeol would know that that was contradicting but he hadn’t always been like this, and Chanyeol knew and mourned that fact the most.

 

 

During the train ride, Chanyeol sat beside a window with Takeda by his side. Chanyeol rested his head back on the headrest of the seat as his eyes followed the fast-moving scenery that passed by.

Chanyeol himself was too rather sleep deprived, being used to sleeping longer than five or six hours. But it was impossible for Chanyeol to try and fall asleep now, in anticipation what would he face very soon.

Chanyeol wasn’t too hopeful and optimistic about meeting his father for the first time in over five years. But even then, their meeting was brief at the funeral of his mother and sister and Chanyeol spoke nothing to him.

 

Now that Chanyeol was so close to it, he began to question why he even decided to do this in the first place.

 

 

Once they had arrived, about an hour away from Seoul by train, Takeda hailed a taxi outside the train station and showed the driver the address to Chanyeol’s father’s house. Chanyeol personally didn’t know where his father lived now at until he braved himself to call his brother-in-law, Junmyeon, to ask for the address and contact information.

After the divorce, Chanyeol had moved to Japan and his mother and sister had moved to another city to live with some relatives.

Chanyeol’s father, Park Sungjin, had been informed that Chanyeol was going to visit that day and thus had sent his now wife and young daughter out to a friend’s house for the day.

 

 

The taxi dropped Chanyeol off right in front of his father’s home. Takeda remained in the taxi and said that he would be waiting in a café somewhere to give Chanyeol some privacy and time alone with his father.

Chanyeol didn’t want to feel that way but he felt appalled to see the homely house that Sungjin lived in now with his new family. This was Chanyeol’s home too at one time and he had no remorse about not returning there for almost half of his life now.

Even in the coldest month of the year, the house looked warm, welcoming and as if it was showing how happy the residents are.

Chanyeol felt sick to think that his mother and sister should have deserved that same happiness too before the family was torn apart by the divorce.

Chanyeol knew and admitted that he was still bitter at that fact even now, but he tried to let it go and shake off the thought before he made the decision to press on the doorbell of the house that could have been his too.

Chanyeol’s home wasn’t here anymore, he knew it was somewhere else where Kyungsoo was with him.

 

 

The door was answered quickly by Sungjin, who was now retired, ran a business and was in his early sixties.

“Hello,” Chanyeol greeted, standing tall and straight outside at the doorstep without a single hint of emotion in his almost robotic voice. It was just one simple word but Chanyeol had exhausted almost his courage there and then to just say that. It was a situation Chanyeol didn’t want to be in.

“Hi there, Chanyeol,” Sungjin replied, looking a tad bit lost for words. He knew Chanyeol was coming over, he just had a hard time believing that it was actually happening.

Chanyeol didn’t want to step into the house and was almost fine with having the meeting with Sungjin while standing at the doorstep of his house. In fact, he was starting to regret the decision to see his father and just wanted everything to be over now.

Sungjin continued, “Well, are you ready? If you are, I’ll get dressed then get my car and we can go. Do you want to wait inside?”

“I’m ready, I’ll wait outside,” Chanyeol responded, standing his ground.

“Okay, give me a minute.” Sungjin excused himself, closing the door but not locking it in place in case Chanyeol changed his mind about going inside.

 

 

Chanyeol waited outside in the cold dry air where every breath formed mist around his mouth. Chanyeol fixed the scarf around his neck and slipped his hands into the pockets of his coat for extra warmth.

The small yard in the house’s compound was barren and covered in frost in the dead of winter. There was barely any sign of life on it now but Chanyeol remembered things very differently.

Chanyeol looked towards the ground, unable to look up and straight at the house he used to call home.

 

Sungjin emerged from the house some minutes later, fully dressed in his coat and carrying a covered picnic basket which he handed to Chanyeol.

“I have everything we need in there. Let’s go,” Sungjin mentioned, pointing to the garage.

Chanyeol nodded and followed Sungjin to the car in the garage, sitting himself down in the front passenger seat with the covered picnic basket resting on his lap.

 

 

The drive was quiet even for a father and son who had not seen each other in years and had not spoken for even longer than that.

Sungjin tried asking Chanyeol simple generic questions and Chanyeol could only answer in a few words. But Sungjin understood what Chanyeol was going through and how difficult even being there was for him.

At first, the car drove in between large straight town roads lined with shop buildings and people seen around. Then, the roads grew deserter, narrower, windier and only trees and the sides of mountains became the sight outside.

 

Chanyeol knew these roads and where it led to. Everyone who had lived in the surrounding areas all knew this place. He had been here a few times when he was younger, but not in the recent years. This was the road that led to the local gravesite, where half the ashes of Chanyeol’s mother and sister were laid to rest at.

 

 

After less than an hour by car through the windy mountainous roads, Sungjin pulled up the car and parked at what looked like to be an informal car park made of stones and dirt at the base of a  lower hill in between the surrounding mountains.

Just like the surrounding area in the middle of the winter, the place was completely devoid of other life forms. It was just Chanyeol, his father and the immense figurative barrier he could feel in front of him.

Chanyeol carried the basket and hiked up the hill along the stone steps that had been engraved into the hillside. Sungjin let Chanyeol walk ahead of him, knowing that he was slow due to his age.

The hike to the hilltop took less than half an hour. The cold was a bigger enemy compared to the fatigue at this time of the year.

 

It was about high noon by the time they reached the peak of the hill, giving a few more hours of sunlight before sunset. Chanyeol could see the afternoon sun, low in the sky at the horizon in the winter. The last time he was here five years ago, it was summer and he remembered only the anguish and pain instead of how high in the sky the sun was.

Higher up, the winds were stronger and considerably colder and biting to the skin. Chanyeol noticed how he could now remember extra bits and details now that he had managed to put some things out of the way.

The world was slowly becoming clearer to him now.

 

 

On the flat surface of the hilltop, both Chanyeol and Sungjin could begin to see the rows upon rows of grey-colored stone grave markers with names inscribed onto the surfaces.

The graveyard would usually be filled with visiting people and relatives of the deceased before Chuseok and before the Lunar New Year. At this time of the year, especially in the height of winter, it was deserted except for people like Chanyeol who felt that he needed to be there.

The gravestones were numbered to make it easier for people to find the graves of their relatives and ancestors. Chanyeol had forgotten the number on the gravestones of his mother and sister, only remembering that they were buried side by side to each other.

Sungjin never forgot the number and led Chanyeol to their gravestones.

 

 

Chanyeol did remember the ritual when visiting a relative’s grave, however. Without exchanging a single word between them, Chanyeol knelt on the ground and set the picnic basket down on the frozen ground before taking out two apples that he passed to Sungjin.

Chanyeol also took another two more apples out from the basket which he placed carefully on top of the stone slab under the grave markers, one each for his mother and sister.

Sungjin too knelt on the ground and mimicked Chanyeol’s actions, arranging the apple beside the one Chanyeol had put out.

 

Chanyeol retrieved the rice wine bottle from the picnic basket and the two small glasses in it, before pouring the wine out into the glasses with a solemn face and mood.

Chanyeol handed one glass out to Sungjin who promptly drank at least half of the glass before pouring out the remaining contents onto both graves. Chanyeol followed suit after his father, quiet as ever.

After bowing three times for both graves, Chanyeol packed up the picnic basket and left the gravesite, going back down the hill to wait at the car.

 Sungjin remained at the graves for a bit more before beginning his descent down the hill.

 

 

As Chanyeol was making his way down, he could only remember how painful it was the last time he was visiting his mother and sister’s final resting place.

He could clearly remember his screams and his cries at the denial and inability to accept their deaths at their funeral. Chanyeol had yet to feel any pain closer to that in all his thirty years of life, and he hoped that he would never have to.

But this time, Chanyeol only felt plain and empty with not even a single word had left his mouth since he arrived there.

Chanyeol could only hope that by doing this, he would finally be able to move on and actually remember that they were gone, instead of being haunted by a false belief.

 

 

The drive back was as quiet and felt shorter than initially. Sungjin drove diligently with his attention focused on the road ahead and Chanyeol looked out to the window at his side. Chanyeol didn’t feel like he wanted it to be over as soon as possible anymore, but he did feel the wall of separation between himself and his father that was growing ever wider.

Chanyeol had nothing to say to his father and he was fine with it being that way. Chanyeol only spoke to let Sungjin know to drop him off at the café where Takeda had been waiting at for about three hours now.

Before that, Sungjin almost wanted to invite Chanyeol for a drink at the house but backpedaled on it upon hearing what little Chanyeol had to say about wanting to be elsewhere.

 

 

When the car arrived and stopped on the sidewalk outside the café in the town center, Chanyeol quickly unbuckled his seat belt and had his hand on the door handle, ready to leave, when he heard Sungjin calling out his name.

Sungjin then went silent and seemed to be finding something to say before deciding on, “Take care, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol looked to the side to his father in the driver’s seat and muttered the words, “You too”, before promptly leaving the car and closing the door before entering the café to meet up with Takeda without turning to look back. Sungjin too continued to drive on without looking back.

This was the way things were between them now and somehow, they were both okay with it and that was all that mattered.

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo finally clocked out from his shift at five in the evening after three hours of overtime, three hours later than he hoped. The hospital was rather understaffed on the holiday and an accident victim needing emergency treatment had come in just as Kyungsoo’s shift was about to end.

While the attending doctor and resident medical officer was assigned to the accident victim, Kyungsoo had to take over their duties in the meantime which was mostly diagnosing outpatients with the common cold, prescribing them medication and then sending them home to rest.

Kyungsoo could only leave when the accident victim was stabilized and the attending doctor was able to return to their post.

 

 

It was dark and the sun had set by the time Kyungsoo got off the subway at the nearest station to his apartment. Kyungsoo groaned at the thought that he still had a few more minutes of walking to be done to get back to his apartment.

While an eleven hours shift was a breeze to Kyungsoo, he only had less than fours of sleep the previous night and all he wanted to do was just curl up in his bed and go to sleep.

Kyungsoo staggered on the all too familiar sidewalk pathway that led from the subway station to the high-rise apartment block that Kyungsoo lived in. Kyungsoo’s eyes were heavy and he managed to catch himself before dozing off while trying to get back to his apartment. Kyungsoo literally felt himself about to sleepwalk and thanked his muscle memory for being able to keep him going even while half-asleep.

What would usually be a less than ten minutes walk seemed longer than that and Kyungsoo only realized halfway that he had forgotten his umbrella at the hospital. At least it wasn’t snowing, Kyungsoo sleepily thought.

 

 

In his drowsy stupor, Kyungsoo could finally imagine the relief of rest, sleep and the comfort of his bed when the elevator reached his floor and he stumbled out of it to walk to his apartment unit which was the second last one down the corridor.

If Kyungsoo was half-asleep then, he was surely awake now when he was greeted by the sight of Chanyeol sitting on the floor in front of his door. The surprise of seeing Chanyeol there basically woke Kyungsoo up, especially when he finally remembered that Chanyeol had said about visiting him after work.

Chanyeol was sitting with his back to the door, his knees raised and his head lowered down to the floor. Chanyeol heard someone coming and lifted his head to see who it was, relieved to finally see Kyungsoo.

 

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol called out, rising to his feet and looking weary.

“Chanyeol! I had to do some overtime, I should have texted you to let you know. How long have you been waiting here?” Kyungsoo reacted, alarmed.

“About an hour or so…I think,” Chanyeol muttered, looking over Kyungsoo’s shoulder instead of directly at Kyungsoo.”

“I’m so sorry,” Kyungsoo profusely apologized, attempting to bow his head in apology.

“It’s ok. It wasn’t that long. Can you let me in? Its cold out here and I’m very tired,” Chanyeol responded, seemingly rather adrift while holding Kyungsoo at the shoulder to stop the latter from bowing. Chanyeol didn’t need an apology.

 

Kyungsoo promptly keyed in the security code on the electronic door lock to unlock his apartment.

Once the door was unlocked, Kyungsoo pushed down the door handle to push it open. Chanyeol didn’t hesitate to make his way into the dark apartment right after Kyungsoo had just opened the door, leaving Kyungsoo still standing outside in the doorway by the electronic panel on the wall.

 

Kyungsoo stepped into his dark apartment and took off his shoes at the doorway. The door was still left open and unlocked, shining light in from the corridor.

Chanyeol was now standing beside the glass doors that led out to the balcony, looking outside at the view of the city below. It was the first night of the year and coincidentally a full moon with complete visibility too that night.

The soft moonlight shone in from outside through the glass doors and windows, illuminating the apartment and on Chanyeol’s face.

 

Kyungsoo was tired but he could tell that Chanyeol was even more tired than he said to be. Chanyeol was a man of few words but his words carried a very heavy weight when he did speak.

And there was probably some things to be talked about now.

 

 


	17. Adjudicature

 

It was a good fine day in the summer, five years ago. It was nicely warm and not uncomfortably hot either. The sky was clear and blue. Scattered and dispersed clouds in the sky often gave shade from the blaring sun above that day.

The sea breeze that constantly blew from the beach nearby was cooling and the smell of sea salt in the air reminded everyone of how blissful it was.

Everything seemed all too perfect and earlier that afternoon. Chanyeol had just won the Japan National Go Tournament for the second year in a row, where he locked his opponent into conceding on the third round on the third day of the tournament.

That year’s match was hosted and took place in the city of Shimoda, a primarily resort and coastal city that was of course by the sea.

 

That year, Chanyeol had driven three hours from Tokyo with his mother and sister to attend the match in Shimoda- instead of taking the train to the tournament location like he did every year.

Following Chanyeol’s victory in the Japan National Go Tournament the previous year at the age of twenty-four, Chanyeol made history by becoming the youngest and the first foreigner to win Japan’s most prestigious Go tournament.

 

 

Chanyeol began competing in the yearly national tournament since the age of seventeen but he never won the tournament and only managed to come in as far as the second or third place in the finals in the past few years.

Chanyeol’s mother and sister often expressed their interest in accompanying and attending his matches to support him, but he would politely turn them down every year because he didn’t want them to see him lose.

Chanyeol held great pride for himself when it came to Go.

 

This time, especially after last year’s victory, Chanyeol was extremely confident in winning and he was the first to extend the invitation for his mother and sister to attend that year’s tournament.

Chanyeol’s mother and sister took the entire week off to fly to Japan and attend Chanyeol’s match this time.

And like Chanyeol thought he would win, he did win that year’s tournament indeed.

 

Chanyeol could still remember how happy he felt when he saw the smiling faces of his mother and sister when they were told that Chanyeol had won.

Chanyeol could still remember the voice of his mentor congratulating him over the phone all the way from Tokyo.

Chanyeol could still remember the weight of Mr. Fujiwara’s hand on his shoulder while cheering on Chanyeol’s victory.

Chanyeol had made them proud and that was what he was truly after above all the fame and victory.

 

 

After the match, Chanyeol thanked them all in his victory speech and stayed behind to answer questions from journalists, reporters and Go enthusiasts alike. Chanyeol obliged when asked for pictures and he smiled wide in all of them.

Even though Chanyeol won again in the years to come, it was the last time that Chanyeol would ever hold a victory speech and stayed behind after a tournament

ended.

 

 

On the journey home that evening from Shimoda and back to Tokyo, the car drove along a road that cut through the side of a mountain over a deep ravine.

The sun had not set yet at that time. Visibility was good but strong crosswinds and bad navigation caused the car to skid off the road and plunge head-on into the forest-covered ravine below.

Chanyeol’s sister was driving and his mother was in the front passenger seat. Chanyeol sat in the rear passenger seat and he was the only one who was pulled out of the wreckage- alive and in one piece.

 

 

Chanyeol woke up in the hospital a day later, where he asked for his mother and sister. Instead, he was brought down to the morgue and told to identify their bodies so the proper arrangements and procedure could be carried out.

Now, Chanyeol barely remembered the whole thing except for how empty he felt and how cold it was in that hospital morgue.

 

 

 

Chanyeol, Sungjin, and Junmyeon were chief mourners at the funeral, but Chanyeol could only sit down in silence, still in shock, while holding up a framed portrait of his mother during the procession. Everything else was done by his father and brother-in-law.

Chanyeol expected to be sad and in grief but he only felt unexplainably empty at that time. Chanyeol could not cry and he had a hard time believing if all of this was even real. Because none of it felt real.  

 

 

When the funeral procession ended at the crematory and when Chanyeol saw their caskets being loaded into the furnace, Chanyeol immediately felt the rush of emotions surging through him all at once.

It was too many emotions for one man and Chanyeol broke down, crying and sobbing uncontrollably. Chanyeol begged his father and Junmyeon to stop the cremation process, in denial that his mother and sister had passed.

As much as it hurt everyone there to hear Chanyeol’s anguish, there was nothing that could be done.

 

 

After half of the ashes were buried in their home in South Korea, the other half was brought to Japan and scattered into the sea by the coast of Shimoda as it was the last place they visited before their deaths.

During the ceremony, everyone was stunned when Chanyeol told Junmyeon that he didn’t need to do so because they were still alive and that they would come to visit him in the summer next year for sure.

They never came of course.

 

 

What was denial that everyone believed to be out of immense grief and guilt, eventually turned into a false belief and a drastic personality change caused by the lasting damage from the accident.

On some days, Chanyeol would mourn their deaths and on other days, he would talk about how he would spend the days when his mother and sister came over to visit him.

 

 

 

Now, five years later and going into six years in the coming summer, Chanyeol wouldn’t say that he had gotten over everything. But he did indeed found something else that he could look forward to, something else that could put a smile on his face again and something else he loved.

 

And that something was the person standing in front of him, bathing under the glowing moonlight that poured inside the modest apartment through the glass windows and doors.

Chanyeol did not fail to see and realize what he had now, but he did feel overwhelming like he was drowning and struggling within the depths of the murky water that was his life.

Chanyeol felt weighed down, heavy and struggling to just try and breathe. Chanyeol wondered if he would ever even resurface.

 

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo called, reaching out an arm to Chanyeol but pulling it back before he even touched Chanyeol.

As if his trance was broken, Chanyeol arose when he heard his name called out by the voice he had come to love to hear the most.

Chanyeol glanced over his shoulder to see Kyungsoo standing behind him under the illumination of the soft moonlight seeping in through the windows.

Kyungsoo was equally as quiet too. Kyungsoo was no mind reader but it didn’t take a genius either to know how much Chanyeol was in silent pain and suffering at that moment.

“Do you want to sit down?” Kyungsoo softly asked, motioning to the couch in the living room that was pushed up against the wall to create more space in the already small apartment.

 

Chanyeol did not verbally answer the question but Kyungsoo took it as a yes when Chanyeol walked over on the wooden floorboards to the couch in long strides before plopping himself down on the cushions that made up the couch.

Chanyeol had yet to take off his shoes and coat even though he had been inside for a while now. While Kyungsoo would have fussed about people wearing shoes in his apartment, he let it slide this time.

Besides, it was very much like of the current Chanyeol to forget to take off his shoes when inside. It was one of the little quirks that made Chanyeol unique, that might have or might not have contributed to the factors that led to Kyungsoo falling for him.

Kyungsoo chose to not bug Chanyeol about taking off his coat too either. That wasn’t important at that moment.

 

 

Kyungsoo joined Chanyeol on the couch very soon after Chanyeol had sat down. Kyungsoo sat on the other end of his brown couch from Chanyeol, leaving at least a few feet of space between them. Kyungsoo was very comfortable with Chanyeol and had no qualms regarding

Chanyeol rested his forearm on the armrests, with his fingernails unconsciously lightly digging into the fabric that made up the couch. Kyungsoo noticed this but Chanyeol surely didn’t.

 

Kyungsoo liked this particular type and brand of couch, which came with thick and deep cushions that allowed a person to sink into it when sitting down- that being one of the main reasons why he had bought it in the first place.

But right now, Kyungsoo only felt smaller as if the couch was swallowing him whole, especially with how his weight made him sink so much into the cushion. Kyungsoo not only felt small in the presence of Chanyeol whom he always admired- but also rather helpless.

Kyungsoo could feel Chanyeol’s anguish and sadness, acting like a sponge that absorbed the emotions of those around him. Kyungsoo wanted to help to do anything he could to relief Chanyeol from the torment, but he found himself unable to say or do anything to help ease Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo just felt like he had to say or do something for Chanyeol, but all that happened was nothing but utter silence between the both of them as they sat on that brown couch in the dimly lit apartment’s living room space, illuminated from the moonlight that came in through the glass windows.

 

 

Kyungsoo never felt or heard silence as much as this before, despite how much of an oxymoron it all sounded. Kyungsoo felt that maybe that statement itself was an exaggeration but it certainly felt surreal when Kyungsoo realized that there was still a lot more to Chanyeol which he had yet to learn and understand.

Kyungsoo attributed it to the distance and long separation between them all these years. But at least, Kyungsoo reveled in the fact that he was at least doing something about it now.

Kyungsoo tried hard as he may push the intrusive thoughts aside, to be the first one to break the dead silence between himself and Chanyeol. While they may have shared many conversations and words with each other, there was a noticeable tension in the air surrounding them this time that made even the simplest of words hard to say between two people who were very used to each other.

 

 

“Chanyeol…” Kyungsoo called out again, his voice trailing off.

Chanyeol, whose hand was still digging into the fabric of the couch as his head was turned to look out of the window instead, only made a slight noise to acknowledge that he had indeed heard Kyungsoo calling out to him.

Kyungsoo was glad enough that Chanyeol heard him, glad that Chanyeol wasn’t drifting off and lost in a haze like he had the tendency to do so. Not that Kyungsoo had any problem with that, he just didn’t know what it would take to be able to drag Chanyeol back away from that haze.

“Do you want to talk about it? I’m here to listen,” Kyungsoo offered, moving ever so slightly on the couch, putting himself just a little bit closer to Chanyeol on the other end. Kyungsoo quickly backpedaled, “-or if you don’t want to, then that’s fine too. I’m here for you.”

Chanyeol moved his head slowly and rather stiffly, averting his gaze from the window at the side of the couch to the blank wall and space across from where he was seated.

 

 

It was dark in the apartment still and the moon orbiting in the night sky had shifted from its previous position, now illuminating the apartment with its soft glow from a different angle.

Kyungsoo started wondering why he hadn’t turned on the lights in his apartment yet. It was such a basic and routine thing he did whenever he came home after it was dark. Then again, he was rather caught up and worried about Chanyeol to even think about that.

“It’s cold tonight, isn’t it?” Chanyeol commented, still staring ahead at the plain painted wall across the living room.

 

“It is,” Kyungsoo agreed, honestly not expecting such a plain or obvious statement from Chanyeol.

Chanyeol was still wearing his coat and shoes indoors, after all, but Kyungsoo didn’t know if it was because he was cold or because it was much like of him to forget to take them off.

Kyungsoo then asked, “Do you want me to turn the temperature up?” Personally, Kyungsoo felt the temperature inside to be just nice, but he was just being considerate of Chanyeol.

“There’s no need to,” Chanyeol responded but immediately contradicting his statement right after, by hunching down his upper half as if he was crouching while sitting on the couch, and then hugging his arms around his waist as if he was cold and seeking warmth.

Kyungsoo was needlessly confused by Chanyeol’s actions, but he trusted Chanyeol’s words.

 

Chanyeol was quiet again as he almost unnoticeably lightly rocked back and forth in that position on the couch.

The silence was pressuring and deafening and Kyungsoo just felt like he should be saying something, but also believing at the same time that sometimes it was okay to just be quiet and be in the silence together.

This was about Chanyeol now and not him, Kyungsoo reminded himself. It was alright to let Chanyeol take his time and break the silence to speak up first, even for someone who rarely talked in the first place.

 

Chanyeol turned his head to look out the glass panels of the window on the wall beside the couch where he was seated at.

Kyungsoo’s apartment was in a residential area so there was no breathtaking or magnificent view to note out of his window. It was just highrise concrete apartment buildings that didn’t look too much different from each other, with maybe a playground or small manmade park built between each building or so.

It had stopped snowing but it hadn’t snowed enough for the snow to cover the ground. The landscape outside the window was just cold, dark, bare and dead like almost everything was in January.

 

 

 

The silence would continue a bit longer until Chanyeol opened his mouth to say something and suddenly felt like he forgot to speak again.

Chanyeol spoke two languages fluently and understood a few more others but he would always feel like this at times, and he hated it. It felt as if all the words, phrases and the vocabulary he had learned and known to heart had suddenly disappeared from his memory.

The feeling would ease up around people he knew well or people whom he recognized as those he felt comfortable to be with. Only then, he would find the words and sentences flowing through him naturally.

But even in situations where Chanyeol had to speak or was expected to do so when this feeling hit him, he could not beat it no matter what.

 

When it struck, Chanyeol couldn’t express himself, no matter if he was feeling happy or otherwise. Chanyeol could be screaming on the inside, desperately begging and pleading for help, but nothing would come out of his mouth.

It was as if Chanyeol forgot to speak. Simply put, Chanyeol felt mute.

 

 

Thankfully, around Kyungsoo, it didn’t feel too hard but this time Chanyeol still had to feel like he was physically wrangling the words from his memory to conjure up something to say. Because Chanyeol really wanted to talk to and tell Kyungsoo about it.

“I feel like a child because everyone needs to take care of me,” were the first words that came out of Chanyeol’s mouth again, spoken rather shakily and hoarsely.

“I’m sorry. Why do you feel that way? Is everything alright?” Kyungsoo cautiously asked, his response almost immediate and natural.

Chanyeol was still hunched over at the waist, hugging his own waist as he was seated on the couch as he continued without answering Kyungsoo’s question, “I miss the person I used to be.”

 

Kyungsoo gently rested a palm on Chanyeol’s upper back, rubbing it up and down along Chanyeol’s back. Kyungsoo would stop at the middle of Chanyeol’s back before moving his palm back up, never going lower than that and never going higher than the bones of Chanyeol’s shoulder.

The action felt rather reassuring and welcoming for Chanyeol, even if it was just feeling the slight weight of Kyungsoo’s hand moving on his back.

More importantly, it made Chanyeol felt like there was someone from his past that had not completely left him, and was still there for him.

It helped ease Chanyeol to say a bit more, hoping that maybe this would calm the demons he had to fight within himself.

 

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol almost had to choke out to say, “I remember…I remember how they died. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I don’t even know which is real sometimes but now I do. I can remember everything.”

Kyungsoo felt Chanyeol trembling up even more from where his hand was on Chanyeol’s back. Kyungsoo scooted up closer to Chanyeol, sitting right next to him on the couch now. Sitting so close that the sides of their knees and arms were brushing against each other.

From having a hand on Chanyeol’s back, Kyungsoo also now had a hand firmly grasping Chanyeol’s knee.

 

“It’s alright, Chanyeol. It’s alright,” Kyungsoo continued to recite, softly and growingly reassuring with everytime he repeated the words.

“I know,” Chanyeol began to cry, just a single tear rolling down his cheek and staining his face. “I know that everyone’s time will come to an end and that just happened to be theirs. I accept that but I feel stupid. I feel stupid because I remember being so happy when I think that they are alive again. And now that I know that they are forever gone, I can’t stop hating for myself.”

 

Chanyeol straightened his back, sitting up straight but still facing ahead instead of at Kyungsoo beside him.

Kyungsoo kept a hand firmly on Chanyeol’s back, unmoving and steady to remind Chanyeol that he was there for him always.

“I don’t know how long I will remember this now. I don’t know when I will start thinking that they are still here and are going to visit me. I just know that I feel very very bad whenever I realize the truth. I hate remembering at times and not remembering at times,” Chanyeol revealed, his voice low and faint.

Chanyeol shook his head in disapproval at no one but himself, “I’m sure Takeda must have told you that it was because of the accident. That a severe concussion and the trauma that caused my lapses in memory regarding the accident. I feel so stupid sometimes.”

“He has,” Kyungsoo answered, continuing, “You are not stupid, Chanyeol. You are one of the best Go players alive in the entire world.”

“Of course he has,” Chanyeol muttered under his breath but Kyungsoo was close enough to hear that.

“Do you know why I got so good at Go?” Chanyeol posed the question which he answered for himself, ”It’s not even a secret at all, to be honest. It just hurts me so much to be alive sometimes, but playing Go doesn’t hurt me. I can shut the entire world out but the game and that’s how I win.”

Kyungsoo withheld his silence, letting Chanyeol talk now that he had finally managed to do so.

Chanyeol chuckled dryly, “I guess I started losing lately because I’ve been opening up to the world I’ve shut out for so long, and I’m just not used to it yet. I haven’t felt like that since we were in school. Thank you, Kyungsoo.”

 

With that said, Chanyeol smiled even in between his sadness, turning to look at Kyungsoo so close beside him for probably the first time that evening.

Kyungsoo smiled softly back, “You are fine the way you are, Chanyeol. I still love you the same, now and then,” Kyungsoo assured.

 

If Chanyeol had been struggling to maintain composed then, he completely broke down after. Chanyeol began sobbing out loud and trembling under Kyungsoo’s touch, uncontrollably heaving and crying out like a child.

It felt terrible but it also felt relieving at the same time to Chanyeol. Relieving because Chanyeol finally managed to find the one person he could tell it all too, and how he managed to articulate all his words in the way he wanted after all these years of struggling in the silence. Terrible at the same time because Chanyeol the pain he felt on that day was as strong as it was today, over five years later.

Chanyeol and now Kyungsoo knew that the pain would never fade, that the wounds would always feel fresh, whenever Chanyeol forgot and then remembered again about the truth.

But that didn’t change anything between them.

 

 

 

Chanyeol never took off his coat nor his shoes that night. Kyungsoo forgot in himself to nag about it, even if the situation that night had been appropriate right to do so. There were a time and place for nagging and certainly not at a grieving person.

Chanyeol slept soundly, fully dressed in his coat and shoes on Kyungsoo’s bed beside Kyungsoo himself that night.

Kyungsoo laid down further up on the bed while Chanyeol slept a bit lower, so as to even out their height difference which was noticeable even when lying down. All so Chanyeol could gently rest his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulders while they slept.

 

 

Chanyeol was the first to wake up and when he shifted in bed, it woke Kyungsoo up too.

After everything that had culminated yesterday, Chanyeol had one of the best sleep last night, even though he woke up with dry eyes and a throbbing headache from crying a bit too much the previous night.

The first thing on Chanyeol’s mind when he woke up, was that he still remembered the deaths of his mother and sister. Another day of remembering it and Chanyeol wondered how long he would remember this time.

 

 

When they woke up, it was a bit before sunrise and that was evident from how the sky looked like a mixture of dusky light and dark blue from the windows in Kyungsoo’s room. It was still dark inside, nice enough to go back to sleep should they have wished to.

Kyungsoo checked the time on his phone on the dresser beside his bed just to make sure, thinking that he and Chanyeol might have slept the entire day and woke up near evening instead.

 

“Do you have to go to work today?” Chanyeol asked, his voice a bit dry and his throat feeling a bit sore.

Chanyeol was still lying down on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and Kyungsoo had an arm around Chanyeol. Chanyeol was very much comfortable but Kyungsoo wasn’t going to tell Chanyeol now that he could barely feel his arm after having it in that position for hours.

“In the afternoon yeah. I’m free in the morning though,” Kyungsoo replied, closing his eyes and wishing he could go back to sleep again, procrastinating on having to get up so soon yet.

“I have to call Takeda and meet up with him today,” Chanyeol mentioned, sitting up and getting up from the bed to reach into his coat pockets for his phone.

Kyungsoo immediately pulled his cramped arm back to his side, resting it on his stomach. “When are you going back to Japan?” Kyungsoo asked, sleepily.

“I’m going back tomorrow evening. There’s something I still have to do today,” Chanyeol answered, taking off his coat and then sitting on the edge of the bed when he finally remembered to take his shoes off.

“Does it have to do with Go?” Kyungsoo questioned, opening his heavy tired eyes slightly to blurrily see without his glasses of Chanyeol’s figure sitting at the edge of his bed.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol replied before calling Takeda on his phone.

Kyungsoo grunted a reply that sounded like a “yes” before attempting to get a bit more of sleep. Kyungsoo honestly forgot how tired he had been the previous night.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo did wake up a bit later to accompany Chanyeol to the coffee shop near the hotel where Takeda and Chanyeol were supposed to be staying at, except Chanyeol had spent the night with Kyungsoo instead.

The pair took the subway for half the way and walked for the other half.

It had snowed a bit earlier in the morning, although the roads and sidewalks had been cleared up, the snow shoved to the sides of the curb and the ground still quite slippery from the ice.

The air was dry but chilly. Kyungsoo pulled up his scarf to cover his mouth and nose too when it began to hurt his sinus to breathe in the air. Chanyeol didn’t seem bothered by it, however.

Chanyeol could always stand the cold better than Kyungsoo did, after all. Then again, Kyungsoo didn’t fare well in the heat either and Chanyeol still seemed unbothered by that too.

 

 

When they arrived and were seated at the cozy coffee shop which was one of the many of a popular local chain, Takeda began speaking very fast in Japanese to Chanyeol. That was way too fast and way too complicated for a beginner learner of the language like Kyungsoo to catch.

Kyungsoo who was sitting beside Chanyeol, saw Takeda slide a sealed brown paper envelope over the table to Chanyeol, which Chanyeol accepted and moved over to his side of the table.

Kyungsoo looked at the screen of his phone for a few seconds before looking out the window as they were seated at a booth by the window. There wasn’t much to see except the view of the sidewalk and the road outside the building, and the occasional passerby stacked in their thick winter clothing walking down the street.

 

 

“We’re going to see someone later today,” Chanyeol announced, telling it to Kyungsoo.

“Oh, sure, go ahead. I might be at work so I don’t think I can come with you,” Kyungsoo responded.

Chanyeol added, “The association wants me to take in an apprentice so Takeda and I are going to meet a teenager who might be my apprentice. I think it’s about time I do so too now that I’m old and experienced enough. I have gotten a few offers from the parents of young aspiring Go players to take in their child as my apprentice, but I haven’t decided yet.”

“I see,” Kyungsoo nodded, “I guess it’s normal for you to do that and continue the tradition like your mentor before you.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol affirmed, “-if we choose someone from here, then we’ll have to sponsor a visa for the apprentice to come over and live in Japan. So we thought that-”, Chanyeol then paused.

 

Chanyeol shifted his gaze from Kyungsoo sitting beside him to Takeda across the table from him. Takeda nodded and seemed to give Chanyeol what could be described as an approving expression.

Chanyeol continued, telling Kyungsoo, “-that if we’re going to sponsor someone from Korea to come to Japan, we might as well do that for one more person too.”

“Oh, you’re taking in two apprentices?” Kyungsoo joked, “Are you trying to start your own Go tag team like in an anime where your apprentices will beat the apprentices of your rivals?”

“We actually do have tag team matches at the association for fun. Major and serious tournaments are still one vs one though,” Takeda interjected.

“Interesting,” Kyungsoo nodded yet again.

“That’s not the point though,” Chanyeol corrected, sliding the brown envelope from his side over to Kyungsoo, “We’re talking about sponsoring you coming to Japan.”

 

Kyungsoo went quiet for a second as his brain was trying to properly process the words that Chanyeol had just told him, over the sound of the chatter and the typical coffee shop music in the surroundings.

Kyungsoo’s mouth hung slightly open as he was slightly crouched over the table. The first words that did come out of his mouth after that were, “Why does a Go association want to sponsor a doctor? I can’t play Go even though I tried.”

“The association is only backing me for your visa because a sponsor must be legally employed with a reputable employer. The rest is personally from me and out of my pocket,” Chanyeol informed, “Your 30th birthday is coming soon too, isn’t it? Consider this as a birthday gift from me.”

“-but…what…,” Kyungsoo stuttered, discovering for the first time how it felt to be excited but clueless and slightly panicking at the same time.

 

Chanyeol was almost expressionless with a tinge of hopefulness. Takeda was stiff as usual as he joined Chanyeol to look upon at Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to say now but I’m very grateful for this,” Kyungsoo’s hand flew up to his chest as if to clutch his heart.

“It’s okay, take your time to sort everything out. I’ll lay the path out for you. The rest is up to you,” Chanyeol smiled, tight-lipped and exposing his dimples that Kyungsoo almost forgot he had.

 

 

As enticing as that may have sounded at first; the thought of uprooting his entire life that he had built for almost thirty years to move to a foreign country where he barely spoke the language, all for the sake of being with a lover did sound like something Kyungsoo would never do or even think of in his entire life.

In fact, the Kyungsoo of a few years ago would think that the idea was very far-fetched and bound to end in failure, misery, and regret.

But surely, Kyungsoo didn’t see himself falling in love with his best friend either.

 

There was the feeling of anxiety as much as there was the excitement of a new opportunity that could open up new doors in Kyungsoo’s life. Especially when Kyungsoo started to feel like that the life he had painstakingly tried to build all these years was the one he only thought he wanted, but truly didn’t want now.  

Chanyeol was right about the rest being ultimately on Kyungsoo. From here on, it was Kyungsoo’s choice alone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan the next chapter to be the last one. Almost there~


	18. Commitment

 

Time was either a blessing or a curse to mankind, depending on how an individual made the best or worst of whatever time they had. One could gain as much as they could lose because of time itself, even if all one did was just stand and watch their life pass them by.

Kyungsoo always had a linear path he had planned to be the best for himself in life. It was surviving and living merely by flowing on the course of time while maintaining ideals such as working hard, persevering and being diligent throughout.

Kyungsoo preferred the passive way of living and letting things be as he made the supposedly appropriate decisions whenever a fork in life came along. There was nothing extraordinary and wonderful about his life and Kyungsoo didn’t mind it the least bit, or at least he used to feel that way.

 

 

Kyungsoo likened his life as walking along the shore of a beach, that was beside a wavy and rippling sea that was stormier and turbulent further out there. It was safe and calm on the sandy shore but there was nothing remarkable about it.

But beyond what he could see from the horizon at the point where the blue sea and the blue sky met, were stories of a new land that was filled with joy, everything remarkable and truly amazing.

One by one, Kyungsoo would see the people he knew jump into that sea and brave the growingly treacherous waters in search of that promised new land to never return to the shore again.

Kyungsoo did wonder if the people never returned because life on that new land was as true as the tales, or because they had failed and perished along the way.

 

 

Chanyeol was one of those people who dived into the sea but Kyungsoo would still remain on those calm familiar shores, year after year and time after time.

Kyungsoo never thought that he’d be testing the waters, leaving his calm shore and considering of chasing that promised land too. Not until he was reunited with Chanyeol again.

But to say that it was all because of Chanyeol wouldn’t have been accurate either. Kyungsoo always had those thoughts; the curiosity, the “what-ifs” and the sudden thrill to chase something new that was merely only repressed until Chanyeol came along again.

 

 

As for Chanyeol, the journey he undertook was not an easy one, and he knew and was very well prepared to brave through it.

It hurt but no one said it was going to be easy, anyway.

There were the easy parts but there were also the hard parts. There were even times where he felt like he was drowning, sinking beneath the waters, feeling the immense pressure of water all around him and feeling like he would never rise to the surface ever again.

But Chanyeol kept swimming and kept trying. Maybe even at some point, Chanyeol felt like he had made the wrong choice and that the promised land was nothing but a tale.

There also came a time when Chanyeol felt too sore and too tired to carry on, feeling like he should just stop and let the sea take its toll on him. He couldn’t turn back either now. The journey to return to the shore he had come from, was even further than the supposed promised land.

When Chanyeol was on that verge of giving up, Chanyeol instead met Kyungsoo again on his own journey to the same path to that promised land.

 

While Chanyeol’s belief in the supposed promised land was slowly diminishing the further they got, he continued trying and going further with Kyungsoo. If not for himself, it was for Kyungsoo.

Because even if the promised land was never real, to begin with, Chanyeol enjoyed the journey despite how hard it was because Kyungsoo was alongside him now.

That itself would have made everything worthwhile.

 

 

 

 

Three years and six months had passed since the day that Kyungsoo made the decision that he would leave the calm shores and prepare to join Chanyeol on the journey to their promised land.

Forty-two months since the day Kyungsoo took an entire month to decide whether he should stay or leave to move to Japan.

From then on, it took almost a full year for Kyungsoo to arrange everything for his move. There were the countless trips, back and forth to meet immigration lawyers and agents to finally get his visa approved.

Kyungsoo had to pass strict background checks, tender his resignation, wait for his apartment lease to end, raise enough money for his own and sell everything he owned that he couldn’t bring along with him.

Then there was also the hard part, which was letting everyone he knew that he was permanently moving to Japan to be with an old friend whom he hadn’t met in over a decade until only recently.

 

 

It sounded crazy and something unlike of Kyungsoo to do so. After all, Kyungsoo was supposed to be the poster child of routine and normality to everyone that knew him.

There were also subtle non-direct questions, nudges and hints pointed at him if he and Chanyeol were more than just friends. Kyungsoo continued assuring those who asked that they were just really good friends indeed.

While that itself wasn’t a lie, Kyungsoo was wise enough to know that their society wasn’t ready yet for the whole truth.

That day would come one day and Kyungsoo would deal with it accordingly when the time came.

 

 

Once the visa was approved and Kyungsoo took the one-way flight to Japan, leaving his old life behind, the journey didn’t stop there.

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were now both thirty-three years old. Chanyeol would be turning thirty-four in the fall and Kyungsoo would also be less than two months after that.

It was two-and-a-half years since the day he landed and stepped his foot at the Narita airport in Tokyo to start his new life. But things were merely beginning now.

 

 

 

It was six in the morning but it was also late July and that meant the sun had been up for over two hours now. Japan wasn’t called the Land of the Rising Sun for no reason, the sun really did rise earlier here if Kyungsoo were to compare it back home in South Korea.

Kyungsoo quickly turned off the phone alarm he used to wake up with almost every morning. The phone itself was barely over a year old and not the same one he had brought along with him when he first moved to Japan.

As time passed, Kyungsoo was not only further leaving his old life but also slowly shedding away the mementos and relics from it. It was now that Kyungsoo slowly gained a perspective and view of what Chanyeol probably had to go through all those years they were separated.

It wasn’t easy and the sense of longing and fondness for the old life did emerge at times, but Kyungsoo kept reminding himself of the weight of the decision he chose to bear, and of the bigger picture.

But Kyungsoo could say he was comfortable and rather happy in this life now, since the day he decided to take the plunge into the raging sea in search of that promised land.

Except, he wasn’t alone and he had Chanyeol with him.  

 

 

Kyungsoo rolled off the firm bed in his room in Chanyeol’s house, that was now their house together. Kyungsoo planted his bare feet firmly on the carpeted floor in his room before quickly walking to the door and heading out his room, ready to start the day.

From the carpeted floor in the room to the bare wooden floorboards in the adjoining corridor, Kyungsoo hastily padded over the surfaces to come up to Chanyeol’s room and knock on the door to wake him up.

Chanyeol answered with a loud grunt of, “I’m awake,” that Kyungsoo could hear from behind his door.

 

 

Out of the seven days in a week, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo probably slept in the same room about three to four times a week. The rest of the days, they slept separately in their own rooms because of Kyungsoo’s insistence that Chanyeol needed to concentrate and practice Go, and that Kyungsoo himself needed to revise on his Japanese.

This week, though, they had slept in their own rooms because of the big Go title tournament coming up soon, and Kyungsoo’s exams which would mark the completion of his Japanese language studies once he passed it.

 

Satisfied with Chanyeol’s response, Kyungsoo continued walking down the corridor and then knocking on the door of the third room down.

This time there was no response from the inhabitant of the room. Kyungsoo continued knocking on the mahogany door, this time even harder and louder.

Finally, Kyungsoo heard the affirmative sound of a male teenager shouting back, “Fine, I’m getting up!”.

 

There were now a total of three people living in Chanyeol’s home. That was a three times increase when compared to how Chanyeol had lived in the big house alone for years since his former mentor, whom he inherited the house from had passed away.

Among the three residents of the large traditional-styled house with a large gated yard, there was Chanyeol, one of the world’s best Go player. Then there was Kyungsoo, a doctor who was still studying Japanese full-time in order to sit for his medical license examinations so he could finally practice medicine in Japan. And lastly, there was Jongin, a seventeen-year-old teenager who still went to high school and was expected to be promoted to a professional Go player in the following year.

 

 

It was a busy week for everyone in the house. Chanyeol was to begin playing in seeded preliminary matches of the national Go tournament, in order to make it to the finals in August and then meet up with his longtime rival, Maruyama.

Kyungsoo’s exams to complete his language studies were later that week too, and Jongin himself had a mid-semester examination in school before the long summer break.

 

 

After waking everyone up, Kyungsoo quickly rushed down to the kitchen and took out the rice pot from the rice cooker that had kept it warm all night. Then, Kyungsoo filled the electric kettle with water before plugging it into the wall socket to boil.

Kyungsoo took out whatever eggs, vegetables and sliced chicken meat that he could find in the fridge to stir-fry in the wok with the rice to make breakfast.

 

Chanyeol came down to the kitchen shortly later, while Kyungsoo was still busy frying away. Chanyeol was standing a few feet behind Kyungsoo still in his sleeping attire, which was an old t-shirt he got for free at some Go event and overused shorts while sporting a bedhead.

“Isn’t Jongin awake yet?” Kyungsoo almost yelled over the loud clanking sounds of the spatula against the wok.

“I haven’t seen him left his room yet. It’s okay, it’s still early. We can wake him up later. He needs the rest.” Chanyeol answered, a bit too low to hear over the sounds, as he scratched the nape of his head.

 

But still, somehow, Kyungsoo managed to catch what Chanyeol was trying to say over the sounds of the spatula hitting on the work, over the sounds of the food sizzling in the wok, over the sounds of the kettle boiling and wheezing.

Chanyeol always spoke lowly and softly but Kyungsoo’s ears had been trained to pick up his voice even in a sea of noise and loudness. Because this was the voice that helped lead Kyungsoo to the home he had now.

Kyungsoo paused and smiled a bit, muttering, “Yeah, you’re right. Can you go and make the tea?”

Kyungsoo promptly returned to his cooking, as Chanyeol did as he was told and switched off the kettle before adding several spoons of grounded tea leaves into it.

 

 

It was actually uncommon for all three of them to be sitting down at the table in the morning and have breakfast together on a weekday. Everyone was often busy with their own thing, but it was expected to be a bit slower and more relaxed once the summer holidays started soon in August.

“You don’t have to send and pick me up from school today. I’ll take the bus. I promised to meet up with my friends at the bus station today too,” Jongin told at the dining table, dressed in his school summer uniform that consisted of just a white dress shirt and black slacks.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo affirmed, looking up from his plate, “Will you get there on time though? Your school is not near.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jongin assured, “It’s not like I’m going to be expelled if I’m late anyway.”

“It’s still important to be punctual and follow school rules. It’s the trait of a good student,” Kyungsoo preached, relating to his own time as a school student.

“He’ll be fine,” Chanyeol softly muttered before feeding himself with a spoonful of fried rice. “If you worry about him being late to school, we’ll just send Jongin to driving school when he turns eighteen next winter so he can get his license.”

Jongin paused, pressing his spoon onto the plate as he pondered a thought before continuing, “-but when I’m old enough to get my license next January, I won’t have to go to school anymore. Only those sitting for their college entrance examinations go back to school after the winter break. I’m not going to college, remember?”

“Oh, right,” Kyungsoo deadpanned, “I keep forgetting that I live in a house with a professional Go player and a future professional.”

“Don’t worry about us, Kyungsoo, we’ll support you,” Jongin teased.

Chanyeol chuckled from his side of the table, and although Kyungsoo was still getting used to Jongin’s snark humor after living with the teenager for over two years now, he admitted that he found it funny at times.

 

 

The three of them left the house at the same time at around a quarter to eight in the morning. Chanyeol gave Jongin some pocket money before the tall teenager went off. They would still meet each other in the evening after school when Jongin would drop by at the association’s building for his daily practice.

As Jongin was not an adult yet and Chanyeol was recognized as his legal guardian while living in Japan, Chanyeol managed Jongin’s income that the latter earned from his own junior level tournaments and competitions.

Under the request of Jongin, Chanyeol with the help of Kyungsoo would send a part of the winning’s money to Jongin’s family back in Korea. Sometimes, Chanyeol would contribute his own money on top of Jongin’s but he would never tell the teenager about it.

 

Jongin’s father had passed away before he even started elementary school, and his mother had struggled to raise him and his two older sisters after that. Jongin played Go at his local society hall while his mother worked and his sisters were in school because there wasn’t anybody to take care of him.

Like Chanyeol, Jongin was shown to be exceptionally skilled and proven to be a prodigy at the game. Soon enough, Jongin was helping make ends meet in his household by winning Go tournaments even at a young age.

When Jongin was fourteen, Jongin’s local Go society contacted Chanyeol to see if he would take Jongin as an apprentice.

Chanyeol was on the fence about taking in an apprentice at that time but he saw a younger version himself in Jongin, and the arrangements were quickly made after that.

 

 

Since Kyungsoo didn’t need to drive Jongin to school that day, he and Chanyeol walked to their destinations since it was close to their home, unlike Jongin’s school.

While Kyungsoo could not practice his profession yet until he had gained fluency in his Japanese language, well enough to sit for a language proficiency exam; he worked part-time in a bookstore when he wasn’t attending his classes.

Due to the relaxed nature of the job, Kyungsoo could read the books to practice his Japanese when he had nothing to do while on duty.

The bookstore in question was on the ground floor of a shop lot, just a few buildings down the street from where the Go association’s headquarters were. In fact, the bookstore itself was owned by Mr. Fujiwara’s family, the Go association’s president.

Kyungsoo had landed the job thanks to Mr. Fujiwara, who had played a big role in helping Kyungsoo move and settle down in Japan. It was one of the few jobs which he could take until he was qualified to sit for his Japanese medical license, which first required him to be a certified proficient speaker of Japanese.

 

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol would take the path between the houses on their way in the morning. Fewer people took this path and it was very quiet in the mornings as most people had left to go to work or school. Although it meant being watchful of the fierce dog that now had a grown litter of equally fierce dogs in the yard, the pair had gotten used to avoiding them.

This path was a bit longer and had more turns to it but they enjoyed taking it nonetheless because of the reticence atmosphere that it provided them, compared to the bustling and louder atmosphere of the path taken by most to Chiyoda’s main business district.

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo would hold each other’s hand, tight and secure at their sides on the daily walk; Chanyeol to the Go association and Kyungsoo to the bookstore. Walking together under the cover of shady green trees that grew along the cemented path in front of rows of houses, that were increasingly growing smaller and closer to each other the closer they got to the business district from the residential district.

 

 

In late July, it was a bit warm and very sunny even early in the morning at this time of the day. It wouldn’t get hotter until next month but then it would also probably be raining very hard especially when typhoon season made its yearly round.

As a professional player who was to compete that day, Chanyeol always dressed formally but skipped his tie and coat for that day. Kyungsoo wore simple jeans and the uniform t-shirt of the bookstore where he was one of the only five staff that worked there.

“By the way, when is Sehun coming to visit again?” Chanyeol asked, bending his head down when they walked passed by one tree with rather low branches that weren’t tall enough to clear the top of Chanyeol’s head.

“He’s coming for a week and a half in late August. Three weeks from now after he gets discharged from military service,” Kyungsoo answered, remembering that Sehun was to visit them for a short holiday next month.

“-right. I haven’t seen him in two years since he enlisted. He’s going to join the summer Go camp this year as the association,” Chanyeol reminded himself, “I wanted to bring him sightseeing around but I’m a bit worried that there will be another typhoon then, and we’ll just be stuck around indoors.”

Kyungsoo chuckled, shaking his head side to side, “Worry about yourself first, Chanyeol. You have a major tournament coming soon. I don’t think Sehun will mind being stuck indoors playing Go all day. He’s a big fan of yours and he’ll be thrilled to spend some time with you especially after getting out of the army.”

Chanyeol smiled as warm as the temperature around them, slightly bending his head downwards to closer match the level that of Kyungsoo’s, “I’ll be fine, Kyungsoo. You too have a test this week.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo iterated before letting out an audible grunt as he continued walking with Chanyeol’s hand in his, “I can’t believe I’m finally finishing the two years language course. Once I pass this, I’ll apply for my license and I’ll be Dr. Do Kyungsoo again.”

Chanyeol continued smiling, looking on at Kyungsoo, feeling ever so proud of far his lover and best friend had come from since then.

 

 

When they arrived at the fork in the path to part with each other for the day, and when no one was watching, Chanyeol quickly planted a kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead- obscured by his bangs, before waving off and crossing the road to the Go association’s building, while Kyungsoo would walk a bit more down to the bookstore.

Once Chanyeol stepped through the automatic sliding glass doors into the air-conditioned lobby of the association’s headquarters, a rather jovial Mr. Fujiwara came skipping down the hallway, accompanied by the ever stiff Takeda.

“Chanyeol~”, Mr. Fujiwara sang, pronouncing Chanyeol’s given name in the Japanese transliteration of it.

Chanyeol bowed his head and Mr. Fujiwara tapped him on the shoulder.

“Don’t forget that some people from the magazine are coming to talk to you this afternoon. So, don’t run away so soon after your match ends, okay?” Mr. Fujiwara reminded Chanyeol before laughing away, obviously very happy about the magazine interview and article to feature their association.

Chanyeol nodded, showing his understanding.

“He knows,” Takeda firmly spoke up, rolling his eyes, “We also know you’re very happy about it but don’t you have to play in your own match today? Why are you prancing around instead of practicing?”

“Ease up,” Mr. Fujiwara cooed, massaging Takeda’s shoulder before being slapped away by the latter, “-so you should relax. We know you’re stressed because you are an 8-dan now and one step closer to the highest 9-dan.”

“That’s because 9-dan is where the toughest to beat players are!” Takeda stated.

“Well, Chanyeol and I are both 9-dan players too. You should hurry Takeda. You’re already over thirty years old now. At this rate, even Jongin might be faster than you,” Mr. Fujiwara continued joking, laughing around.

 

Chanyeol only looked on at their antics, smiling a bit to himself. They too were a part of his somewhat extended family now.

Chanyeol quietly and unnoticeably made his way out from the lobby, headed up to the second floor of the building to the room where the preliminary matches were to be held that day.

By the time Takeda and Mr. Fujiwara noticed it, Chanyeol was long gone from there. It would have been strange to not notice someone considerably taller than everyone else just disappear.

But it was no surprise because Chanyeol had always been quiet and had that reticent nature to him. Because that was perfectly okay and fine to be.

 

 

Due to the higher number of competitors that had yet to be eliminated in the early stages of the tournament, matches were held in large rooms with sometimes up to twenty sets of matches being played at the same time.

In the large air-conditioned room with over fifty other people including players and judges to observe each individual match, Chanyeol sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the raised Go table, facing his opponent on the opposite side with a judge sitting in the middle with them.

 

Chanyeol and his opponent, a lower ranked player, bowed to each other once the judge allowed them to begin their match. Some players had started their match and some had yet to start theirs.

As the higher ranked player, Chanyeol played with white pieces so his opponent could go first, as a slight handicap to himself.

Everyone in the room tried their best to be as quiet and respectful as possible to each other. But with such a number of people in the same room together, it was almost impossible for it to be entirely quiet, even if it was small ambient, passive and background noises.

 

There was the sounds of the loud air-conditioner that Mr. Fujiwara only allowed to be turned on in the summer, judges scribbling moves and notes down on their clipboards, sounds of players fanning themselves with their own paper fans because it wasn’t cool enough still, and the very distinctive sounds of Go pieces being moved and taken off the board.

It was easy to be overwhelmed, distracted and even stressed from all the small noises especially during a game.

Panicking in the middle of a match was a common occurrence especially for younger and newer players. In fact, it was so common that it was even considered as a rite of passage from an amateur to a seasoned Go player.

 

Chanyeol too had his time but things were different now. When it came to Go, nothing but the game was on his mind and then everything else didn’t matter until the judge called the match to be over.

For as long as the match lasted, Chanyeol’s entire world was just the Go board in front of him and the pieces that were in play. Not even an imposing opponent with the force of a gust in front of him would sway him the least bit.

The longer the match, the further and deeper Chanyeol would be immersed in this exclusive world that was nothing but Go. Thus, it was often for people to describe how Chanyeol looked “lost” after a tough match.

Like a jerking pull, Chanyeol would return to the world in front of him once he heard the words of concede from his opponent. And those words were what brought Chanyeol back that day.

 

Chanyeol bowed and thanked his opponent and then the judge officially tallied up the score, declaring Chanyeol the confirmed winner of the match.

His job was still far from finished. Chanyeol still had several more matches and still had to win his way through the stages before he could go to the finals in August, held in the city of Kanazawa this year.

The previous year, Chanyeol had won against Maruyama in the national tournament and the year before that, Chanyeol came second to Maruyama again. In the past four years, it was always Chanyeol and Maruyama who would be facing off each other in the finals.

While it seemed confident enough to say that they would reach the finals for sure, that wasn’t a sure guarantee. For every year that passed, it meant facing more players who qualified to enter the tournament and more players who had gained another year of experience than the last.

Each year, the bar was continuously being set higher and getting harder. Chanyeol knew that his time as a Go player too would end one day but as long as he could, he would still keep going higher and further every time.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo worked full days on the weekdays and half a day on Saturday at the bookstore. On Sundays, he was off.

Kyungsoo’s shift started at eight-thirty in the morning, and it would end at five-thirty in the evening on a weekday and at one in the afternoon on Saturdays. Another employee who started work in the afternoon would watch the store until closing time at ten at night.

The bookstore itself was small. It was also in a mostly large business and office district, and not in a bustling shopping district. It was therefore easy for just one or two people to manage at a time.

 

The pay wasn’t anything magnificent and much lesser than what Kyungsoo earned as a doctor. But it was enough to get by with since Kyungsoo didn’t need to pay rent and utilities as Chanyeol’s earnings were enough to cover everything.

Sure, Kyungsoo was a bit too qualified to work at a bookstore, but he wasn’t complaining either. The hours were more flexible and there wasn’t crazy long night shifts. It was quiet, tranquil and no one died if he made a mistake as a bookstore clerk.

When there wasn’t any bookkeeping to be done, stock taking, inventory checks or customers around to watch and serve; Kyungsoo would open his notebook and Japanese study book so he could study behind the counter.

To practice his reading skills, Kyungsoo would read the daily newspaper and the appropriate books in the store at no cost. To practice his talking skills, Kyungsoo would often converse and try to help the customers with whatever they had come there for.

To make sure Kyungsoo’s own skills weren’t rusty over the two years; he would read medical books, reports, and journals to keep himself updated with what’s new. Kyungsoo wanted to make sure that he wasn’t falling too far behind once he managed to return to the field of medicine.

 

 

Kyungsoo finished his shift on-time that day. After clocking out and handing everything over to his part-time co-worker, Kyungsoo packed all his books and belongings into his knapsack before leaving the bookstore.

When Kyungsoo closed the glass door with wooden frames behind him, the small bronze bell above the door tinkled and chimed with the movements of the door.

As Kyungsoo left the bookstore, the sun was already beginning to set. The sky above was a light pale blue with streaks of orange and purple from the setting sun. The streetlights were already on and lit by then.

There was also a large crowd of people in business attire walking back from work, mostly headed to the train station to return after another workday. Kyungsoo was just one of the many now. And while he had felt rather alien and foreign with it at first, this was an integral part of his life now.

 

Even when alone, Kyungsoo would use the path between the houses instead of the main one that ran down the shopping district.

Every day, Jongin would go to the association’s headquarters to practice Go after school, where Chanyeol was still at. Chanyeol and Jongin wouldn’t be home until at least after seven in the evening. Kyungsoo only attended his language classes from Friday to Sunday.

So, Kyungsoo often ended his day earlier and he would go on and head home first, usually taking the extra time to clean up the house and make dinner. If they were running a bit late, Kyungsoo would take the opportunity to study. Kyungsoo always had been a hard studier.

 

 

As Kyungsoo passed by the houses on his daily commute back home under the growingly darker sky and the illumination of the streetlights, Kyungsoo heard his phone ring in his jeans pocket.

Kyungsoo stopped in his tracks on the sidewalks in front of one house to check his phone and saw that it was his father who had called him.                                                                               

Kyungsoo quickly answered the call and went off, “Dad! Didn’t I teach you to call me on Wi-Fi using the app I told you about? If you call me on your regular plan, it’s going to cost you a lot because it’s an international call.”

Kyungsoo’s father on the end of the line only laughed, “If it’s a high bill to call my son, then I don’t mind.”

“-but still! Why spend more when you can save?” Kyungsoo tried to reason, probably looking a bit too enthusiastic about phone bills cost, as he stood under the streetlight on the sidewalk with several moths flying overheard.

“Whatever, Kyungsoo,” his father brushed off, “-I just needed to know your confirmation on attending your brother’s wedding so your mom and I can make the table arrangements.”

Kyungsoo huffed, “Dad! Of course, I am coming to the wedding. It’s not even a question. I’d come even if I was in Antartica right now. Besides that, his wedding is over a year away! Why are we discussing this so early?”

“-right right,” Kyungsoo’s father resumed, “-so are Chanyeol and Jongin coming to the wedding too?”

“I don’t know about them. I’ll have to consult you with that later on. I’m not sure about their next year schedules since they have lots of matches to play. I can’t guarantee you that they can fly to Korea for the wedding unlike me.” Kyungsoo informed.

 

What could have been a short few minutes call turned into one that lasted almost half an hour, especially when Kyungsoo’s mother came into the room and decided that she too wanted to talk to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo didn’t budge from that one spot for the entirety of the phone call. Kyungsoo leaned against the streetlight, shifted his weight from feet to feet and even squatted on the path while on the call.

Kyungsoo had talked to his parents on the phone less than a week ago but it never hurt to spend a bit more time to talk to them, now that they lived further from each other.

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but remember that he and Chanyeol were a bit like this too, some time ago. The fond memory brought a smile to his face and Kyungsoo couldn’t care less when a passerby looked at him weirdly, because Kyungsoo was squatting on the ground with a knapsack on his back as he was talking on the phone with a wide smile.

Kyungsoo just had to remind himself that he’d probably have to help pay his parent’s phone bill that month.

 

 

 

Later that week, Kyungsoo attended his final language class before sitting for the final stage of his language proficiency examinations. Then, Kyungsoo had to wait two more months until the results were announced in September.

If Kyungsoo passed,  he would be certified as a proficient Japanese speaker, and that would qualify for him to apply for his medical practitioner license.

Kyungsoo did not resign from the bookstore yet, not until the results were announced, in case he failed and would have to resit the next examination in December.

 

 

In the summer in August before Sehun would come over to visit, Kyungsoo did take an entire week off from work, that would span from before and a bit after the four days long finals of the yearly national Go tournament.

Chanyeol and Maruyama made it to the finals again this time, where they would face off each other in the city of Kanazawa, where that year’s event would be hosted at.

Jongin was on his summer holiday and was reluctant to go to Kanazawa with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Jongin did end up tagging along anyway because Chanyeol insisted that it was important for Jongin to attend the tournament even if he would not be competing.

 

 

This time, they arrived at the host city a few days earlier before the match, instead of the day before like they usually did in the previous years.

The day before the match would usually be filled with the opening event, dinners, formalities and such. Although Chanyeol tended to avoid those as much as he could, there would be barely enough time for him to do anything else especially when he had to practice Go.

 

Chanyeol was supposed to arrive in Kanazawa on Thursday, but he was already in the city with Jongin and Kyungsoo in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, having taken several evening trains from different stops to reach the city.

Chanyeol had his own reasons and Kyungsoo knew exactly why. Jongin had a slight idea but he was polite enough to not ask unnecessary questions that would be quite difficult to answer.

 

 

After checking into their hotel where they had their own individual rooms as provided for them by the association, Kyungsoo let Jongin stay behind to sleep.

Kyungsoo did not go back to sleep despite not getting much either, due to how many stops and switching of trains they had to take all the way to Kanazawa.

Chanyeol wouldn’t be sleeping just yet.

 

Once Jongin went off to sleep, Kyungsoo accompanied Chanyeol to somewhere else. Then, they hailed a taxi outside the hotel to bring them to the nearest beach from the city.

By now, Kyungsoo was fluent enough in Japanese to do all the talking and tell the taxi driver where they wished to go.

It took less than half an hour and it was just before six in the morning when they arrived at the Chirihama beach driveway; a long eight kilometer stretch of beach that was unique, whereby it allowed people to drive in two traffic directions for free along the shores.

Chanyeol paid the taxi driver to wait for them as he and Kyungsoo stepped out and walked onto the deserted beach.

 

 

It was the peak of summer holidays but because of how early they were there, there was hardly anyone seen in sight minus the few couples or so enjoying an early morning stroll.

The sun was up by then but it was obscured by the scattered clouds in the sky above. It was also early enough in the morning for the temperature to still be rather cool, especially when close to the sea.

Chanyeol rolled up the sleeve of his dress shirt up to below his elbows and helped Kyungsoo walk down the sand dunes to the flatter surface of the beach which was closer to the sea.

The pair continued walking further down the beach, stopping just in front of where the furthest ripple of small waves would reach on the sandy beach, where the water line would leave the wet sand with a darker color than the rest.

 

 

The day they arrived in Kanazawa was also the 9th anniversary of the deaths of Chanyeol’s mother and sister.

Although Chanyeol had since yet to return to the place they died, Chanyeol would visit the nearest beach on their death anniversary as it was in the sea where half their ashes were scattered at.

 

 

 

Chanyeol stood tall and straight with his hands in the pockets of his brown trousers; facing the white and blue of the foamy sea in front of him, facing in the direction of the breeze that blew from the sea and towards land and standing beside Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol closed his eyes and concentrated only on two things; the salty breeze on his face and the sounds of it roaring along with the sea in his ear. This was his life now and they were gone, Chanyeol had to innately remind himself.

Kyungsoo kept his silence, standing beside Chanyeol, not as tall or straight but loyally and faithfully.

 

“I don’t know how long I’ll remember it this time,” Chanyeol pondered, relaying his thoughts verbally over to Kyungsoo.

“That’s alright,” Kyungsoo too looked out at the sea as he continued to assure Chanyeol, just like he always had and would always continue to do over the years.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol smiled, not out of joy or happiness but because of relief and security.

It was never easy and Chanyeol couldn’t say for sure how he’d be when the realization would come and go to him. But Chanyeol could say for sure that Kyungsoo would be by his side, regardless.

 

Chanyeol stood there for a few minutes by the shoreline on the beach until he heard the text notification buzzing on his phone in the pocket of his trousers.

Kyungsoo heard it too and looked to the source of the sound, where Chanyeol’s pockets were below his waist on his trousers.

 

Chanyeol promptly pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked to see what the text message would be about, while Kyungsoo looked on. Not many people knew Chanyeol’s phone number and he wasn’t the type to call or text other people either.

Because of the tournament about to start tomorrow, Chanyeol guessed that it was probably someone from the association who had texted him, probably regarding tomorrow’s arrangement of events.

Chanyeol smiled, solemnly and tight-lipped, as he looked upon the screen of his cell phone at the text message he had received.

“What is it?” Kyungsoo questioned, “We’re not expected until tomorrow though. Did Takeda think you ran away from competing in the tournament or something?”

“It’s nothing,” Chanyeol brushed off before ushering Kyungsoo back to the taxi waiting for them, “I think we should head back now.”

Kyungsoo walked ahead of Chanyeol on the beach, as they were headed back to the taxi on the main road.

Chanyeol was just a few steps lagging behind Kyungsoo as he looked one last time at the picture sent by text message to him.

It was a picture sent by his brother-in-law Junmyeon, showing that Junmyeon and Chanyeol’s father had visited the graves of mother and sister that same morning for their 9th death anniversary.

It felt like so, but Chanyeol realized now that he was never alone with this grief and loss of his.  

 

 

That Sunday, Chanyeol won that year’s national Go tournament against Maruyama after winning two non-consecutive matches out of three in a best of three.

As per usual, Chanyeol never stayed behind for the closing ceremony of the tournament, letting Mr. Fujiwara take the trophy and even giving out the winning speech on behalf of him. Because Chanyeol was never around, the press and reporters had to instead focus their attention on Maruyama, the runner-up.

Maruyama was pleased with all the attention he was getting despite losing the match, and Chanyeol was more than happier to let him have it because Chanyeol had somewhere else he wished to be.

 

 

The same evening after Chanyeol won the tournament, the local Buddhist temple in Kanazawa was holding its annual summer festival. Although Chanyeol wasn’t a fan of crowds, he wanted to treat Kyungsoo and Jongin while they were there at least.

Except, Jongin had gotten a bit too excited and ended up eating too much stall vendor food that was on sale at the festival.

Jongin was now somewhere in a public toilet across the road and outside the temple grounds, throwing up in a sink.

 

Meanwhile, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were waiting for Jongin beside the tutelary shrine, a smaller building within the temple grounds which was close to the main arched gate.

There were fewer people here compared to further inside the temple grounds where the festival was taking place. It was mostly a person or two standing around waiting for friends they were going to meet up with or the occasional people coming out and into the temple grounds.

The streetlamps from the street outside and the lanterns within the temple’s ground kept the place adequately lit with its light.

 

“You gave him too much money, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo complained, “You know he won’t stop eating and now he’s sick. We’re supposed to be taking care of him in the stead of his mother, not make him sicker.”

Chanyeol snickered, with his arms folded over his chest, “He’s still growing, Kyungsoo. Let him eat. You were quite plump when we were in high school too.”

“-but I’m healthy now, especially after the two years I spent serving in the army. I can’t be a doctor who treats people and is voluntarily unhealthy. That’s not right by me,” Kyungsoo reasoned.

“He’ll be alright, Jongin is a smart lad,” Chanyeol assured, reflecting on Kyungsoo’s concern.

“Oh!” Kyungsoo shot up while standing, looking twice as alert than earlier on and then snapping his fingers together, “Before I forget, how does the schedule look like for you and Jongin next year in November?”

“November?” Chanyeol repeated.

“Yeah, late November like around your birthday,” Kyungsoo clarified, “My brother decided on a wedding date and it’s around that time next year. They want you and Jongin to come to the wedding too.”

“That’s so far away and they are already making the attendance arrangements now?” Chanyeol inquired, slightly amused.

“My parents are really excited about it,” Kyungsoo shrugged.

“I’m usually free in November. There aren’t many major tournaments then and class promotions don’t start until December.” Chanyeol recalled, thinking, “If Jongin makes it to professional this winter, it’ll be about the same for him too. I think we might be able to go to your brother’s wedding.”

“Sounds good,” Kyungsoo jovially nodded, “I’ll let my parents know but I won’t book the flight tickets yet until a few months before then to make sure.”

 

Kyungsoo went silent for a little while as he was already making plans and thinking up of an itinerary for the trip, even if it was a long way from then.

Chanyeol then interjected, “I guess it’s in our culture to let the older sibling get married first even if the younger sibling is more ready for marriage, isn’t it?”

“Well, it’s been like that for many years,” Kyungsoo added, shrugging again.

“So, does that mean we can start discussing our marriage after November next year?” Chanyeol grinned.

Kyungsoo sighed, speaking in a lower and quieter voice, “You know that’s not legal yet here and we haven’t exactly come out as a couple to people yet.”

“Who cares? It’s just a piece of legal-binding paper. There’s a temple that marries same-sex couples like us if you want some sort of formality. I’m sure Jongin knows but he just hasn’t said anything to be polite, and everyone else already suspects it but they don’t want to be rude and openly ask about it.” Chanyeol proudly stated.

“I’ll let you know after November next year then,” Kyungsoo flushed, unable to stop himself from smiling hard, looking at the ground instead of at Chanyeol because he was slightly embarrassed.

“I’ll be waiting for your answer then,” Chanyeol too smiled, swiftly planting a kiss on Kyungsoo’s temple and pulling away as fast as it happened.

Seeing Jongin coming out of the public toilets across the street, Chanyeol waved to Jongin to come over back to the temple grounds. Kyungsoo too waved over for Jongin to come to them so they could return to the festival going on inside.

 

This was the promised land from the tales, the one which they had painfully tried so hard to get to. This was their abode now and they found their home with each other.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're done now~  
> I would like to thank everyone for reading this, thank you for coming this far with me. I really appreciate it and if it weren't for you, readers, I would never have the drive nor the motivation to write this. Your support is my fuel and thank you very much for it <3
> 
> Truth is, I never planned Reticence to be this long (90k> words) xD I was aiming for a 40k-50k words fic lol. But then, I realized that there is no way this fic can be finished within those amount of words. So yeah, you have what it is now. 
> 
> Initially when this fic was still in the planning stages, I wanted Kyungsoo to also be a Go player like Chanyeol. They would be old friends like in this fic but grew up to become rivaling players, who eventually realized their feelings for each other.  
> In fact, I don't even remember now why I made Kyungsoo a doctor who can't play Go if his life depended on it lol. I'm still enticed by the rival players' idea and I might write an alternative version of this fic where that takes place. Until then, we'll see~
> 
> <3
> 
> \--
> 
> Got any questions or just need to contact me? : curiouscat.me/hajinnie  
> Also on Twitter @hajinnie


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